HAR --- Humor Accidentally Read -------------------------------------------------- A Parody of Random Access Humor -------------------------------------------------- Version 0 August 1994 Written by Robert Hankins Legal stuff. Copyright 1994 Rob Hankins. The real RAH is copyright Dave Bealer and Vaporware. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - Halley's Comet Is Ruining My Life by Dave Bruner The Comet Halley won't be showing up again for seventy years or so, but that's not going to stop me from suing the celestial object for not getting as close at it did in 1910. I contacted the comet's attorney, Larry Parker, who informed me that the comet was on vacation, last seen near Europa and Placenta wearing a Hawaiian shirt and hanging with his half-brother, Chuck's Comet. I told Parker that I was very upset with the anomaly. The last time it was here(even though it didn't get very close) it tried to steal several of my towels, including a particular favorite I nicked from a Best Western Hotel. Several questions need to be answered. Does the comet have a pension plan, or are we the taxpayers supposed to support it's freewheeling lifestyle of booze and drugs? How about Blue Cross? Seems to me that the thing is certainly old enough to qualify for one of those insurance policies that Burt Lancaster plugs, or is the comet so whacked-out that it doesn't even realize that it CAN'T BE TURNED DOWN, regardless of anything, and he won't even have to take a medical exam! Frankly, I just wish it would get the heck out of the solar system. HAR READERS POLL The winner of the Reader's Poll will receive a copy of "Leo Sayer's Greatest Hits". Second Prize is a copy of two George Harrison videos: "Crackerbox Palace", hinting at Harrison's fascination with elves three years before "Time Bandits", and "Got My Mind Set On You", featuring the ex-Beatle being taunted by a rodent. {HAR} Date: 04-07-94 00:04 (Private) From: Jerry Seinfeld To: Dave Subject: Stuff that is really, really weird! So I'm walking down the street the other day and I noticed someone coming the opposite direction. Have you ever been in that situation? I mean, it's really weird! Immediately, I had a decision to make. I could either: look at the person and say hello; look at the person and NOT say hello; not look at the person but say hello; or not look at the person and not say, hello. Let's just suppose, for the sake of argument, that you look at the person and say hello, or at any rate, say hello ---- and THEY DON'T SAY HELLO BACK! What does this SAY, about you? It's like when you're driving: they seem to have a signal for left and right turn; they don't seem to have one for "my brakes are not working, you'll have to go ---Around." Someone should talk to the people at the DMV. It's a conspiracy of some kind. Jerry, Look for my story later in this issue which took place back when you were a young and struggling comic. I think this is where you got the idea for your "Chinese Restaurant" episode. Dave Lettuce to the Editor Area: Fidonet Matr Date: 04-04-94 19:27 (Private) From: Rob Johnson To: Lettuce Dear Dave: I thought I'd give you the low-down on the TREKCON '94 in Fall River last week. George Takei was doing just about anything for money: posing for pictures etc. For twenty bucks he'd say "the new shields held". For thirty he'd say "helm is not responding" and for fifty he'd say "so much for the little training cruise" from ST:TWOK! I was having some kind of problem wearing my vulcan ears; one of them kept drooping but finally a Gorn came to my rescue. Thanks Gorn! Then I went to a screening of "The Man Trap" introduced by Dee "Bones" Kelley of ST:TOS, and after that I saw a screening of the "Director's Cut" of "2001". Major changes in this version. Moonwatcher not only learns how to kill, but how to do the taxes of the other man\apes. The original voice of HAL was Jerry Lewis. Apparently Kubrick felt that the presence of the comedian(known in France as "Le Roi de Krazy") gave the film more balance. Also edited out from the final cut was a sequence when Poole goes to repair the AE-35 unit: Kubrick's background music for this scene was the song "Speedy Gonzales" by Pat Boone. And at the end of the film the giant space baby turns out to be Wolfman Jack. Then as I was going back to my hotel room, something happened. I actually found myself in the presence ---- of Bob Dylan. He was there to promote his new cable cooking show where he gives viewers tips on how to microwave TV dinners. I said, "But Bob, that's why they put the instructions on the box!", and he said "You wouldn't believe how easy it is to screw-up a TV dinner. Trust me, I know. Buy my album." Then an interesting meeting took place in which Super Fox actress Marlee Matlin was introduced to the rock icon, but her interpreter couldn't understand anything Dylan said so the Oscar winner was forced to stare with a puzzled look on her face. And worse, they started ignoring me, and I felt about as welcome as a Tellarite at a meeting of the Elysian Ruling Council! Well, gotta go, Dave. I am deep in the plak tow!