Spring is that busy period when highway crews rush out to get the main
routes torn up in time for summer traffic.
DOUG LARSON

I think people should go into public office for a term or two, and then
get back into their businesses and live under the laws that they passed.
MIKE CURB

RUMBA is a dance where the front of you goes along nice and smooth like a
Cadillac and the back of you makes like a Jeep.
BOB HOPE

When something defies description--let it.
ARNOLD H. GLASOW

A suggestion for unsuccessful dieters: don't think of it as fat; think of
it as insulation.
JAMES HOLT MCGAVRAN

ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM: opposition to the withdrawel of federal
 funds used to support an organized church, i.e. the Catholic Church in
 England.
WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY

Two martians landed on a corner right in front of a traffic light.  "I saw
her first," one said.  "So what?" replied the other, "I'm the one she
winked at."
SANDY HARTMAN

Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
BITS AND PIECES

Genius is born, not paid.
OSCAR WILDE

Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
"20 YEAR FRIENDSHIP ENDS AT ALTER"
MORE JOY OF LEX

Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
"PRISONERS ESCAPE AFTER EXECUTION"
MORE JOY OF LEX

Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
"SISTERS WED BROTHERS HAVE BABIES SAME DAY"
MORE JOY OF LEX

Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
"`FIDELIO' ONLY OPERA BEETHOVEN WROTE ON MONDAY EVENING"
MORE JOY OF LEX

Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
"PASSENGERS HIT BY CANCELLED TRAINS"
MORE JOY OF LEX

Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
"BUFFALO SWEPT OFF FEET BY MENDELSSOHN CHOIR"
MORE JOY OF LEX

Headline deserving a Pullet Surprise:
"PROTESTOR TRIED TO SPOIL PLAY BUT ACTORS SUCCEEDED"
MORE JOY OF LEX

The human body has several hundred muscles, mostly to tell us we
shouldn't have jogged so far.
THE IDEN TREASURY

The poet can reach where the sun cannot.
HINDU PROVERB

From an and for flatware: "A Real Stainless Steal."
UNKNOWN

Sticks Float.  They wood!
SHIRLEY WHITTINGTON

What kind of baker kneads puns?
SHIRLEY WHITTINGTON

A rich man once asked a friend, "Why am I criticized fpr being miserly?
Everone knows I will leave everything to charity when I die."  "Well," said
the friend, "let me tell you about the pig and the cow.  The pig was
lamenting to the cow one day about how unpopular he was.  `People are always
talking about your gentleness and your kind eyes,' said the pig. `Sure, you
give milk and cream, but I give more.  I give bacon, ham, bristles.  They even
pickle my feet! Still, nobody likes me.  Why is this?'  The cow thought a
minute then replied "Well, maybe it's because I give while I'm still living.'"
SUNSHINE MAGAZINE

The trouble with good ideas is that they quickly degenerate into hard work.
PETER DRUCKER

The trouble with bucket seats is that everyone doesn't have the same size
bucket.
OPAL SMITH

THE excuse: I would if I could but I can't so I won't.
UNKNOWN

Soon all the world's greatest wisdom will be expressed in cliches.
DAVID GERROLD

Ill play with it first and tell you what it is later.
MILES DAVIS

Im hungry! Im hungry!
for good things to eat
for Sugar Jets, Sugar Jets
(whole toasted wheat)
ADVERTISEMENT

I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
LUCINDA CHILDS (PHILIP GLASS: EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH)

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
HASSAN I SABBAH

Dont let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
BO DIDDLEY

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
NIELS BOHR

Just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE

The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
H P LOVECRAFT

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
KEN KESEY

Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
LITTLE RICHARD

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
MAE WEST

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
SIGMUND FREUD

When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one
Ive never tried before.
MAE WEST

Her life was saved by rock and roll.
LOU REED

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
J EDGAR HOOVER

Honest Officer, had I known my health stood in jeprody I would never
had lit one.
MAXIM OF THE HELLS ANGELS

It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
WILLIE SUTTON

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
BILLY ROSE

The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
KARL MARX
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
it ... it would have been much better.
KARL MARX'S MOTHER

If you think the United States has stood still, who built the
largest shopping center in the world?
RICHARD M NIXON

When I sell liquor, its called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, its called hospitality.
AL CAPONE

Anything anybody can say about America is true.
EMMETT GROGAN

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land
in Los Angeles.
FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT

If youve seen one city slum, youve seen them all.
SPIRO AGNEW

If youve seen one redwood, youve seen them all.
RONALD REAGAN

He who shits on the road will meet flies on his return.
SOUTH AFRICAN SAYING

Use it up ... Wear it out.
Make it do ... Or do without.
US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE

You cant underestimate the power of fear.
TRICIA NIXON

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
incredible jailbreak.
WAVY GRAVY

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
BUCKMINSTER FULLER

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

You smash it - and Ill build around it.
JOHN LENNON

College isn't the place to go for ideas.
HELLEN KELLER

Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
and detective stories.
ARTHUR C CLARKE

America, how can a write a holy litany in your silly mood?
ALLEN GINSBERG

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore,
I have to beat somebody.
RICHARD M NIXON

Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
ARTHUR C CLARKE

Justice is incedental to law and order.
J EDGAR HOOVER

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
GROUCHO MARX

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
ABBIE HOFFMAN

Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
PINK FLOYD

Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still dont know what I want to be
when I grow up.
PETER DRUCKER

How can you be two places at once when youre not anywhere at all?
FIRESIGN THEATER

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
OSCAR WILDE

We are what we pretend to be.
KURT VONNEGUT, JR

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
OSCAR WILDE

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but thats the way to bet.
DAMON RUNYON

I could prove God statistically.
GEORGE GALLUP

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
ALBERT EINSTEIN

Real wealth can only increase.
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER

Anyone can hate. it costs to love.
JOHN WILLIAMSON

In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
JOHN LILLY

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
GRAFFITI

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
ALBERT EINSTEIN

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD

A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
GEORGE WALD

Don't lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
BURMA SHAVE

It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
DEAN LATTIMER

Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
KEN WEAVER

We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasnt a fish.
JOHN CULKIN

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

I waited and waited, and when no message came, I knew it must have
been from you.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Please dont lie to me, unless youre absolutely sure Ill never find
out the truth.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

If you cant learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

I dont have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

Maybe Im lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm me.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
hit the target.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence
without civilization in between.
OSCAR WILDE

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
ALAN COULT

If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
STANLEY GARN

The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
FATHER ROBERT F CAPON

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
RICHARD M NIXON

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitiable.
JOHN F KENNEDY

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
it were so, it would be; but as it isnt, it aint. Thats logic."
LEWIS CARROLL

It takes a long time to understand nothing.
EDWARD DAHLBERG

To know the world one must construct it.
CESARE PAVESE

Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
BULLWINKLE MOOSE

The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
TENESSEE WILLIAMS

An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
RENE MAGRITTE

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard,
ya dont go lookin' for rutabagas.
KINGFISH

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
M C ESCHER

Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
 If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.

Laws of Computer Programming
(1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
(2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
(3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
(4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
(5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
(6) The value of a program is porportional to the
    weight of its output.
(7) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
    programmer who must maintain it.
(8) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in
    English, and you will find that programmers cannot write
    in English.
SIGPLAN Notices, Vol 2 No 2

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
CALVIN COOLIDGE

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
PAUL ERLICH

If A equals success, then the formula is:
   A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
ALBERT EINSTEIN

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you wont either.
JOSEPH FISCHER

Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
 If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is
damn near zero.
DAVID ELLIS

Frouds Law:
 A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.

Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
 1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
J PAUL GETTY

Gilb's Laws of Reliability
(1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
(3) The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who
    attacks a systrem is that the fool attacks unpredictably and
    on a broader front.
(5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion
    to the inherent unreliability of the system in which they
    are used.
(6) The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system
    are the key to understanding the type of errors which they
    cannot handle.
(7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
    detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
(8) All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise -
    which is impossible.
(9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
    probable cost of errors, or somebody insists on getting some
    useful work done.
TOM GILB

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
encounters needs pounding.
ABRAHAM KAPLAN

The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
ROGER LEVIAN

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)

Thoreau's Law:
 If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
doing you good, you should run for your life.

