Atmospherics Winter 1994 Volume 1, number 3 ========================================================= Atmospherics Volume 1, number 3 Winter 1994 ========================================================= Table of Contents: Poems and stories by: Ayli Lapkoff David Dowker Jamie wasserman c.e. nelson Niklas Pivic Michael McNeilley Ginette Burgess Ben Ohmart Allegra Sloman _________________________________________________________________ This text may be freely shared amongst individuals, but it may not be republished in any medium without express written consent from the authors and advance notification of the editor. Rights to stories remain with the authors. Copyright 1994, the authors. _________________________________________________________________ Editorial: Well, this is issue number 3 of Atmospherics. When I started this journal I wasn't sure if it would take off. Now, I have no doubt that it will be an ongoing publication. A change in this issue is the publishing of e-mail addresses. It was suggested to me that readers may want to contact the authors. So I have published the e-mail addresses of those authors who gave permission to do so. You will notice that this issue has 4 short stories. The poetry issue was popular but I am glad to get back to a combination of stories and poetry. In coming issues I plan to add reviews to the journal. So if you have any reviews of literature to contribute please send them in. In this issue David Dowker is publishing more excerpts from his work "Machine Language", Michael McNeilley has contributed his short story, "Down to write about my father", Ginette Burgess, who primarily writes children's stories, has contributed "Who's mocking who", and the other poems and stories are up to the usual standards of Atmospherics. Thanks again for the great submissions. Since this issue will be published just before Christmas I want to wish everyone happy holidays. Thanks so much for reading and supporting Atmospherics. Atmospherics is available through anonymous FTP at: etext.archive. umich.edu; it is available on WWW at: http://moesbooks.com; it is available through Gopher at: etext.archive.umich.edu. Requests for subscriptions and submissions should be sent to: Susan Keeping (keeping@vax.library.utoronto.ca or ag351@freenet.carleton.ca) Susan Keeping, editor _________________________________________________________________ COFFEE Can't you see that I'm a puppet And my own puppeteer My black coffee silence Can be taken straight With one lump of sugary sweetness Or with two. CIRCLES I am left fragile as eggshells When my paint has gone sour like milk Drunk before my nightly jailbird escape A jailbreak back into prison I am bald in this tower with no doors Only a window nestled high between clouds Or pillows, or illusions made of glass -Enough of gold and feathers I speak of punishable uncommitted crimes And stars that turn around themselves And circles that embrace each other So close that they merge and spiral Cannot end, cannot start Dream not of each other Dream only of each other. RED Eating cranberries Bittersweet Dye my lips passion red While you spin Round and round My silken wed for me In your silver-grey thread Nevermind I prefer red. Scratching my skin Painful silence Leave my body anger red While you whisper Over and over My way down the rained out path In your rational steady voice Didn't you notice I prefer red. Speaking from my mind Splendid release Turns the air my shade of red While you refuse Again and again To hear my logic-less truth In your stubborn inflexible way I've told you before I prefer red. Ayli Lapkoff _________________________________________________________________ * * * from "MACHINE LANGUAGE" I would perpetuate this myth. The metanymph by the tousled waterfall, weeping. While calm beyond her soundshell, bees and breezes drowse, dappled with laughter. Paradoxical sleep beneath so many eyelids. Caterpillar dream in which we participate. Our paradigm poised upon an improbable joy, nimble wisdom hidden in the phenomena. Echoes through the gene-pool. Water ponders over stone, dopplers into day. Radiant agency of flesh, flowers. This consensual apparition glistens in the polarized air. * NEUROMANTIC circuits o p e n and close, supra- liminal information transfer, cellular net -work. Ovular, oracular . ore from the m i n d f i e l d transformed, cerebrospores or meta-euphoric seed in the head, swollen sun within The wind 's eye allows the honey in, heaven's s p e c t r u m splashed across the floor OR Translate this: David Dowker _________________________________________________________________ DOWN TO WRITE ABOUT MY FATHER _________________________________________________________________ I sit down to write about my father. I am told there is a contest, or an anthology, or a place to submit a story with a father as theme, and I realize I have never written a story about my father. I sit at my computer keyboard, using my word processing program, facing the dreaded blue screen instead of the long-hated blank white piece of paper. The screen is blue as the sea at Isla de las Mujeres. My father and I stand on the pier at Punta Regia. We gaze at the sunrise across the ocean, side by side, hands alike on the railing as a gull banks overhead and down into the frame. It's like a frame, as I see it. My father and I were never in such an exotic place; I can't imagine what comes next, because I