************************************** * High Society presents... * * * * The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2 * * * * compiled by * * Ctrl-Reset * *************************************** Finally! After a few cheap imitations, the second volume of Rabid Rasta's Real Pirate's Guide. Since RR has left for the college scene, and I worked closely with him on the first version, you'll have to put up with me for this installment. ---------- As stated in the first edition of The Real Pirate's Guide, there are a lot of pirates; unfortunately, a vast majority of them are morons. For this reason, these "guides" have been as- sembled to aid in the growth and matur- ity of the younger pirate generation. Which brings us to the golden rule of pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OF AGE"(exceptions are few, like if one was a beta-tester for Broderbund, we could let that slide). What follows is a compendium of all the ideals and morals a Real Pirate should possess. Note that some have been taken over from the first Guide because of their high value, and because these rules are still widely knocked around. ---------- [SOFTWARE] Real Pirates can appreciate the differ- ence between "Karateka," and "Competi- tion Karate". Real Pirates have long-since deleted "Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool," "Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie," and still couldn't give a sack of dog dicks about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI). Corollary: Real Pirates would jump at the chance to "help" Adventure International go Chapter 11. Real Pirates aren't obsessed with the never-ending quest of collecting all 12 sides of "Time Zone". Real Pirates respect the programming and creative talents of those working for Broderbund, Infocom, and Electron- ic Arts, and congratulate them on a valiant attempt to make money. Real Pirates didn't get excessively excited upon the release of "Soft- Porn Adventure," "Strip Poker," or anything of the sort. Real Pirates respect the efforts of other pirates to sell his or her own programs, but would distribute them at them drop of a hat. Real Pirates pirates aren't just "learning assembly." Or even worse, "machine language." Real Pirates don't contemplate why their Apple II+ w/48k won't run "King's Quest," or "DazzleDraw." Real Pirates know that the Mail Trading Club, run by The Professor, is the biggest mail-order scam/rip-off since X-Ray glasses. Real Pirates aren't anticipating the release of the follow-up to "The Phillistine Ploy." Real Pirates know that Lord British is not the Monarch of any European empire. Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was either a very good joke, or a very bad game. Real Pirates play "Karateka". [MODEMING/BBS'] When posting a message, Real Pirates can differentiate between: 'z' and 's', 'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and 'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and 'x' and 'ks'. Corollary: Real Pirates have long- since rg7ses{ed thg ability to punctu- ate, spell and construct clear, well organized sentences. Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates aren't constantly searching for new ways to spell "WARES". Real Pirates don't use the prefix "k-" (ie. k-k00l, k-awesome, k-mart). Real Pirates use lower case. Real Pirates don't use text graphics. Real Pirates don't use imbedded back- spacing. Real Pirates don't post "I have" mes- sages, when they really don't have. Real Pirates aren't to impressed with "spinny" cursors, and turn them off upon logging onto such boards. Real Pirates don't try to impress others with their superior ability to add many carriage returns at the end of a message, thus preventing anyone from reading the last few lines. Real Pirates don't brag about people they know, or clubs they are in to the point of becoming obnoxious. (ie."RACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACK",etc) Real Pirates don't obtain their "phreak" codes from the local Net-Works "super-elite hack board". Real Pirates use the latest version of ASCII Express "Pro". Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned with matching everything the other pirate sends them. Real Pirates are happy to send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the same business. (ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides") Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to print-out their "goodbye" message, they hang-up. Real Pirates always have a copy of "Disk-fer" or "Cat-Send" handy, or both. Real Pirates don't end their messages with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or anything of the sort. Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond to such messages, and in no way use them as a means to get "new wares." Real Pirates aren't found to frequent the local "Bitch Board". Real Pirates know that Der Fuhrer is a total and complete looser, and also know that the most he ever did to distribute anything was "send it to a few peo ple."(what everyone else does) Real Pirates don't have to "ask" if one has an Apple Cat, Real Pirates "assume" one has an Apple Cat. Corollary: Real Pirates know that a "cat"--when referred to by another pirate--is not a small, furry mammal in the genus of a tiger(unless specificly pointed out as such.) Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates couldn't give a bucket of hampster vomit about anything pertain- ing to anyone else's pet. Real Pirates don't make threats of violence against others through the phone lines. After all, how is someone living in Acron, Ohio going to "beat the living shit out of" someone living in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap Mail, that's for sure. Real Pirates know that the disclaimers often stuck in by BBS sysops do little more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM. Real Pirates don't post messages telling us what is "old", so they can fill some space, thus making it look like they actually had a reason to post something relavent. Real Pirates don't think it's keen to be able to put '/EX' on a line by it- self, and have it included in the mess- age. Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that tells them which board to post a cer- tain message on(ie. no "new wares" mes- sages on the "Famous People Which I Have Met" board). Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS miles away. [GROUPS/NAMES] Real Pirates names aren't parodies of other respectable pirates (ie. The Male Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey, etc.). Real Pirates names have no association to any type of music whatsoever (ie. Green Manalishi, The Scorpion,etc.). Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name unless they actually can crack, and don't just have one. Real Pirates know that M.P.G does not stand for 'Miles Per Gallon', 'Many Pieces of Gravel', 'My Prick is Green', or anything of the sort. Corollary: Real Pirates would never think of forming, or joining another group with the suffix "P.G.", standing for "Pirates Guild"(three is enough). Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace, The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly, Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker, The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly, Happy Hacker, or Der Fuhrer. [MISCELLANEOUS] When talking with a Real Pirate on the phone, you can be assured of not hear- ing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters being played stridently in the back- ground. Real Pirates are not offended by articles in NewsWeek simply because they make a few dorogatory remarks about BBS/modem users, and do not use this weak reason for making the author's life miserable. Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when "Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and didn't worry whether or not the Cuban midget would ever get another job. Real Pirates would like to see a final episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the ship to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads and b odyparts of "your crew" scattered about the water. Real Pirates watch "Late Night with David Lettermen." Real Pirates just don't give a damn! ---------- Well, that's it. For now. If you were at all offended by anything in this article, that's your que to retire from pirating, because after all, Real Pirates aren't offended by things contained in text files. I would like to thank The Cloak for his helpful contributions and input. *************************************** * * * TELEMATION 914-362-1422 * * THE CRUSIFICTION 914-429-5616 * * CASTLE BRASS 415-345-2134 * * * *************************************** ************** * * * TELEMATION 914-362-1422 * * THE CRUSIFICTION 914-429-5616 * * CASTLE BRASS 415-345-2134 * * vFCzrpKh(>IC:p~A >KgJVv@ke:^~&('Kp