From mlindsey@X102A.UUCP Tue Jan 10 18:30:06 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: mlindsey@X102A.UUCP (Steve Lindsey 04396) Subject: Some comments from Julius Keywords: chuckle, sexual Date: 11 Jan 89 00:30:06 GMT These are all true Groucho Marx anecdotes garnered from "The Portable Curmudgeon" compiled by Jon Winokur. ********************************** Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation). Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing the stuff on." ********************************** A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly. "I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while." -- Steve Lindsey -- From jsb@actnyc.UUCP Thu Jan 12 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: jsb@actnyc.UUCP (The Invisible Man) Subject: Anouncing badnews Keywords: usenet, original, chuckle Date: 13 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT Announcing badnews*, a realistic approach to Usenet. Why badnews? The news software currently in use freely mixes policy with mechanism and actually creates obtacles for its user community. In practice, this inhibits no one and merely results in frustration which, as has been clinically proved, leads to aggression. The time has come to give users what they really want. Badnews fixes the following bugs in previous news software: 1) Due to a bug, previous news read/post programs limited the 'cancel' command to the users own postings. Badnews fixes this problem. 2) Previous signatures were limited to 4 lines. Badnews supports arbitrarily large signatures. If your signature is too small, badnews will pad it with such cute sayings as "flames >/dev/null" and the like. 3) Previous software insisted that followup additions be longer than included text. In this interim release, badnews fixes this restriction by automatically generating extra lines of cute sayings like "inews fodder". 4) To avoid wasting bandwidth caused by articles failing to reach their intended target, badnews will refuse to post articles not crossposted to at least 4 newsgroups. 5) Due to a design error, previous news software actually discouraged thoughtful postings and selected for ego-maniacs and one-true-wayists by trying to intimidate the poster asking if they "really wanted to do this". Badnews will be more supportive and say "Thank you for sharing." 6) Current software encourages a bandwidth wasting redundancy by requiring a 'Subject:' line when the actual subject (if any) can always be inferred from the article itself. Badnews eliminates this redundancy by automatically generating a contentless or irrelevant 'Subject:' such as "Help needed", "Posting", or "This line intentionally left blank". New commands available: 1) The 'Sue' command automatically initiates a lawsuit against the author of the currently read message. 2) The 'Expand' command automatically decrypts many common abbreviations which may appear in the currently read message, such as: IMHO, PC, SO, BTW, MOTAS, BMW, MES 3) The 'Suicide' command automatically deposits the users name in other users' kill files. In this interim release, this command is limited to adding your name to Ted Kaldis's kill file. 4) The 'Notify' command contacts powerful people associated with the currently read message. Current options include: notify employer, notify sysadmin, and notify the press. 5) The 'Sexchange' command automatically switches the genders in the message currently being read. The interim release limits this function to two genders. New posting aids: Many postings are actually the same or similar to messages sent before. In order to make such duplication easier, Badnews provides automatic posting on common topics selected from a menu. Menus currently available will cover 1) Hoaxes/urban legends 2) Requests for money 3) Jokes about strings 4) Commonly asked questions (e.g. How do I get my current directory to print out in my prompt?) 5) A SERIOUS DILEMMA FOR THE NET 6) Appropriate flames to respond to the user using 1-5 above 7) Appropriate counter flame to respond to user using 6 above Future enhancements will include: 1) Kill with prejudice which will notify via mail (with appropriate nasty epithets) the author of any article being killed. 2) Kill by gender, ethnic group, political slant 3) Auto-forge to fake the header of real or non-existent persons. 4) The 'Pull' command to pull another user's net account. 5) Kill with extreme prejudice, to actually terminate the life of a user. 6) Starwars, to build a shield to protect oneself from 1-5 above. Followups or requests for Beta versions should go to alt.paranoid. * Badnews is a trademark of Charletanics -- From danny@masscomp.UUCP Sun Jan 15 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: danny@masscomp.UUCP (Dan Pearl) Subject: David's LAST Wish Keywords: original, funny Date: 15 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT Organization: Concurrent Computer Corp. - Westford, Ma {ed Forwarded from misc.misc by Jamie Walsh.