(I heard this from an MIT grad, who says it's a classic). A student pushes a loaded shopping cart up to the express checkout lane at a Cambridge grocery store. The cashier looks at the cart, looks at the student, looks at the "EXPRESS -- EIGHT ITEMS OR LESS" sign, and says to the student, "Are you from Harvard, where they don't know how to count? Or MIT, where they don't know how to read?" --- Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off...one jumped up and headed for the door...his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"...Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girl friend's husband is!"..... --- Q. Why does an Englishman close his eyes when he has sex? A. Because he doesn't like to see a woman dissapointed !! Q. Why does an Australian man close his eyes when he has sex ? A. Because he doesn't like to see a woman enjoy herself !!!! --- Some friends and I were talking about some of the more red-neck rural logging communities in Washington. [We came up with the following slogans.] towards nature than we do: "If it moves, shoot it, if it doesn't, cut it down." "If you're married to it, beat it." -- "Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I ain't never going to stand in line again!" -- Subject: Postponed embarrassment (Source: Melbourne Herald, In Black & White 14/6/89) A mother due for an appointment with her gynaecologist was running too far behind schedule to fit in a shower, so she opted for a quick cleanse with a face washer. While being examined by the gynaecologist, she was taken aback by his cryptic remark: "You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble!" Well, she never... But all became clear that night, when the woman's teenage daughter arrived home and apologised for the spilt bottle of glitter on the bathroom floor. The sweet thing had mopped up the mess using the mother's face washer! -- Subject: Airline joke Eastern Airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" -- Subject: fund-raising humor Did you hear about the new J. & T. Bakker (Jim & Tammy) slogan? There's a sucker born again every minute. -- Subject: What is Socialism? The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism. -- Beverly had decided that she would learn to play golf, so she signed up for and took lessons. After six months of diligent effort she was ready to play eighteen holes with three of her friends. Out on the course she was stung by a bee. Fearing an allergic reaction she hurried back to the clubhouse to find the pro. I've been stung by a bee! What shall I do? Where were you stung? Between the first and second hole! Beverly, we need to work on your stance... -- Scientists in Utah have just found a new way to make gold by simply putting iron in the cold fusion jar. H. WU THE PENNSYLVANIA STATE UNIVERSITY -- Seen on the letter's page of the "Irish Times" Dear Sir, Sex is the best form of fusion at room temperature, yrs, etc. -- The structure of the deuterium (heavy hydrogen) nucleus can be described as "a proton married to two neutrons." Maybe that's why the fusion experiments only work in Utah. Matt Fichtenbaum -- According to Harpers Index, sales of California Raisin(tm) merchandise in North America topped $450 million last year. Sales of actual California raisins were only $400 million during the same period. John Eaton -- The following was told at dinner yesterday. I have no idea of the origin. Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people: "The good news is we got them down to ten." "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them." Brent Sterner -- [Offensive to large bodies of water] The old Jewish man was walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief." Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet. The gandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!" -- What is the matter with you people? You have missed the oldest parting remark around. This was attributed to none other than Moses: Let's make like the Red Sea and part. No where among the postings have I seen this ancient pearl. Have you no feeling for the history of western civilization that you refuse to learn its' deepest wisdom? -- As told to me by a friend in the British Army: A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!" -- Since we're into USSR jokes: Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!" -- Amos Shapir -- (alt.fusion cull, apparently true) (This is a rumor that's making the rounds in the Netnews alt.fusion discussion; I refer Netnews readers there for more information.) There's a rumor that a Swedish chemist, back in 1926, submitted a patent application for a technique of using palladium to turn hydrogen into helium (essentially, the same setup that's behind the recent "fusion in a jar" excitement). There's another rumor that he gave up, because the technique generated too much heat! Paul S. R. Chisholm, AT&T Bell Laboratories -- (Boston Globe, April 20, 1989) Boston University is considering a plan to raise money by taking out life insurance policies on its students and alumni, and collecting the benefits when they die. University President John R. Silber reportedly floated the proposal in a speech last week, saying BU would pay for policies on consenting students and alumni, and eventually reap millions of dollars for the school's endowment. -- A recent edition of the Guardian (a UK quality newspaper for those who don't know) had a story titled "Charity's great sex appeal" reporting that Marie Stopes International, a charity which raises money for the Third World, is launching "Sex Aid" to finance birth control in countries where rising populations are threatening the environment. Couples are urged to keep a tin by the bed and put 25 pence in it every time they make love, and send the resulting collection to the charity. MSI's fund-raising manager Ms Patricia Hindmarsh said "It is a serious suggestion. I think it will help people focus on the fact that they have the freedom to make love without producing another mouth to feed". The part of the story that I liked best, and the reason I'm forwarding it to this newsgroup, is the Guardian's comment at the end of the story: "Research suggests that the average British couple could donate at least #12.50 a year." -- Subject: Leadership .vs. Management When Noah heard the weather forecast he ordered the building of the ark. --- that was Leadership Then he looked around and said, "Make sure the elephants don't see what the rabbits are up to." --- that was Management -- Subject: sign on a hospital bulletin board Colloquium announcement: Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Hand-written note underneath: The last five minutes aren't so hot either. -- Subject: inquiry (This is from a little book called "Buurmans hemd nader bekeken", by Harry de Jong (in Dutch). I thought it deserved a bigger audience. Hans) How often a week do you sleep with your wife ? asked the inquirer. Three times, I said without hesitation. That is once more often than your neighbour, the inquirer said, writing. That makes sense, I said, after all, she's my wife. -- Subject: Resumes If you think the captain has it bad, consider the following resume: Prior Job Experience -------------------- March 1989 3rd Mate, Exxon Valdez No worries about overqualification! -- Subject: High Steaks A number of years ago, a major meat packer wanted to do a promotional campaign on radio. The idea was to have call-in contests on radio stations throughout the country, and the winners would receive large supplies of sirloin steaks. The researchers had to come up with a name for the contest. The report they submitted read something like this. After conducting market research, we have reached the conclusion that the name "High Steaks" would be an appropriate name for the contest. We base this conclusion on interviews and surveys, and we are firmly convinced that the majority of radio listeners will understand the double entendre. The only city where we found the a lack of sophistication was Memphis, TN, and there we recommend that you call the contest "Free Meat." --- Subject: On Being Prepared for Marriage (on David Letterman, week of 3/13): "My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy' -- no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry." -- Rita Rudner -- Subject: The Philipines Q: What was Corazon Aquino's happiest hour? A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos' shoe size. -- Subject: drowning in red tape... a recent TASS headline: SPACE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DIMWIT BEAUROCRATS A soviet officer faces charges that he failed to respond to four notifications for army reserve service. Since November, however, he has been orbiting earth in a space station. I guess the mail service just isn't all it's cracked up to be... -- Subject: Amazing scientific discovery Physicists at the University of Rochester have discovered that it is possible, using their multimillion dollar fusion research laser equipment, to destroy objects that are very far away, for example in Utah. -- Subject: The core of the apple Q.: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? A.: Crib death. - Tiger Magazine (Princeton U. Humor Mag) -- Subject: Eastern Network What's the similarity between Eastern Airlines and CBS? Neither one has any pilots! -- Subject: witzelsucht A medical professional recently told me about a strange and little known malady. Somehow, it seemed appropriate to forward the information here. I did not make this up. Honest. witzelsucht (vit'sel-zoocht) [Ger.] "A mental condition characteristic of frontal lobe lesions and marked by the making of poor jokes and puns and the telling of pointless stories, at which the patient himself is intensely amused." >From Dorland's Illustrated Medical Dictionary, 26th edition. -- Subject: Drinking Philosophers Sandy Murphy and Udaya Shankar, two researchers at the University of Maryland, recently received a reprint request for their article "A note on the Drinking Philosophers Problem", published in Transactions on Programming Languages and Systems. Not too unusual, except that the request came from the Research Institute on Alcoholism in Buffalo. -- Subject: racists What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism? A southern racist doesn't mind blacks living nearby, as long as they don't get "uppity" A northern racist doesn't mind blacks getting "uppity" as long as they don't live close. -- Subject: Creativity in bait'n'switch? From the bottom of an ad for No Frills Furniture/TV/Appliances, Toronto Star colour comics section, March 11, 1989: "Because this ad is prepared in advance, we regret it is impossible to guarantee that some items may be sold out." -- Q: What's the definition of a three-time loser? A: A pregnant whore driving an Edsel with a "Nixon for President" bumper sticker on it. -- Subject: AirJEDR close call well, there was another close call for AirJEDR this week. seems the pilot had a heart attack and the controllers in the tower had to talk the stewardess through the takeoff. -- Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. As the day draws to a close, in a small synagogue in Vilna, the rabbi is praying ferverently. "Oh, God," he says, "I am nothing before you!" The cantor also says "Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" Then the shammes*, inspired by their piety, cries out, "Oh, God, I am nothing before you!" The cantor raises his eyebrows, looks at the rabbi, and says, "Nu, look who thinks he's nothing!" -- Subject: higher, girls, HIGHER! I went into a video store today at lunch and picked up Jane Fonda's latest video, the "It Didn't Workout" tape. -- Subject: Geriatric problems Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up." -- >From the January 89 issue of Unix/Review: Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!". No apologies to statisticians. -- Subject: A Man With A Problem A middle aged buisnessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she *really* works me over." "So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomanic," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep." "I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor. "You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells." -- Did you hear that Jane Fonda and hubby Tom Hayden have agreed to a