System Design 101 by Greg Borek If automobiles were manufactured the same way programs are... Team Leader (TL): OK, what have we got? Programmer (P): Well, we drove the new release out of the factory and it didn't catch fire, ...well, within the first 3 miles anyway. I think we may be onto a winner here. TL: Excellent! Does the car perform the way the customer wants? P: Sort of. The customer asked for a car that can cruise at highway speeds, and our new release can attain speeds of nearly 75 mph, ...um, under certain conditions. TL: What conditions do you mean, besides obvious ones like going down a steep hill? P: As long as there is not too much fuel in the tank and no one is actually in the car at the time, we can attain some really good speeds. Passengers particularly tend to degrade the performance. TL: Not allowing passengers in a car may inconvenience the user. How much is the performance degraded by a passenger? P: One passenger chopped the speed down to 8 mph. I'm sure the customer can adapt his highway driving to accommodate this slight restriction. I'm absolutely sure he won't mind when he gets a load of all of the fancy features included in this new release. TL: You did remember to adequately document these alleged features in the owner's manual, I hope? It was sort of embarrassing the number of support calls we got about people not knowing they had to start the car by putting the key in the trunk lock. Random Access Humor Page 5 August 1993 P: All of the features are very clearly and simply explained. That guy we hired that used to write tax booklets for the IRS can sure churn out manuals. Especially the twelve chapters devoted to the air conditioner. We felt that it was necessary to go into some detail about the air conditioner. TL: Why so many chapters about the air conditioner? P: The user wanted a really powerful air conditioner, and, well, the boys down in the design department got a little carried away. The car doesn't so much have an air conditioner as a refrigeration unit. TL: Doesn't that degrade the engine performance? P: We were worried about that too until one of the brainboxes came up with the idea of "overlaying" the engine. For the mere cost of half of the passenger compartment we swap the pieces of the engine between the engine and passenger compartments. Only the pieces of the engine that are currently in use are under the hood. We really feel this was the most clever way to provide all of the required features while reducing the overall size of the vehicle. TL: Even so the thing is a bit large. I seem to remember the target size of the vehicle being about that of a 2 seater, wasn't it? To the casual observer, our vehicle looks kind of like an Essex-class aircraft carrier. P: I know, and down in the design department we are kind of embarrassed. We really wanted to make sure we included all of the neat features we had been working on. TL: Did the user ask for all of these features? P: Well, not all of them, but they are all really neat... and he probably will once he sees what we've included. I mean, the rocket launchers alone may prove invaluable during his commute to work. TL: That's true, but what about the gas milage? P: We came close to what the user asked for, provided he's not too finicky and does not know basic math. If you look off the stern you can see the tractor semi-trailer tanker truck that must be connected to the car at all times. We are going to recommend prepositioning the tanker trucks at every exit on the interstate. TL: You know, all in all we made it a pretty lousy sports car. At least we can take solace in the fact we met the government standards for a sports car. Good job. {RAH} -------------- Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA. He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@f1129.n261.z1.fidonet.org