can't feature us actually being in a place like that. I don't think he ever left the country, except for one border town excursion in Canada, while he was stationed somewhere in the midwest during World War II. But after all, what kind of story takes place in a Dallas suburb? I don't want to write about life in a Dallas suburb in the fifties, and no one wants to read it. And I'm a writer...I can be honest without telling the truth. The letters are white on the blue screen. It's not the tools I have to blame, if this father story doesn't work, as no attempt to sit down to write about my father has worked before. My father taught me the corollary to the old saw, "It's a poor workman who blames his tools," which, were it worded once, would probably go "If you get good tools, you won't have tools to blame." But your father doesn't always have to word things for you to learn them. So, I can save this to the hard disk, print it on the laser. My father never heard these terms, but would have been at home with them, I feel sure. He turned the basement of our home into an office after he retired, but he couldn't recreate the card playing and the bullshitting and the hanging around the coffee machine on windswept winter days that made up an office to him, so he spent little time there. But there was a big desk, file cabinets, typewriters and even a copier, and it was just so. And I see him as he sat there smoking his pipe, leaning back in his chair and looking into the distance, past the dusty weight bench, not into the mystery of hard drives and lasers, but hearing a card slap on his desk and building gin runs in his mind. We look west from Pier 54 into the sunset, watching the ferry slowly plow Puget Sound. My father's hand rests on my shoulder. The sweet burnt leaves smell of his pipe is a counterpoint to the brisk saltwater/rainstorm smell of a late spring Seattle day. A gull cuts through the frame, the film breaks, and the audience murmurs as the bright light from the projector fills the screen. A flapping sound issues from the projection booth, and as film piles up on the floor, a snoring sound is heard as counterpoint. Still not right enough to go on for a whole paragraph, although closer to home. I think my father may have been in Seattle once, and I am here now, but even without the hand on my shoulder, it would never ring true. Perhaps my father hugged me when I was very, very small, though the single story I remember he told of his and my direct interaction in my early days was much different. He struggled with the diaper, pins in mouth, wrapping it this way, then that, then folding it like a cub scout kerchief, then in a rectangle, then again like a white bird, then like a turban, a strange baby-butt turban or blind version of an Arab headpiece, as I took aim, frogged up my pink little legs and let go my most powerful stream, catching him full in the face, like a piss firehose soaking a burning house. His pipe sizzled, sputtered and died, leaving, I must suppose, an entirely inappropriate taste in his mouth. No, there's no way to make that meaningful, beyond whatever chance meaning it contains by virtue of its own inherent symbolisms. There's no way to make it serious, symbolism or not. I could never have been young enough to feel I could get away with peeing on Pop. Still, it happened, I was endlessly told, although it happened to me, too, and I didn't remember it. I remember it now, of course, remember it actually happening, but only in my imagination. The aroma of Briar Blend pipe tobacco merged with the smoke from the chimney of the little log cabin as we stood on the dock, poles in hand, watching the sun rise across the span of the Colorado lake. Trout rose to meet their breakfasts, leaving concentric circles spreading on the mirrored mountain water. Fishing line arced the sky to the lake, and larger circles spread as my dad's lure touched down 40 yards away. I climbed the spruce, desperate to pull my line loose from the lure-snatching bough, that doubled its perversity by proving too slender to hold my weight. "Son," my father said as he lifted me from among the pine needles and the ants. "That ain't no damned way to cast." I think it was my brother who first called him "Pop," and Pop he remained. He seemed to like it, and smiles in my memory around the ubiquitous pipe my memory places in the middle of his face, as he conceives himself as "Pop," head of the clan, defender against starvation, stupidity and falls from trees. Pop. Pop would never have used a lure. If the fishing regulations had stated "no bait fishing, lures only," he would have put salmon eggs on the lure hooks, stuck on a grasshopper and sprayed the whole thing with "Amos Handy's Troutaroma." Pop taught me to take chances, so as not to take chances, in the strangest ways. For some reason it seems important that there be water, but it was Texas. At least we were at the lake at some time, but with no cabin, and no dock...and I'd be still asleep, or fishing with some weird-smelling, snotty cousin, while Pop fished with Mom, or one of his sleazy brothers. How did those guys grow up with, spring from the same soil as my Pop? If Pop would use a worm on a wet fly, his brother Ernie would use a boat, a sonar fishfinder, dynamite and three kids with nets. I was often glad I had Pop to look to instead of one of my uncles, although my cousins always seemed to live in bigger houses, and