----- Here's a stack of Irish jokes I found in one of my archival files. Some of these, I'm aware, have already been sent over the net. I know: that's how I got 'em. Others came from other sources. Most are inoffensive; some are quite biting. The first one, for instance, may be found offensive by many gays. Others will be found offensive by other groups of "right-thinking people." Tough. Anyone with thin skin is stepping on their own...uh...toe by reading rec.humor. Here's a linefeed for thin skinners -- then the fun begins. And remember, flames only encourage me. Have fun, d ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun.... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life? Third grade. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't." His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you sink an Irish submarine? Knock on the hatch. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it for Mick to see. "Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?" "No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was shorter than that." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you identify an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for unnatural connubial practices?" "Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the connubial." Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?" Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?" "It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me." "He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?" "Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys." Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are. "Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job." Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now, that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you." Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? A: Paddy O'Furniture! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who _saw_ any snakes! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---- HEAVEN is when The police is English The cook is French The mechanics is German The lover is Italian Everything is organized by Swiss And there are absolutely NO Belgium drivers HELL is when The police is German The cook is English The mechanics is French The lover Swiss The driver Belgium and everything is organized by Italians *************************************************************************** Two Polish junkies are getting ready to shoot up some heroin, and a friend walks in and says: "What are you doing? Don't you know you'll get AIDS from that!?" To which they replied: "No problem, we're wearing condoms!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Good for you! Here's a real Aggie joke, not just a Polish joke or some such that's had a few words replaced. Hope you enjoy it: There was once a very very stupid farmer in Texas. The farmer decided he wanted to raise chickens, so he bought a standard gross of (144) chicks. He planted the chicks in the field, watered them regularly, but nothing happened. He was a persistent type, though, so he bought another gross of chicks and planted them and cared for them -- still nothing. Finally he decided he needed professional help, so he wrote a letter to the Texas A & M extension service, explaining exactly what he'd done in detail and asking for their advice. About two weeks later he received a letter from A & M, and read it: "Mr. X, we are unable to diagnose your problem without further information. Please send a soil sample." ----- Q: what's a specimen? A: Italian astronaut! Q: What's the solution to Rubik's Cube? A: Spray paint. ----- D: why did so many blacks die in Vietnam? N: because every time they heard "GET DOWN", they started dancing! ---- Q. what's a bigamist? A. a heavy fog in Naples! Q. whats bigotry? A. what you find in an Italian forest! Q. What's innuendo? A. an Italian curse! --- Innuendo is Italian for Preparation H. ---- And now for the boys down at Guido's Leg Breaker Lounge in Kent, a quiz about Italians. A Quiz About Italians --------------------- 1) During World War II, Hitler hoped Italy would . . . a) be a strong member of the Axis powers b) act as a staging area for activities in the Mediterranean c) get stomped flat by the Allies before Germany did 2) Who fired the last 3 shots into Mussolini's body? a) his own general cabinet leader b) Italian partisans who saw El Duce' destroy Italy c) 3,000 Italian sharp-shooters 3) Most Italians attend soccer games to . . . a) see the home team win one against the rest of Europe b) to root for the teams they hope will go to the Olympics c) get drunk and start fights 4) Bullfighting is considered inhumane because . . . a) the bull is drugged and doesn't stand a chance b) the bullfighter bleeds the bull to sap its strength c) the bull is about 3 times smarter than the average Italian matador 5) During World War II, it was a great honor if an Italian ship . . . a) saw more than 20 battles b) was asked to join a German action c) stayed afloat more than 15 minutes 6) Italians fought so hard for Casino in World War II because they thought... a) that this would be Italy's last stand b) Hitler would reward them with new equipment c) it was a pizza parlor 7) Hitler chose El Duce' as his Axis counterpart because . . . a) he needed Italy to take Austria b) he needed a staging ground for North African actions c) Hitler thought El Duce' looked a lot like Curley and needed a good laugh 8) The mention of El Duce' in Italy today will . . . a) bring a flush of shame on the faces