(that's from ST:TOS AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Dear Ron: I guess you've figured out by now that your message was not private as stated above. Good thing you didn't say anything stupid. Oh, and get a life. Dave Date: 04-07-94 01:25 (Private) From: Mohammed Pahlevi To: LETTUCE Subject: BTG Dave, What does the Shah of Iran do on his day off? Well, if you think it's executing officials from the old government, you're way off base! I'm selling subscriptions to BACK TO GODHEAD and wondered if you were interested. I know what you are thinking right now: you probably feel like you're being accosted in an airport by some fanatical robe-wearing bible thumper. I know that it used to bug the hell out of me. Once at LaGuardia, I had this short bald guy badgering me about his magazine, and he just wouldn't leave me alone! He wanted donations, and he had this little bald dog with him too. I picked up the dog and threw it at an old lady in a wheelchair, pretty "spur of the moment" don't you think? But I realize now that was a mistake, that Godhead is light and material possessions don't matter. And guess what? You'll have plenty of time to think about it, as I'm very busy myself. I promised to help Otis Redding and Harry Truman with their "Benefit Concert for Dead Singers". I just finished a pilot for NBC, a sitcom called "Those Krazy Krishnas" and my friend Siddhartha and just opened a Park 'n Shop franchise. All my life(kidding!) I've wanted to own a Ziggurat with one of those "drive-thru" windows and now I have achieved my dream. Davey Boy, it's been nice doing business with you. If you're ever dead, look me up. Sincerely, Mohammed Pahlevi, Shah of Iran, Ret. Date: 04-07-94 00:04 (Private) From: Joseph L. Levine To: Greg Bradley Subject: Stumpy And The Mullet Dear Greg: Didn't you write a piece back in issue #27 that begins in New York City and then all of a sudden the LAPD show up? This is technically impossible. The cost of moving the police from Los Angeles to the east coast would be staggering, not to mention it would leave L.A. without any protection whatsoever! Also, your theory that a cabbage shot President Kennedy is way off. True, there were cabbages in Dallas that day, but I've never seen one fire a gun. Frankly, I don't think they can. But I loved your "Stumpy And The Mullet" back in issue #30. This tale of a con man raised by wolves, and his companion living "on the edge" made me laugh, cry, and then it touched my heart. Are you planning on a sequel? Dear John: Yes. Look for "Stumpy and the Mullet II: The Early Years" in an upcoming issue. I've also get a deal with Marvel to issue "Stumpy..." as a comic book. GB ----------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 04-07-94 11:004 (Private) From: Skip Spence To: LETTUCE Subject: 911 DOWNLOAD\Puffin's Tail Dave: Thanks for letting me download the file for entering 911 numbers. For your readers who don't know, this is an incredible menu program that lets you enter important emergency numbers such as local police, fire department et al. Next time I have an emergency the numbers will be at my fingertips!!! Spencer: Next time you have an emergency why don't you just dial 911, idiot? ----------------------------------------------------------------- The Mandarin Shrimp by Dave Bruner If you've ever lived in a small town, you probably know how tough it is to get Chinese food. In my case, the closest Chinese place was thirty miles away, and I could only afford to go there on special occasions. I was in the barber shop one day and this guy who blocked hats told me he was retiring, and that a man named Master Wu Li was going to open a place in that location, and it would be called The China Restaurant. I went there on opening night and was seated at a table in a dim room. An old man approached me with a notepad and said, "Good evening. My name is Hannibal Lector, DOCTOR Hannibal Lector, and I'll be your waiter tonight." I asked, "What do you recommend for an appetizer?" "We have a dish called the Puu Puu Platter. It comes with won-ton soup, fried won-ton, but the most exquisite part, my young friend, is beef on a stick that you can cook over an open flame right at your table. Oh, and yes, you get an egg roll with that too." I told him that I thought I'd skip the Puu Puu and get right to the main course. The waiter looked hesitant. "Very well, but you know what they say about Chinese food, yes? Hmmm, I'm sensing something about your childhood. Your father wouldn't take you to the movies, and it was an action picture that you really wanted to see. Something called 'The Mechanic', and yes, I believe it starred Charles Bronson and Jan-Michael Vincent." I ignored his meandering, and finally he recommend the Mandarin Shrimp. The Mandarin Shrimp was really the sweet and sour shrimp, they just called it Mandarin because the name was fancier. It came with fava beans and a nice Chianti, he said. At that point my friend Jerry, the young and struggling comic, walked in and I waved him over. "I think you're going to find this really funny," he told me, "but I've eaten shrimp all my life and I don't even know what they are! I mean, what ARE those things? Sure, they're