From SW.WERNER@MCC.COM Thu Apr 27 19:35:40 1989 Flags: 000000000201 Date: Fri, 17 Mar 89 05:31 PST From: Gumby@MCC.COM (David Vinayak Wallace) Subject: Hardened LispMs Date: Fri, 17 Mar 89 10:22:13+0900 From: kddlab!atr-la.atr.junet!myers@uunet.UU.NET (John K. Myers) There was a rumour about two years back that TI was starting work on a hardened Lisp Machine that would a) be about the size of an IBM-PC or smaller, and b) be designed to operate in helicopters, tanks, etc. Is MCC trying to do this kind of thing too? Does anyone know whether this project actually got started, and what its current status is? MCC has been contracted by and has delivered to SDIO a "hardened" lisp machine for phase I of SDI. That is, able to withstand 30ATM overpressure, immersion to 600 meters, EMP, and cafeteria food. The hardened machine, sufficient for running any existing lisp application comes with 500K words of memory, a 30-key keyboard, and 7-segment display, selling for $186,000 each (qty 50). An optional flame-retardent mouse is an additional $30,000. We have submitted a bid for phase II, which we think can be accomplished by 1995. Phase II involves re-entry against hardened targets, high resistance to religious zealots and connectionism, and low radar and congressional profile. Projected cost: $1.2M/qty 50. Please do not reveal this information to non-US citizens. ------- From wall@tilde.ti.com Mon May 1 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request From: wall@tilde.ti.com (Raj Wall) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Leadership .vs. Management Keywords: smirk Message-ID: <3175@looking.UUCP> Date: 1 May 89 23:30:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 14 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: ti-csl!tilde.ti.com!wall When Noah heard the weather forecast he ordered the building of the ark. --- that was Leadership Then he looked around and said, "Make sure the elephants don't see what the rabbits are up to." --- that was Management -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu Tue May 2 02:20:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: sauder@aplcen.apl.jhu.edu (Sauder Clyde 301-688-7908) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: suicide is painless Keywords: topical, rec_humor_cull, smirk Message-ID: <3177@looking.UUCP> Date: 2 May 89 07:20:07 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 8 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: aplcen.apl.jhu.edu!sauder Did you hear that Abbie Hoffman has gone underground again? -- Jeff Sauder -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From miller@pixel.cps.msu.edu Tue May 2 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request From: miller@pixel.cps.msu.edu (Joe Miller) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: "No New Taxes"... Keywords: chuckle, original Message-ID: <3178@looking.UUCP> Date: 2 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 26 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!pixel.cps.msu.edu!miller In our image processing lab we recently had a chance to digitize and then re-view some of the Presidential campaign speeches. Of particular interest was George Bush's famous "Read my lips, No New Taxes" speech. We hired a speech specialist and showed the tape to her over and over several times. Not only was the tape played back slowly, but we performed a zoom operation on the (now) President's face. As she read his face for clues, it became painfully obvious to her that George Bush was saying -- "Read my lips, No Nude Taxes". With this subjective information, we called the White House for an explanation. Reluctantly the White House Staff admitted that yes, that was correct - "The President planned to clothe new taxes as user fees". -- Joe Miller PRIP Lab Michigan State University -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From potoole@maths.tcd.ie Tue May 2 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request From: potoole@maths.tcd.ie Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Condoms Keywords: sexual, chuckle Message-ID: <3182@looking.UUCP> Date: 2 May 89 23:30:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 30 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!mcvax!maths.tcd.ie!potoole One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says: "CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED." He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges. "Do you work here?",he asks. "Yes",she replied. "And is the statement ao the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes." "Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?" "I do," said the lady. "Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes." -- Peter O'Toole Trinity College Dublin. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From john@sequent.UUCP Thu May 4 02:20:06 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!purdue!decwrl!decvax!watmath!looking!funny-request From: john@sequent.UUCP (John Vander Borght) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Minimum Wage and the President (as heard on NPR) Keywords: topical, chuckle Message-ID: <3191@looking.UUCP> Date: 4 May 89 07:20:06 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 14 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP I heard this on National Public Radio this morning: A letter from a listener, in regards to a story about the minimum wage proposals said: "George Bush should be paid the $4.25/hour minimum wage he proposes and Dan Quayle should get the lower training wage." -- John Vander Borght, System Analyst -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From lipson2@husc4.UUCP Thu May 4 05:30:09 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: lipson2@husc4.UUCP (Nathan