of Italians b) result in an argument about facism vs. communism in modern Italy c) bring some huge guy named Vinnie to break your legs 9) The Patron Saint of Italy is . . . a) Saint Jehrome b) Saint Augustus c) Frank Sinatra 10) In Italian business, a hostile takeover usually involves . . . a) lawyers locked in death battles over obscure legal issues b) corperate heads trying to build the biggest golden parachutes they can c) gunfire 11) The Italian airforce lacks helicopters because . . . a) they don't think the helicopter has a place in jet-age warfare b) they would rather concentrate on ground forces over air forces c) the big blade goes "Wop Wop Wop" and the little one goes "Dago Dago Dago" 12) Most Italians are . . . a) warm and friendly people b) kind to tourists c) wanted in at least 3 countries "Uh, 'cuse me Squire. Vinne and I don't like this 'ere quiz. Why don't you do a quiz 'bout someone else, like the Germans. Or we'll punch you in the mouf." And now . . . For the two nice gents from Italy, a quiz about . . . Germans! (*applause*) A quiz about Germans what have no mafia --------------------------------------- 1) It is a proud day in a German family when a son . . . a) gets an apprenticeship in the auto industry b) joins the service c) can drink his old man under the table 2) Looting, riots, burning and pillaging are most associated with . . . a) Crystal Night, 1937 b) The Russian Occupation, 1945 c) Octoberfest, 1989 3) The best way to get a German to move quickly is to . . . a) yell "RUN!" b) yell "FIRE!" c) yell "HEY! DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT THE NUEMBERG TRIBUNAL?!" 4) Most Germans scatter and hide under tables . . . a) during NATO exercises b) when nuclear drills are rehearsed c) whenever someone mentions war crimes 5) Most pilots in the GDR today are . . . a) the most highly skilled in Europe b) proud members of the EEC c) aging Stuka pilots who keep getting flashbacks about Poland 6) The reason flight 201 went down over Scotland was . . . a) terrorism b) mental fatigue c) Pilot error: The GDR pilot thought he was over Krakow 7) Had Hitler wanted to win the war, he would have heavily defended . . . a) aircraft manufacturers b) heavy weapons plants c) breweries 8) In regards to World War II, most Germans . . . a) wish they had taken a stand when the Nazi party was small and weak b) wish that the Holocaust never happened c) wish they had won 9) The takeover of American firms by German firms is called . . . a) extro-European business b) fair competition on a global basis c) revenge for the Dresden fire bombing 10) In regards to the Holocaust, most Germans think . . . a) "What a deep shame it is for all of Germany for the rest of history." b) "It is our fault for not standing up in the Jew's hour of need." c) "Better them than us." 11) When crossing the English Channel, GDR pilots usually . . . a) check the weather at Heathrow b) switch over to VOR's on the British side of the Channel c) start scanning for Spitfires 12) ______ is not a very popular vacation spot for Germans. a) Japan b) China c) Israel 13) Perhaps the biggest German business failure ever was . . . a) attempting to build the Airbus entirely out of German parts b) trying to export Volkswagons to Japan c) selling ovens to the Israelis 14) The biggest German export to America is . . . a) aerospace technology b) automobiles c) skinheads 15) The Black Forest is filled with . . . a) wolves b) foxes c) skinheads 16) Given their choice, most GDR pilots would prefer to fly a . . . a) Boeing 757 b) European Airbus c) German ME-109 17) Most Germans who fought in World War II are now . . . a) unified in their belief that the war was a mistake b) honored in quiet home ceremonies c) part of the ground between Moscow and Berlin 18) Had Hitler known any better, he would have . . . a) gone into the Soviet Union 5 weeks earlier b) never invaded Poland c) kept on painting houses 19) When Germans close their eyes, they dream of . . . a) owning a BMW b) sending their kids to an American university c) Argentina 20) When asked about the war, most Germans will respond . . . a) "It is a deep shame for all of us." b) "May God forgive us for what we have done." c) "Better luck next time, 'eh?" --- A family had lived in Brooklyn for three years, and their eight-year-old son had attended a Brooklyn public school for the past two years. The people of Brooklyn are renowned for their unusual, if not unique, manner of speaking, and the two years of school had given the young fellow an accent that would be recognizable anywhere in the English-speaking world. The parents were concerned about this, for they were from Virginia, and did not think it proper that their son should speak in such a manner...excuse me, mannah. They were well-to-do, so they imported a nanny from their home state, with instructions to Get The Brooklyn Out Of That Boy's Mouth. Saturday morning, the nanny took the lad for the first of many walks in a nearby park. Hearing a bird making a large ruckus high in a tree, the boy said to the nanny "Listen to that boid!" Taking her instructions seriously, the nanny admonished him "That's not boid, it's bird." Puzzled, the boy replied "It choips like a boid." ---------------------------------------------- Why is Poland just like the United States? In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. -- {ed A JEDR is an generic acryonym for a Joke Ethnic/Denomination/Race. It is pronounced "Jedder."