(word processor parameters LM=1, RM=70, TM=2, BM=2) Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501 Sponsored by Vangard Sciences PO BOX 1031 Mesquite, TX 75150 BEST1001.ASC October 29, 1990 -------------------------------------------------------------------- this file courtesy of Larry Blue WARNING, THIS FILE IS FOR ADULTS 18 OR OLDER!! -------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco? Kick them to San Jose. Then pick them up.......... -------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five times..." -------------------------------------------------------------------- This bear was sitting on a log in the woods, taking a shit. Along came a rabbit. The rabbit asked, "Do you mind if I join you?" The bear replied "Suit yourself." So there they both sat, taking a shit. After they were finished, the bear asked the rabbit, "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said, "No". The bear says, "Good!" Then he grabs the rabbit and with a long sweeping motion wipes his ass.......... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of the perfect wife? A mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of the perfect husband? A guy with a seven inch tongue that can breath through his ears..... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What is white and this long, (hands held about nine inches apart). NOTHING....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Best Seller List: ----------------- Under the Grandstand by Seymore Butz Defensive Driving by Rex Carr & Helen Wheels Mathematics Made Easy by Lois Denominator Pumping Gas by Phil R. Upp Page 1 Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makit & Betty Dont Chinese Population Explosion by Wee-fuken Yung Satisfied! by Massaj Mahrod ------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get if you mix an Aggie and a Mexican? A guy that spray paints his name on a chain link fence....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every time he would take a $1000.00 bill with him. One day his wife came home and announced that she was going to the National Housewives Convention and she would need a thousand dollars. The salesman asked her, "Why?" She said, "You take a thousand dollars with you every time you go to a convention." He said, " Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble, and you have your own pussy. What do you need a thousand dollars for?" ------------------------------------------------------------------ Why did Santa Ana only have 2,000 Mexicans at the Alamo? They only had two station wagons.... They had a pickup truck, but it wouldn't start.......... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why can't they find a cure for A.I.D.S.? They can't get two rats to butt fuck....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What does "N" stand for at the University of Nebraska? Nowledge -------------------------------------------------------------------- These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls. One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks friendly..." -------------------------------------------------------------------- What do Billy Graham and the Dallas Cowboys have in common? They both can fill up Texas Stadium, and in fifteen minutes, they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!! -------------------------------------------------------------------- What do Arkansas women put behind their ears to attract guys? Their ankles. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Pollack that thought his wife was trying to kill him? He found a bottle of polish remover in the medicine cabinet..... -------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you keep little black kids from jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Page 2 God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway. Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it. At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go. Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball in the cup. St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are you gonna fuck around!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy gets his penis shot off in Vietnam. One day at home he is reading the T.V. guide and sees an ad for a doctor that says he can fix this. When he gets to the doctor, he asks, "What do you use." The doctor says, "Baby elephant trunks." So the guy decides to have the surgery. About six months go by and the guy finally gets the nerve up to ask a lady out to dinner. As they are eating dinner, this thing comes out from under the table, grabs a biscuit, and darts back underneath the table. The girl sees this and thinks to herself, "If that happens again, I'm going to have to say something." A few minutes later, this thing comes out from under the table and grabs another biscuit. The lady says, "Buddy, I don't know what that is, but, if it happens again, I'm going to get mad!" The guy says, "Your going to get mad. Hell, if that thing stuffs another biscuit up my ass, I'm REALLY going to get mad! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty years? One of them dropped a quarter............ -------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world." The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!" Page 3 Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson......." -------------------------------------------------------------------- This couple was crossing the desert with a camel. The lady was pregnant and riding the camel. All of a sudden, they were stopped by an Israeli patrol. The soldiers asked for some identification. The soldiers looked at the I.D.s and saw that the man was Joseph, and the lady was Mary. So they asked the couple where they were going. They replied "Jerusalem." The two soldiers looked at each other and grinned, "Yea, and I guess your going to name the baby Jesus?" The couple replied, " What!? We look Puerto Rican?!?!?!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes." The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......" -------------------------------------------------------------------- This zoo had a female gorilla, but no male gorilla. This female gorilla was really getting horny and the zoo had no one to take care of her. One day they decided to advertise in the paper for someone who would "take care of" this female gorilla. They started at $200.00 but got no response. Finally, at $1000.00 a guy answered the ad. The guy looked at the gorilla and told the zoo keeper that he would do it, but only if they would put a bag over the gorilla's head. The zoo keeper agreed. So they put a bag over the gorillas head and this guy got into the cage. Well this gorilla was extremely horny. She grabbed this guy and started fucking him every way you could imagine. They were bouncing off the walls, up and down the cage, making love wildly. All of a sudden the guy started yelling at the top of his voice, "Get it off! Get it off!" So the attendants jumped in the cage and pulled the gorilla off. The guy yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!" "You said to get it off." The guy says, "Hell, I meant the bag, I wanna kiss the bitch!