} >From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988: 12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead (AP) December 18, 1988 - Streetly, England - Mario Morby, a 12 year old record holder in the "Guinness Book of World Records", was killed yesterday when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morby's collection, estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of the nicer ones. Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Mario's wish for postcards. "Had we realized the trouble that we caused, we would have never gotten involved," said Frances Keefe, the founder of the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym "David" when requesting postcards on Morby's behalf. "It makes us heartsick," Keefe continued, "to realize that we have contributed to this gentle child's death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards were his life." Morby's body was discovered by the family dog, who notified the district constable. Foul play is not suspected. Ross McWhirter, author of the "Guinness Book of World Records", said in a prepared statement that "it is ironic that Morby's record has been overshadowed by that of another boy named 'David' who is dying of leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him in a new catagory in the mid-year 1989 update edition: 'Most Senseless Death'." Contributions in Morby's memory may be made to Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc., P.O. Box 5997, Spring Hill, FL, USA. -- Daniel Pearl ...!uunet!masscomp!danny -- From bogart%gr@cs.utah.edu Mon Jan 16 05:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: bogart%gr@cs.utah.edu (Rod G. Bogart) Subject: pirate's interview Keywords: heard it, smirk Date: 16 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during galeforce winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off." The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard." Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and crapped in me eye." The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From argyriou@violet.Berkeley.EDU Mon Jan 16 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: argyriou@violet.Berkeley.EDU (Anthony Argyriou) Subject: Communist Quiz (Not "Who won the F.A. cup?") Keywords: chuckle, offense=trotskyites Date: 17 Jan 89 00:30:04 GMT (48pt) ME? A GREAT LEADER? (12 pt) "ME, START A VANGUARD PARTY TO LEAD THE WORKING CLASS TO REVOLUTION? YOU MUST BE KIDDING!" JUST IMAGINE BEING A RESPECTED AND BELOVED FATHERLY LEADER UNDER WHOSE WISE GUIDANCE THE REVOLUTIONARY MASSES WILL FORGE AHEAD DAILY WITH THE FIERY ZEAL OF A "SPEED-UP" CAMPAIGN!!!! (10 pt) Over the past few years, Party Builders Associates has aided countless individuals and groups to form vanguard parties intelligently tailored to their own needs. These people are now leading creative, happy lives fighting one another. What we've done for others, we can do for you. A few minutes filling out the following questionnaire may be the best investment you'll ever make. Your answers will enable Party Builders Associates, preserving strict confidentiality, to work out a party program that is JUST RIGHT for you and your friends. And now, here's the questionnaire. We advise using a pencil, since these are by no means easy questions, and your party will not be able to alter the positions taken here without seriously damaging your credibility among the workers. 1) The Russian Revolution turned away from socialism in: ___(a) 1917 ___(b) 1927 ___(c) 1953 ___(d) 1957 ___(e) It hasn't yet, but my group will be te first to denounce it when it does 2) Black people are: ___(a) A nation ___(b) A nation of a new type ___(c) A super-exploited sector of the working class ___(d) Petit-bourgeios ___(e) A colony ___(f) Please send me more information about this controversial group 3) The main danger facing the workers' vanguard in the present epoch is: ___(a) Right opportunism ___(b) "Left" sectarianism ___(c) Right opportunism masking as "left" sectarianism ___(d) My parents ___(e) Other (please specify) 4) Rather than focus on narrow economic issues, my party will offer a cultural critique of life in advanced capitalist countries. The following are signs of capitalist decadence: ___(a) Feminism ___(b) Trotskyism ___(c) Pornographic movies ___(d) Recent price increases in pornographic movies ___(e) Other (please give exact details) 5) I would like to include the following in the title of my party: ___(a) Labor ___(b) Workers ___(c) Revolutionary ___(d) Socialist ___(e) Communist ___(f) Vanguard ___(g) Progressive ___(h) October(November) ___(i) United ___(j) International ___(k) World ___(l) Movement ___(m) M ___(n) L ___(o) All of the above [reprinted from "The Fifth Estate", Detroit, MI, whatever the hell that is] [ Reputedly now defunct ] -- From bill@ssbn.WLK.COM Tue Jan 17 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: bill@ssbn.WLK.COM (Bill Kennedy) Subject: Conventioneers Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual Date: 18 