From alcmist@well.UUCP Mon Apr 3 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley) Subject: Only her hairdresser knows Keywords: sexual, chuckle Date: 3 Apr 89 23:30:04 GMT "Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black". The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers. "What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded. She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From argyriou@violet.berkeley.edu Tue Apr 4 05:30:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: argyriou@violet.berkeley.edu (Anthony Argyriou) Subject: racists Keywords: anti-racist, racial stereotypes, chuckle Date: 4 Apr 89 10:30:07 GMT What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism? A southern racist doesn't mind blacks living nearby, as long as they don't get "uppity" A northern racist doesn't mind blacks getting "uppity" as long as they don't live close. -- Anthony Argyriou (I can't remember where I read this, but it was not from a collection of jokes. I believe it was quoted in some sort of article on race relations in America, and is probably PD.) -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From ark@research.UUCP Wed Apr 5 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: ark@research.UUCP Subject: Election Day Keywords: chuckle Date: 5 Apr 89 10:30:04 GMT Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've done this today. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From icsg8014@CAESAR.CS.MONTANA.EDU Wed Apr 5 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: icsg8014@CAESAR.CS.MONTANA.EDU (Sam Patton) Subject: Making it home Keywords: sexual, sexual stereotypes, chuckle Date: 5 Apr 89 23:30:05 GMT A friend of mine told me this one. Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight. Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home", run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love woman". And she never even moves. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From mician@usfvax2.UUCP Thu Apr 6 05:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: mician@usfvax2.UUCP (Rudy Mician) Subject: Roto-Rooter Ad Keywords: true, chuckle Date: 6 Apr 89 10:30:03 GMT "A big black bird screamed Roto-Rooter" and away go troubles down the drain. The "Raving"...read and take heed. Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. While I nodded in the hushing, suddenly there came a rushing, as of someone slowly flushing water 'cross my chamber floor. Only this and nothing more. Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I sought to borrow plungers to relieve my sorrow, mops to dry the soggy floor. I slowed it down and nothing more. Ankle deep in water standing, long I stood there wheezing, panting, weeping, cursing curses no mortal ever cursed before. As the mess was slow subsiding, my thoughts were strong to go a-riding to dry my troubled clothes, perhaps to find a liquor store. I jumped astride my motor scotter, a big black bird screamed "Roto-Rooter"! "And away go troubles down the drain" -- Roto-Rooter. Quoth the raven: "Evermore." (c) 1979 Roto-Rooter -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From YUEN@janus.trl.oz.au Thu Apr 6 18:30:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: YUEN@janus.trl.oz.au (Gary Yuen) Subject: Journos! Keywords: national stereotypes, chuckle Date: 6 Apr 89 23:30:07 GMT Whilst on bush-walking trips, one hears many offensive jokes, and this one is no exception..... One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach. As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach. The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now, !" The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British." The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter." The next day, the headlines read, . -- Gary Yuen yuen@janus.trl.oz -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From langbein@topaz.rutgers.edu Fri Apr 7 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: langbein@topaz.rutgers.edu ( Fugitive) Subject: TV Evangalism: True Story Keywords: true, smirk Date: 7 Apr 89 10:30:04 GMT Organization: Gerbil Manor I feel before the joke I should mention a few things. First, I am a Christian. Second, I feel that It is wrong to ridicule Christ as a Christian. However, I feel that it is my duty to show people what kind of Charletons are out there. Through this true story you can see how a person who "Speaks with Authority" can make a joke out of a serious matter. It is OK to laugh at the antics, but please don't use this as a reason to condemn a whole religion. Feel free to mail me if you have any questions. I was watching TV one night when while flicking through the stations I came across a TV Evangelist. Now, being Christian, I decided to get a fulfilling and meaningful message which he would preach. Now, I have seen TV Evangelists before (I'll call them TVE) and some I enjoyed immensely such as Pat Robertson and Billy Graham. However, I asn't prepared for this man...... "You! Yes YOU can be blessed by the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY just by sending me a small contribution of only two thousand dollars! The LORD ... OH YES HE IS HERE The LORD... I hear him telling me... oh YES Lord that YES he wants You! Yes You! to GIVE ME Two THOUSAND Dollars to support my minestry! The LORD Will Return in one Hundred fold! Here is a True Story...." Some Woman: I turned on his show ondering how I would be able to make my house mayments. At that time he as asking for Two hundred. Then GOD told me to give because the price is going up very soon. I got the money I DON'T KNOW HOW for my payments. "Yes! ANOTHER GREEAT TESTIMONY! You know, WWWhen I first started, I was asking for 50 dollars a person. Then the LORD GOD ... Yes the LORD GOD HIMSELF! Came to ME Haleluia ! He Came to ME and said 'Don't ask for fifty anymore.' So I raised it to One Hundred. The the LORD ... the LORD asked me to not ask for One Hundred. So I asked for Two Hundred. Then He asked me to stop, and I raised it to Five Hundred, then One thousand.. NOW the Lord asked me to no longer ask for $1000. So now, as the LORD GOD has asked me Haleluiah! The LORD GOD asked me! I ask you for $2000!!! The Lord wants you to give it to me. If you do, I will send you this piece of cloth which I prayed with and has been annoited by the Holy Spirit! This Cloth is FILLED with the Holy Spirit. Pray with this cloth and you TOO can be filled with the Spirit >From this cloth! So Send NOW!" -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.