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation. The first place they go is a beach. The Texan says, "Well yaknow, this is really a pretty beach, but it aint no big deal. Hell, we got beaches just as pretty on South Padre Island." The next place they go is Honolulu. The Texan says, "Well, yea this is alright. But we got more buildings, and taller buildings than this in both Houston and Dallas. This aint no big deal." Well this goes on all day. Everywhere they go, there is something in Texas just as good. The tour guide is getting tired of this. Page 4 Finally he takes the group up to the top of a live volcano. As they are standing around this, the tour guide looked at the Texan and asked, "Well you son of a bitch, you got anything like this in Texas?" The Texan thought about it for a minute and replied, "Well no. But I'll tell you what. We got a fire department in Waco that will put that son of a bitch out in about fifteen minutes....." -------------------------------------------------------------------- These two ladies were walking down the street when they came across this frog. The frog said, "Kiss me and I will turn into a handsome Texas oil man." One lady reached down, grabbed the frog and put it in her purse. The other looked at her and said, "Aren't you going to kiss that frog?" She replied, "Hell no! A talking frog is worth a lot more money than a Texas oil man......" -------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a Jewish American Princess's favorite wine? I wanna go to Miami..... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team? They're all over here....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- How many Ethiopians can you get in a phone booth? All of them......... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call two queers named Bob? Oral Roberts..... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments? God was coming down the mountain and the first person he came across was not Moses. It was a Roman. He asked the Roman if he wanted any commandments? The Roman replied, What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not kill." The Roman replied, "Hell no! We're a warring nation. That's how we make our living." So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he wanted a commandment. The guy replied, "What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not steal." The guy said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living." So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was Moses with a bunch of little Jews following him. God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?" Moses asked, "How much are they?" God said, "They're free." Moses replied "Yea sure, we'll take ten....." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did God invent women? Sheep can't cook...... Page 5 -------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp. He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it. Sure enough, a genie popped out. The genie said, "Thank you for getting me/out of that lamp. In return, I will grant you one wish." So the guy thought about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan city." Pooof, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo... -------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each Sabbath. The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine." The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is mine and the rest belongs to God." The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......" -------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy goes walking into a bar with an alligator. He sets the the alligator up on the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you serve cajuns in this bar?" The bartender replies, "Yes sir. We have to by federal law." The guy goes, "Good! Bring me a scotch and water and a cajun for my alligator...." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee? They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin...... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why won't a rattlesnake bite a salesman? Professional courtesy....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know how to get rid of a bunch of Libyans? Tell a bunch of Cajuns they're good eating, and out of season.. -------------------------------------------------------------------- This low budget oil producer had an oil well that was on fire. He called every oil well fire fighter in the phone book. All of them were very expensive. Red Adair wanted $25,000 just to come look at the fire. There was no way he could afford this. Finally, he noticed an ad for Jose's Fire Fighting Service. He called Jose and asked how much he charged? Jose said, "Senor, I only charge $1,000." The producer thought, Great! "Well OK Jose, come on out and look at my oil well fire." The producer was standing on a hill looking at his oil well fire when a pickup truck with Jose's Fire Fighting on the door and ten Mexicans in the back came across the hill and drove straight into the fire. Page 6 All of the Mexicans got out of the truck and started stomping their feet and waiving their serapes screaming, "Ariba! Ariba!" After about fifteen minutes, the fire was out. The producer couldn't believe it. The fire was out! The producer yelled, "Congratulations Jose! What are you going to do with the $1,000?" Jose answered, "Well senor, the first thing I do is feex the brakes on this truck..." -------------------------------------------------------------------- Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide which one to lay off because they were both really good workers. One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off." Jill replied, "Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a headache........" -------------------------------------------------------------------- This guy was saying, "Now that I have taken the Dallas Cowboys bumper sticker off my car, it's passing and running better..." -------------------------------------------------------------------- How did Donna Rice vote in the '88 election? Undecided. She couldn't decide whether to give her heart to Bush, or give her bush to Hart....... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What did Gary Hart say to Donna Rice the day after the election? "I said LICK THE ERECTION, not WRECK THE ELECTION !!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women sky divers wear tampons? So they won't whistle on the way down. -------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a dog with no legs??? Cigarette. He won't come when you call, but you can always take him out for a drag. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see an amputee. "Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?" He replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" -------------------------------------------------------------------- How does an Aggie tie his shoe? (put left foot on chair, tie right shoe) -------------------------------------------------------------------- Page 7 URINALYSIS ------------ EXITABLE - Rips apart shorts if he can't find it right away. TOUGH - Bangs dick on side of urinal. CLEVER - Look, no hands! Fixes tie, looks around. Pisses on floor. EFFICIENT - Reads messages while pissing. Pisses on floor. DIFFERENT - Doesn'care if urinals are in use or not. Pisses in sink BUREAUCRAT - Can't piss with out being told when, where, & for how long. ABSENT MINDED - Opens vest, Pulls out tie, pisses in pants. FRIVILOUS - Plays with stream. shoots at flys/gnats. AGGIE - Leaves with that big mint that someone left in the urinal. -------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference in a Texas Oilman & a Pigeon? The Pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes. -------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between Pigmy Geniuses & Women Joggers? The Pigmies are a cunning bunch of runts.... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between straight rodeo riders & gay Rodeo riders? The fans of the straight rider yell "ride that sucker!"... -------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between an angry rooster & a lawyer? The rooster clucks with defiance... -------------------------------------------------------------------- 5000 years ago, Moses said: Pick up your shovel, mount your ass, and I'll lead you to the promised land. 5000 years later, Roosevelt said: Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, and light up a camel, for this is the promised land. Today, Reagan will tax your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass, and tell you there is no promised land. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Page 8