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                                hoe issue #119

                     >> "how to get chicks: the faq!" <<

                             by -> swisspope

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1) How do I get chicks?

        Listen to glam rock and adopt the image and the lifestyle.

2) Why do glam rock dudes get chicks?

        They are many reasons why glam rock dudes get chicks. They are
happy, they are secure, they have adorable smiles, they are talented
musicians, they have long hair, and last but not least, they know how to
_party_down_.

3) Aren't there consequences of partying down?

        Yes, you might become an alcoholic.

4) What famous glam rock dude and television actress have maintained
successful marriage?

        Eddie Van Halen and Valerie Bertinelli.  Valeria Bertinelli of
course was the most loved teenage actress of the 1970's, and possibly of
all time.  As you can see, Eddie Van Halen is a lucky mother fucker.  We
can therefore attribute his success to being a glam rock dude.

5) I am already a glam rock dude, but I want my relationship to last.

        According to the Lifetime television special, "Intimate Portrait
of Valerie Bertinelli", Eddie says that it is important for both
partners to be _comfortable_ with each other, _communicate_, and have a
relationship built around a strong emotional _support network_. If you
simply keep these goals in mind, your relationship should turn out just
fine.  If you get dumped, you were going out with a dumb bitch in the
first place and you should be happy you came to your senses.  You simply
cannot lose.

6) What is some good music to make out to?

        Bon Jovi's _New_Jersey_.
        Whitesnake's _The_Only_Road_I_Call_My_Own_.
        Van Halen's _1984_.
        Poison's _Flesh_&_Blood_.
        Led Zeppelin's _IV_.
        Judas Priest's _She's_In_Love_.

7) Should I affect a Australian accent to aid in pick up lines?

        Although several glam rock dudes hail from "the land down
under", one does not need to be foreign to be an effective "babe
magnet."

        So if you do not already have a Australian accent, do not
pretend that you do.  Be yourself!

8) Why do glam rock dudes get chicks and heavy metal dudes do not?

        The average person might not be able to distinguish between a
glam rock dude and a heavy metal dude.  There is a difference.  A glam
rock dude has a certain smile, way of parting his hair, and twinkle in
his eyes.  The only distinguishable feature of a heavy metal dude is a
cashed look in his eyes which more or less says "I did not get laid last
night, instead I got drunk and drove through cemeteries in my truck,
trying to turn over gravestones."

9) Do I need a leather jacket?

        Yes, otherwise you will be laughed at!  It also helps to have
one or two dangling earrings in the _left_ ear.  Remember that the more
you can out "glam" the rest, the more chicks you will get!

10) I have heard that glam rock dudes have special pheromones that help
    them attract women.

        We are looking into this.

11) Will glam rock ever die?

        No.  An organization called the Foundation To Keep Glam Rock
Alive was founded in the early 1990's when it was suspected that glam
rock might die when MTV stopped playing Poison videos and started
playing Pearl Jam.  To join, e-mail: glamrock@hotmail.com.

        Special note to swingers: The FTKGRA has an annual convention in
Bismarck, North Dakota.  It is an excellent place to party down!

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   * (c) HoE publications.  HoE #119 -- written by swisspope -- 6/11/97 *