} A large oil field in Oklahoma suffers a disaster in the form of a huge rig fire. The foreman, desperate to curtail the blaze, thumbs thru the phone book for Red Adare's number (Red is a famous oil-firefighter). Foreman finds the number, calls, and is told that Red is unavailable, since he's fighting an off-shore rig fire in Southern California. Desperate, the foreman returns to the book and finds, listed under Red Adare, a "Red ", advertising rig fire services at $100 per hour. Since this is CONSIDERABLY cheaper than Adare anyway, the guy calls and describes the situation. He is assured that someone will be on the scene within the hour. True to his word, within 45 minutes the foreman sees a vehicle approaching the scene of the blaze at top speed. As it gets closer, he notes that it is a grungy '68 pickup, with a load of JEDRs in the back. Without slowing, the pickup drives directly into the middle of the fire, everyone in the back jumps out with soaking-wet blankets, and with intense screaming and running around, proceed to beat out the fire completely. Red approaches the foreman and gives him a bill for $100 (one hour minimum) The foreman is so impressed, he offers him an additional $500 bonus for the prompt and effective work. "Man, this will REALLY help" says Red. "Oh?" says the foreman. "How so?" "Now I can go buy brakes for the truck." (Here are some more ethnic jokes to offend new constituencies.) = = = = = = = = = A Dutch joke about Belgians: Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Belgium? A: God couldn't find three wise men in Belgium. (source: a colleague's friend in Holland) A pair of Missouri jokes about Arkansas: Q: What's considered foreplay in Arkansas? A: When the man says, "Brace yourself, Linda Lou." (source: Johnny Carson's list of state jokes collected by his staff and aired about 6 years ago) Q: How do you tell if an Arkansas girl is old enough to marry? A: Make her stand in a barrel. If her chin is over the top, she's old enough. If it isn't, cut the barrel down a bit. (source: ???? I was raised in Missouri--I heard this one about 10 years ago) A standard one: Q: Why did God make North Dakota? A: To protect Canada from South Dakota! (source: I've heard it all over. I think it surfaced on the same Carson show using Minnesota and Iowa.) -- ------ [From the World's Best Aussie Jokes] Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife was producing their first baby. As he paced the floor, a nurse popped her head round the door. "You've a little boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a cup of coffee because there might be another!" Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and was told he was the father of twins. "But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way. Ring back again in a little while." At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough. He ordered a few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a 3rd baby had arrived and a fourth was imminent. Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score. When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was still going strong: "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck." ------ from "Last Train to Whiskeyville"... This is Tom Whiskey, frontier doctor, here to tell you a story about Harry and Hiastod Whiskey, frontier morons, probably the two dumbest men i've ever known...well, one winter day they decided to go ice fishing, so there they were, out on the ice, they set up their little shanty, set a little fire in the shanty to keep warm, and just as they were about to start drilling, they heard a deep voice say, "There are NO fish under there!"...so they thought, well, voice from above, so they put out their fire, moved their shanty to another spot, built another small fire to keep warm, and they were JUST about to drill when they heard a deep voice say, "There are NO fish under the ice there!"...so they thought, well, and they moved their shanty to yet another spot on the ice, built anotherr fire to keep warm, they were just about to drill again and again they heard a deep voice say, "There are NO fish under the ice there!" So Harry Whiskey, frontier moron, turns to Hiastod and says, "Hey, whose voice is that anyway?" And the deep voice booms out again - "THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!!!" yep, i'll never forget it!!! In this little village a young woman was raped. She reported the insident to the police and the sheriff took drastic action immediately. He calls all males above twelve and puts them in a big room. - I called you here to find the truth about the rape. He snaps his finger and a deputy brings in the woman. One of the then steps forward, stares for a couple of seconds on the victim and says with pride and satisfaction: - She is the one sheriff. I recognized her... ----- A Norwegian pilot was being interviewed on radio after World War II. The interviewer asks, "Describe the most difficult dogfight you were in". The Norwegian pilot responds, "Ya by golly, we vas flying at 1600' when des two Fokkers came out of de sun". The interviewer asks, "Wasn't the Fokker a heavily armed German fighter plane?". The pilot says, "Ya, dats right, but des Fokkers vas flying Messerschmits". ---- The unwed girl told her mother she was pregnant. Her mother asked, "Are you sure it's yours?" ----- 1> Having just brought his son home from the eye doctor's, the Scotsman said to his wife, "Now be sure to take Donald's glasses off when he's not looking at anything." 