have more money. We visited them in Colorado because no one would visit Texas. In Dallas suburbs, before shopping malls and air conditioning, summers were no vacation. We dig footings and frame foundations and pour concrete in the hot sun. We sweat and cuss and groan, and the work goes slowly. We swallow salt pills with quarts of water. We are too fair and too fat to remove our shirts. We build a "patio," a new word to us, then, in the middle of our back yard. We build a pipe frame above it and put a corrugated fibreglass roof on top. I am nine or so, and Practically No Help At All. In the Texas summer heat, we build a walkway from the back steps to the patio. The patio is just large enough for a picnic table and a grill. It stands a good six inches above the lawn. If subsequent owners didn't like it, they would have had to work even harder than we did to pull it up and haul it away. When we were teenagers, my friends made fun of the patio, to my seemingly endless chagrin, but at nine I loved to sit on it in the rain, on or under the table, on the deck of the Monitor or the Merrimac, steaming guns ablaze across the green sea. "Damn the torpedoes ...this patio is a foot thick!" I think, though he never mentioned it, Pop had thought someday to put a bomb shelter under the patio, having already constructed the ultimate defense against a near-direct hit; but the duck and cover days of the early cold war faded into the reality of tailfins and Elvis, and bomb shelters and swimming pools and a second story above the garage to put my mother's mother in all bleared into the economic reality that is with each of us still. We stand on the patio, gazing across the plain to the sunset, smoking our pipes, my father and I, me and my dad, me and Pop. Our shoulders almost touch as we sway to the music in our heads, I to "Nessun Dorma," he to "Satin Doll." I cough repeatedly, as I do not smoke. "That time you set the lawn on fire?" "Yeah, pop." "I laughed myself silly." "But Pop, I thought you were mad..." "I was mad. But you should have seen your grandma trying to put it out." Turns out he had watched from the window. He and grandma never got along. I had set the fire popping ants with a magnifying glass. The fire burned so low to the ground across the sere summer lawn, I never noticed it until it was too late. I think I remember grandma running with the hose, perhaps slipping on something. A flock of birds rises from trees near the horizon. They turn in the air, as if connected by wires, and head south. "I had this little white rat," Pop said. "I had this little white rat, and I called him Shorty. I was maybe your age, maybe ten. I carried him in my pocket. He ran up and down my arms, and learned to jump in my pocket all by himself, when grownups came around. "I put him on the floor, in my room, and he followed me around. He followed me out the door, and down the hall to the bathroom, and back again. "I got up one morning, and I put on my shoes, and my dad was yelling, and I was late, and I ran to the door, and I stepped back to open the door to run down the hall and quick go to the bathroom, and I stepped on him." "Kid..." Pop said, "hey kid, don't cry. You're too big to cry. Anyway, he was only a rat." Mom scattered his ashes here, years ago. It took her a year to part with them, although this is where he said he wanted to be. Vacation brings me here, to Colorado again, to this spot again, as if for the first time. You should see the sunset from here, on the mountain. Beams of sunlight cut through the white and red and orange clouds across the plains to the west, bright against the darker clouds rolling down from the north. There is a fresh hint of smoke in the air, from a campfire or a cabin down below. Through the sunshine, it is starting to rain. Colorado is funny that way, it rains in the sunshine a lot. "The devil is beating his wife," Pop used to say. The kids clamor from the back seat of the rented car. I cannot hug the mountain, the sky, the rain, the clouds, the sunset. "Daddy's crying." says little Tom. It's just the rain, I tell him. But you can hug me anyway. "I love you, Daddy," says Tom. We wait for the rainbow, and sure enough it begins to appear, rising from ground level, then fades again. Not enough light, too late for a rainbow, and we drive down the pass to town. .:McNeilley:. _________________________________________________________________ nervous cough inside they scrape their pens like crows while school crossing guards enter adulthood -wearing yellow belts to prove their maturity, the rustle of 'new woman' and the hum of dead fish animating in waves penetrates the leather silence, "It only took a minute and a half," you say, dry-mouthing an excuse of passion violet violet is my favorite color in the fall, the veins of blood seem almost excusable as the last decays of sunshine wither their tentacles into the smoothness of the road -demanding equal time as eyes meet tendons in the safety of a backward glance fetal pig choking words through a dust of chalk you tell me, "in a room where things are never as they seem, your smile has become predictable," you needn't remind me about the bleeding lines of coal and blood you drink, i know that look, it is in its nature to be forgetful - the disease will shake itself completely free until even you have forgotten who is in charge -jamie wasserman ____________________________________ blue, the moon falls ill ------------------------------- charlotte, those legs strike the ground like hammers. you... sister whore gravedigger bind my hands. i swore ide never lie to you; like this: dirty hands peel paint thick rotting teeth horsecock and magistrate... fall sarcastic child writhing molasses with infantile grace, you... moddish thief of tongues. i say: that girl laughs like dead twigs snapping underfoot, and i smoke endless chains of camels. harlot! i should have shot myself in lexington in plain view of your family, or in the dead of night, surrounded by gravestones near robert's. she asks: do you love me still? i do i do i do i do i do like seasons, some things never rot. oh she loved him so ------------------------- with a bullethole to the chest and pissing blood streaming like most exit wounds make their debuts he stumbles (and the bleeding copious) white/eyed (blood death ad nauseam) a whimper, lover! calling he she with angry eyes, spatula in hand screams: you gone and spilt yer heart all over my clean carpet! why the mess harry? why the mess? and he had hoped this would make a point concerning devotion ........... ......... ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. . bone happy ------------------- this is the season for fury. leaves from windtorn trees a million fingered confetti beast. i watch from the third floor of macy's but i am not in the heart of manhattan. i have no place in any heart broken or pierced my skull creaks now with the chiming of the clock. and my bones reduced to dust will cake the faces of millions. but i digress. hip poem in e minor -------------------------------- big arsed woman blonde and pumpin all that cotton clothed madness in the mid.day heat as i sat on holly.wood bou.le.vard drinking the sun away... it is a crime such torture ...... all words are the property of c.e. nelson copyright c.e. nelson 1994 __________________________________________________________________ "-but on the other hand, human beings in the phone system are much harder to reach in the first place." - Bruce Sterling, *The Hacker Crackdown.* WIRED There was once a person called Wilma Thearson. Wilma had worked for the *National Publicist* for twenty years, and was now in her early forties. Wilma was the sort of person who didn't have many friends, mainly because she wouldn't change her principles - or anything other - for anyone. Some called her obnoxious. Nevertheless, Wilma was a widow, and her husband had died an early death, which was someone she rarely talked about. Her friends sometimes caught her talking about him in a spiritual sense, but never dared to ask her about him, not for any reason. Now, Wilma didn't have a lot of life. But at this time everything changed for her. One of her friends asked her if she wanted to join her working nights at the municipal greenhouse (!) with small things like mending broken pots, planting flowers, et. c. Anything a greenhouse had to offer, for short, come good and bad. She accepted it, hoping it would decrease her sadness, which she almost always felt inside. One night, she met Arthur. Arthur showed to be what Wilma called "a perfect gentleman", who was in his late fifties and made her feel young again. And happy. They started going out to restaurants, and suddenly Wilma smiled when she was with her friends, telling them of what had happened on her latest meeting with Arthur. Her pessimism almost vanished. It almost was as if she were brought back to her youth's days, when there were no troubles at all. Then Arthur made her the proposal. They were getting "hitched properly", as she told her friends. There was a big ceremony, almost all of their friends attending, but only Arthur's father - their other parents were dead - came, leading him to the podium and Wilma walking by herself. They were happy, very happy. At the wedding night, after a lot of drinking, singing, dancing, et. c., Arthur carried Wilma over the threshold and they made love. Some minutes after, Arthur was excited. He was very keen on showing some kind of machine to Wilma, which was supposed to be "a blast". She waited for him to unpack some kind of strange-looking case he had under the bed, and in some way, connect it *between* the phone cable which went to the phone, standing on the bedside-table. The machine which seemed to split the cable, consisted of a box with a tube in the middle, sticking out at the edges (up and down). "Wilma, you know I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt you, now would I babe?" Arthur asked Wilma, looking at her excitedly. "I do know that, Arthur, but what's that machine for?" Wilma asked, looking awkwardly at the machine which AT&T didn't put there. "Darling, you know that I've been busy these few days before the wedding, right? I mean, except for the _normal_ absence?" "Yes?" "Well, I've been putting the finishing touches to this little machine," Arthur said, pointing to the machine. "It's going to be our own little pleasure-dome!" "Oh yeah, how?" Wilma asked, raising a brow and a corner of her mouth. "Well, I'll show you," he said, putting the machine on his side of the bed, now sitting on the floor with the machine between him and her. He suddenly inserted his right index-finger into the tube and said "Now all you have to do is to press the number I'll be telling you," at the same time as he gave her a machine, oblong, with a lot of digits and a button