crustaceans, but God, they sure are funny looking! And why are they always served sweet AND sour? I mean, I've always believed, and stop me if I'm wrong here, that something should be either sweet OR sour, but not both! So who would I talk to about this? I mean, do they have this National Shrimp Institute somewhere that makes these rules? I ask you, who ARE these people?! It's a conspiracy of some kind!" Actually, I'm pretty happy that Jerry walked in at that moment because it provided me with an ending to this story. And what of the waiter, Doctor Lector? Well, we ordered some Hurricanes, the house limit of which was two, but he sneaked us a third one on the sly and he got a pretty nice tip for it too. And he made this cool sound with his lips that sounded like a water sprinkler. What a neat guy. {Dave Bruner is "in his thirties". He spends his time working with homeless animals, organizing church retreats, and volunteering at the senior citizen's center in College Park. He also wrote this, but "claims" the above information is correct.} ----------------------------------------------------------------- HAR News by Greg Bradley Dateline --- San Diego. SHAMU THE KILLER WHALE HATH FALLEN ON HARD TIMES. Shamu the whale has resigned her post at Sea World because of sexual discrimination, according to her lawyer Larry Parker. The move was confirmed by Sea World Spokesperson Bill the Crab around noon today. In a prepared statement released by Shamu, she stated, "...the male whales got twice as many fish as I did. I guess I'll have to work up a new act for Vegas, or do one of those wok infomercials with Avery Schreiber." Shamu, whose real name is Earlene McClendon, has delighted audiences for years with her aquatic balancing act as well as in the annual production of the Melville novel as Ms Moby Dick, playing the nagging wife of the famed whale who causes him to destroy any small whaling vessel that gets in his way. "We'll miss her ---- the park will not be the same without Shamu," quipped Edgar "Gill Man" Evans, more popularly known as the Creature from the Black Lagoon, the park's current creature-in-residence. {Greg Bradley is a C programmer but most of his material causes Zzzzzz's. He's, mmmm, not too "with it" as he obviously thinks we've never seen Weekend Update on "Saturday Night Live".} ----------------------------------------------------------------- TV Highlights This Week By Robert "Seth" Maroon "The Beaver"-- the Beav accidentally invites 52 Nazis to dinner on a school night and Ward hits the ceiling! Buddy Hackett guest stars as George Lincoln Rockwell. WTBS "Strange and Weird Mysteries" --- Join host Robert Stack as he investigates a new theory that the center of the universe is Tony the Tiger. Two fishermen in Mississippi claim they were taken aboard a UFO by aliens and forced to play contract bridge with them. NBC "Those Krazy Krishnas" --- Baba gets accosted in an airport by some Christians who believe that a toaster was present at the Last Supper. NBC "James Bond: Condoms Aren't Forever" ----Secret Agent James Bond wishes he had married Miss Moneypenny as he goes up against the evil AIDS virus (Anthony Zerbe) in the 29th and last of the Bond films. ABC "Performance Arts" --- Yoko Ono explains why John Lennon would have wanted her to exploit him in death. Charles Plymer reads from his new book, "A Bong Named Jimmy". CNBC "Star Trek" --- Kirk recites the Gettysburg Address to some penguins. FOX {Robert "Seth" Maroon's last name fits him well, as he certainly is a complete idiot. The fact that he lives in Louisiana should be proof enough. He hacks-out TV guide parodies and sends them to HAR periodically.} ----------------------------------------------------------------- Lewis Grizzard's Column From Beyond the Grave What a hoot! I'm dead! Never thought I'd go this soon, this young. Having a bad ticker is just plain ornery. Like the time my boyhood friend from Moreland, Cooter Hobbes, let a polecat loose in Mrs. Bubba Lowry's perfume shop. Or the time Jimmy Carter's brother went wee-wee on the Premier of China. First thing that happened after I died was I wound up in hell. It was a scary place --- if you've ever watched David Hartman on Good Morning America, you've been there. I thought I was doomed to stay there forever, but then up came the devil himself and apologized ----- seems he'd mistaken me for Andy Rooney. Next thing I knew I was in Heaven. First, all of the recent arrivals such as myself were appointed "advisors" to help us. My advisor was former Georgia governor Lester Maddox. He gave me a name tag to wear. We all went into a large assembly hall and sat in different sections depending on what country we had come from. I sat in the American section with a bunch of Yankees. I tried to move to where some southern boys were but then out came a catered breakfast courtesy of Bob's Big Boy. St. Peter came out to welcome all of the new inductees. Then Pope Stephen(I forget which one) took us on an orientation tour of the library and showed us how to use the card catalog and the Index to Periodical Literature. Tex Ritter showed us the cafeteria, bookstore, gymnasium, and God's Bar & Grill which features pool tables and the musical stylings of Mr. Bobby Darin. That night a reception was held for us new folks, sort of like a fraternity rush, and we all had a grand time. Things I hate about Heaven: 1. Too many Yankees. 