[--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #799 `888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8 888 888 888 888 888 "The Advice Letter Project" 888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 888 888 888 888 888 " by The HOE Staff 888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 8/22/99 o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] This is a special compilation issue. All of the HOE writers were asked to write another HOE writer a special "letter of advice" of some sort. The specific nature (such as length, content, direction, and purpose) were left completely open. These selected writers were chosen by RANDOM, using a dandy PERL script that Jamesy whipped up. Since some of the writers didn't use conventional indicators for whom they were writing to, I stuck an ugly header at the top of each letter indicating the author and recipient. You know, I didn't think HOE could possible create a compilation file to match the pointlessness and stupidity of what's been done already, but I was wrong. This is really fucking stupid. I had no idea the kind of worthlessness this project might produce. -- Mogel [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Jubjub FROM: Caitlin deodorant. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Daisy FROM: Aster asters are better than daisies. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Teerts FROM: Isaac You can do drugs, you can do school, but you can't do both. Choose school. Drink Pepsi Cola. Pepsi One only have ONE calorie! Never awaken. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Mr A Jim FROM: Jubjub You should stop eating all meat, dairy, eggs, other animal products, stop wearing leather/fur, and stop using products that have been tested on animals. Once you have adopted a vegan lifestyle you will become more in tune with your own body, animals, and the earth in general. Good luck! [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Unrelated FROM: RottenZ Dear Unrelated, Your craftmanship, when it comes to the conception and execution of an e-zine article, is uncompared in the modern age. However, I'd advise that you read Meenk's work, and strive to be more like her. Remember, Unrelated, Meenk is life. - Jon [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: RottenZ FROM: AltRocks To The Reader: Ok, so I had to write this advice thingie for hoe. And I got one of the worst match-ups in history. So much for Faith in PERL. I hardly ever see RottenZ in the channel and I'm much too lazy to go back thru the archive and read his files. I certainly wouldn't want somebody to judge me on my t-files... after all, they're crap ! Anyway, so I decided to write a general list of advice for anyone. Wear sun screen. Ah, fuck it, just don't go out in the sun. Don't trust women. And if you do trust women, then always keep money aside where they can't find it and don't know about it. Keep a high standard of hygiene. Never take IRC seriously. If it smells like shit, and looks like shit, it's probably shit. Going under 20 does not constitute a complete stop. Having a fake ID saying you're 22, while good for getting drunk, is often not helpful when picking up 16 year old girls. Listen to that voice in the back of your head... unless it's more than one voice, of if it tells you to kill your parents. Stay away from the brown acid. If a powerful ethereal being asks you if you're a god, say, "Yes." But trust me on the sun screen. Hey, what'd you expect ? I don't exactly have a lot of advice. Ehh.. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Aster FROM: Seaya Dear Aster: I advise you to have a dose of reality in your work and life. Princesses, all caps, repeated sayings get tired after a while. Why don't you come out about your real self and stop being silly. I'm starting to believe you don't really exist. -Seaya [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Mogel FROM: The Jester dear moggie, so. j00 want advice. ok, here goes, fellah. firstly, do a fuckload of drugs in your short sweet life. most people understand the goodness of this, but some people haven't yet realized this. so, yeah, do drugs motherfucker. make other people do drugs, too. next, and almost as important, is the need to commit suicide at the age of 65. i mean, god, your life is already over. all you to look forward to is smelling like an old person, you know? no one will give a shit about you, so why not put your faith in death? baz luhrman sucks. his advice sucks. if you like baz luhrman, commit suicide now. cheese is the closest equivalent to god. proctor and gamble poisons animal. become nocturnal. donate a dime to the march of dimes. people who classify themselves by the music they listen to are losers. really. beat them with plastic poles. working sucks. quit working. blah. i'm in a bitchy mood. always allow your moods to dictate what you write. bitch. heehee!, the jester. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Oregano FROM: Big Daddy Bill Hi Oregeno! I'm writing this letter in response to Mogel's advice idea. You now have the pleasure of being written the lamest advice letter ever! Please enjoy my nuggets of wisdom: Don't eat yellow snow. Don't eat white snow. Don't eat snow. It causes cancer. You are not as good-looking as everyone says you are. You're better off dead anyway. What that means, I really have no idea but it's 3:30 in the frickin morning and I'm being pressured into doing this, I mean really?! I can't work under these conditions! I'm a starving artist damn it! I demand to be fed every once in a while! Feed me! FEED ME!!!!! My last little hairball of wisdom? Don't listen to Bill. Whatever you do, please god don't listen to me. I smoke crack. Your mother always told you, "Don't listen to crack heads. They love cucumbers." Maybe YOUR mother didn't. Oh poo. Big Daddy Bill [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: AIDS FROM: Unrelated Dear Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. a.k.a. - AIDS, Try pulling yourself away from the computer for more than a week and go fishing, or try skydiving, how about something really fun, try hitchhiking. That's right, give up everything you have, pack a set of clothes, a canteen of water, and a book or two(including a blank one to write down your "adventures"). Then go stand on the ramp of interstate with your thumb out. Visit a side of life you've probably never seen. Trust me, it's an experience you just can't find sitting on your ass in front of a computer. -Unrelated [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Uberfizzgig FROM: Six Well Scott, I read all your t-files as dear Mogel recommended, and I have no fucking idea what advice to provide. So uhm I'm going to babbly on about my general advice to anyone. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sun screen would be it. The long-term benefits of sun screen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. As if no one else was tempted to do that! I have very little advice to give. I'm only 22, it's not as if I've accumulated some vast amount of experience. Don't run up your credit cards, but anyone knows that. Don't go through your whole life trying to please your parents, they will never be pleased until you are being tormented by children of your own. Listen to 'Hair Bands' and thrash around your room, it's a good release. Don't cheat on people its mean and just all around fucked up. If you're really gonna cheat its a sign of relationship problems or your own problems. Party, get drunk, let loose be crazy, it's part of being under 30. I guess that's all I have to say.. Oh yeah one more thing... No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the champaign room. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Oscar Meyer Wilde III FROM: Jammer 427 Well, how do you start an advice letter to someone who you've never met. Who cares? Oscar roughly the only things that I can learn about you is from your writing. By rough study I can decipher that you are obsessed with sex and content to telephone and harass local fast food establishments. First off, it may not seem clear but these problems are both related to each other. I know that you're saying, "Jammer, how can you come up with such an amazing concept." That's my secret. Here's my advice -- GET LAID!! Right now! You really need to get your rocks off. I'm not talking about looking up some big breasted girls over at bustyamatuers.com and having a primate punishment session. It's stunningly such a sign that you are not getting laid because you are wasting time by making those aforementioned calls to those aforementioned fast food establishments. This is what you are doing in place of sex. Of course, you can tell that these calls are about sex. Your transcript to Dunkin Donuts is between you and a woman. The donut with its hole is a clear symbol for a vagina and that you want to be "dunkin'" her. The other call is a travel into the homoerotic. You called a Burger King and spoke to a man. Symbolizing a desire to have his hot, sizzling meat in your mouth. So you can see that a lack of sex is on display for all to see. I don't care how you get it or how you take it, but go out and get laid. Be it with a love or some dirty, hard, tiring monkey sex, but get some. You really need it. Good luck, JAMMER427 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Art FROM: Darwin Dear Art, I've got some advice that I want to share with you. *STAY OUT OF THE REAL WORLD FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE* You may think that being in school sucks, living at home sucks, being underage sucks, being a nerd sucks, etc., but I'm here to tell you that the real world sucks more. Even if you have a "good" job, you'll be playing a ridiculous game that involves you getting up early in the morning, going somewhere where you're paid less than you'd like to be for work that will usually be boring. Also, you should try to be less of a dork around girls. Girls don't like dorks. They like aggressive, obsessive dorks even less. Try to make some sort of effort to exercise and eat food that isn't full of fat and or chemical fertilizer or hormones. Don't smoke tobacco. Spend less time doing dumb things on your computer. For example, writing stupid advice letters to people you don't like. Sincerely, Darwin [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Meenk FROM: Styx Because I've a feeling that you really don't need any advice on anything due to you having figured most things out as best as you can already, and because I don't know any more than you do, I've opted instead to present you with a helpful tool - something you may have never considered that would probably make your mornings a bit less stressful, assuming you're awake in the morning in the first place. I hope that I have helped. section 1/1 file meenkadv.jpg [ Styxcode 2.6.6 ] begin 644 meenkadv.jpg M_]C_X``02D9)1@`!`0$`2`!(``#_VP!#``T)"@L*"`T+"PL/#@T0%"$5%!(2 M%"@='A@A,"HR,2\J+BTT.TM`-#A'.2TN0EE"1TY05%54,S]=8UQ28DM35%'_ MVP!#`0X/#Q01%"<5%2=1-BXV45%145%145%145%145%145%145%145%145%1 M45%145%145%145%145%145%145%145'_P@`1"`#2`*@#`2(``A$!`Q$!_\0` M&@`!`0`#`0$```````````````$"`P0%!O_$`!CINT;H>9FS'S=W!*&*(4%@7HYK7IY>;VZ9XY8'#Z')[4G#I]/"M&.?FFO$R MBI24(*;35GT2L>?+#3=W^5TR^IT)<31EQ&KD26IO')CM&.QXPD*I," M:ISJTU::M[*:]VX,8RU_?^)60%VY9*S9'813^X M3+&G\GP*^HY([$8/ITP&V4[,TK74.T8Y/AQGA3QW(1"S@8&(8QEC=_$L+L`M MI6;%I5<,5KR3+'\2IF=$3H]C7=,3$J&S\$RQH3GQ(X@/-J\>G7"0F.T8['PX M,P,*YF:T MW;&`S2RR#Z`&357HK2Y^_P!``L:J]!F7]E^@`2:J@D/%Y^/G`R::M)GAWU#N M6/GH0:\.X4.Q8_0KMUBV"/8`';8_XO\`_\0`&1$``@,!```````````````` M``$1,$!@_]H`"`$#`0$_`=K%M9%3)I?%?__$`!H1`0`#`0$!```````````` M``$0$3``($#_V@`(`0(!`3\!QK*L@YQ)?!-2[DDOJ^N7R0\0^[T#KQ(<"+^3 M_\0`*!```0,"!00"`P$```````````$1,1`A$B`P0&$"(D%1,H%0H;'A_]H` M"`$!``8_`MBR$H/-%;:.FQQ+(R9'@N?T1XI(G))>7SOXIB;N7)Y/(QY$D5=% MC@Q+\1%'7SH86[1LL#,-A$2+GQ(&;/B71D_TM6%/BI"Y.-?U6*,, MFLA:*W(,2SKH@Z$,<#^1_"9;:4DG;U(IW4;ID;61\S^Q;.G!;H7[+SL.T;*V MIQ21NH?WKR64OU/5/6OQD>CZ][#*6IB6!,BI]ZDT95'11$,7NK)JV2D48:C) ML60YHR;%CG9LAR-2=@R%Y&V;^5+;1B?Q'__$`"@0``(!`P0"`00#`0`````` M``$1`"$Q01`@46$P<8&1L<'AH='Q\/_:``@!`0`!/R'5QQZ7T,S/G1[$89@. 