2> A Scotsman goes into the doctor's office carrying a gallon jug full of urine which he gives as part of his annual physical. After the examination, the doctor says to him, "Angus, I am happy to tell you that I found absolutely nothing wrong." "Really now," Angus, "No sugar? No albumen?" "No, Angus. Everything was normal," replies the doctor. "Great!" says Angus. "May I use your phone for a moment?" "Sure," answers the Doctor. Angus dials a number and says, "Hello Mary! Good news! Not I, nor you, nor our son, nor even Uncle Gordie have anything wrong with us!" ------- ---- How can you tell that there are flamingoes living in your neighborhood? Because they have plastic 's on their front lawns! A JEDR jetliner exploded just after takeoff, and crashed into a cemetery. So far, they've found four thousand bodies, and they're still digging. ----- In a small Alabama town, almost everybody was excited about the wedding that was comming up, but at the last moment, the groom called off the wedding. A puzzled drifter wanted to know why. PD: "Why did you call off the wedding so suddenly?" Former groom: "I just found out last night that she's a virgin!" Even more PD: "But why is that so bad?" FG father, leaping to his son's defense: "Hell, if she's not good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for my son!" ------ What do you get when you cross a jew and a gypsy? A chain of empty stores. How do you brain wash an italian? Give him an enema. Why don't polish women breast feed their babys? It hurts to much when they boil their nipples. How do you stop 5 blacks from raping a white girl? Throw them a basketball. What goes into to 13 three times? Roman Polanski. ----- What would you get if Sammy Davis Jr Mated with Bo Derek. a 10 of spades. What do you call 4 ethnics ibn a Caddilac Grand Theft Auto. ----- Why don't Italians eat fleas They can't get their legs apart. What do you call an italian with an IQ of 180 Sicily. What yellow, ugly and sleeps alone? Yoko Ono What did John say when he saw her naked ONO. How do you get an Iranian girl preggers cum in her shoe and let the flies do the rest. ------ What dso you call haitian with half a brain gifted how do save a drowning colombian throw him an anchor ------ Why wasn't christ born in Alabama They couildn't find three wisemen and a virgin. Hear about the ethnic who cleaned out his ears and his head collapsed. What do you call a black skin diver Jauques Coustodian How do you tell when an Iraian girl is menstrating? she only wears one sock. Why are ethnic girl s and Hocky goal tenders alike. Theyu both change pads after three periods Canadians ? We call 'em icebacks ! ------- Why can't you teach arabs drivers ed and sex ed on the same day ? The camels can't take the strain. What is the current fashion rage in China? Tank tops! ----- ----- OBJ: This Newfie goes in to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. All I ever think about is sex. I can't ever get it off my mind. Sex, sex, sex. Can you help." "I think I can help," says the shrink, "but first I have to conduct a preliminary examination. I'm going to say a word, and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes into your mind. Mother." "Sex." "Morning." "Sex." "Piano." "Sex." The doctor raises his eyebrows and continues, "Mashed potatoes." "Sex." "Economy." "Sex." "NDP." "Sex." Finally he decides to go all out. "Vagina!" "Saskatchewan." What do you call a North Dakotan with a third grade education? Professor What do you call a north dakotan with a one way plane ticket to MT? smart What do you call a north dakotan who smells like manure and has sex with his mother? Normal Why are the chinooks (sp) so strong in montana ? Because North Dakota Sucks note: Chinooks are winds that blow from west to east in the winter, and can warm things up alot. What is the best thing coming out of North Dakota? I 94 That's it. Hope all you Montanas enjoyed. >Do you know what they mean in North Dakota when they say Higher >Education? > >When simple addition is taught in a large tractor. > >Ok, it's not funny. Oh, come on. We can do better than that. What's the North Dakota state tree? The telephone pole. What's the North Dakota state bird? The mosquito. The only thing between North Dakota and the North Pole is a barbed-wire fence. Of course, it blew over in the last blizzard. If North Dakota were to seceede from the Union, it would be the third largest nuclear power in the world (Minot AFB, Grand Forks AFB; 300 missles, 35 bombers). North Dakota: So far from Heaven, so close to Montana. Why is South Dakota so windy? because North Dakota blows and Nebraska sucks. --------------------------------------- When Custer went into battle, he left from N.D.. His last words were: Don't do anything while I'm Gone. They didn't. --------------------------------------- Remember North Dakota is the state that may change its name because North souds cold. --------------------------------------- One day, a forman for a North Dakota landscaping crew was in this store (I was just passing through). Periodically, he would shout outside "Green side up." I started talking to him about whatever. He kept going outside and shouting "Green side up." Finally, after about one hour, I asked him about "Green side up." He replied "If I don't remind them, they will plant the sod green side down" --------------------------------------- Why is Eastern Montana so brown? THey Hired North Dakotans to lay the sod --------------------------------------- Recently, the Billings (MT) Gazette ran a contest to help the people of ND rename there state. Some Entiries (Withoug permission): Wear-da-coat-and-da-hata Manitscolda Zipdacotatup Subtopia and finally: Land of the Frozen Dead