From kra@hpcndaw.cnd.hp.com Thu Aug 3 23:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: kra@hpcndaw.cnd.hp.com Subject: On "reserve" with an airline Keywords: true, chuckle, mildly sexual Date: 3 Aug 89 23:30:03 GMT Reported as a true story: When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing or missing an assigned trip. This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an assignment. When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M. departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's someone calling for your husband." Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period. -- >From the book "Cabin Pressure" by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press Reproduced with permission of the authors. All typos and any inaccuracies are the fault of the submitter, not Harwell and Spiro. Katherine Albitz k_albitz%hpcnd@hplabs.hp.com From gal@atux01.UUCP Wed Aug 9 05:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: gal@atux01.UUCP Subject: All about Baseball Keywords: heard it, chuckle Date: 9 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT BASEBALL (as explained to a foreign visitor) You have two sides one out in the field and one in. Each man that's not on the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When three men are out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When both sides have been in and out nine times including the not outs That's the end of the game! -- gary levine -- From mph@praxis.UUCP Wed Aug 9 18:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: mph@praxis.UUCP (Martin Hanley) Subject: There were these two dogs... Keywords: smirk, sexual Date: 9 Aug 89 23:30:05 GMT There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. "What are you here for?" he asks. "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off." "I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?" "Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to be... you know... I'm going to have the *operation*..." "Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog. Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. "Go on, tell me. Please..." "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog. "Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then." "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" -- Martin Hanley (mph@praxis.co.uk) Administrative note: "All about Baseball" is reportedly just a slightly modified version of an original piece about Cricket, from the Marybourne Cricket Club From wang@brauer.harvard.edu Sun Aug 13 02:20:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: wang@brauer.harvard.edu (Yang Wang) Subject: Poor old Dan Again Keywords: topical, smirk Date: 13 Aug 89 07:20:04 GMT The White House is allegedly sending Dan Quayle to People's Republic of China to find out who is really in charge. Asked whether in the current reign of terror it might be unsafe for our beloved VP to go, John Sununu, the White House Chief of Staff, answered : 'Oh no no, in China they only persecute intellectuals'. From stuart@rassilon.UUCP Sun Aug 13 05:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: stuart@rassilon.UUCP (Stuart Freedman {x3262}) Subject: fishing again... Keywords: swearing, chuckle Date: 13 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT From: Ken Ericson Here's an old one but it compliments the religious one you forward. God Damn Fish One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said: "Wow, what a god damn fish"! The Sister said: "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm a nun." And the man said: "But that's the name of it, a god damn fish." So the Sister took the fish back to the rectory, and said: "Mother Superior, look at the god damn fish I caught." The Mother Superior said: "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that," ..and the Sister said: "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it, a god damn fish." So the Mother Superior said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll clean it". While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said: "Monsignor, look at the god damn fish that the sister caught". The Monsignor said: "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that", and the Mother Superior said: "but that's the name of it, a god damn fish". So the Monsignor said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll cook it". That evening, at supper, there was a new priest at the table, and he said: "Wow, what a nice fish," ...and the Sister said "I caught the god damn fish," ...and Mother Superior said "I cleaned the god damn fish," ...and the Monsignor said, "I cooked the god damn fish." And the new priest said "I like this fucking place already"! From rubik%bucsb.BU.EDU@bu-it.bu.edu Sun Aug 13 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: rubik%bucsb.BU.EDU@bu-it.bu.edu (vadim maystrovsky) Subject: Boomerang's tough luck Keywords: chuckle Date: 13 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all in blood and crying. His neighbor is passing by. "What's wrong?" the neighbor asks. "I bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered. "So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again. "I cannot throw away the old one..." From swfc@read.cs.columbia.edu Mon Aug 14 02:20:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: swfc@read.cs.columbia.edu (Shu-Wie F Chen) Subject: The Flag Takes A Licking Keywords: topical, chuckle Date: 14 Aug 89 07:20:05 GMT New York Times, August 8, 1989, Letter to the Editor, by Ruth L. Kaplan: The other day I bought a roll of 25 cent postage stamps. I have not had a moment's peace since. For, upon unfurling this roll, I discovered that every one of the 100 stamps bears the unmistakable likeness of the American flag. To appreciate my consternation, consider what is in store for these stamps. First, I must lick the flag-- er, stamp. Then I will drop it into a dark box, where it may well be bruised, possibly even torn. Next, the stamp/flag will go to the Post Office, where an inexorable machine will stomp on it, defiling it with ugly lines in order to "cancel" it. "Cancel" our inviolable flag? But wait. The horrors mount. In time, the stamp will reach the addressee, who may rip it, eagerly opening the envelope. Ultimately, the flag stamp-- licked, cancelled, defaced, ripped-- will be consigned to the trash, doomed to decompose in a dump, linger in a landfill or-- shudder!-- be converted to charcoal and burned under a steak. What's a patriot to do? I wonder if the Post Office will allow me to return a rerolled roll of stamps. But even it it does, it'll just resell it, perhaps to some insensitive stamper who will lick, deface, cancel and rip those flags without a twinge of conscience. I pray (but not in school) for some official, even Presidential, guidance. Ruth L. Kaplan is a retired Federal (but not postal) employee. From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Mon Aug 14 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast) Subject: Plastics.... Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual Date: 14 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." From norm@hpfcnorm.hp.com Mon Aug 14 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: norm@hpfcnorm.hp.com Subject: Speeding Tickets Keywords: true, smirk, sexual Date: 14 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original, he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he ever got was the following: Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?" Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes and I want to be there when it happens." Norm Gee -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From nair@quintus.UUCP Tue Aug 15 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!wuarchive!texbell!ssbn!looking!funny-request From: nair@quintus.UUCP (Anil Nair) Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Cricket match which is funnier than baseball Keywords: chuckle Message-ID: <4012@looking.on.ca> Date: 15 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT Sender: funny@looking.on.ca Lines: 27 Approved: funny@looking.on.ca Reply-Path: Sun.COM!quintus!nair The Baseball description reminds me of how this native went to his first cricket match and described it to his witchdoctor after he got back. I heard it when I was in college and have no idea where it originated. He said "It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle. There were three sticks at either end of the strip. A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at either end of the strip and one of the other men came running towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour. White man sure knows how to make rain" -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From msw%chem@ucsd.edu Wed Aug 16 02:20:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: msw%chem@ucsd.edu (Mark S. Warren) Subject: "I'm sorry Mr. Lowe, but your insurance won't cover THAT" Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual Date: 16 Aug 89 07:20:05 GMT A true and sort of bizzare story.... Source: San Diego Union newspaper, Aug. 3, page F-2.... Actor Rob Lowe wants his insurance company to pay his legal fees or any damages awarded to a Georgia woman suing him over her teen-age daughter's appearance in a homemade pornographic videotape. But the Chubb Custom Insurance Company of New Jersey said Lowe's insurance policy does not cover "intentional actions" such as using "celebrity status as an inducement to females to engage in sexual intercourse, sodomy, and multiple-party sexual activity for his immediate sexual gratification and for the purpose of making pornographic films." The Chubb folks have asked a federal judge in Atlanta to rule that damages arising from making sex tapes in a hotel room are not a covered item under a homeowner's policy. (But exactly what DOES that policy cover anyway???) -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Wed Aug 16 05:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast) Subject: Next time he'll knock.... Keywords: smirk, sexual Date: 16 Aug 89 10:30:03 GMT Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work, work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15. The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at 3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says, "Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15..... I almost got caught!!!!" -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. From Chris@AUSTIN.LOCKHEED.COM Wed Aug 16 18:30:08 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: Chris@AUSTIN.LOCKHEED.COM (Chris Wood) Subject: Frustration -- Party Joke Keywords: heard it, chuckle Date: 16 Aug 89 23:30:08 GMT (Kinda long, but it makes a good party joke:) A small balding storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The swills down the drink and says "Gimme another one!". The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?" So the begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested? I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!" "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and someone starts fumbling with the door." The blonde says "Ohmygod, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad! Quick, HIDE!" "So, I opened at the closet, but I figured that was probably he first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could here the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers praying that the guy wouldn't see me." The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point." "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who you been sleeping with now, bitch?' The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down'. Well the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either." "Then I here him say 'What's that over there by the window?' I think 'Oh Shit, I'm dead meat now'. But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking." "Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset." "No, that wasn't what really pissed me off." The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?" "Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground!" Chris Wood -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce. From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Thu Aug 17 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast) Subject: that's it. no kids... Keywords: chuckle Date: 17 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet. Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor, otherwise you might have to see him afterward. FIRST DAY: Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor. SECOND DAY: Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon. THIRD DAY: Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee. LAST DAY: Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive, pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday. One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert. (Weght_Loss VaxNotes - BP) -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 18 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast) Subject: Take a letter, Maria... Keywords: heard it, funny Date: 18 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT MEMORANDUM From: Headquarters - New York To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Department Chief To: Section Chiefs Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn. MEMORANDUM From: Section Chief To: All EA's When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets. {ed There are many variants of this.} -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. From mjm@ndcheg.cheg.nd.edu Sun Aug 20 05:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: mjm@ndcheg.cheg.nd.edu (Mark McCready) Subject: Bryant and the experts Keywords: chuckle, true Date: 20 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT Heard on the Today Show 8/2/89 Bryant Gumbal interviewing a middle east expert Bryant: Sir, What is that the Soviets did, that was so effective at getting their kidnapped diplomats back that we could not or were not willing to do ?? Expert: Well, they called in the KGB who promptly kidnapped some relatives of the people who were presumed responsible, castrated them and sent them back with the message that this would happen to the the kidnapers themselves if the hostages were not released. You can imagine what NBC would have said if the US had done this. Bryant: Yes and we would not have had film at 11 !! -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected. From mbr@larch.LCS.MIT.EDU Mon Aug 21 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: mbr@larch.LCS.MIT.EDU (Mark Reinhold) Subject: Concurrency in the real world Keywords: computer, funny Date: 21 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science New York Times, 25 April 