=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= It Was Only a Nightmare ----------------------- It is one of those surreal days again. I'm driving around yet I don't quite feel alive. It is like I'm in a semi dream state or maybe you could say I was half awake. Course I just got nine hours of decent sleep and didn't drink the night before so the dream effect came as a surprise. These type of days get me think about life and what the hell I'm doing. At the time I was heading to the grocery store but life was telling me something only I couldn't figure what it was trying to say. It is another one of those days where I say to myself that maybe I'm just having a nightmare. Or perhaps I bumped my head and I'm in a coma. Pretty soon I will wake up, or someone will wake me, and I will be six years old again. Yep, I will be six and will have just awaken from a bad nightmare. And in a few hours, as I head off to preschool, I will have forgotten all about the nightmare. However, it is hard to imagine forgetting about a twenty-one year nightmare. It is one of those days where you want to rewind the clock and start over. Six sounds like a good age so I guess that is the time frame my mind puts me waking up. I wouldn't call it nostalgia because I don't "yearn for the old days." I tend to believe it is the parental security and the idea that I can start over. Too change my life and to do some things differently. Kind of like the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray where he repeated the day over and over again. Each day he tried something different and by trial and error he finally got things "right." In the end he became a better person and more importantly got to see the results of his actions he wouldn't normally have tried. That gets me thinking that maybe there are too many choices to be made these days. Ever see the movie THX 1138? Briefly it is a movie where all your choices are made. It is big government ruling at an extreme. In fact they go to such an extreme that your wife is chosen for you. How is that for making some of life's tough decisions a little easier? The little guy in me wants to wake up six years old again have some of those tough decisions off his shoulders and be able to do things a little differently. If everyone wanted an easier life something like the movie THX 1138 would be the result. Some people might even argue that things are already getting that way. Or that whiners like me, who are indecisive, are getting all these horrible laws passed which allow the government to make too many decisions for us already. Perhaps some day the George Lucas world will become more real then we can or would like to imagine. Unfortunately, though I can relate to movies better then the real world outside my door, I have to accept the fact that reality is the here and now; not twenty-one years ago nor several hundred year in the future like in THX 1138. I won't be waking up today or any day as a six year old thinking about the nightmare I just had. In a way it is a good thing that I can't or won't be going back to being six because I don't know if I could do High School and College again even if I did do things a little differently. Plus there have been a few tough decisions I've made during my limited years. Maybe, given a second chance and knowing the results, I wouldn't make the same choices I've made in the past. Choices that have not only affected my life but have touched a few others as well. So my desire to start over is more of an ideal that I would perhaps be better off today by having made other choices then I did. I have yet to find my purpose in life and something keeps telling me I missed a turn somewhere along the road twenty-one or so years ago. Physically or mentally I'm told I need go back and find the road untaken. When I do perhaps I will learn why it is, was, or could have been such an important part of my life. Out Of Time, Pallbearer =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". 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