=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Why I Stayed ------------ Many times I've been asked by friends (guys and girls) why females stay with guys that treat them like shit. It wasn't until recently that I fully understood something - that once again I was staying with a guy that was treating me like shit, or at least not the way that I should be treated. One of the things I noticed within the many files of F.U.C.K. is that a few guys have taken the time and voiced their opinion about why they think and what they think they can do in regards to why girls stay with guys that are jerks. And, this file is partially dealing with that same issue. However, from the point of view of the girl that stayed with the guy that treated her like shit. I've been through a lot in my life. I don't want pity or sympathy, but that is a fact of my life - it's never been that easy for me. However, I am not complaining, just letting you know more of where I am coming from on all of this ... A little over three years ago, I started going to chat, and I fell in with a group of people that quickly accepted me into their group of friends and made me feel very welcome. It was not that long after that a friend of mine introduced me to a friend of his, that he thought I'd get along with great. J. ended up coming up and visiting me, but he brought a friend with him. That friend, had a live-in girlfriend at the time, but that night when we all met, that didn't really seem to matter that much, because we flirted just the same. J. and I didn't click at all face to face - for numerous reasons. However, the friend and I did - wonderfully! As time went by, the friend got rid of his live-in girlfriend. They had grown apart, etc. And, at that time he admitted that he had had feelings for me since the first time he had ever seen me. That one night so long ago, he started to like me, and knew for sure he wanted me in his life forever. Years went by and we were best of friends, I was totally open and honest with him, and shared the most parts of my life with him, more than I had ever done with anyone else before, including the various guys that I dated throughout that time. It is only now, after finding out that he has lied to me for the last year or so, about how he felt for me, what he wanted for 'us' and everything else that I really realize now, that I was nothing more for him then a simple convince. Someone that he could call up and talk with whenever he wanted, I'd drop whatever else was going on, and talk with him. If I was tired, it wouldn't matter I'd still talk. When he came and saw me the last time, he treated me like a COMPLETE princess, bought and paid for everything and we were able to do whatever I had wanted to do! I was on cloud nine! However, little did I know that his promise of returning within the next six months would not happen, nor did I really think much of it when he somehow 'forgot' my 21st birthday, even though he had remembered every day that we had talked until that day. Whenever he wanted things worked out, he would get his way. Now that I look back on it, it's very sickening. Then a couple of months ago, things started to change, and I started to call him once in a while, instead of just waiting for him to answer my pages, which would sometimes take up to a few days.. because he was "so busy". Finally, after numerous talks, something had to change that last week, I had had it. Having talked with a few friends of mine, and finding out that he had been telling them the very same thing though the only difference it was about them, instead of him and I ... and I confronted him again about something of the sort, which of course he denied, I couldn't take it anymore. So, last night I called him and said good-bye to him, one final time. He supposedly never wanted to hurt me, he never wanted to make me feel like a luxury - but maybe that is how he looked at it. Maybe he was trying to get me mad at him, etc ... that's what he thought might have happened. But the thing was, that I had told him, and everyone else knows, if you don't shoot straight with me, you're not going to stay in my life. And, I had kept him in my life way longer than I should have, that's for sure! The times we'd talk and the days that we didn't I'd get more and more emotional, and things kept seeming more and more wrong. Though, whenever we talked, I thought things would be fine. I had been through enough relationships to know that this one was headed for trouble. Now, we never committed, but when you talk about yourself and someone in the sense that he and I talked about 'us' there is a certain level of trust or commitment made. The kind of commitment you wouldn't refer to two girls the same way at the same time as. Why did I stay with him and put up with everything for so long? Because, I kept thinking that things could be different ... and that maybe I just needed to wait things out. But, you know what? Nothing was going to change. And, I got sick of waiting around for 'someday' to finally come. I lived three years of my life, waiting for 'someday' to come, only to have my heart and life totally shattered, I am through waiting like that again, only to end up broken in the end. So finally I said good-bye and get out of my life. When your gut tells you things aren't right, they aren't right. When you find yourself thinking one thing while alone, and not being able to stand your ground when that one is around, things aren't right. When it's really right you don't lose yourself, instead you share yourself and the other person shares themselves with you, and together you become two that are so much more complete and more whole than ever before. Why I stayed, I hope to never repeat again. And, I hope if you are staying because you think things will change or get better, you realize it a lot sooner than later - and get out. Remember, there is no angel that will lend her hand down to you and help you get out, you need to do it yourself and those that truly care will support you. Even if there is no one that will support you, deep down in your heart you will know you are finally doing the right thing and not stay. -Kamira January 24th, 1998 Please note: That staying in bad relationships doesn't necessarily mean just romantic/sexual ones. Friendships and other types of relationships, or ones that are somewhat borderline (like the one I am talking about above) can be just as damaging to you and your life, if you don't get out. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back = = issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK = = FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids = = FTP.GIGA.OR.AT/pub/hackers/zines/FUCK = = FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK = = WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho = = http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html = = http://www.simunye.com/fuck = = http://www.dis.org/se7en/fuck = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=