=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= No Second Thoughts ------------------ If at one time I would start to write as thinking, it would be writing too fast and without course. I sit, throwing my random mind onto paper, the ash growing longer all on its own. Pictures, pointless, nothing to do with my current pattern of thought. Drawing a blank. It happens to the best...or so I've told myself. I want to believe that it's true, on the coincidence that it happens to me. If I can just convince myself, it easily, naturally, becomes truth. No second thoughts. Shaking, I throw my ash to its appointed dish. Throwing any thoughts. Scribbling them onto the parchment of a supportive friend, I make no progress because my thoughts never cease. If my hand could keep up it would make no sense; random words slipping themselves in and out of phrases, destroying their meaning. But as prescribed, I continue. I clean it off but it falls into chaos. I try to fix, but it only gets worse. They tell me I'm smart, but a truly smart person cannot fail. They see their mistakes before they make them, and they prevent them. They tell me my standards for myself are too high, but if they are set by me, why shouldn't I be able to reach them? I only have one goal: I want to know everything. If I can know everything, I cannot fail. I cannot forget. I do. I do. It gets lazy. I learn but I cannot always use, so it fades. I know so little. Never look at the goal before you reach it. You will always be shown two things: The fact that you have not yet reached it, and just how far you are from it. Every day I search, I watch, I learn. Every day I get farther from my goal. Everyone but me makes everything that I use at my own expense. I just don't have the equipment, I tell myself, but someone had to make that equipment, using equipment, which they had to have the equipment to make. Even if I knew how to make it, I would still be where I am. Sad, because there is still something that I do not know how to do. I can figure out anything if I just think, but I am confident in the track I take - even when that track is wrong. I do not consider all of the options. I try to bend my chosen option, but it will not bend. Everyone fails, or so I'm told, but I do not want to be everyone. I want to be the one that sets the standard of accomplishment, then exceeds that standard to a greater degree than does anyone else. My hand tires of steering the pencil, but my mind races on, having had more practice at it's trade, and needing no muscles to control it. It does the controlling. What controls my brain? I do. And I can fail. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = Questions, Comments, Bitches, Ideas, Rants, Death Threats, Submissions = = Mail: jericho@dimensional.com (Mail is welcomed) = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = To receive new issues through mail, mail jericho@dimensional.com with = = "subscribe fuck". If you do not have FTP access and would like back = = issues, send a list of any missing issues and they will be mailed. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = AnonFTP FTP.DIMENSIONAL.COM/users/jericho/FUCK = = FTP.SEKURITY.ORG/pub/zines/fucked.up.college.kids = = FTP.DTO.NET /pub/zines/fuck = = FTP.ETEXT.ORG/pub/Zines/FUCK = = WWW http://www.dimensional.com/~jericho = = http://www.reps.net/~krypt/fuck.html = = http://www.simunye.com/fuck = = http://www.dis.org/se7en/fuck = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= = (c) Copyright. All files copyright by the original author. = =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=