'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!! ##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: =========================================== ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #315 !! #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !! ##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: =========================================== ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Reject" !! ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Phairgirl !! ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/6/98 !! !!========================================================================!! I have decided that maybe I should try to become a vegetarian again. I don't really know what sparked this. Maybe it's because, for the past week and a half, all I've been eating pretty much is salad and cottage cheese. Occasionally, a potato. But I think I've only eaten red meat once in that entire time. This is not like me. My first reaction is, who is inhabiting my body and WHERE THE HELL DID I GO? But the more I think about it, the more clearly I see the true culpritsin my haze of rash change: Catalina Dressing and Fake Baco's. I've always hated salad dressing; I've always just eaten a pile of rabbit food. However, my mom bought a bunch of Salads In A Bag, and they looked rather bland, so I thought, what the hell? It's fat free, why not try some freaky new dressing. Surprise! Yummy! So I made my usual salad consisting of lettuce, shredded carrots and cheese, Fake Baco's, and some Catalina dressing. After the first three bowls, I thought to myself, who needs other food? I'll just eat salad for the rest of my natural born life. Catalina dressing is only $2.39 a bottle, and I can get lettuce and my usual toppings free at work. And suddenly, the thought of becoming a vegetarian crossed my mind. But I did NOT want to take the Fake Baco's out of the mix! They're so CRISPY. They add such a lovely FLAVOR and TEXTURE. I couldn't mess with perfection. Not now; now that I had discovered the Perfect Food. So I ran like a bitch in heat to read the label of those wonderful morsels of glory. SOY!!!!! Ahh, soy, my new best friend; how I love thee. How DO they make soy taste like bacon? How do they make soy taste like ANYTHING? Alas, these questions are best saved for later -- MUCH later. After a few more salads. But then another thought crossed my mind... did I really want to become one of those scary Politically Correct vegetarian BASTARDS that I so much love to hate? Oh, this is where the story becomes a bit more complicated. I began to be reminded of the reasons why I did not want to EVER become a vegetarian. Reason #1 ========= I hate farm animals. I believe cows, pigs, and chickens die to be eaten for a reason; because they do not deserve to live. I HATE THEM -- living. Once they are dead and on the chopping block, then they are OK. But MAN... I really hate cows. This, I believed, would be the hardest reason for me to overcome. Reason #2 ========= I hate Politically Correct Bastards. The LAST person I wanted to become was one of those Veggie Burger Eatin' Hippie Rejects. I didn't want to turn in to Alison, the girl who I worked with at Wendy's who complained every time someone ordered a sandwich. She really, REALLY pissed me off. And once I go that road and become PC, what's going to stop me from telling sexist, racist, and religious jokes? Will I completely lose my sense of humor? This reason was tough, but everyone thinks I'm a hippie anyway. Besides, I'm not the preachy type, and as long as I stay off the hard drugs, I should be able to control myself from turning into That Which I Hate. Reason #3 ========= I am a meat pimp. I sell burgers and chicken for a living. I will be a walking, talking hypocrite until the day I decide I am "too good" for pimpin' and get a real job. I could live with that one. I'm already a hypocrite. Reason #4 ========= Thanksgiving turkey. KFC. Sausage and pepperoni pizza. Fast food. Deer sausage. Chicken and Cheese Quesodillas from Perkins. Oh, it all seemed so easy up until this one. I live on Chicken and Cheese Quesodillas. What else is there to eat at Perkins? Mozzerella sticks? The more I mulled this all over in my mind, the more I wanted another salad. *crunch* mmmmmmmmm... THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT THE SALAD TELLS ME NO MORE MEAT THE SALAD TELLS ME-- I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD I WILL LISTEN TO THE SALAD THE SALAD IS MY PERSONAL SAVIOR EAT THE SALAD EAT THE SALAD ...no more meat for me. !!========================================================================!! !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #315 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 12/6/98 !!