Vique's Law:
 A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
GERALD WEINBERG

Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
CONFUCIUS

Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
BOOK OF PROVERBS

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
MARK TWAIN

The unnatural, that too is natural.
GOETHE

I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
GRAFFITI

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didnt like it.
SAMUEL GOLDWYN

He hasn't one redeeming vice.
OSCAR WILDE

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
GRAFFITI


(To Walter Cronkite):
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number
of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running
up and down a street"
- Neil Armstrong -

"You doubted Me," God tells the Lawgiver [Moses], "But I forgave
you that doubt. You doubted your own self and failed to believe
in your own powers as a leader, and I forgave you that also. But
you lost faith in these people and doubted the divine possibilities
of Human Nature. THIS loss of faith makes it impossible for
you to enter the Promised Land."
- The Midrash -

" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
- George Bernard Shaw -

"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty
without any proof"
Ashley Montague -

"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
come to brass tacks"
T. S. Elliot -

"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
D. B. Hudson -

"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more '
user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
Bill Gates,Pres.,Microsoft,Inc. -

Eight Things your computer won't do:
 1) It won't save you money
 2) It won't make your organization run right
 3) It won't solve every problem
 4) It won't run itself
 5) It won't always be right
 6) It won't meet all its own needs
 7) It won't protect itself
 8) It won't become obsolete
J. Makower -

Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee...
 that will do them in.

Civilization Law #1:
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
one can do without thinking about them.

Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.

"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards
upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
H. L. Mencken -

"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded
on the Christian Religion"
George Washington -

"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
 - Thomas Jefferson -

"During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; in both, superstition, bigotry,
 - James Madison -

"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
 - Thomas Jefferson -

"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
 - Benjamin Franklin -

"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
 - Thomas Jefferson -

"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
 - Pat Paulsen -

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
 - Camus -

"I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it"
 - W. C. Fields -

"Six years for possession of a cigarette?...I got six months
for possession of a deadly weapon!"
 - cartoon by S. Harris -

The Swartzberg Test:
 The validity of a science is its ability to predict.

"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
striving of the human race"
 - Alfred North Whitehead -

"My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of
human systems, and I am convinced that we are terribly
vulnerable.... We should be reluctant to turn back upon the
frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent to what we
do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether
or not we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to
space, because the grand, slow march of intelligence has brought
us, in our generation, to a point from which we can explore and
understand and utilize it. To turn back now would be to deny
our history, our capabilities."
 - James A. Michener -

"What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go
to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to
build railroads across a continent? In independent thought
about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it
takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view,
the simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American
life. First, a base of technology must exist from which to do
the thing to be done. Second, a period of national uneasiness
about America's place in the scheme of human activities must
exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally,
an articulate and wise leader must sense these first three
conditions and put forth with words and action the great thing
to be accomplished. The motivation of young Americans to do what
needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of conditions....
The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John Kennedys
appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which
they, and thier young frontiersmen, will require to lead us
onward and upward."
 - Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt,Sen.,New Mexico -

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
 - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -

"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but
not its programmer"
 - Morris Kingston -

"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head"
 - George Wallace -

"You don't have to explain something you never said"
 - Calvin Coolidge -

"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
 - Bismarck -

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
 - Everett Dirksen -

"The personal computer market is about the same size as the
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
worldwide sales of pantyhose"
 - James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -

"I like a man who grins when he fights."
 - Winston Churchill -

"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
 - Winston Churchill -

"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
will pick himself up and carry on..."
 - Winston Churchill -

"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Saturday."
 - William Bragg -

"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die"
 - John W. Campbell -

"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
 - Thoreau -

Life is not one thing after another.... it's the same
damn thing over and over!¨

The meek will inherit the Earth..... The rest of us will go to the stars.

After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.

Beauty is only skin deep, but Ugly goes straight to the bone.

There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.

Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint
upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going
to get or how long it will last.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics.

"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought."
 - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -

"Revolution is the opiate of the intellectuals"
 - "Oh, Lucky Man" -

I really hate this damn machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.

"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
 - Goya -

"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
the wall instead of using it"
 - Gordon R. Dickson -

"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
 - Toynbee -

"We have met the enemy and he is us"
 - Walt Kelly (in POGO) -

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed
adultery, are now extinct."
 - M. Somerset Maugham -

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
 - Bert Lantz -

"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
 - Oscar Wilde -

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
 - Voltaire -

Ode to Turbulent Flow:
 Big whirls have little whirls
 Which feed on their velocity,
 And little whirls have lesser whirls
 And so on, to viscosity.

"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique'
to destroy the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the
ground and covers it with leaves. It then puts a big POT
OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey, look at all
this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit"
 - John C. Dvorak -

"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
 - Heisenberg -

"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
 to get adapted to my kind of fooling"
 - R. Frost -

"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
 - Ben Jonson -

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