with an arrow on it. "But what's going to happen?" Wilma asked. "Oh, just complete pleasure," he answered, smiling wide. Wilma did what he instructed her to do, pressing the right buttons. "Now, point the controller towards the machine," he instructed her. "And press the button with the arrow on it." Wilma did so. "All we now have to do is wait." he said, smiling and sitting with his legs crossed. A minute passed. "Here it comes," he said, watching Wilma as she pulled back a little to her side of the bed. "No, nothing bad is going to happen to me, even if it looks that way--" He was interrupted by strong convulsions, his body turning straight on the spot, having spasms like an epileptic during an attack. "Arthur!" was all Wilma could say. Suddenly Arthur came to. He sat straight up, looking at Wilma as though he had slept for ten hours and not had seen her since. "It was terrific," he said, looking at her terrified eyes through his calm ones. "Nothing to be afraid of. Mixing electrical currents by adding my own machine to it, suddenly changes a person's vibration level. You feel like you could take over the universe or something! Gives you a _great_ self-confidence, anyway. I thought you'd like to try it," he said, as he climbed onto the bed, finally kissing Wilma on her mouth. "I...I..." was all Wilma could say, as she pressed her right hand to her chest, looking into Arthur's eyes with her very opened ones. "Trust me. It will take you to other worlds." he said, kissing her again. Wilma lied down, the bed and other things around her carefully put away, with her left-hand index-finger in the tube. "Don't worry," Arthur said, pressing a lot of numbers on the controller, and then, pointing it towards the machine, pressed the arrow. "That should do it, my dear! You'll feel like a queen in a matter of seconds! Nothing's too good for my lovely!" he said, smiling and caressing her face. Suddenly he looks into her eyes, and doesn't look as nice as he previously looked. His shape changes, turning into a whirl-pool of images from their wedding, the day they met, et. c. Suddenly the pictures aren't post-Arthur anymore. They reach back. Long time back. Limitlessly. Colours and shades are not of any importance anymore. She knows how the Universe is built up, and she has reached her apotheosis. Arthur is no longer of any importance. The world is hers any shred of humanity flows within her blood. Anything else stands as a speck of intelligence within her, the Earth itself is no longer any intelligence to speak of, Time isn't any problem, there are NO LAWS for her anymore. She is no longer one with the universe. She Eats the Universe-. "Hey kitten! Wake up! You've been in there for a full minute! That's enough! Anyone can't stand that much power at first! Up!" Arthur's voice came ringing out to her. Wilma suddenly felt like someone had given her a thousand-dollar-note, and then ripped it to pieces. She slapped Arthur. "You idiot! How dare you!" she howled at him, discovering nothing but the way her finger still was stuck to the machine. "Hold on! Hold on!" Arthur said, as he tried to grab her hands. "What's this? First you show me something... Something...-" "Yes..." he grabbed her hands. "You've entered a world only we two know about. I've been developing this for the last five- "But... But..." Wilma started shaking the machine like nuts, when the phone started ringing. # When Wilma woke, she saw Arthur lying in a pool of blood across the floor. She looked at her hand and couldn't see her fingers. Or the rest of her hand. Her ex. hand was covered by the tube, which had increased, becoming one with it. What we (the Netrunners) see at the screens everyday had become one of her everyday impulses. She was connected. The net had absorbed her totally. What she knew was the everyday fantasies coming directly from us, The Netrunners. Everything she had ever known became none, and her psyche became the net. She controls us everytime we think of her and vice versa. Her brain is no longer one with "the universe". It doesn't have to be "fantastic". Look at what we have and try to improve this instead of dreaming. Or shall we skip the whole idea for something new? Niklas Pivic ________________________________________________ Defi It is a catalogue I speak of, love's most pressing substitute dismantled and contained. Membrane, pelt and tendon form a plain text read with sober mind by a surgeon, translated in life to sculpture and dance, ink and silken billows. He arrives in cotton, sober as a butler . hair shorn to show the bones . appearance is useful and trivial by turns. Words fail, misunderstandings riot in the cracks I reach through them to the motion that swings through his calves, through his back appalling and perfect withdraw amid caution and confusion plunge forward. It is this sensation I sought, somewhere between the stifled laugh and the attunement dwelling in his arms. I will not cede to youth the rights of desire and requital. I find, among uncounted pauses, during which I summon from the steam and garlic of another meal a kiss, perhaps the warmth retained by a coat or smile's imprint, all teeth and merriment a buoyancy unlinked to the joke. It is dormant adolescence I recite oppressed but not effaced by setback and denial. Lust is as strong as the death occluded by these moments, for which heaven's a mere gloss. --- RESONANCE April 7, 1990 23:55 