========================================================================== == == == If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I == == can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- == == esses are: == == == == {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto == == == == or == == == == dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa == ========================================================================== Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net Episode 11 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 1 (Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Arnold Lint have just received the 'Video Testament' - a scripture said to contain the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything.) Rod: Well, go on, read it. Arnold Lint:Do you think we should? Xaphod: Yah, why not. Martin: I can think of a few reasons. Gillian: Quiet, we're going to find out what it all means. Aren't you the least bit excited. Martin: (droning sarcastically) Oh yes, I can hardly contain myself. Xaphod: Never mind him, lets read this amazingly amazing book. (They open the book and it speaks to them.) Book: Hark, who goest there. Rod: Uh, who are you? Book: I . . . am the Video Testament. The compendium of all knowledge and smart stuff from the mythical age of Kubla Konthemasus. You may call me . . . Ralph. "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" has this to say about the mythical ruler Kubla Konthemasus: He was reported to be from Austria or Germany. He was supposed to be short and have a funny little mustache. He was supposed to have died in 1945 and then be reborn in Argentina. His followers looked upon him as a sort of Messiah, who would lead them to the land of Silk and Money. All of this is, of course, purely hypothetical; as were Konthemasus' friends Herman (Hermie) McGoering, and Crazy Joe Stalinson. Xaphod: Ralph? Ralph: Well, what do you expect? Rod: Well, not Ralph. Gillian: Can you tell us . . . Ralph: The answer to Life, the Net, and Everything. Gillian: . . . why yes. Arnold Lint:That's amazing. Xaphod: To you it would be. Rod: Tell us what it all means. Ralph: You won't like it. Martin: That's no surprise. Xaphod: Just ignore him. Ralph: Well, it all began sometime in the 1950's. A group of very wealthy and powerful men assembled in Argentina under the guidance of a man calling himself Kubla Konthemasus. This group of magnates were from various political affiliations - Nazis, Communists, Capitalists, and Urologists. They all liked money and wanted to rule the world. They also realized that TV was going to be the tool that would give them the leverage they needed. Xaphod: I don't like the way this is starting to sound. Rod: Me neither. Ralph: I warned you. Martin: You should have listened to him. Arnold Lint:Go on. Ralph: Well, they began to infiltrate the TV industry. Soon they not only owned huge percentages of each network, but had also emplaced their own people into many of the creative positions at each network. Then they began to manipulate things. They decided to cast the world in an image that they could easily control. So each little kid on TV was either predictably (and sickeningly) nice and helpful, or predictably always getting into trouble. Women were either predictably aggressive or predictably obtuse. You see, they set up patterns of behavior that they could count on. Once they could predict and control how the public would react to something, they could do whatever they wanted. Whenever they wanted to do something really tricky (like when they took over the Mid-East oil fields in the late 70's and early 80's) they made sure to get the country thinking their way before hand with a massive TV bombardment. If it was a topic that they knew nobody would go for no matter how they publicized it, they flooded the airways with those sickening human emotion type TV-movies. Things like "Plight of the Forgotten Children" or "Why is Daddy always angry?". The kind of stuff that makes you want to blow lunch. Rod: Wow, that's amazing. Xaphod: Yah. Ralph: Their greatest triumph was getting a president elected. Their plan was simple. They made sure that the east coast was for their candidate, leaving the west coast alone. Then, on election day, the TV 'predictions' claimed their candidate to be a sure winner. Due to the time difference, all the people on the west coast thought the election was over anyway and didn't even bother to vote. Xaphod: Wow, imagine getting a president elected by manipulating the media. Ralph: And guess what . . . he was an actor! Gillian: What a coincidence. Rod: Yah, imagine that. Martin: Doesn't surprise me . . . I expect such things from humans. Arnold Lint:But what does all this have to do with the Net? Gillian: Yah, controlling TV is great but most people in the Net are far too dedicated to their work to partake of anything as tacky as TV. We're all thoroughly dedicated professionals. (If it were possible for an android to suppress a burst of uncontrollable laughter, that is what Martin could now be described as doing.) Rod: Yah what about the Net!? Ralph: Well . . . ******************** End Of Part 11 ******************** What are the interests of this Neo-Nazi-Communist-Capitalist organization in the Net? The answer will surprise you - unless you're a great stupid twit. To find out more . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel. danielle