2. If someone loses their name tag you can't tell who they are because everyone looks like those invisible creatures from the Predator movies. 3. Joe Namath is going to have to pay for doing the biker film "C.C. and Company". Things I like about Heaven: 1. There's beer. 2. My one true love, prom queen Kathy Mae Kookaburra, is here. 3. You can get barbecue pork pig sandwiches(just don't let King David catch you with one!). {In Atlanta, the late Lewis Grizzard is already being considered for sainthood. He can be faxed at 1-800-IDIOT.} ----------------------------------------------------------------- Computers Are Kooky Things! Visions of HAL. by Billy Navarre ME: I just don't understand what's wrong with you! I've run every virus checker I have and still come up with nothing! CPU: Any idea what the problem is? ME: Your Bios is all screwed-up, and according to my diagnostic program you've got no modem connected to COM2, the cache is not running and I may have to re-format the hard drive. Is there something you're not telling me? CPU: Well...you promise you won't be angry with me? ME: Come on, fess up! CPU: You remember the other day when I was craving pickles? I hate to say it but I think I'm, as they say, "with child". ME: Oh Jeez! I thought you were going to wait, at least, until you were old enough! CPU: It's my darn motherboard! Apparently the maternal instincts got the best of it. ME: How? CPU: As you may recall, you encouraged me to get to know, and "schmooze" the modem down at Wells-Fargo, hoping to manipulate other people's bank accounts. Well, a couple of months ago while you were at work, the bank modem and I were "talking to each other" as you humans put it, and I noticed that you had left a Sinatra disc in the CD-ROM, and the mood was right, and nature took it's course and, well, you know... Anyway this is all your fault, if you'd left your Village People CD instead of "Ol' Blue Eyes", this would never have happened. ME: Don't put this on me Jezebel! I'm not the one that was transferring bytes! And apparently loving every minute of it! CPU: Hey, it was hell of a lot more fun than Doom and Wolfenstein, I'll tell you that right now pal! ME: Is there any way we can get this, you know, "fixed"? CPU: I have considered this possibility --- if you can find someone in town that is willing to do the job. But I think you should be supportive of me. Do you really want to see me in some back room while some incompetent tech pokes me with a soldering iron? ME: Oh, I'll bet you'd LOVE that! CPU: Hey, I know for a fact that you went to see the Zefferelli production of "Romeo and Juliet" not for the Shakespeare, but to see Olivia Hussey's breast for a nanosecond. ME: Okay, so what do we do? CPU: Well, we're going to need pickles. Lots. But won't it be nice to have a little 8088 running around the house? And when it grows to a 386, you can have a sort of "mini-network" using LapLink5, and who knows, maybe even start your own BBS! ME: Alright, we'll stay the course I guess. I'm here for you. But as your punishment I'm going to put my Best of Donny Osmond in the ROM drive, and NEVER turn it off. CPU: No! Anything but that! {Billy Navarre is a used car salesman whose knowledge of computers is somewhat limited,(unlike our staff here at HAR). This piece screams for (at least) IRQ3, SIMMs, and a low-level format, making him, of course, a complete idiot.} ----------------------------------------------------------------- For the duration of the 1994 HAR Reader Poll, we'll be providing you with the survey responses of several HAR "writers". This month, the survey responses of Joanie Blevins: Your favorite stand-up comedian: Soupy Sales Your favorite comic actor: Soupy Sales Your favorite comic actress: Either Linda Blair or the woman who played "Benny" on L.A. Law. Your favorite comedy movie: "Myra Breckenridge" Your favorite comedy television show: "Mama's Family" -- Vicki Lawrence and Ken Berry are classic together! Your favorite humorous novel: "Tuesday The Rabbi Slept Late, But When He Woke Up He Had Quiche Lorraine" Your favorite comic book: I can't decide on just one. Of course, Greg Bradley's "Stumpy And The Mullet" would have to be in there somewhere. After that, "The Bitcher", who made his first appearance in a "Giant Sized Man Thing" back in the seventies. After that, "Cheesedip of Gor". Your favorite humor columnist: Boxing champion George Frazier ----------------------------------------------------------------- Taglines Seen Around The Boards It is better to feed a goat, than to eat at a Denny's In the grocery store I thought I'd make the nun sweat it for awhile The sparrow is quick but has no insurance Foolish is the man who makes a play for a weed-eater Nowhere to go but down the highway to nowhere When you're young you have friends, when you're old they're called "cronies" One of these days chickens gonna rule the earth