candescent plasma overturned over investment and reaving, no stasis or balance or equi librium in sigh t the properties of fluids, solids, exhalations and inspirations, musing and being 'mused' for a tricky thought, a perfect ream. picture a woman ankle deep in crumpled paper every pencil gnawed down to a nubbin, knowing and incapable of chew the the's down. eliminate the a's and hoe your own flesh for the enemy adverb, the unnecessary give entrance to the doorwarden, who is locked out. who is. pat yourself down for keys graphic shrug, the empty pockets of the universal casual I don't have them. They went missing. I lost them. Someone (there's a thought) has stolen them. They are not necessary. There is another ingress. This way to the egress, but I am already out. reagent of the c r e n e l l a t i o n. Fortress Idea. My arquebus does not fit through the slot. But do I have to? I address you: Come back. I am the one who leaves. Depart. I have no choice but to stay. I am stuck in this < >, this [ ], this horrific { }, which can be anything but your presence, saving your presence, your candescence. Allegra Sloman _________________________________________________________________ Who's mocking who There was a horrible little boy who lived next door to us. His name was Charles Wesley Tripe and he was ten years old. He used to drive my mother crazy sometimes as he was always picking on one or the other of us, her four children. It took a lot to bother my Mum and she generally loved children and always looked for the good in them. She even encouraged a little naughtiness because she thought it showed a little character. But Charlie went a bit too far sometimes. One incident that comes to mind that seemed to change Charlie for the better was when he found a snapping turtle and made it into his pet. Charlie loved to scare people and when he got this turtle it was a favourite trick to try to get someone to pat it and almost lose a finger in the process. My mother caught him trying to make our two and a half year old, Ben, touch the turtle. Charlie was holding him tight on his lap, forcing him to bend over the little fence that served as a pen for the turtle and stretching Ben's arm out so that his hand was held tight and straight right near the turtle who was about to bite. Mother had heard Ben's screams of protest and had come running from the kitchen to the large back yard. When she couldn't see him in the sandbox where she had left him she ran to the small ravine at the back of the yard where she know all the kids went to play and followed the well worn path down the hill to where she knew Charlie kept his pet turtle. It only took a minute to get there but it seemed longer to mother as she rushed to save her child from whatever was tormenting him. And there she saw Charlie sitting in the little chair beside the pen forcing Ben to pat Digby Turtle. "Charlie! Stop this instant. Let my baby go now! You horrible child! This is the last time you bother my kids. I am telling your mother right now!" My mother gathered Ben into her arms and marched back to Charlie's mother's house and into the kitchen to confront his mother with this latest incident. My mother was a professional cook and worked for Charlie's mother. Three days a week she cooked meals for them and this was one of those days. They were very well off, Charlie's parents, and the only reason we knew them or associated with them was because our house was next door and it was convenient for mother to work for people close by. My father was a salesman and away a lot. Mother needed to work "to make ends meet" as she said. This meant that I did a lot of babysitting as I was twelve years old and the oldest child, Bernie by name. When I did my paper route, my mother had to take Ben with her over to the Tripe's house so she could start dinner. This was why I wasn't on guard for Ben when Charlie decided to pick on Ben. Generally he left Ben alone as he knew Ben's older brother, me, would pulverize him if he pulled any of his tricks. Mother knew Charlie picked on others to get attention as his parents generally ignored him. He was an only child and very spoiled with toys and anything he wanted to buy. Unfortunately, when it came to needed attention from his parents he didn't get it often. This time he was going to get some negative attention. My mother told Mrs. Tripe what Charlie had been up to and how Ben had almost lost a finger. Mrs. Tripe was bothered enough to call Charlie in to apologize and she told him to "do something about that turtle! Get rid of it! Then go to your room for the rest of the evening!" My mother knew that probably Mrs. Tripe would forget what she told Charlie to do shortly after and go back to her social calendar, but at least she had made and effort to get something done. All Charlie did was give my mother a sour look a apologized sullenly and then he walked out to the ravine again. My mother wondered what he'd be up to next and so as soon as I came home from delivering the papers she called me over to the Tripes' kitchen and told me what had happened. Then she instructed me to watch Charlie secretly in the ravine and to get my two sisters, Bev and Anne, to help. She'd keep Ben in the kitchen with her. I was angry that Charlie would do such a horrible thing to a two year old and waited and watched him, trying to think of an appropriate revenge. I need not have worried as this was