Subject: The .plan file of life Date: 13 Feb 90 11:30:12 GMT This .plan file is my creation, and it actually resides on my account at ccmax@eel.cs.ucla.edu The account I'm using to send this mail to you cannot (in my opinion) contain this .plan file because I doubt that the School of Engineering here at UCLA will appreciate it. I am assuming the reader is familiar with the C language. You may decide whether it is a bit too sexist and ROT13 it. So anyways, here's the file ... PREFACE: I am trying to write a program that enables computers to engage in sexual intercourse with a willing and able partner (over a LAN or the Internet?). In order for me to do that, I must first teach the programmers writing this code what SEX is. That can only be done in C (C++ version coming out soon). So, here it is, excerpts from the book titled: "SEXX, a brief practical introduction". Also available are: 1) "SEXX - programmers' HANDbook". 2) "SEXX - programmers' guide". 3) "SEXX - programmers' tools". 4) "SEXX - programmers' manual". (c) 1990 - Maxx Kisslick's Software Series. ---------------- page 15 ---------------- #include "people.h" #include "items.h" #include "places.h" #include "personalities.h" procedure sexx( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems ) person *ListOfPeople; item *ListOfItems; { person *PARTNER1 = ListOfPeople, *PARTNER2 = ListOfPeople->nextVictim; sexual position; /* sexual is, of course, a special type */ money wallet; int i; if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 1 ) { if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE ) { if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, SexDoll ) == TRUE ) ENJOY( PARTNER1, ArtificialT*ts, ArtificialP***y ); else ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourHand ); } else { /* if it's a FEMALE */ if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, Vi***tor ) == TRUE ) ENJOY( PARTNER1, GoodVibrations ); else ENJOY( PARTNER1, YourFinger ); } } else if ( LENGTH( ListOfPeople ) == 2 ) { if ( PARTNER1->sex == MALE && PARTNER2->sex == MALE ) { printf("AIDS ALERT, AIDS ALERT\n"); if ( SEARCH( ListOfItem, Condoms ) == TRUE ) { ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1 ); /* 2 wants to be on the top */ } else { printf("No glove no Love!?\n"); ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* only once this time */ } if ( PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE && PARTNER2->sex == FEMALE ) { position = 69; ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->tongue || PARTNER2->finger); ENJOY( PARTNER2, PARTNER1->tongue || PARTNER1->finger); } else { /* Finally, some good, 'old fashioned' heterosexual sex. */ /* Also, (PARTNER1->sex == FEMALE) - "ladies first", right!? */ switch( PARTNER1->PersonalityType ) { case NONE: goto( HOME ); /* She ran away, you're too ugly */ break; case NUN: goto( HOME ); /* Might as well */ break; case WHORE: wallet = wallet - $50; /* Or whatever the going rate is these days? */ goto( MOTEL ); ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); break; case PRUDE: for(i=0; i < 10; i++ ) { goto( DINNER ); wallet -= $50; say("I Love you, dear"); give( GoodNightKiss ); } /* Wow, that was more expensive than the whore */ goto( YourPlace ); ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); break; /* break up and find someone better */ case CAUTIOUS: goto( DINNER ); talk( PreviousSexLife ); lie( Haven'tHadSexFor2Years ); goto( YourPlace || MyPlace ); ENJOY?? ( PARTNER1, PARTNER2, WithGloveOn?? ); break; case CONFUSED: goto( DINNER ); say( "Lets just be friends" ); GetHerDrunk(); goto( YourPlace ); /* because she's too drunk */ ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); break; case MentallyDisturbed: ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); goto( MentalHospital ); LockHerUp(); ThrowAwayTheKeys(); break; /* and make sure she stays there */ case WildNkinky: goto( RESTAURANT ); /* To eat, but not dinner */ Quickie( UnderTableInRestaurant ); Quickie( InTheCarInFrontOfThePoliceStation ); goto( YourPlace || MyPlace ); Quickie( OnTheRoof ); position = 70; /* guess what that is? */ ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); break; /* Exhausted, taking a break */ case DOMINATRESS: if ( SEARCH( ListOfItems, WhipsNchains ) == TRUE ) ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2->TiedUp ); else goto( HOME ); /* No pain, no gain!! */ break; case ValleyGirl: say( "OhMyGod, like I'm such a stud" ); /* Valley English?! */ say( "Lets go to my Bel Air Mansion" ); ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); break; case ENGINEER: take( PARTNER1, Plastic surgeon ); take( PARTNER1, WeightLossClinic ); wallet -= $1000; /* if the above somewhat improved her looks */ if ( PARTNER1->looks > 0 ) then ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); break; case GlenCloseType: case KathleenTurnerType: /* If have seen the War of the Roses */ RunLikeHell(); break; /* hopefully not your neck */ case NORMAL: printf("You are out of luck!!\n"); printf("A normal woman is an oxymoron\n"); break; case OfTheMissingCase: say("Give me a light, NO ... Bud Lite"); say("Tastes Great, Less filling..."); break; default: ENJOY( PARTNER1, PARTNER2 ); /* enjoy anyways */ printf("Anyone who has new cases, let me know\n"); printf("I am ccmax@eel.cs.ucla.edu \n"); } } } else /* when there are more than 2 people */ ORGY( ListOfPeople, ListOfItems ); } funcktion ORGY( ); /* See "SEXX - programmers' guide" for more details */ #include "guide.c"