[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #628 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "HOE Warzzz" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by RottenZ 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 5/9/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Did you know that there is a new Star Wars film coming out? There is! On May 19th, be prepared to use the force as film genius George "American Graffiti" Lucas unleases The Phantom Menace on an unsupsecting public! Until then, I've written a helpful and informative guide to let you, the reader, get to know some of the new (and old!!!) characters. I've done this by comparing them to HoE/#e-zine personalities, so that maybe you'll have a better understanding of where these dynamic and often deep characters are coming from! Qui-Gon Jinn (pronounced Kwai-Gon): This masterful jedi has both the skill and wisdom to teach his young pupil Obiwan Kenobi the ways of the force! But will he be able to help Queen Amadalia and the Senate overcome the menacing Trade Federation? Qui-Gon Jinn, of course, is reminiscant of NO ONE, because NO ONE is a hero in any of the above categories. Most of us are sniveling jerks who are so bloated with self import that it's a wonder we don't pop! Qui-Gon has given up his life to train for a cause that he purely believes in. Which one of us would do that? I'll tell you who. NO ONE. Obiwan Kenobi: A young jedi faced with a puzzling future. Should he take this boy, Anakin under his wing and train the lad himself, or should he complete his own training and turn him over to someone much wiser? But wait! He needs to survive this menacing battle with the new Darth Sideous first, doesn't he? I believe that I myself most fit the mold of Obiwan. I'm young, brash, not trained or honed, and enjoy trying to subvert young boys to my powerful will, only to have them turn on me at a later time, striking me down, only making me stronger. Also, I'm a very sexy young man, as is Ewan McGregor, so... there you go. Anakin Skywalker: Ah, poor Anakin. The force is strong with him, but this cute little 9 year old boy is doomed with a destiny so dark that it overshadows the burning sun. Perhaps if Obiwan weren't so foolish he would turn out to be a great savior of the force. Under the careful guidance of Jedi Master Yoda, he could lead in a new age of glory to the galaxy. Sadly, we all know that this is not to be. The role of Anakin is played by Quarex. He's cute enough, sure, and maybe even a bit funny, and he seems harmless, although you can see flashes of brilliance within him. One day soon, however, he will finally find that one corrupting influence, and all hell will break loose. He already looks about as attractive as Darth Vader, so once he concentraits his powers on good instead of evil, he'll probably control the galaxy AND crush windpipes with his mind, or the possible equivilent thereof. Queen Amadalia: A young, beautiful queen, caught up in the struggle of her life. Her empire is falling victim to the viscious Trade Federation, and all that she has been set to lead is crumbling around her. All she has to help her is a few scant jedi and a mysterious boy who will one day become the most evil creature in the world. Meenk reminds me of the young queen, since she's the member of HoE who, in their picture, was wearing the most make up. The young queen often dresses oddly and wears too much make up, and so does Meenk. The young queen also often notices profound insights in the smoke of her cigarette. Jar-Jar Binks: Ah Jar-Jar, the poor gungan who's been kicked off of Naboo for being the very clumsiest of his rabbit-frog species. When he joins up with a couple of jedi in a quest to save the galaxy, zany antics are sure to insue! Jar-Jar = Swisspope. He's clumsy, has floppy parts, and is generally the lovable outcast. Whenever he's around, some sort of hilarious, zany antic will be sure to occur. And he's also very fucking annoying. Senator Palpatine: You know and love him as The Emporer, dreaded leader of the Empire. But back in "the day", Palpatine was just one of those smiling gladhands that slowly let the galaxy get plunged into war after war, all the while setting himself up to take over and become an ugly, ugly old man sitting in a very high backed chair. Clearly, Palpatine should be played by Crank/Lifelike. Right now, there are only subtle hints of the unmitigated, twisted evil that is to come, and she, together with Quarex, will soon move to take over everything, molding it in their own dark images. Mace Windu: One of the heads of the jedi council was created purely so Samuel L. Jackson could have a part in it. He's loud, he's black, and he's one tough jedi son of a bitch. He is wise and will kick your ass. Mogel is just like Mace Windu. As our leader of HoE, he created it purely so he could get laid. He's loud, he's black, and he's one tough jedi son of a bitch. Yoda: A little muppet with a man's hand up his butt. He's also the wisest character on the whole planet of Corescunt. Everyone knows Yoda. Everyone knows Yoda is wise. Kyusaku/Shadow Tao is Yoda. He always despenses cryptic wisdom. He is green. And he is more than likely made of plastic. Darth Maul is the the funky looking guy that isn't in the movie as much as you thought he would be. He kicks some Qui-Gon and Obiwan ass for the Trade Federation and the evil Darth Sideous. In the HOE version of the movie, Darth Maul would be played by TPP, since he strikes quickly and visciously. The problem here is that Maul seems to be at least somewhat wise and skilled, and TPP is none of those things. So I'll give Darth Maul to Aster, as he parlays a sort of "controlled chaos" that only 6 year old girl can emulate. Darth Sideous is seemingly the "man behind it all". Evil to the core, with a strange similarity to Senator Palpatine. Is he the head of the dangerous Trade Federation? IS HE SENATOR PALPATINE? One thing is for sure, he is working against the Jedi and wants to bring them all DOWN! Once again, see Crank. Or Drew. Basically, Darth Sideous is a Crank/Quarex half-breed. CP30 and R2-D2: Everyone knows of these lovable droids! They're in all the movies! Jamesy and AIDS are these two, since they're annoying, overly whiny, and, most importantly, clearly gay. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #628 - WRITTEN BY: ROTTENZ - 5/9/99 ]