1993 RAH Online Industry Awards by Dave Bealer Since nobody sued us over last year's awards article, we'll report on the insanity of yet another year online. Literally minutes of intensive research have gone into making these the fairest, most objectionable (er, objective) awards available today. Tomorrow, who knows? >> Vaporware of the Year << Pretty Good Privacy Oh, you can find it, if you know whom to ask. The U.S. government would like everyone to pretend that it was never released. Especially to evil foreigners, whose mail will now be much more difficult to read. Of course, they're not *too* pleased about being unable to read the mail of their own citizens either, but they can't admit that. >> Worst Online Idea of the Year << Putting American Politicians Online Just when you thought is was safe to turn on your modem, the inane blatherings of your elected "representatives" are now being made available, at taxpayer expense, online. The scary part is that some of these people can't even navigate a car all the way across a bridge, much less use a computer. >> Best Shareware Software << PC-Right This modern shareware word processor has a built in sensitivity checker. It prevents the user from using words or phrases that could conceivably offend any of the world's reactionary special interest groups. Since what actually does offend these groups often changes from hour to hour, PC-Right incorporates revolu- tionary artificial intelligence precognition algorithms. Those who register get a special quick-index card to the 47 English words that they're still allowed to use. >> Highest Pressure Marketing Department << America Online Joining is like falling off a log; quitting is like falling out of a plane without a parachute into a mine field. >> Most PC-Owning Town << Marlow, New Hampshire, USA Virtually everyone in town owns a PC, and they all got them through the employee discount program of PC Connection, the hardware/software mail order vendor where they all work. This is a real modern day "company town." PC Connection is also the only racoon owned and operated business in New Hampshire. >> Ebenezer Scrooge Memorial Award << Prodigy In a never ending quest to separate people from more of their money, Prodigy switched from a fixed rate access charge structure to hourly charges. The next software upgrade should provide billing by the picosecond. >> Best Hardware Innovation << Ryxel-Leamington Portable Combo 28.8 Cellular/Satellite FAX/Modem - Electric Toothbrush The result of one of those cross-industry mergers, this little gem allows you to keep in touch with your favorite online system from literally anywhere Earth while keeping your teeth clean and bright. >> The Lowest Standard << RIPOFF Graphics The graphics standard which the online world has (for some inexplicable reason) welcomed with open arms. Using CGA emulation, this one is sure to be a favorite with optometrists around the world. >> Online System of the Year << UFO Reality This system runs on actual alien hardware taken from a flying saucer that crash-landed in the Mojave Desert in Southern California. It turns out that they crash there all the time, and that this explains the "earthquakes" that plague the area. If you want to try this system out, you'll need special front-end hardware and software capable of communicating directly through the atmosphere using the harmonic resonance of helium atoms. The hardware is readily avail- able through mail-order science supply houses. Vendors have promised front-end software for OS/2 and Windows NT for delivery next year. So far the software is only available for CP/M and OS9. {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net