1989, in an article on new operating systems for the IBM PC: Real concurrency---in which one program actually continues to function while you call up and use another---is more amazing but of small use to the average person. How many programs do you have that take more than a few seconds to perform any task? -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com Mon Aug 21 18:30:07 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com (ody) Subject: Maladies of age... Keywords: smirk Date: 21 Aug 89 23:30:07 GMT For many years, I've battled with the infamous "Dunlop's Disease" ... a condition caused by age and lake of proper maintenance in which your "stomach `done lopped' over your belt." I had noticed that most women do not suffer from this condition, many of them accumulating any excess weight on the hips and thighs, and/or under the belt. I've recently discovered, however, that some women also suffer from a malady similar to Dunlop's disease in that it is also caused by age and lack of maintenance called "Bureau Breakdown" ... in which your chest falls into your drawers. --Emmett -- J.E.Black; GE Research/K1-3C26; Schenectady, NY 12345 blackje@crd.ge.com -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From gc1a+@andrew.cmu.edu Tue Aug 22 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: gc1a+@andrew.cmu.edu (Glenn Cassidy) Subject: Endorsed by the Almighty Keywords: chuckle Date: 22 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station: "Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 25 05:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast) Subject: sad but true.... Keywords: true, funny Date: 25 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT {ed Looks like this was collected from the various discussions of this in comp.misc a long while ago.} Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer --------------------------------------------- When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?" Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.... The operator believed it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?" Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt." A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk: Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?" HD: "Data Entry." Caller: "Thank you!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Overheard in a student computer lab: Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN." Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he couldn't think of a six-letter word. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 25 05:30:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast) Subject: sad but true.... Keywords: true, funny Date: 25 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT {ed Looks like this was collected from the various discussions of this in comp.misc a long while ago.} Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer --------------------------------------------- When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been xeroxed. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?" Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.... The operator believed it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?" Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt." A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk: Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?" HD: "Data Entry." Caller: "Thank you!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Overheard in a student computer lab: Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN." Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he couldn't think of a six-letter word. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. From suhre@stingray.dsd.trw.com Mon Aug 28 18:30:04 1989 From: suhre@stingray.dsd.trw.com Subject: News of the Weird Keywords: true, chuckle Date: 28 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT (As I mentioned before, NotW isn't currently copyrighted, at least not these articles which appeared in the June LA Reader. So, here they are. mes) News of the Weird Lead Story Paul LaSalle, twenty-six, was killed near Mt. Pleasant, N.Y., in March. He lost control of his car when he pulled alongside a driver and began to berate him for having just cut LaSalle off. Government in Action Debra Gadsen, nineteen, was released early from her five year sentence i newborn child to die in a dormitory closet, wrapped in plastic bags) because she was discovered to be pregnant again. The U.S. Air Force announced that an MX missile accidentally dropped seven inches in its silo in Wyoming last June. The cause was faulty glue. Repairs will cost $4,780,000 -- or $683,000 per inch. A February report from Finland's Health Ministry, concerned about declining population and a high incidence of stress among workers recommended that people should take "sex holidays" from work. The proposal was immediately endorsed by a Lutheran church official in Finland. In February the Environmental Protection Agency inspector general told a congressional committee that its toxic waste cleanup program is so badly managed that the agency hired contractors as telephone receptionists for $30 an hour. Patrick Kennedy (son of Senator Edward Kennedy) spent $8,000 for the 1,324 votes ($66 per vote) he received in last year's primary for the part time Rhode Island legislature seat he eventually won. San Francisco official accused two cities of intentionally "dumping" mental patients in their city by buying them one-way plane tickets there. The director of the city's mental health program said, "San Francisco is identified as the city of the crazies. We do much more than other cities and counties. " Last fall during a public budget confrontation determining how Franklin County (Ohio) libraries would receive funds, the director of the Columbus Public Library slapped the director of the Bexly Public Library, who retaliated with a punch. Police Blotter Larry Tubbs, twenty-nine, was sentenced to thirty days in jail in Lawrence, Kan., for a November incident in which he bit a woman on the leg and stomach during a church service. In Prague, a 506 pound man identified as Zbynek M., aged fifty-two, was sentenced to twelve years in prison for stealing $120,000 worth of food. Salt Lake City police found a pair of severed legs, each wearing a different colored sock, in a garbage can behind a grocery store. Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in March by the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986 from her daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund. Los Angeles police Daryl Gates suspended officer Juan Gomez in December for having broken wind in the faces of two arrestees in September. Gomez blamed the problem on indigestion, but his supervisor called Gomez "feloniously flatulent." One arrestee accused Gomez of preceding one blast with the words, "Check this out." Willie Carrol Williams, thirty-seven, was arrested in Sarasota, Fla., for bank robbery in December. According to police, he had no getaway car but hailed a taxicab outside the bank and paid the driver to take him to local malls for a Christmas shopping spree. After police trapped him an hour later, the taxi driver quoted Williams as saying, "When you've got the money, you might as well spend it." -- Maurice Suhre {decvax,ucbvax}!trwrb!suhre -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.