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It does no good but can do lots of harm. --> If you ever are in mixed company, and you sneeze, and you can't find yourself a tissue to wipe that dreaded snot off your nose, don't worry. But don't use someone else's shirt to alleviate yourself of the problem. --> Your amiga setup is rad. Don't change it for anything. --> Don't rape goats. It's not a polite thing to do. Goats can't talk back to you. They can't say "NO!". They can't scream "RAPE!". Furthermore, and most importantly, they can't tell you whether to go 'harder' or 'faster' or 'a little to the left'. --> Mitosis makes my toes grows, Meiosis makes me. --> You look like this guy I know named Abe. I told you this already. So, disregard this piece of advice. --> Eat live goldfish. It won't make you any more healthy, but hey... it's damned entertaining. Just make sure you have an audience. --> It takes 3 polish men to screw in a lightbulb. I forget the rest of the punch line. --> In order to get my house, you need to make a left onto Cerenzia Blvd. That's something you always need to know. --> Serve me. --> If you ever have holes in a white wall, toothpaste works wonders as to covering it up. Likewise, if you kill someone on accident. Suicide notes and wiped fingerprints can fix the situation right up. --> Don't eat paste. I did at a young age, and look at what happened to me. --> HOE is like a drug, GET OUT! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN! [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: AltRocks FROM: Cyn Dear Altrocks, Here, my dear, are some words of advice, which may or may not be influenced by how I spent my weekend. Do not, under any circumstances, make major decisions while on Ecstacy. Decisions you should not make include things such as going to Vegas because the batting cages are closed, or going home with that awfully nice bisexual drug dealer you met once before at another party, and have been making out with all night. Letting him put his hands down your pants in the bleachers probably isn't that great a decision either, even if your sweater was in your lap. If you, foolish thing that you are, do decide to go home with the dealer, you should, before your other ride leaves, make sure that your keys aren't in the back seat of your other ride's car, and also that you can get a ride to your home from the home of the dealer, especially if he lives over an hour away from you. You should not expect your best friend to save you, because, although you were supposed to meet him at Denny's that night, and your ride has told him that you went home with Jaws and Shane, it is quite possible that he has made the first mistake mentioned, and is over halfway to Vegas. Oh, and when you find this out, it's probably counter-productive to spend five minutes screaming "I'm so fuct," although it may make you feel better. Even if you are stuck with the dealer and friends until you figure out a way to get home, having sex with him on the floor of his friend's bathroom while his two friends are off snorting lines of K is probably not the best idea. Also, it should be remembered that while some people, such as yourself, may want a cigarette after such things, others, such as the drug dealer, may want to snort animal tranquilizers. And yes, there are situations where snorting K is allowed, and smoking isn't. The best way to get home is to think up a real good lie, blame all of this on your best friend, and call your parents. It will get you home for free, and if you lie well enough, you won't even be in trouble. Oh, and you may want to hide those hickeys before you go out with the other boy you're dating. If you see them before the next day, that is. Lots of Love, and Best of Luck, Cyn [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Paganini FROM: Quarex "How to configure your Pagan.ini file" by Quarex Not many of you have any real idea what your Pagan.ini file does. Hell, most of you might even spend your entire lives without even noticing it. Trust me, though, while it seems to be a useless part of your computer, it performs several crucial functions that you cannot live without. Let us quickly examine line 22 of the Pagan.ini file: FeastOfBeltane=True Now, without this line, none of your chanting will even have the desired effect. Furthermore, [Quarex was then killed] [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Issac FROM: Tasha Dear Isaac, There's this crazy Hoe project about advice letters now, and a silly program randomly chose me to write the advice letter to you. Or maybe it chose you to receive the advice letter from me. Either way you look at it, you're getting an advice letter from me/I am writing an advice letter to you. And isn't that grand? This will probably be a fairly forced advice letter, since Mogel already gave me a one day extension and I have exactly 33 minutes before that one day extension runs out. Anyway, on with the show... "Hey Tasha. I have nothing to say in this letter. I feel a need to take up space, though, to make you happy. Many times I feel like I only show one side of me to you, the side you like. I don't think you would like the other sides of me. In my honest opinion. So, that is why I only show one side. I like to be loved, especially by you, but many times I feel guilty, like I am leading you on, to make you think I am a certain way." It's kind of sad that you not only divide yourself into sections, but that you choose what sections can come out at certain times. That's sort of borderline multiple personality disorder, or something. I think you should stop. "I like it when girls(crossed out) people are honest and 'mean' to me. It makes me feel like it doesn't matter. So, I let all of my personality show." I think that your crossing out "girls" is either you: (a) trying to hide your sexism (b) trying to hide your natural human sexuality (c) trying to hide the pleasure you get from a submissive role in a male-female relationship (d) changing your mind This, too, could be bad. Maybe you should stop. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Cyn FROM: Neko My dearest Cyn, I was informed over a week ago that I needed to write a letter of advice to you, and so this is what I am doing, a mere 24 hours before the deadline. I hope my advice helps you through life. Keep in mind that I have never talked to you, nor have I ever emailed you. We haven't even had a so-called "hot chat". So, my advice for you will be based on information you have made public -- your h0e files, your web page, and anything else I might find while digging through the dirt. Don't expect this to be in much order, as I am essentially following hyperlinks, and therefore my comments will also be "hyper" to say the least. The first thing I have noticed about you is that although you seem to be a great speller, you consistently misspell "really" as "rilly". You misspell it so often that it makes me wonder if perhaps you are *intentionally* spelling it that way. If so, please stop. Do us all a favor. There was a girl I went to school with named J--- who spelled really like you do, and she is a big idiot, even if Trilobyte had a crush on her for quite some time. Anyway, she had long blonde hair that would sometimes magically turn purple or green. She was lanky, and she always had this stupid look on her face, like she was high. But she probably wasn't high, she was just stupid. She was a pretty good artist, but all of her art looked like she was trying to live in the 60s and impress her pseudo-hippie friends. Cyn -- I sincerely advise you not to turn into J---. You know what else, I am looking at your "Church of the bunny" page and I realize that J--- had a strange obsession with bunnies, too. Once I wore a Beck t-shirt to school that said "The best thing was taking the stage higher than a kite" and some other words I don't remember (damn, I almost wore that shirt today!). Anyhow, in the crowd, there is a bunny. J--- said "nice shirt," giggled, then pointed at the bunny. What a dumb girl. Don't be that dumb girl! However, I did notice that you mentioned worshipping small furry animals. Instead, you should worship the Super Furry Animals, a Welsh psychedelic pop band. They are really (with an EA) good. Well, this was pretty pointless. I was looking for something glaringly obvious that was wrong with you, but there wasn't really anything. The only problem I can find is that you remind me of J---. And that's not really your fault. Bunnies would probably be OK with me if it wasn't for her, but "rilly" wouldn't be. You really should spell "rilly" correctly. In any case, you like Belle & Sebastian (or at least quote them, which is cool enough), you seem like you're having a lot more fun at college than I am, and all of this is happening in OHIO, the single shittiest state in the USA. Or at least the shittiest state between Illinois and Philadelphia (not counting New Jersey, as it's only on the Swiss Pope route to Philly). So yeah. Rock n roll all night, party every day. This, dear Cyn, is my advice for you. Respectfully yours, Neko [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: LilNilNil FROM: Mutter Dearest LilNilHil: Before I give you advice, I'd first like to tell you I'm a fan of your writings. Every once and a while I like a HOE file enough to print it out.... "I think your problems are very trite" was one of these files. It ruled!@# Now that that's out of the way I have to tell you what every member of HOE has been thinking but was too afraid to say: you should give up your "career" as a gangsta rapper. Time for a reality check: You're a fat, balding, 38-year-old jew from the suburbs who still lives with his parents and, frankly, your shit is whack. You're not gonna get a deal. I don't care what you say, Puff Daddy is NOT your half-brother! It's time to stop living the lie. The thug life ain't for ya. See, you seem like a cool guy with some skill -- this makes it extremely hard to accept your airplane-glue-dependency. That junk's a dead-end road, my friend (believe me, I know). Remember that time we took those hot catholic school girls out to dinner and you kept sneaking off to the bathroom?... we all noticed the airplane glue on your upper-lip. It was embarrassing. You have a problem. I know you think sniffing airplane glue "enhances" your creative writing skills but it doesn't... it hinders them. Stay clean, brother! sincerely, Mutter [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Phairgirl FROM: Rhea Dear phairgirl, Isn't it amazing that *you* are my "random, selected writer"? You're right, I don't think it's amazing either. Hmm. Well, first of all, I would like to say that I like Liz Phair, too. I just found out a few days ago that my friend's mother works with Liz Phair's dad. Small world, eh? Maybe I can get some concert tickets through her... that would be good... Second of all, your HOE writing is impressive because it's so very prolific, and because of its broad range in topics. You are not just the ordinary HOE writer who churns out an angsty rant every once in a while.... you churn them out much more often! No really, whenever I see a new HOE file written by you, I know it will be something interesting. For example, "Three Stories for Children of All Ages" was interesting because I had no idea what you were talking about at all, and so it was funny. Third of all, you devote so many hours upon hours of your precious time -- hours from the prime of your life which you will never get back and which you will lament about taking for granted later, when you are old and grey-haired -- to editing HOE, and I like HOE, so I like you! Thanks, phairgirl! My advice to you is to take a long walk in your local park and write a HOE file about the homeless people you see there, because you haven't done that yet. My other advice is to print this advice letter and post it on your mirror so you can see it everytime you look at your reflection, so you have one more thing to help you marvel at the wonder that is... phairgirl! Sincerely, Rhea [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Laja Ajna FROM: Oscar Meyer Wilde III Dear Laja Ajna, You like the internet. You are a special human being, with special abilities, special skills, and unique qualities that make you stand out from most everyone else in this sickly world... but, you like the internet. There's nothing wrong with liking the internet--I download massive amounts of porn from it--but you like it. I'm just pointing it out. You surf the web. You shimmey down the GO NETWORK, without a paddle. Without sneakers. You're dancing, you're in flip-flops, on the internet, speaking your mind. And