Lipson) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Daily News of Tanzania Keywords: true, chuckle Message-ID: <3193@looking.UUCP> Date: 4 May 89 10:30:09 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 18 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: linus!xait!harvard!husc4!lipson2 Speaking for the whole company, Mr. Sizya Lubuva of Kinondomi, Dar es Salaam, said: "A number of us were having a conference about the future of the village as a tourist center when Mr. Nuugu Tabara said he would climb up the palm under which we were sitting to get some coconut milk for us. No sooner had he climbed the tree, than he was attacked by a huge Indian crow and fell down onto the roof of Mr. Malinjoo's Ford Fiesta. There is no truth to the suggestion that we were boozing away our time on komoni, although I agree coconut milk is one its ingredients. Everyone knows how dangerous those crows are. They will snatch food off your plate, and last week they stole three bedsheets and a loudspeaker from my sister's house." -- Daily News (Tanzania), February 24, 1989 -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From brendan@jolnet.ORPK.IL.US Thu May 4 18:30:06 1989 Flags: 000000000001 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!carpet!looking!funny-request From: brendan@jolnet.ORPK.IL.US (Brendan Kehoe) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: True Intelligence Keywords: heard it, funny Message-ID: <3196@looking.UUCP> Date: 4 May 89 23:30:06 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 42 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: cs.utexas.edu!texbell!killer!jolnet!brendan This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man. "What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know" said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me." "Well no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That" (pulls lower eyelid down) "means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh" said the man not quite satisfied. He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!!" At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his lower eyelid. -- Brendan Kehoe -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From stuart@rassilon.UUCP Fri May 5 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: stuart@rassilon.UUCP (Stuart Freedman {x3262}) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: pharmacist Keywords: heard it, funny, sexual Message-ID: <3198@looking.UUCP> Date: 5 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 39 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!gatech!mit-eddie!ileaf!io!rassilon!stuart (From: Greg Ryding) Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of '42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says, "What's wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you wanna go to bed with each other. Why can't ya save sex for when ya get married. You should wait until you're married! Sex before marriage is a sin ya know." Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that his generation was a little different. He said that he and his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the condoms. That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend Katey's house for dinner with the family. When they all sat down, Tom asked Katey's father if he could say grace. Her father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the President for the meal they were about to eat. After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said, "Tom, you never told me you were so religious!" Tom smiled back and said, "Well, Katey, you never told me you father was a pharmacist." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. From ag3@mentor.cc.purdue.edu Sat May 6 02:20:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!unmvax!ncar!mailrus!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request From: ag3@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Rodney Mood) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: I wish it were a joke Keywords: topical, true, chuckle Message-ID: <3200@looking.UUCP> Date: 6 May 89 07:20:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 25 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: rutgers!mentor.cc.purdue.edu!ag3 According to _The_Providence_Journal_, Claudine Schneider, a lawmaker from Rhode Island, mentioned to Dan Quayle during a conversation that she spoke fluent French. Quayle was very impressed by her language skills and replied by saying, "I was recently on tour of Latin America and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." All us Hoosiers down heer are reel prowd of good 'ol Danforth !-) Of course, Central and Latin America are the pinnacle of brilliance in U.S. foreign policy. After Reagan returned >From *his* visit, he noted: "You'd be surprised. They're all independent little countries down there!" -- God Save Us, Rodney Mood mentor.cc.purdue.edu!ag3 -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke." From len@csd4.milw.wisc.edu Sun May 7 02:20:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: len@csd4.milw.wisc.edu (Leonard P Levine) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Dangerous Waters Keywords: topical, pun, smirk Message-ID: <3205@looking.UUCP> Date: 7 May 89 07:20:07 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 8 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: mailrus!ames!uwvax!uwmcsd1!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!len What is the difference between a waltz and gunnery practice on a modern battleship? A waltz is a navel engagement without loss of semen. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From cphoenix@csli.Stanford.EDU Sun May 7 05:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: cphoenix@csli.Stanford.EDU (Chris Phoenix) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Police stupidity Keywords: smirk, sick Message-ID: <3207@looking.UUCP> Date: 7 May 89 10:30:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 13 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!csli.Stanford.EDU!cphoenix Heard from a friend whose friend "actually" saw it happen. There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around. A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were. He was having some trouble spelling: "Torso, in ditch. t-o-r...s-o, in d-i-c-no, t-c-h. Head, in avenue. h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i...a-v-e... d-i-t-c-h. -- Chris Phoenix -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu Sun May 7 18:30:06 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: gmw1@cunixd.cc.columbia.edu (Gabe M Wiener) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Londoners' work ethic Keywords: true, smirk Message-ID: <3208@looking.UUCP> Date: 7 May 89 23:30:06 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 26 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!cunixd.cc.columbia.edu!gmw1 When I was in London several months ago, I was staying in a hotel that is well known for its great service. Anyway, we got back from the theater one night at around 12:30 AM, and we decided to call for a little tea and apple pie. So anyay, we phoned down for it, and an hour passed and it still had not come. I phoned down again and asked when the apple pie might be here. The response was: "Oh, we beg your pardon sir, it's just leaving the kitchen now. It should be up to your room momentarily." To that, I asked, "But I ordered it an hour ago. What took so long? What were you doing, baking it?" "Yes, sir." I put the phone down. ---- Gabe Wiener -- Columbia University -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From greg@june.cs.washington.edu Mon May 8 02:20:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!husc6!bloom-beacon!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!decwrl!decvax!watmath!looking!funny-request From: greg@june.cs.washington.edu (Greg Barnes) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Exxon attacked Keywords: topical, smirk Message-ID: <3210@looking.UUCP> Date: 8 May 89 07:20:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 20 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: june.cs.washington.edu!greg [Background: Stephen Rice, a Seattle man, is charged with shooting at the windows of a local Exxon station. Jonathan Love is the prosecutor for the case] (From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, page B1, Wednesday, April 19th:) Love requested bail be set at $5000 pending arraignment tomorrow and expressed concerns about the release of Rice. "The defendant stated he would continue to shoot at Exxon stations until they did something in Alaska about the oil spill," Love told the court. "At the rate Exxon is progressing, it is best that Mr. Rice remain in jail." -- Greg Barnes greg@cs.washington.edu -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From psrc@pegasus.UUCP Mon May 8 05:30:06 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: psrc@pegasus.UUCP Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: in crashes, casualties are always the first truths? Keywords: chuckle, generic ethnic stereotype Message-ID: <3212@looking.UUCP> Date: 8 May 89 10:30:06 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 10 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: att!pegasus!psrc A JEDR jetliner exploded just after takeoff, and crashed into a cemetery. So far, they've found four thousand bodies, and they're still digging. -- Paul S. R. Chisholm, psrc@pegasus.att.com, att!pegasus!psrc -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From smithda@cpsvax.cps.msu.edu Mon May 8 18:30:06 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: smithda@cpsvax.cps.msu.edu (J. Daniel Smith) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Still more East Block Humor (East Germany) Keywords: funny Message-ID: <3214@looking.UUCP> Date: 8 May 89 23:30:06 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 30 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!cpsvax.cps.msu.edu!smithda I heard this one a few years ago in East Germany..... Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of of celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child repiles, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!". Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From sidhu@bnlux0.bnl.gov Tue May 9 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: sidhu@bnlux0.bnl.gov (Satinder S. Sidhu) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: A lesson in Government Keywords: chuckle Message-ID: <3223@looking.UUCP> Date: 9 May 89 23:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 15 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!bnlux0.bnl.gov!sidhu I heard the following many years ago from a friend who heard it in person at a public lecture by the famous C. Northcote Parkinson at the Indian Institute of Technology, Madras. Since this is second-hand (and from memory), it may not be an exact quote but is close enough. The original delivery almost brought the house down, as the cliche' goes. Government's handling of a difficult matter by appointing a Commission of Enquiry is just like a person going to the toilet -- there is a sitting, a report, and then the matter is dropped! -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From psrc@pegasus.UUCP Wed May 10 02:20:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: psrc@pegasus.UUCP Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: old cold fusion? Keywords: topical, chuckle, true