+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ ! ! ! How to Bother, Disturb, Kill, Perturb, and Upset your local Mormons. ! ! ! ! By: The Prophet ! ! ! ! Along with some cool ideas from: The Metallian ! +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Call these genocidal systems: /\/\etalland 1 10megs/AE/BBS/CF ......(503)538-0761 The Metal AE/PW:KILL..................(201)879-6668 The Reality AE.PW:HARRIS..............(818)706-2054 The Mordor AE/AE1200/10megs PW:ZANDAR (201)528-6467 Presented By: Metal Comunications Inc. & The Neon Knights ------------------------------------ Note: If you are a Mormon, we sincerely hope you are offended by this material !!!!!!!! +------------------------------------+ ____________________________________ FOR MORMON HATERS ONLY ____________________________________ First off, I really hope that the ideas brought up here will be very helpful and useful to you. If you are a Mormon hater (which for your own sake I hope you are), you will undoubtedly want to try some of them. In this there will be quite a wide range of ideas, from something as simple and harmless as stacking a locker to arson. When you're done reading this and you want to go and try some of the neat things you learned, remember that you are fully responsible. We take no responsibility for three-alarm fires or mass-murders because this is, more or less, a joke (at least, it's supposed to look like it). Okay, here is how to bother, disturb, kill, perturb, and upset your local Mormons. ____________________________________ ____________________________________ 1) BOTHERING THEM ____________________________________ If you are going to do anything, you must start by bothering them. That way you can start nice and simple and then build up to a climax. When you bother a Mormon, you must realize that these dicks are supposed to be nice little boys and girls, so you want to push their tempers as far as you possibly can. If they act like they are supposed to, it will take a lot to reach the end of their fuse. Ocasionally there will be a bad Mormon who will fight back. This doesn't happen too often, but when it does, be careful. In any case, a good rule to follow is just push them as far as you possibly can. A good, simple way to start is just by stacking their locker. You just add one thing to how you would normally do it. You want to make sure that their books are stacked very steep, and then on top of them you put a bowl of hot soup or else something very hard to clean like grease. If they don't move back too soon, which they probably won't, they will get nailed by the books and the hot soup and/or grease. The next step comes during lunch, or whenever you are around a Mormon eating food. There are three possibilities to choose from, whichever seems to be the most convenient at the time: 1) Food/drink in hair 2) Food/drink down shirt/inside bra 3) Food/drink down pants Obviously self-explanatory. Grab food, smear in hair, shove down shirt, or put in pants. For the hair food is best, preferrably something like maccaroni & cheese, and for the shirt/bra and pants some sort of liquid is definitely best. Anyway, after you do this, it would be a very good idea to get out of there fast. The last step of the "bothering" phase is slashing the tires on their car. I certainly hope that you don't need any instructions on how to do that. And if they don't have a car, take the next step down and slash the tires on their bike. Most likely they will have a bike, and they definitely will if they are one of those neat Mormon missionaries that ride all over town in their nice suits and ties on their massively cool 3-speeds. And in the rare event that they don't even have a bike, use your imagination to come up with something. One suggestion is egging their house, but you will most likely want something more original than that. ____________________________________ ____________________________________ 2) DISTURBING, UPSETTING, AND PERTURBING THEM ____________________________________ Now your Mormon victim should be quite bothered and flustered, and now comes the phase where they really piss their pants. If these things are done correctly, you are pretty much guaranteed a very disturbed, upset, perturbed Mormon. A very good way to upset a Mormon (or anybody, for that matter) is to threaten them and/or their family. A good time to threaten them might be over the phone during their "Family Home Evening". Something like, "There's a bomb in your basement that's going to explode in 23 seconds", or something direct and straight to the point like, "Hi! I'm going to kill your family tonight!" should successfully ruin their family gathering. Or another good time to threaten them might be on Sunday when they're all home and the kids have to sit around all day and read. Use one of the above threats or you might want to try one like threatening to kidnap someone in their family. Or, of course, you can use your imagination and be creative. But what- ever you do, when you are threatening them make sure that it is totally anonymous because they might take you seriously. (And, of course, maybe you will be serious.) Another thing that would disturb the Mormons would be to go to one of their neat services, and in the middle of it when the Bishop dude is talking, stand up and start yelling at the top of your lungs, "How could any sane person believe this stuff?! I've had enough of this crap!" and walk out. A last suggestion for disturbing, upsetting, and perturbing the Mormons is to once again go to another cool service, if you can handle that much crap in a lifetime. You take your ghetto blaster in with you and in the middle of the service put in the group Satan's tape that has the song "Death to the Mormons" on it and crank it up. Let it play at least until the chorus when they say, "Death to the Mormons" and call them inspeakable words, and then walk out. ____________________________________ ____________________________________ 3) KILLING THEM ____________________________________ And now the part you've all been waiting for: killing them. Mostly you can just use your imagination on this area, but we'll give you a few ideas. If you are looking at just killing one individual, the safest, most obscure method is abduction. Either take them by force, or pretend to offer them a ride somewhere. You know what comes next; you take them up in the hills to some uninhabited forest and just simply kill them somehow. Use a gun if you want it to be fairly fast but painful, or stab them a couple times if you want it to be slow and painful. And, if you are looking at mass-murder, use either a bomb (you have lower chances of getting caught if you have a pre-planted time bomb) or walk in with an M-16 and start blowing people away. You use this method if you don't mind getting the death penalty. And one more possibility would be to set their church on fire during their service. Of course, most all of them would get out, but who knows? You might get lucky and knock down a few. In conlusion, I just want to say if you want to kill a Mormon, please give it very serious consideration before you do it, and just go as easy on them as you can, because, after all, they have almost as much right to live as we do! Later, The Prophet Metal Communications Inc. +--------------------------------------+ (C)opyright 1985 M.C.I. +--------------------------------------+ ============================================================================== ___ ___ (___><___) .....And if you enjoyed this TextFile, call The Works, 914's \ _[]_ TextFile BBS: \______/ \_____ The Works _\ ========= _______________ \>\ (914)-238-8195 24 Hrs. 900+ Textfiles Online / \ \ 300/1200 Baud, N,8,1 Home of Terror Ferret / \___> 10 Megabytes of Storage ANSI Graphics Optional ==============================================================================