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT Three conventioneers had finally managed to tire their wives to go back to the hotel and finally located a house of negotiable affection. The madam was crestfallen. "Sorry fellows, all the girls are busy... No one left but me." "Gee, we spent most of the evening getting rid of our wives and we're leaving tomorrow, isn't there anything you can do?" "Well there's always me, I give specials..." The first guy decided he'd go for it and when he came back downstairs he had a grin ear to ear. "How was it? How much was it?" "It was great! I got the $25 special. She has this can of Readi-Whip and she sprays it all around and then licks it off, great!" The second fellow doesn't hesitate, bolts up the stairs and is back after a while, grinning like the first. "How was it? How much was it?" "It was super! I got the $50 special. Same as Jack, the Readi-Whip, but she had some chopped walnuts that she sprinkled on it. Nibbled off the walnuts and licked off the Readi-Whip, faantaaastic!" The third could not be constrained, he raced up the stairs and came back shortly thereafter, chin between his knees. "Gosh! What happened? What went wrong?" "Well, I got the $75 special, kinda like what you guys got but she starts with a pineapple ring. Then there's the Readi-Whip, the chopped walnuts, but she's got some chocolate sprikles and a cherry she puts on top. Damn! it looked so good I ate it myself..." -- Bill Kennedy ...{killer,att,cs.utexas.edu,sun!daver}!ssbn!bill or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM -- From coltoff@prc.unisys.com Wed Jan 18 18:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: coltoff@prc.unisys.com (Joel Coltoff) Subject: Let's pick on the ecomomists Keywords: chuckle Date: 19 Jan 89 00:30:03 GMT An economist is back in his old college town many years after graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors. He happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk so he picks it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he comments to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10 years ago. The professor assures him that this is correct but adds that this time the answers are different. -- From toddm@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM Thu Jan 19 05:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: toddm@tekig5.PEN.TEK.COM (Todd Mount PO Box 500) Subject: Longevity... Keywords: heard it, chuckle Date: 19 Jan 89 11:30:05 GMT (Original source unknown) One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!" "Did I say I was 64?" "Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?" "Damn straight you did! I'm 85!" "85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?" "Did I say he was dead?" "You mean..." "Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!" "My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?" "Did I say he was dead?" "No! You can't mean..." "Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!" "126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!" "Did I say he _wanted_ to get married?..." -- From ericco%sag4.ssl.Berkeley.EDU@jade.berkeley.edu Thu Jan 19 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: ericco%sag4.ssl.Berkeley.EDU@jade.berkeley.edu (Eric C. Olson) Subject: The Chairman Keywords: chuckle Date: 20 Jan 89 00:30:05 GMT >From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according to the Wall Street Journal: A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a particularly colorful bird and asked its price. "Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied. "Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?" "Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the reply. "With the European Community's unicifation due in 1992, he'll be a great asset." "I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said. "What about that gray one in that other cage?" The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese -- "the languages of the 21st century." "I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in the corner?" The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds. "Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does he do to worth that?" "We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two call him chairman." -- Eric C. Olson ericco@sag4.ssl.berkeley.edu -- From hack@merkin.cactus.org Fri Jan 20 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: hack@merkin.cactus.org (Greg Hackney) Subject: Mortal talks with God Keywords: smirk, heard it Date: 20 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second... -- From srt@aerospace.aero.org Sat Jan 21 02:20:18 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: srt@aerospace.aero.org Subject: Top Ten Earthquake Lines Keywords: original, topical, chuckle, gross Date: 21 Jan 89 08:20:18 GMT [On the 18th, Southern California was rocked with an earthquake that registered 5.0 on the Richter Scale.] Top Ten Lines Associated With Last Night's Earthquake 10. Was it good for you? 9. I guess Oprah's off her diet. 8. What's that Scotsman doing in that alley? 