Message-ID: <3227@looking.UUCP> Date: 10 May 89 07:20:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 19 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: att!pegasus!psrc (alt.fusion cull, apparently true) (This is a rumor that's making the rounds in the Netnews alt.fusion discussion; I refer Netnews readers there for more information.) There's a rumor that a Swedish chemist, back in 1926, submitted a patent application for a technique of using palladium to turn hydrogen into helium (essentially, the same setup that's behind the recent "fusion in a jar" excitement). There's another rumor that he gave up, because the technique generated too much heat! -- Paul S. R. Chisholm, AT&T Bell Laboratories -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From rostamia@umbc3.umbc.edu Wed May 10 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request From: rostamia@umbc3.umbc.edu (Rouben Rostamian) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: It's not the meat Keywords: rec_humor_cull, funny, sexual Message-ID: <3228@looking.UUCP> Date: 10 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 29 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!umbc3.umbc.edu!rostamia (Source: Playboy Magazine) A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did _you_ make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." -- Rouben Rostamian -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From amos@taux01.UUCP Sun May 14 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!husc6!mailrus!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request From: amos@taux01.UUCP Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Told in the USSR Again Keywords: smirk Message-ID: <3247@looking.UUCP> Date: 14 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Organization: National Semiconductor (IC) Ltd, Israel Home of the 32532 Lines: 15 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: pyramid!nsc.nsc.com!nsc.com!taux01!amos SInce we're into USSR jokes: Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!" -- Amos Shapir -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From grazier@newton.physics.purdue.edu Sun May 14 18:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: grazier@newton.physics.purdue.edu (Kevin R. Grazier) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Memorial Day Keywords: funny Message-ID: <3249@looking.UUCP> Date: 14 May 89 23:30:03 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 13 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: rutgers!newton.physics.purdue.edu!grazier As told to me by a friend in the British Army: A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!" -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From steven@uts.amdahl.com Mon May 15 05:30:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: steven@uts.amdahl.com (Fearless Leader) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: alphabet soup Keywords: smirk, heard it, proctological Message-ID: <3256@looking.UUCP> Date: 15 May 89 10:30:07 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 40 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!mailrus!ames!amdahl!steven (Cannot remember the origin, but this was my 'favorite' tasteless joke to tell for many years) Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The muts does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'" -- / Steven Swinkels //-- -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From zeke@cs.sfu.ca Mon May 15 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: zeke@cs.sfu.ca (Zeke Hoskin) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: oldie but coldie Keywords: sexual, chuckle Message-ID: <3260@looking.UUCP> Date: 15 May 89 23:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 27 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: ubc-cs!cs.sfu.ca!zeke (This was current 25 years ago in Montreal.) One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait." "But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now." "Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs." "Listen, I'm pretty desparate. I don't need a room." So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks. "Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!" "I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From sohrt@wasatch.UUCP Tue May 16 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: sohrt@wasatch.UUCP (Wolfgang Sohrt) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Another Eng/Phys/Math Keywords: chuckle, science Message-ID: <3263@looking.UUCP> Date: 16 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 17 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!mailrus!wasatch!sohrt An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From witting@topaz.rutgers.edu Wed May 17 05:30:08 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: witting@topaz.rutgers.edu (Paul K Willing) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: In the Family Way Keywords: heard it, chuckle, offense=Alabamans, sexual Message-ID: <3327@looking.UUCP> Date: 17 May 89 10:30:08 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J. Lines: 18 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: rutgers!topaz.rutgers.edu!witting In a small Alabama town, almost everybody was excited about the wedding that was comming up, but at the last moment, the groom called off the wedding. A puzzled drifter wanted to know why. PD: "Why did you call off the wedding so suddenly?" Former groom: "I just found out last night that she's a virgin!" Even more PD: "But why is that so bad?" FG father, leaping to his son's defense: "Hell, if she's not good enough for her own kin, she ain't good enough for my son!" -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 30% of the replies bounce. From gwills@maths.tcd.ie Thu May 18 02:20:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request From: gwills@maths.tcd.ie Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Cold_fusion Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual Message-ID: <3333@looking.UUCP> Date: 18 May 89 07:20:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 13 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!ukc!maths.tcd.ie!gwills Seen on the letter's page of the "Irish Times" Dear Sir, Sex is the best form of fusion at room temperature, yrs, etc. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From karenm@sybase.UUCP Thu May 18 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: karenm@sybase.UUCP (Karen McGeer) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: anonymous taxpayer poetry Keywords: topical, smirk Message-ID: <3334@looking.UUCP> Date: 18 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 23 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: allegra!ucbvax!mtxinu!sybase!karenm This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989. The poet is anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent to the IRS is classified as confidential". -Karen I think that I shall never see a tax form plain e-nough for me. A form that I can understand without a lawyer near at hand to guide this poor benighted me so I won't owe a pen-al-ty. A form that I will not detest or take as more than awful jest. A form with pages I can read and fill out ea-si-ly with speed. Such forms weren't made for fools like me Nor even God, who made a tree. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait. From SW.WERNER@MCC.COM Sat May 20 17:01:05 1989 Flags: 000000000201 Date: Thu, 4 May 89 09:45 CDT From: Jim Milstein Subject: Science Lite To: hi-people@MCC.COM Message-Id: <19890504144530.6.MILSTEIN@OX.ACA.MCC.COM> SCIENTIST DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT - ADMINISTRATIUM The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by University physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium (AD), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called memos. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is present. According to one of the discoverers of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less than a second take over four days. Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the vice-neutrons exchange place. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization. Administratium was discovered by accident when a researcher angrily resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his papers in the intake hatch of the University's particle accelerator. "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with the particles in the accelerator created the new element." an unnamed source explained. Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist, Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses, and in large corporation and government centers, near the best-appointed and best-maintained building. From mlf@genrad.com Sun May 21 02:20:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: mlf@genrad.com (Matt Fichtenbaum) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics Subject: The Fusion Jokes just keep on coming. Keywords: original, topical, funny, offense=Utah Message-ID: <3350@looking.UUCP> Date: 21 May 89 07:20:07 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 11 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: inebriae!texbell!cs.utexas.edu!genrad.com!somewhere!mlf The structure of the deuterium (heavy hydrogen) nucleus can be described as "a proton married to two neutrons." Maybe that's why the fusion experiments only work in Utah. -- Matt Fichtenbaum -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From brent@uwovax.uwo.ca Sun May 21 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cadillac!pp!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: brent@uwovax.uwo.ca (Brent Sterner (UWO CCS)) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Moses ... good and bad news Keywords: heard it, smirk Message-ID: <3351@looking.UUCP> Date: 21 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 15 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: julian!uwovax.uwo.ca!brent The following was told at dinner yesterday. I have no idea of the origin. Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people: "The good news is we got them down to ten." "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them." -- Brent Sterner -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From jap@cbnews.ATT.COM Mon May 22 02:20:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!mailrus!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request From: jap@cbnews.ATT.COM (James A. Parker) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics Subject: Good News, Bad News Keywords: original, topical, funny Message-ID: <3357@looking.UUCP> Date: 22 May 89 07:20:07 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 14 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: att!cbnews!jap [The following is, as far as I can tell, original with me.] There's good news and bad news on the investigation of the nuclear missile dropped overboard near Japan: The good news is that the U.S. Navy is going to scan for signs of excess radiation. The bad news is that they've hired Fleischmann and Pons to do the testing. