=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The Past Revisited ------------------ I haven't done this in quite awhile. Things have changed so much in the last month. The girl I wanted so badly to like me in return does, yet I am not satisfied. The girl I was so marvelously infatuated with does not even bring a smile to my face any longer. I don't really seem to need any female support to keep me upright. Seems like these days I feel like I'm fading away. Maybe I am afraid that I don't want to develop a relationship with someone I really care about because I will lose them next year when I attend Western Reserve Academy. It really is quite scary. I'll be separated from everyone and everything that I love. I don't know why that scares me so much. I really don't care about too many people. I feel like a shadow in my own world. Relationships that used to prosper are down in the doldrums. Girlfriends of the former have gone straight, renounced their cyberpunk garb. They have became the uniform straights that inherit the Earth. I spoke with them today. I was nearly overwhelmed by the immensity of their minds that had been shattered and disillusioned by perhaps the commercialism or perhaps the competition that has arisen on the Internet. It's just all a dark cloud of evil and betrayal, lies, and corporate denial. I lost someone else that I very much enjoyed my friendship with for another stupid error. Just had to use my idiocy to break up another great relationship. Had to insult one of those whose personality I very much enjoyed, and whom hates my guts savagely now. Not much I can do about it. There probably is, I'm just too lazy. Maybe. I just spoke to my grandfather that lives out in Colorado. I tried to humor him a bit. Sometimes I feel that elders of the society feel a bit downtrodden and downcast in today's world of technology and information. The gods and contemporary values that they modeled their lives after are by day being destructed by the malefactors of society. Sometimes I wish I lived in a simple era. Something like the thirties. Maybe the economy was slow, but the heartbreak and turmoil in lives was so much less. I'm not sure how I know this. I'm not sure really.. about anything. Leave me alone. That's what I want to say alot of the time to everyone. I wake up and I'm fucking tired. But I drag myself out of a hellacious nights sleep and throw myself into some clothes and make a dash out of the door trying to make it to the clang of a bell. I'm a trained negro, in the words of Ice Cube. And hell, I'm not even black. I guess I am special. I also understand that I have accomplished much. I see that I have had many things to be proud of this year. Constantly I try to renew my interests in a variety of subjects and to keep abreast of developments that are under way in all aspects of my life. I invested in a book on organizing my personal life. Works pretty well. Seems like it'd work. Lots of things seem that way. It'll take time to put the theory into practice. Proactivity is a tough course to take, and tougher one to pass. "She's tired and lonely, scared and depressed." Yup. She keeps losing the one's she loved too. I remember the days the two of us were together. But now it seems like every tie I had to her is severed and lost in the cybernetic void that is the Internet. Her boyfriend is being investigated, seems like he's taking the path of outlawish tactics, much like the others she so cleverly manipulated into loving her. She still brings a smile to my face. This girl that likes me says she is going to commit suicide. She has the perfect life. I tell her she is fucking stupid. Maybe I contribute to her apathy for herself. I don't even care. I want to go back to the way things were but I want to go on as well. I want to put the skeletons of the former me far away. Never to be found. I'm glad I got this out. -dropcomm =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". 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