7. Oh no, not *another* Apocalypse. 6. I told you that was Mary Lou Retton. 5. Whoa! Who dropped the soap? 4. Jesus Christ, is that a body? That's Jimmy Hoffa! 3. The King *is* alive. 2. It is I, *System Administrator Man*! And the Number One Line heard during last night's earthquake: 1. Did you fart? -- Scott Turner -- From cplai@daisy.UUCP Mon Jan 23 05:30:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: cplai@daisy.UUCP (Chung-Pang Lai) Subject: Practice joke Keywords: sexual, smirk Date: 23 Jan 89 11:30:07 GMT Once upon a time, there was a village. The people in the village were extremely conservative. No one talked about sex. Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime. A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of people getting married. The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately: "I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life. But you are getting married soon, I don't want you to get hurt." "What is it? What is it? Let me know," the ignorant groom eagerly asked. The man first told him what sex was all about. And he said, "But ... , you have to be careful. Some women grow teeth in their 'private place'. Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to these ruthless jaws." "How should I find out? What should I do on the first night?" "Fear not, young man. Let me tell you what to do. Don't take any risks. On the first night, test her first with your knee." The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private: "You are getting married soon. I cannot resist warning you..." The bride also eagerly asked for advice. The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first night, then she said, "Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis. If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive." "Oh, please help me. What should I do?" The bride was scared. "Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night," she lied. "I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached." In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch darkness. Moments later, both screamed in horror. ... And they slept separately ever after. {ed Are teeth-in-vagina jokes becoming a new genre? I rejected several of them, but I thought I would try this. Don't send me yours.} -- From dwv@ihuxz.UUCP Tue Jan 24 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: dwv@ihuxz.UUCP Subject: A priest and his parrot Keywords: sexual, heard it, smirk Date: 24 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time, embarassing the owner to no end. Finally, He went to his parish preist and told him of his parrot problem. The priest repleid, "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says, 'Let up pray.' Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day." So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make Love." The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said, "my prayers have been answered." -- From jdd@db.toronto.edu Wed Jan 25 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: jdd@db.toronto.edu (John D. DiMarco) Subject: Margaret Thatcher joke Keywords: smirk Date: 25 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT Here's a joke my uncle told me: Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty. God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan. "Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?" "I tried to improve the US economy", replied Reagan, "and I did my best to benefit the nation." "Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand." And so Reagan sat at his right. God then called up Gorbachev. "Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?" "I tried to make Soviet society more open", replied Gorbachev, "and I did my best to improve the Soviet economy." "Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand." And so Gorbachev sat at his left. God then called up Thatcher. "Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?" "Only two things", replied Thatcher. "First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!" John -- From tr@djinn.bellcore.com Thu Jan 26 04:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: tr@djinn.bellcore.com (tom reingold) Subject: Duct Tape Keywords: sick, chuckle, rot13 Date: 26 Jan 89 10:30:05 GMT Jul qb lbh unir gb jenc qhpg gncr nebhaq n treovy? Fb gung vg qbrfa'g rkcybqr jura lbh fbqbzvmr vg. -- Tom Reingold -- From rsalz@pineapple.bbn.com Thu Jan 26 05:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: rsalz@pineapple.bbn.com (Rich Salz) Subject: Decline of the Romans Keywords: smirk Date: 26 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT >From Mark Brader's .signature: "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth -- From 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca Mon Jan 30 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: 16016_1127@uwovax.uwo.ca (John Palmer) Subject: The PLO Keywords: original, smirk Date: 30 Jan 89 11:30:04 GMT I have been subjected to the biases and special pleadings of the artsy-fartsy culture vultures long enough. They sneer at anything which isn't in their own mold (mould?) of avante-gardishness. They perpetuate stupid jokes by laughing at people who quite seriously say, "I may not know much about.... but I know what I like." It is time for the rest of us to revolt against this claptrap of self-indulgent behaviour which passes itself off as "the actualization of one's self potential," and which somehow has unfortunately [in Canuckland, at least] bedeviled enough politicians that fully 65.7% of our tax dollars go to supporting these alleged artistes through direct grants and purchases of junk that any sensible person would pay someone else to haul off to the municipal landfill site. It is time for a new organization to be formed to aid this revolution. To that end, I hereby announce the formation of The P.L.O. The Philistine Liberation Organization welcomes as new members anyone who supports this cause. The basic tenets of the PLO are divided into two general categories: things we like and things we don't like. An overall score of 80% qualifies you for membership. Things we like: 1. Montovani's music - great stuff, easy listening. 2. McDonald's burgers - great taste, fast service, ok price. 3. Vinyl instead of leather for gloves, clothing, upholstery, etc. - cheaper, requires less care, more durable. 4. Canadian wine - good high for the buck. 5. Shopping at K-mart - hey, they got some good stuff there, ya know. 6. Commodore 64s - good games and they're real computers, too. 7. Shopping Mall landscape art - ain't it amazing how real that stuff looks. 8. Barry Manilow's songs - they capture the true meaning of life. 9. Hockey Night in Canada, Monday Night ____ball, etc. - great entertainment. 10. "If I have to go to a 'concert', I hope they play some marches - you know, something I can hum along with and tap my feet to." Things we don't like: 1. Real flowers - they wilt and need care - plastic's much better. 2. BMW's, Mercedes, etc. - I'll take an Econoline any day. 3. Gourmet food - so little food, such bad tastes, such high prices! 4. 100% wool or cotton - they require too much and too costly care - give me polyester or acrylic any day. 5. Symphony orchestra concerts - especially playing 20th century music. 6. Real wood furniture - vinyl laminate is easier to care for and harder to damage. 7. Birkenstock Sandals - footware of the truly effete snobs. 8. "Serious" drama - hey, for $25 it had better make me laugh a lot. 9. Pictures that aren't pictures of anything. 10. "Cocktail" parties that serve only Perrier and vegetables. Want to join the P.L.O.? ok, you're probably already a member then. Want to add to the tenets? E-mail your suggestions to me, and I'll keep a list. -- -=John Palmer (519)-661-3533=- -- From brad@cs.utexas.edu Mon Jan 30 18:30:06 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: brad@cs.utexas.edu Subject: Don't talk that way to a mother.... Keywords: true, funny, sexual Date: 31 Jan 89 00:30:06 GMT On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity. The brother-in-law of a friend told me the first part of this story; my cousin told me the second. Both are now doctors, and both assured me that the stories are true. In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two orderlies who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis: "You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me." After making a similar comment, my cousin was informed by the patient, "You're not the first short-dick white boy to tell me that." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From ccj@raybed2.RAY.COM Tue Jan 31 02:20:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: ccj@raybed2.RAY.COM (CHRISTOPHER CHENEY) Subject: Dan Quayle again -- can't you folks get enough? Keywords: smirk, topical Date: 31 Jan 89 08:20:04 GMT (Heard this joke from a Mike Dukakis field worker.) What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? A Dan Quayle watch. -- From jem@latcs1.oz.au Tue Jan 31 05:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: jem@latcs1.oz.au (Joan McGalliard) Subject: New Punchline to old joke Keywords: computer, funny Date: 31 Jan 89 11:30:03 GMT Organization: Comp Sci, La Trobe Uni, Australia Q: What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The car salesman can probably drive! -- joan -- From rostamia@umbc3.UMBC.EDU Tue Jan 31 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: rostamia@umbc3.UMBC.EDU (Rouben Rostamian) Subject: Problems like these Keywords: rec_humor_cull, heard it, chuckle, swearing, sexual Date: 1 Feb 89 00:30:04 GMT Organization: Univ of Maryland Baltimore County Here is a joke from the March issue of Playboy: {ed But they didn't write it.} An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!" -- Rouben Rostamian Department of Mathematics University of Maryland Baltimore Counnty --