trial separation ? She's going to North Vietnam and he's going south. -- Subject: Pan-Am looses engine Paraphrased from the Tonight Show No one was really quite sure how Pan-Am could loose an engine off of an airplane. It was found out later that the engine had a luggage sticker on it. -- In order to combat fighting in Big East conference games, players ejected for fighting will not be paid for that game. -- Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska last week announced they have a superconductor which will operate at room temperature. -- Subject: Pan Am crash in England What's the difference between First Class and Coach on Pan Am? About five miles. -- Subject: Laboratory Experiment A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story. Apparently one day there was a lab where all the students were learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were using tissue scraped from the inside of the mouth. One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell she was seeing under her microscope--eventually she called over the teaching assistant to identify it. He came over, smirked, and exclaimed (loud enough for everyone to hear) "Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!" She was somewhat more careful after that experience.... -- A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter spits in his hands and rubbs them against each other, grabs a chunck of ground beef from a dirty bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on the grill. The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend and says "god damn that is gross". The friend says "that's nothing, you should see how he makes the donuts". -- Subject: Change in the bible An American makes a proposal to the Vatican: he offers a hundred million dollars in exchange for the changing of one word in the Bible. He will only reveal what the word is when meeting with the Pope himself. The Curia is doubtful, but the money would certainly be useful. An audience is arranged, but it doesn't last long. "What did you propose?" the puzzled cardinals ask the American. "Only that 'Amen' should be replaced by 'Texas Oil'." {ed Please don't all mail me the Wonder Bread joke.} *** "How did the poet Mayakovsky die?" "Suicide." "What were his last words?" "Don't shoot, comrades!" -- Subject: Home Movies Did you hear about Rob Lowe's new movie: ``Honey I boinked the kids'' -- Subject: Cure for summer boredom This was heard on Atlanta radio station as one of the cures for boredom while sitting around the house over the summer: Shave your neighbor's cat and go ask him if he has had his house tested for radon gas yet. -- Subject: Software development and envelopment at MIT. The Law of Software Development and Envelopment at MIT: Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. -- Subject: United 232 aftermath Dan Wagenner of the Red Cross, commenting on the crash's effect on the people of Sioux City, "A disaster like this is a very moving experience for the people who live here. DC-10's don't even land here normally, much less crash." -- Subject: Great white hunter YFEM = Your Favorite Ethnic Minority A great YFEM hunter was tramping through the woods one day, when he found a ravishing young woman, totally naked, lying on a blanket. After staring at her breathlessly for some moments he asked: "Are you game?" "Yes, for you." she replied. So, he shot her. -- Subject: regarding marshmallows >Subject: The Marshmallow of the 23rd Century > Get your One-of-a-Kind > Star Trek V (the final frontier) > Kraft Marshmallow Dispenser > It holds up to four KRAFT Jet-Puffed > Marshmallows. David Letterman does a sketch entitled "Supermarket finds" where his staff collects supermarket products and makes fun of them. Recently, he displayed Kraft Marshmallows and their claim about being "The official marshmallow of the Starship U.S.S. Enterprise (tm)" And he then remarked, "Funny, I thought that was William Shatner's job." -- Subject: Dead in the air... Reported as a true story: Catherine [a flight attendant] was working a junket from New York to Las Vegas. As she was tearing her hair out from the numerous requests for drinks, a passenger grabbed her and said, "I think there's a dead woman over here. Please hurry." As she ran to assist, she spotted the woman - out cold - sprawled on the floor. Catherine bent down to check for breathing and muttered to herself, "Oh, God. Lady, please don't die. If you only knew how much paperwork I'd have to do, you wouldn't die on me now." The woman's eyes flew open, and she started screaming, "How dare you! You've just poisoned me with that shit you fed me and now you're worried about PAPERWORK!" >From the book "Cabin Pressure" by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro -- Subject: On "reserve" with an airline Reported as a true story: When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing or missing an assigned trip. This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an assignment. When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M. departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's someone calling for your husband." Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period. -- Subject: Poor old Dan Again The White House is allegedly sending Dan Quayle to People's Republic of China to find out who is really in charge. Asked whether in the current reign of terror it might be unsafe for our beloved VP to go, John Sununu, the White House Chief of Staff, answered : 'Oh no no, in China they only persecute intellectuals'. -- Subject: Johnny Carson on EXXON Exxon has announced that they are pulling out of the cleanup effort in Alaska. Which is the appropriate phrase considering what they've done to Alaska. -- Subject: I wonder if they've fixed the supercomputer bug yet? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Hey Mike?" "Yeah, Gabe?" "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." "I thought you fixed that last century!" "No, no, not that. Someone's found a loophole in the physics program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." "Blessit! Lemme check..." "Hey, I thought I fixed that! All right, let me find my terminal." "There, that ought to patch it." -- Subject: Stealth Bomber Bumper Sticker from Letterman 7/27 (shown on 7/28) bumper sticker seen on stealth bomber: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS." -- Subject: All about Baseball BASEBALL (as explained to a foreign visitor) You have two sides one out in the field and one in. Each man that's not on the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When three men are out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When both sides have been in and out nine times including the not outs That's the end of the game! -- Subject: Romanians [Seen in the 'Daily Telegraph' (London) 18th or 19th July 1989, and known to be going round the House of Lords (UK Upper House).] Q: What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they used candles? A: Electricity. -- Subject: the hair o' the dog . . . (True(?) story heard on WVBF, Boston this morning:) Apparently this woman's minature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream. The women went to a drug store and asked the druggist for assistance in selecting an appropriate product. He went on about how some were better for use on legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. He then said "May I ask where you intend to use this?" She replied "Well, it's for my schnauzer." He said "OK, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks." -- Subject: Plastics.... An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." -- Subject: Bald Men I heard this at my 30th high school reunion. Q. Why do bald men have holes in their pants pockets? A. From running their fingers through their hair. Tom Crawford -- Subject: Boomerang's tough luck An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all in blood and crying. His neighbor is passing by. "What's wrong?" the neighbor asks. "I bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered. "So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again. "I cannot throw away the old one..." -- Subject: Speeding Tickets A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original, he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he ever got was the following: Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?" Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes and I want to be there when it happens." -- Subject: Endorsed by the Almighty The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station: "Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT." -- Subject: Lawyer Referral Service Call Of The Month A gentleman called Referrals because of an automobile accident caused entirely by his galoshes (pronounced: "go-losh-shes"). While he was driving his car, his galoshes, being too big for his feet, because lodged under the gas pedal. As a result, the car began to speed up and, while he was making efforts to regain control, the car careened (pronounced: "kay-reeee-ned") off a truck and into another car. When asked if he required a civil litigation lawyer -- after all that vehicular mayhem -- he said no. As it turned out, what he really needed was a criminal lawyer to represent him in traffic court -- on a charge of blowing over 80mg on a breathalyzer! -- from "Hearsay", the Law Society of Upper Canada staff newsletter, July 1989. By Les Gyulay. -- Subject: think ahead A while ago somebody reminded me this old Eastern-European joke. I cannot give any source - this is folklore. An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're hand- some, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?" -- Subject: One Way To Tell You Have Problems "When the horizon disappears, or it's on the wrong side of your windshield, you know you're in trouble." - Veteran land speed record chaser Art Arfons (sp?), describing to a National Public Radio interviewer what it was like when his jet-powered "motorcycle" became airborne and crashed at 300+ mph during a test run at the Bonneville Salt Flats This is the same Art Arfons who crashed in a jet powered car at over *600* mph (!) twenty or so years ago. Now a spry 63 years of age, he's still at it. -- Subject: Eskimo Read in a Turkish newspaper: ---------------------------- A tourist goes to the pole, and meets an Eskimo. "During the summer you don't have any nights, and during the winter you don't have any days... What do you do during that endless summer day?" he asks. "We go fishing, and make love to our women" the Eskimo replies. The tourist thinks a while, and asks another question: "Then, what do you do during that endless winter night?" Eskimo grins: "We don't go fishing..." -- Subject: Quayle's Quest --Heard on the radio (KOME-San Jose) Dan Quayle is on vacation. He's riding a donkey into the Grand Canyon. I guess George Bush asked him the difference between his ass and a hole in the ground. -- Subject: reincarnation If you believe the people that believe in reincarnation, life sucks, then you die. Then life sucks again. -- Subject: Aliens among us (and I thought it was hard to write down verbal humor . . . I'll give it a try though.) This was a one panel cartoon in "Aboriginal Science Fiction." On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander. Soldier to commander: "Well, now that we've captured their king they'll have to surrender!" Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis. -- Subject: Old Age The Joys of Aging I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I awake, Will Power helps me out of bed. When he leaves I go see John. Then Charley Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and ready to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a day! -- Subject: Toilet Paper ( old ). Here is a joke my grandfather told my father in 1940. Then it was passed on to me. Just thought I'd send it in for it's antique value. One day in a public toilets, a man was washing his hands when he hears a voice of despair comming from one of the cubicals:"Oh no", it exclaimed,"there's no toilet paper left! I wish somebody would do something about this!" Upon hearing this, the man shouted back,"Well, you have a tongue in your head don't you?" "Yes", came the reply, "but I don't have a neck like a bloody giraffe." --