one time someone else got to Charlie for his evil deed. As I spied Charlie in the wood down in the ravine, I hid behind a tree near his turtle pen. He had an old axe and was throwing it at a tree stump near by. We used to do this as a game to see who could make it stay in the stump near the pile of firewood. Suddenly the axe went flying backward toward the turtle pen and "Thunk!". By some strange freak accident of fate it caught the turtle right on the neck and the head of the poor creature was severed. Charlie looked at his pet in horror. Then a look of anger, revenge and mischief came over his face. "What evil idea has he thought up now, Bernie?", I thought to myself. "You'd better watch him." I heard my mother say, "Hello, Charlie. Dinner will be ready in half an hour." "That's nice, Mrs. Connor. Hey! Look at that bluebird out there! Isn't it pretty." Of course my mother looked outside, and that's when she saw me with my finger to my lips. She looked puzzled. "I don't see anything. Where? ... Charlie? ... Oh, he's gone. Strange child. Bernie, what are you doing out there hiding on the porch? Come inside. What is Charlie up to?" "Mom, he came in here with a turtle's head. You don't think he might have ..." We both looked in horror at the soup pot. My mother picked up the soup ladle and fished around in the pot. Sure enough, there was the head floating around in the soup. "Oooooh! That horrible boy! I just thought of a great idea." With that she marched outside and disappeared down into the ravine. She was back in a minute with something in a plastic bag. "You go on back home with Ben while I finish up here." "Mother, what are you up to?" "Never you mind. Go home with our Ben." She had an evil grin on her face almost the same as I'd seen earlier on Charlie's face. When my mother got home later that evening she looked very satisfied. She had a wonderful story to tell me. She told me that Mrs. Tripe had the habit of taking a short nap before dinner and had gone in to lie on her bed. As she removed the cushions from her bed she discovered a headless turtle and screamed for Charlie. She had never heard Mrs. Tripe so angry. Charlie had to stay in his room to eat dinner for a few days. Nothing he said would make her believe it wasn't one of his tricks and that wasn't how he had planned to get rid of the turtle. Later that evening, Mrs. Tripe asked mother to send dinner up to Charlie. Mock Turtle Soup was the first dish served to him and how he screamed when he had taken a sip and then asked what it was. Mother couldn't stop laughing in the kitchen and had had to come home a little early. Charlie was much better to us after that and even admired my mum a little. I guess he knew who'd be feeding him for the next few years. Ginette Burgess c1994 _______________________________________ Let Him In The firetruck stirred up the dirt alley, its siren running out of power, and a couple suit guys told me I couldn't burn my leaves in this residential neighborhood. Most got back in the truck, but one said to me, "Lets valueless toxins in the air," before he grabbed onto the back. So I bagged up the dead things in $4.50 worth of plastic bags, and set them prettily in the front yard. Garbageman came by and took shots at them, laughing as he rolled on his route. Went in, had Lipton sweet tea, saw on every channel the news about these sanitation workers, saw the address for recruitment, so I went to the nearest Jenny Craig to sign up. All the mirrors had been taken down, all the fat people disappeared, they gave me a gun and enough bullets for 20 or 35 garbagemen, gave me a little booklet to read on how to recognize the enemy "because chances are they won't be using pine straw forks or smashing cans into the back of a truck", and I was given power over 15 men because I had an American name, a pronouncable name, and that was important in those times. I was given the hill of Bradley, then a patrol up the Redwood district where the rich people lived, where garbage was more of a myth to the eye, and four days later I could say I killed three of them. Meeting at the Lupo's Family Restaurant, as another makeshift deployment station, all the group leaders compared numbers and I won a trip to Saudi Arabia for having the most kills. While my girl, Sadie, and I were waiting in the airport, we heard the war was over, because we'd killed enough to make a point, and normal twice a week trash pick up was resumed steadily as long as I can recall. On the beach, Sadie said, "You love me, don't you?" I told her about my maudlin past life with women who couldn't see past their own love for me, and how the grains we were scooping up with our shovel feet couldn't be any closer than I felt to her, and how her hair reminded me of treasures dusty by neglect and unwillingness to touch the other large hands that wanted, needed her. She held my hand and I felt compelled to promise a love that wasn't completely mine yet, since I didn't love myself with that much vehemence, compassion; and I told a truth, that when I closed my eyes the wind was only the memory of kisses she'd strewn over my face and chest in the luxury of passion, and she said closely, "I'm pregnant." "When?" I asked. I scooped at the sand, looking at my arm. "You mean will it be?" And she told me her due date, like she was some milk carton or something, and we left for the states right then because I knew who the father