you like doing it. My advice to you is very vague, my dear Anja. Make a single choice. Whatever do I mean? I think that your powers and interests lie in many things, and many people. And again, there is nothing wrong with that. You like what you like. However, I believe that you will accomplish much more, and be more truly happy when you begin to focus your energies on a single task, and a single person. You will find that with these new, focused energies you will gain insight into yourself you have never before known. I know it sounds trite, and that's because it is--but it really does work. Give it a shot. And keep the flip-flops. They're cute. And no, you do not know me in the slightest. Yours till the bitter-sweet end, Oscar Meyer Wilde III [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Styx FROM: Teerts dear mattstyxxxxxx, my dear, dear friend, i am writing this, in part, to let you know, as a friend should, just in how much peril you've placed yourself. this obsession which you have for this so-called entertainment medium known as 'wrestling' will only lead to your damnation and loss of hair. these 'wrestlers' which you 'worship' and pay money to watch makes fools of themselves wearing leotards and unitards, and other silly tight clothes worship the one, fat almighty dollar. the iron sheik, when he puts his arm around you, dear matt, and runs his hand through your long hair and embraces you in a pose for a picture, he is not really thinking about you. he sees another pretty young thing with long hair in whose pants he'd love to put his big strong muscular hands. beware, matthew. when king kong bundy points his trigger finger at your head, he is not merely posing for a picture with you, he is warning you. he warns you of the evils of wrestling. he is saying 'don't be me, kid. you'll get fat, lose your hair, and have to resort to extortion to feel good about yourself.' you pose next to him, fist in air as if to say, 'i gotcha, king kong, word is born.' but you don't really. you merely think you do. do you see what i am getting at, matthew? only incessant masturbation is left. at that point, were it to happen, and let us pray it does not happen, you may as well become a wrestler and or kill yourself. please, stop it now. you are headed down the wrong path with these delusions of yours. this commissioner pez must die. you must kill him before he takes control of you. although i originally began this with only wrestling in mind, i fear that if i do not warn you of other evils, you may be lost. matt, i beg of you, please stop smoking the marijuana. tool, what is this which is called tool? not merely a band, this 'group' is really a propagandist organisation spreading falsehoods about free thinking and individuality. they poison america's youth with misinformation which causes discord in the social structure. it also causes angst. just think, matthew, wwjd? as my final warning, styxxmatt, beware your sister. she may not seem so, but she aims to lure your friends with her charm thereby causing discord between you and your friends. familial tendencies will cause you to take your sister's side, thereby placing many a friendship in jeopardy. perhaps you could gently influence her to give up her evil ways. her goth obsession is, by far, the worse of the bunch. remind her, in daily conversation that: 1. one should not drink blood. 2. she is not a genie, no matter how decent her velvet pants are. 3. people cannot really fly at night, even with a hoover. 4. korn is not goth (nor, for that matter, is manson).* 5. she is cute. beware of these perilous things, matt, i will end this letter here, and will just tell you that you must be careful with every move you make. they are after us. -cm/teerts endnotes: * - by her sweet juxtaposition of sub-genres, she only serves to confuse herself (in her search for an identity**) as well as those around her who just look on and ask themselves 'what is wrong with that damned kid?' or rather those who, know that she, being part of the medication generation, is just going through a phase. ** - see hippy phase, celine dion affinity, and fake breast incident. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Girl From Mars FROM: Mr A Jim Dear GrlFrMars, In the old country, there was a popular folk tale. Mothers would frequently recite it to their children. Of course, the children had heard it hundreds of times past, but it was told and told again. This is how valued it was. It would come up in fierce political debates in the town square. Men would whisper it to their wives, even during the most intimate of situations. And now I will recite it to you. There once lived a boy in a tiny cottage. The cottage had a spectacular view of the surrounding hills. But the boy wasn't interested. He had found a small, moss-covered rock on one of his daily trips to the river. Since then, he had never left the cottage. Every day, he would rise early to polish and clean the rock. He wished he could be the rock. Then everything would turn out just fine, he decided. The other boys who had played with him at the riverside did not know where he was. After a while, they stopped caring about him. The boy had no friends. Then, he was run over by a truck. It brings a tear to my eye when I read your HOE articles; I like to think that if my sainted mother were still around, she would have told this tale with a particular intensity after having read them. Quite obviously, you are becoming the Boy with your self-indulgent writing. Here's a brief synopsis of the body of your literature: "MY secret life" "MY super pillow" "What shit I had to go through on break" "ME and MY doctor" "Why I'M such a superhero" "Why I can't hold down a solid job" "I'M so cool with MY mix tapes" "MY journal and all the stuff I did" Unfortunately, creative titles can't hide the fact that your exponentially-growing self-absorption has become you and completely taken over your persona. My only advice for you is to start hanging out in #ezines, an IRC channel that I conceived, designed, paid for, and now exclusively moderate. You're quite welcome to drop in any time you feel the need to write about yourself. Don't get run over by a truck, Mr. A. Jim [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] ``` TO: Effy, Big Daddy Bill, M4D 3LF, Darwin, Ashtray Heart, and Mutter Because Clyde, Paganini, Art, M4D 3LF, Hardcore, and Laja were lazy, the 6 of you do not have a letter. Rather than have you guys dare to live without any sort of advice, I took it to the brutal land of IRC. I asked various, random HOE writers for words of advice for any one of you 6. Here's what people said. Big Daddy Bill: "stop trying to sound like beavis and butthead." - Tasha "sand is waste. don't kill that many trees." - Trilobyte "Steve says you have my Beat2000 warez. If you have it, I really need it back." - Phairgirl "Move out of Iowa." - Jubjub ":)" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III M4D 3LF: "don't get married." - Tasha "don't ignore the mountains." - Trilobyte "If you find that you actually DO have my Beat2000 warez, please return it or you owe me $60. By the way, where are my other 2 CDs you borrowed over a YEAR ago? Get it together, man!" - Phairgirl, YOUR NEW MANAGER "Move out of Iowa." - Jubjub "=^]" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III Effy: "stop typing *L*" - Tasha "DAMN THE MAN! THE ESTABLISHMENT BE BRINGING YOU DOWN! FIGHT THE POWER! DONT FALL VICTIM TO THE LABELS!" - Miasma "live your life in a bowl of peaches and cherries." - Tbyte "Move out of Iowa." - Jubjub ":-O" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III Mutter: "Don't feed the goldfish." - Miasma "introduce a friend of yours to the 'zine scene. make sure their handle is 'mumble'." - Jubjub "the buzzing in your ears is a language. hear it." - Tbyte "Write for HOE." - Mogel ":|" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III Ashtray Heart: "Never change at all because you are incredibly rad." - Six "Keep yourself on that higher plane of existence." - Miasma "ashtray heart should know that not many people will be familiar with 'susperia' or whatever." - Styx "german may be good, but austrian is better." - Trilobyte ":(" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III Darwin: "stop telling everyone how to live their lives." - Tasha "Get off of so many drugs, get into therapy. Stop being nice--let the inner asshole out. Also, don't contemplate beating people who poke fun at Tekken 3." - Nybar "it's ok, i'm sure the rash will go away soon enough, just be sure to wash properly." - Teerts "Avoid Splinters, Wear Shoes." - Miasma "he talks kinda loud and maybe he shouldn't." - Styx "legalize infatuation." - Trilobyte "Move to Philadelphia." - Mogel "get a faster cd burner." - Jubjub ":D" - Oscar Meyer Wilde III GENERAL ADVICE: "Don't get into a land war with Asia." - AltRocks "I am Drunk." - Neko "Being smart doesn't make you better than other people, so don't act like it does." - Six "Yes, become vegan, live in an earthship, be non-violent, take up grassroots activism, and stop shaving your armpits." - Jubjub [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Miasma FROM: Kaia dear miasma, this is my second day in bulgaria, and my first time in europe. this is also my first email there, and it is to you. i am staying at a hostel affiliated with the university of plovdiv in the town of plovdiv. practically no native bulgarians speak english, and communication has been extremely difficult. on the other hand, there are certain english words that everybody here knows about: coca-cola. mcdonalds. nike. marlboro. pepsi. lucky stripe. here at my summer program in linguistics, all of the ~60 students from around the world speak some degree of english, because they knew that classes would be conducted in english by professors from around the world. i have become accustomed to speaking slowly, separating words and using simple terms. what country are you from? what university do you attend? is this your first time in bulgaria? are you going to class? no, me neither! i am actually cutting class (attendance is actually NOT mandatory and in fact we are encouraged to go to only what we are interested in) with my new friend, dragana. she is from serbia, university of belgrade. luckily, serbian is similar to bulgarian -- their alphabet is cyrillic -- so we have been able to navigate to the university (where email is) from the hostel (where classes are) with no problem. well, almost no problem. by the time we realized we took a wrong turn while walking, we had gone too far to correct our mistake. we were advised to take a bus (costing 200 lev, approximately nine cents) and had to ask several people before we could effectively get specific directions to the university that dragana could understand. the boy selling bus tickets on the bus was eyeing my camera and i thought he wanted to steal it -- i had been warned many times of the high crime rates here, and how tourists are often cheated by taxi drivers (as i was -- twice -- paying $6 for two 20 minute cab rides, instead of the customary $0.70) but instead, this boy (clad in a shiny blue adidas shirt) gestured to me that he wanted his picture taken. i took out my camera and he communicated "no, take THAT guy's picture!" and pointed to his grinning friend, who was obviously a bit embarrassed. so i took his friend's picture and we all laughed. another time, i was poised to take a picture of gratuitous american corporate advertising on the streets and waiting for someone interesting to walk by, for a candid shot. a young couple begged through gestures for me to take their picture. generally, as an obvious foreigner, i am totally treated like a novelty. i have not seen any other asian people yet. even in this summer program, students from other countries ask me many questions about life in the united states (it is hard for many european students to get visas to visit the US). the girls and women here are *all* very slim and dress fashionably trendy. my bulgarian roommate says that this is partially due to a bulgarian economic crisis, and that anorexia is problematic for women here. music tee shirts are also common: mostly nirvana, but also korn and miscellaneous 80s metal bands. graffiti shows some political slogans ("kosovo is not monica, bill!" takes only two bulgarian words to say, apparently) as well as more names of bands ("slayer"). i saw an old poster advertising an upcoming metallica and monster magnet show. samhain will also be passing through. this is supposed to be a letter of advice, so let me give you advice should you ever decide to visit plovdiv, bulgaria: 1) bring shower shoes. the bathroom in my double room in the hostel is smaller than arm's width and consists of a broken toilet (the t.p. doesn't go down and is a constant wad at the bottom of the bowl), a dirty gray floor with a drain on the side, a sink that spews water both into the sink and all over the floor, a small mirror on the wall, and a faucet hanging from the ceiling that is the shower, so when you shower, the whole bathroom gets wet, including the toilet, but not its overhead flush tank nor chain you pull to flush it. 2) bring small denominations of american bills. you will need them to pay the taxicab driver in case he doesn't take you to a "change" to exchange your currency, first. 3) bring food. the most popular food here is balkan cheese, which is like feta but much saltier and stronger. it's butt cheese incarnate. other popular foods are meat, and meat, and salty rolls, and this drink (made from fermented wheat) - not beer, but something that looks like brown yogurt, and containing alcohol. i actually have to run, the lab is closing "now". ciao (as they say here)! kaia. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Six FROM: Nybar Since the recent end of my cryogenic containment beneath POUPEY HQ (to return only when the world once again needed me), I've had a vague sense of... something missing... in my life. To wit, I felt like shit. To rhyme, I... didn't feel sublime. Uh, where was I? Ah yes, I felt something was MISSING from my life. What could it be, I asked? Perhaps a silly HOE group project, I answered! Yes!... but there was a problem, how to bring this about? Mogel has been so mopey lately, it seemed unlikely he was going to start one of those silly old-school style 'zine community thangs. Well, I found a way. Oh yes. I found a way.... There's no point to this back story, just taking up space, hm. My attorney advises me to begin the advice file. This one is to SIX. Here we go: Well, it seems there was once a fox--bear with me--and the fox's name was Bob. Now, Bob was a very, very silly fox, and sometimes he smoked just a bit too much ganja. Now, usually Bob was a malicious fox, delighting itself and all around with it's cruelty, and all was well! But when Bob smoked too much marijuana, he had an annoying habit of hugging every woodland creature in sight! Now, what with the sharp claws of a fox, even the happiest, dancin'-est woodland creatures didn't appreciate this! So they made a--what? Advice to the wrong person? Well shiiiit. I'll just start again. Okay, advice to Ali. Well, the main thing that I've noticed about Ali is that... she's a girl. Okay, there's nothing wrong with that. Roughly 51% of the population of the world are grrrls, and I'd be going out on quite a limb if I called them all freaks (but I'll do it anyway: fucking freaks.) But, the fact that she's a girl taken together with the fact that she's from New Jersey, is a deadly molotov cocktail, and #ezines is the tank being destroyed, baby. Some of the researchers at POU-labs have simulated the typical IRC output of a NJ-Girl... --- *** `six` (njgirl@heretoannoyus.com) joins #wahwahwah <`six`> hey, guess what! Um, what? <`six`> [Insert name of random guy whose name changes every day here] stood me up! Again! Too bad! * `six` thinks: what a mannnnn... Six, I'd go out with you in a second, if only you were born on the vernal equinox of a prime-number year, only wore red, and loved the same cinema I did! --OR-- *** `six` (dumbnj@stereotypical.net) joins #whoopdefuckingdoo <`six`> hey, guess what! Um, what? <`six`> Well, Johnny (who has a beautiful tushy, let me tell you! I could eat his tushy up! Tushy tushy tushy!) went out on a date with meee! He's so dreeeammmyy.. Yay! <`six`> hmmm, I'm going to go vomit right nowww... --- Don't believe me that this problem is pervasive? Independent researchers have also documented similar behavior, see: http://www.theonion.com/onion3525/ebay_hooray.html And other editorials by Jean Teasdale. Don't think it's a problem? Well, it is! The threat of the dumb New Jersey girl is one of the biggest problems facing IRC today. It is estimated that every 6 seconds, a dumb New Jersey Girlism is uttered, and the rate is increasing. If this increase does not stop, the average level of annoyance will be murderously high across the board by 2020, causing our already swollen prison population to EXPLODE, as well as increasing the murder rate at least 600%. As a matter of fact, it is estimated that if NJ was nuked right now, the lives saved would outweigh the lives lost by a scale of 6:1, and that's just in the short term!--but I digress. I've completed the first step in this advice letter, I've documented a problem. Now for the second step, the dispensing of advice. Well, where does the dumb NJ girl problem stem from? It's not Ali herself--though some of my colleagues are quick to point fingers, there are too many dumb girls of a certain type in NJ for them to have all migrated there or developed it independently. It must be New Jersey itself, it's social climate and aura. It oozes dumbness; the wailing winter winds in New Jersey speak to girls, saying "beeeee dummmmbbbb." Ali, I recommend... nay, I _demand_ that you move from New Jersey immediately! Get away while the getting's good! Go now! Now! In a recent interview with me(1), you stated: "<`six`> I just take it as it comes, but when givin a choice i go with my heart instead of my head." This time, you cannot afford to go with your heart! Move as far away from New Jersey as possible, I beseech you! That is all the advice I can give you. Notes: (1): Here is the full text of the interview, conducted over IRC: Okay First give me your full real name (or make one up), where you live (or make it up), physical description (want to make it up?), and other 'vital' info... then we'll get to the real stuff. <`six`> My full real name uhm do you want my middle names too? If you feel like giving it <`six`> ok Alicia Gratciella