[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #694 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "Dubuque" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by Big Daddy Bill 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/18/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] Well, well, well... I've waited a long time to do this. I finally get to make fun of my hometown, Dubuque, and I even get a grade on it. This is sweet. Once upon a time, this French guy was boating along the river called the Mississippi. He then came across a bunch of stupid Indians, lit the water on fire and made them worship him. This French guy's name was Julien Dubuque. So he made all the stupid Indians build crap for him, like buildings, and when Julien died they made a monument on top of this cliff-- but not before he invited all his French friends over. So they built this town from Indian structures, and then all the French people died or something because there are only a handful of French people in this town nowadays, thank God. All these white southerners said, "Gee golly! It shure iz hot up here," and started mindlessly wandering up north, where they found all the Frenchmen sweating away building the town. The southerners approached and said, "Y'all got some land?", and the French people said, "It will cost you mo-nay." So the southerners gave them a horse and it was settled. But then the southerners started having kids, and soon the town was massive, and nobody was French anymore, but they were stupid. Then the industry boomed, we hired a bunch of lazy cops, and here we are today... once French, now mid-western-southern. As much as I hate this town, which is based on old people mind you, I cannot help but think that it is a good place to raise a family. The crime rate is proportionately low, compared to other small cities, and there are plenty of McDonald's and other fast food restaurants to feed our need to be fat where teenagers can work, if you can crush their pride enough. But the simple fact remains that this town bites, and there is absolutely nothing to do here except go to the mall and shop for clothing and eat. At least you can always eat. I've lived here for 80% of my life, and I still don't know where most of the main streets are. And why is our name so freaking unpronounceable? Dubuque, sounds like Da-puke or Da-buke. Why does everyone think Dubuque is in Jersey, anyway? The citizens are absolutely, mind-numbingly stupid. I can't stand the way people drive. And what is with all the freaks and psychos that roam the streets? Just yesterday, my mother and I were sitting in the car down on Main Street when a man walked in front of us, stopped and listened for a few seconds, then pointed at our car and started screaming. He then turned and walked away, like nothing ever happened. Just go down to Main Street sometime and sit for a few minutes. Or better yet, take our fine public transportation system for one hour. You'll be amazed. Speaking of busses, the passengers aren't the only ones who are oddities of nature. I had a bus driver one time make a simple comment on the weather, pick up a Styrofoam cup, and started choking and hacking on his own spit until he splurted it out into the cup, where he set it down and started talking about the Super Bowl. I was scared. I can say this town sucks, and that nothing is ever going to develop here, but at least there aren't very many murderers... that the cops know about. Or whatever. God, I hate this town. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c)!LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #694-WRITTEN BY: BIG DADDY BILL-6/18/99 ]