was going to be. I got a job at a stereo wholesaler's, and brought home a plastic player that played huge grooved records, and we continued to make love until she got too fat, so that my sperm was mixed with his, and perhaps I could salvage something. I began smoking because Sadie couldn't anymore, and we painted the baby's room in smoke grey so he, and we knew from the doctor what to expect, could get used to the world right away, and after my first raise in three months, we could afford a second coat and minute track shoes for the life. Sadie, in her tenth month, was in one of her emotional rants when I came home from a cigarette run, and kept spouting off about garbagemen and how could I not care, and didn't I know how it felt to be a human egg that's not special from any other mother hatchery in the world, and didn't I love her less for not being the man who met her egg, the father. I slapped her easily, lovingly, with a care that I hadn't felt before. I shook her so that I got an erection, which I tried to force her hand down to, to show us both the proof. The wonder of blind committment. She stopped crying and began to scream, and I knew the baby finally decided something. There was an ambulance two minutes from my phone call, and it was great the way Sadie kept screaming, I was so proud of her for it. I told her so. She was loaded carefully so she wouldn't break and put in next to three others. Only she screamed. She only made it to the lobby when my son wanted out, and the visitors in tweed-covered chairs were repulsed by the smell and yells and blood rivers that forced them from their sad seats and whatever usual life stories drove them on for the moment's seclusion. My son was much like a calf in those western movies, stories you hear of, and because he was turned around in the womb, he was no good. Sadie died. But that was obvious because of the blood, and the long time she waited to get rid of a lot. She held it all in and now it took her with it. Because it was no good the lobby doctor offered to throw it away, but I said it was half mine, and that I wanted a prayer alone with it. I took it back home, wrapped him in a lovely rug Sadie had liked when she could smile, and understand, and laugh at serious things I said, said to make her feel those emotions. I told my son about my life, my duty, my emotional outlook on life, now that he wasn't mine anymore. And I walked out into the front yard. Sitting him on the couple large and black Glad bags, I gave him back to the garbageman. Ben Ohmart _________________________________________________________________ Appearing in this issue: After 17 years in the work force, Allegra Sloman is now interacting with western civilizardization in Greater Montreal, as a housewife and mother of two. Her interests are so diverse that an accurate representation of them wouldn't be useful, and it would not describe the smells emanating from her kitchen or her very loud laugh. A truncated list of interests follows: anarchism, sf, pestering friends & relatives to get email addresses, and staying warm. dunciad!argella@smegheads.montreal.qc.ca _________________________________________________________________ Ayli Lapkoff: I'm a high school student who has been writing poetry since I was eight years old. Recently, two of my poems, "Fraud" and "Midnight Sideshow" were published in "GraffitiFish." I hope this is okay. If not just let me know. I hope to hear from you soon. Ayli. av841@freenet.carleton.ca _________________________________________________________________ David Dowker * Continuing with "Machine Language." Hope to have complete on-line version available in the not-too-distant future. Collaboration on SF novel seems to be becoming and other projects remain projected. david.dowker@canrem.com _________________________________________________________________ "jamie wasserman has a chapbook due to be released by big easy press in february. he is a baltimore poet attending school in virginia. he has had several poems published over the net and in local baltimore literary mags. he is in love for the first time with jeanne marie clair." jwasserm@s850.mwc.edu _________________________________________________________________ c.e. nelson is 27 and resides in gainesville florida. please direct all email replies to: bukowski@dkeep.com more works by nelson are available upon request. _________________________________________________________________ Michael McNeilley is editor of the Olympia Review; was Founding Director of the National Student News Service; worked as a reporter and correspondent in Washington, DC; and has published poems and stories in New Delta Review, Red Dancefloor, Poet, Gypsy, Hyphen, Minotaur, Chicago Review, Slipstream, Silent Skies, Poetry Motel, Stet, Lilliput Review, Bouillabaisse, Tight, Writers' Forum, Rockford Review, xib, Exquisite Corpse and elsewhere worldwide. mmichael@halcyon.com _________________________________________________________________ Ginette Burgess is the mother of 3. She lives in Sudbury, Ontario with her husband and children, she writes children's stories in her rare spare time. _________________________________________________________________ Niklas Pivic _________________________________________________________________ Ben Ohmart "I've had stories accepted by LOTS of zines from AArtvark to X-Ray".. _________________________________________________________________