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From BRYAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu Mon May 22 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: BRYAN@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: One of the first "Ollie goes to jail" jokes Keywords: chuckle, singer stereotypes Message-ID: <3360@looking.UUCP> Date: 22 May 89 23:30:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 15 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!kuhub.cc.ukans.edu!BRYAN The words that Oliver North dreads hearing: "Yo! Bring that white boy over here! The Godfather of Soul got somethin' for him!" -Bryan PS - I'm starting a punk group called "I Killed Lucy." Can anyone out there play bongos and rhythm guitar? -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From pt@geovision.UUCP Tue May 23 02:20:09 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: pt@geovision.UUCP (Paul Tomblin) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Marcos Keywords: sick, funny, topical Message-ID: <3362@looking.UUCP> Date: 23 May 89 07:20:09 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 11 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: gpu.utcs.toronto.edu!utzoo!dciem!nrcaer!cognos!geovision!pt I can't understand why Corey Aquino won't allow Ferdinand Marcos back into the country to die. ..After all, he let her husband come back into the country to die. -- Paul Tomblin -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From mjansen@cs.vu.nl Tue May 23 05:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: mjansen@cs.vu.nl (Marten Jansen) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Give the baby a bath Keywords: smirk Message-ID: <3363@looking.UUCP> Date: 23 May 89 10:30:03 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 17 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!cs.vu.nl!mjansen It's the first time that father is giving baby Jan a bath. After a while mother hears baby Jan crying and screaming. She goes to the bathroom and sees that father is dragging baby Jan through the water with his ears! "What are you doing," asked mother to father, "you are holding him by his ears!" "Do you want me to burn my hands," replied father .... -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From gregj@microsoft.UUCP Wed May 24 01:28:15 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!purdue!decwrl!decvax!watmath!looking!funny-request From: gregj@microsoft.UUCP Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Field Replacable Mouse Balls Keywords: computer, chuckle, true Message-ID: <3367@looking.UUCP> Date: 24 May 89 06:28:15 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 53 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP {ed Yikes. 12 people have submitted this one. STOP IT!!!} ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP Record number: H031944 Device: D/T8550 Model: M Hit count: UHC00000 Success count: USC00000 Publication code: PC50 Tip key: 025 Date created: O89/02/14 Date last altered: A89/02/15 Owning B.U.: USA Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacable Unit) TEXT: MOUSE BALLS ARE NOW AVAILABLE AS A FRU. IF A MOUSE FAILS TO OPERATE,OR SHOULD PERFORM ERRATICALLY,IT MAY BE IN NEED OF BALL REPLACEMENT.BECAUSE OF THE DELICATE NATURE OF THIS PROCEDURE,REPLACEMENT OF MOUSE BALLS SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY TRAINED PERSONNEL ONLY. BEFORE ORDERING,DETERMINE TYPE OF MOUSE BALLS REQUIRED BY EXAMINING THE UNDERSIDE OF EACH MOUSE.DOMESTIC BALLS WILL BE LARGER AND HARDER THAN FOREIGN BALLS. BALL REMOVAL PROCEDURES DIFFER,DEPENDING UPON MANUFACTURER OF THE MOUSE. FOREIGN BALLS CAN BE REPLACED USING THE POP-OFF METHOD, AND DOMESTIC BALLS REPLACED USING THE TWIST-OFF METHOD. MOUSE BALLS ARE NOT USUALLY STATIC SENSITIVE,HOWEVER,EXCESSIVE HANDLING CAN RESULT IN SUDDEN DISCHARGE. UPON COMPLETION OF BALL REPLACEMENT,THE MOUSE MAY BE USED IMMEDIATELY. IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT EACH SERVICER HAVE A PAIR OF BALLS FOR MAINTAINING OPTIMUM CUSTOMER SATISFACTION,AND THAT ANY CUSTOMER MISSING HIS BALLS SHOULD SUSPECT LOCAL PERSONNEL OF REMOVING THESE NECESSARY FUNCTIONAL ITEMS. P/N33F8462 -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS -------------------------------------------------------------------- [This came out of an IBM service database. Of course it's referring to the rubber ball inside a computer mouse...] -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. From blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com Wed May 24 02:20:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!purdue!iuvax!watmath!looking!funny-request From: blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com (Emmett Black) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny,sci.physics Subject: Cold Nuclear FUSION; another confirmation Keywords: chuckle, topical Message-ID: <3368@looking.UUCP> Date: 24 May 89 07:20:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 16 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP A "classified government laboratory" in Great Britain has allegedly reported successful replication of of the "Fleischmann Cold Fusion Effect" (note they didn't mention Pons), with some subtile difference in technique. The principal difference appears to be that the electrolytes were "shaken, not stirred." -- Emmett (J.E.Black); GE Research -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. From mark@sickkids.toronto.edu Wed May 24 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: mark@sickkids.toronto.edu Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: A Jury of his Peers Keywords: chuckle, true Message-ID: <3372@looking.UUCP> Date: 24 May 89 23:30:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 24 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!utzoo!sickkids!mark The Toronto Star has a weekly column by an attorney, consisting of humorous excerpts from court transcripts. The following appeared a few weeks ago: In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows. The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor of the barn. Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!" --- Mark Bartelt Hospital for Sick Children, Toronto -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. From artm%phred%seahcx%entropy.ms.washington.edu%uw-beaver%rochester%ames.uucp@mailrus.cc.umich.edu Thu May 25 02:20:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!ssbn!looking!funny-request From: artm%phred%seahcx%entropy.ms.washington.edu%uw-beaver%rochester%ames.uucp@mailrus.cc.umich.edu (Curmudgeon) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Catastrophic Spill Keywords: topical, chuckle Message-ID: <3373@looking.UUCP> Date: 25 May 89 07:20:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Organization: Physio-Control Corp., Seattle, WA Lines: 48 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP I got this from a neighbor who works for a fish packing company... NEWS BULLETIN!!! Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex. Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the state-of-the-art fish truck when the trusk struck the clearly-marked building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had thewheel at the time of the accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources suggest he has a history of drug abuse. The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard right". The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that thjey ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish. When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable to be dispatched to the scene. On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all species. Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to Washington, DC. -- Art Marriott Physio-Control -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to topical@looking.UUCP From wsmith@m.cs.uiuc.edu Thu May 25 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: wsmith@m.cs.uiuc.edu (Bill Smith) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: The TJ Solution Keywords: sexual, smirk Message-ID: <3380@looking.UUCP> Date: 25 May 89 23:30:05 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 19 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: m.cs.uiuc.edu!wsmith A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away. Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said "I've got a headache." He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine." He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to topical@looking.UUCP From tmm@apollo.UUCP Fri May 26 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: tmm@apollo.UUCP Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: For all you landlubbers out there Keywords: smirk, heard it Message-ID: <3381@looking.UUCP> Date: 26 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 33 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: neat.ai.toronto.edu!gatech!mit-eddie!apollo!tmm Here's one people can tell to their grandmothers: Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envolope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envolope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envolope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: ``Port Left Starboard Right'' -- Tom Mistretta -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. From c60c-3ds%WEB.Berkeley.EDU@lilac.berkeley.edu Sun May 28 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: c60c-3ds%WEB.Berkeley.EDU@lilac.berkeley.edu Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Zen and the Art of Bicycle Riding Keywords: funny Message-ID: <3383@looking.UUCP> Date: 28 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 35 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: uunet!lilac.berkeley.edu!c60c-3ds%WEB.Berkeley.EDU Taken from the May/June 1989 Utne Reader, which took this from Shawn Gosieski, New Cyclist, Fall 1988. (and it has come in from other sources -ed) A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market, riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastary and had dis- mounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?" The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over like I do." The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world." The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third stu- dent, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel." The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming." The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said, "I am your student!" -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From gadbois@sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu Mon May 29 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: gadbois@sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu (David Gadbois) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Yet another East German joke Keywords: smirk Message-ID: <3396@looking.UUCP> Date: 29 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.UUCP Lines: 24 Approved: funny@looking.UUCP Reply-Path: sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu!gadbois (J. Daniel Smith's East German joke the other day reminded of this one. Bill Fason told it to me a few years ago. --DG) One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you." -- David Gadbois (gadbois@sygmund.cgs.utexas.edu) -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From @MCC.COM:werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu Mon May 29 19:55:20 1989 Flags: 000000000201 Date: Mon, 29 May 1989 19:49:39 CDT From: Werner Uhrig To: humourous-friends@rascal.ics.utexas.edu Subject: what the backbone is chuckling about these days .... I wonder if "temporary insanity" is a valid defense for a computer; or, maybe: "a virus made me do it" ... ?!! To: Subject: Those crazy soviets... Date: Mon, 29 May 89 12:51:20 EST From: I had misplaced the paper this was in and thought I'd lost it. I just now found it and thought the following article would be of interest. I's from the 14 March 1989 issue of "Weekly World News" -- one of those supermarket tabloids. Computer Charged with Murder After Frying Chess Champ by Ragan Dunn A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder of chess champion Nikolai Gudkov -- who was electorcuted when he touched the metal board that he and the machine were playing on! "This was no accident -- it was cold-blooded murder," Soviet police investigator Alexei Shainev told reporters in Moscow. "Niko Gudkov won three straight games and the computer couldn't stand it. When the chess master reached for his knight to begin play in the fourth game, the computer sent a lethal surge of electricity to the board surface. The computer had been programmed to move its chess pieces by producing a low-level electric current. "Gudkov was electrocuted while a gallery of hundreds watched." The decision to put the computer on trial stunned legal experts around the world. [I hope computer experts are also shocked, so to speak. --spaf] But the Soviets are convinced that the computer had the pride and intelligence to develop a hatred for Gudkov -- and the motive and means to kill him. The mind-boggling murder drama unfolded during a six-day chess marathon between the M2-11 supercomputer and Gudkov, a world class chess player. According to reports, Gudkov defied all odds [Calculated by the same supercomputer, no doubt. --spaf] and beat the machine in three consecutive games. And when they prepared to begin their forth, a deadly dose of electricity flowed up into the electronic board and zapped Gudkov dead. Soviet authorities initially thought that the surge of electricity was caused by a short-circuit. But an examination of the computer revealed no problems. It was later determined that the machine diverted the flow of electricity from its brain to the chess board to ensure a victory over Gudkov. [This implies that Soviet semiconductors work at voltages of a few hundred volts, or maybe their supercomputers are tube-based? --spaf] "The computer was programmed to win at chess and when it couldn't do that legitimately, it killed its opponent," said investigator Shalnev. "It might sound ridiculous to bring a machine to trial for murder. [!!] But a machine that can solve problems and think [sic] faster than any human must be held accountable for its actions." Rudi Hagemann, the Swiss legal scholar, agreed with the Soviet cop. He said that the development of artificial intelligence has come so far in recent years that certain computers and some robots "must be considered human." It isn't clear how the Soviets will punish the computer if it is found guilty when it goes to court this spring. [Send it to a Gulag for reprogramming? --spaf] But Hagermann says the machine will probably be reprogrammed or dismantled altogether. ****** I don't think there's much to say here, except in the way of warning: next time you accuse the system of cheating at rogue, don't say it too loudly! From tsang@cory.Berkeley.EDU Tue May 30 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request From: tsang@cory.Berkeley.EDU (Donald Tsang) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: The Eighteen Bottles Keywords: chuckle Message-ID: <3403@looking.on.ca> Date: 30 May 89 10:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.on.ca Lines: 39 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Reply-Path: cory.Berkeley.EDU!tsang My dad found this on a bulletin board at work many years ago. My sister recently found a copy hiding in some old school stuff she was throwing out. A good challenge is to try to read the entire piece aloud without laughing. Neither I nor my sister can do it. The Eighteen Bottles I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and pured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the thrid bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twent-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. -- Author unknown -- Donald Tsang -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From john%hpdsla@hp-sde.sde.hp.com Tue May 30 18:30:08 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!decwrl!sun-barr!texsun!texbell!inebriae!think!bloom-beacon!watmath!looking!funny-request From: john%hpdsla@hp-sde.sde.hp.com (John Fereira) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: This joke Quacks me up Keywords: meta-joke, chuckle, sexual? Message-ID: <3406@looking.on.ca> Date: 30 May 89 23:30:08 GMT Sender: funny@looking.on.ca Lines: 18 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Reply-Path: hp-sde.sde.hp.com!john%hpdsla A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help you?". The duck relplies, "Yes, I would like a box of condoms". "Why certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would you like me to put it on your bill?". The duck answers, "What kind of duck do you think I am?" -- QUACK QUACK John Fereira -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From watrous@aramis.rutgers.edu Wed May 31 02:20:08 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!rutgers!jarvis.csri.toronto.edu!utgpu!watmath!looking!funny-request From: watrous@aramis.rutgers.edu Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Elvis and Wright Keywords: topical, smirk Message-ID: <3408@looking.on.ca> Date: 31 May 89 07:20:08 GMT Sender: funny@looking.on.ca Lines: 11 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Reply-Path: rutgers!aramis.rutgers.edu!watrous Heard on Rush Limbaugh(sp?): Q: What's the difference between Elvis and Jim Wright? A: Everyone knows Wright is dead... -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.