Elizabeta Jeanne Stillman <`six`> Thats really my birth certificate name <`six`> I live in Central Jersey <`six`> And uh I'm 4'10 chubby auburn hair, brown eyes <`six`> whatelse * Nybar nods Okay, have you ever had the urge to learn more about computers in all the years you've been using them? As an ancilliary, did you feel resentful towards your classmates who used AOL while you were keeping it real? <`six`> uhm yes SO, why haven't you?...apathy? <`six`> well if youre refering to going to shcool, its simply lack of funds you don't have to go to school but I can leave it at that... <`six`> well I read books and things like I taught myself some java ah; that's good. Next question: Do you have any consistent philosophy that you apply to life? Do you consider yourself more 'rational', or more spiritual--specifically, do you believe that occam's razor applies all the time? <`six`> hmm <`six`> I just take it as it comes, but when givin a choice i go with my heart instead of my head Well, have you ever read any of the dialectic materialist/rationalist literature..? <`six`> I guess not Hmm, you should, I can point you to some if you'd like, perhaps it'd change your life, next question...: <`six`> ok Would you describe yourself as egocentric? <`six`> in some ways, but everyone is Well, does your web-page, which is basically a monument to yourself, reveal some aspect of yourself? <`six`> actually not really. It just tells what I like and what i don't like, but I hide the real personal stuff. I shouldn't say hide, I don't provide it. Okay, last question, if you could change history in _ONE WAY_, what would it be? <`six`> im thinking <`six`> thats a really good one answer das question, bizn1tch <`six`> nothing cause too many things would drastically impact the way things are now, and i kinda like things how they are now. heh, thanks for the interview footnote: things as they are suck <`six`> welcom <`six`> whats this for? my hoe advice letter [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Tasha FROM: Phairgirl Dearest Tasha: As wonderful of a girl as you are, with your sparkling eyes and fulfilling laughter, who looks exactly like who she is, who is precisely who she seems to be... there is little that I can offer you for advice, as I am not exactly someone who should be advising others based on my life. The best I can do for you, Tasha, is help you to not make the same mistakes that I have made in my life, and keep you on the path that will leave you untainted for eternity. I can only teach you through what I have done wrong, as there is little that I have done right. But I have learned quite extensively from my mistakes, and hope to somehow save you from having to relive my pain and anguish so that you may mature as your own person and not have to ruin and destroy everything that you hold dear simply by making naive choices for your experiences in life. And through all that I have learned in my wise years for you, Tasha, I have only one true piece of advice for you: Keep Quarex on your lap, and never let him get up. I hope I have somehow saved you from imminent disaster in your future. Heed my words, as I have lived through things that you will never want to experience. Love, phairgirl [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Rhea FROM: Mogel Hi, Rhea, I'm Mogel. Why do I announce my name like that so much? "I'm Mogel! I'm Mogel!". Constantly. Probably, in my own narcissistic mind, I think that I've achieved some kind of iconic status. Saying what I'm going to say next will make me feel incredibly, incredibly lame. I think that by the very nature of using a "handle", we are giving ourselves an iconic identity. This sort of statement will probably get either the "DUH! THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!" reaction from some people, or "boy, you sure are a dork, making pseudo-cyber-philosophical statements about stupid shit like that." Both responses would be appropriate. Still, saying "Hi, I'm Mogel," a catch phrase, from a medium in which people turn themselves into icons, is cute. Well, no, it's stupid. But it's cute to me. I've been online a little too long now. I feel old... jaded. It sounds absurd to say, because I'm only 23, but I feel incredibly burned out when I think about "getting to know people online" and "write for hoe," another trademark expression. And I just made the mistake of watching _You've Got Mail_. It shouldn't come as a surprise that I hated it, since I hate a lot movies, but this one was a special kind of awful-- because it made me feel cliche. And that's the worst. The mere fact that I do genuinely enjoy communicating with people through a text medium probably makes me somewhat socially fucked up. And I probably am. I think of myself as fairly normal, well-adjusted, funny, interesting, (modest, too) -- but it's quite possible, like everyone else, I'm in this big denial state. I see every jack-idiot in the universe saying, "hyuk, hyuk, hyuk! Kill the dumb people!" and I think--am I like this? Am I, also, another self-glorified dumb person? It's possible that I am. And that's just another reason why I'm jaded. And being jaded is generally bad. Sure, it's nice to not be naive--but it's very crippling. I feel trapped in my own over-critical nature. I feel like my life is destined to be trapped in this great void of boringness and mediocrity. And I don't like that. So there. And, so, my advice to you, Rhea, is this--don't become burned out. Don't become too angry, or too sad. Don't do anything to excessively cruel. Don't un-necessarily consider yourself greater than others. This sounds like a public service announcement. Sorry. I genuinely think you're a good writer--your style in HOE has this touch of "innocence meets cynicism", and it's charming. Keep with it. And please, for goodness sake, keep some sort of positive "spark" within you. Eventually that will keep you going, when things are their worst. Sorry for being semi-serious in such an absurd publication. I hope this makes some sense to you. Take care, -Mogel [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Kaia FROM: AnonGirl Dear Kaia, Every so often someone gets chosen to know the true meaning of life. It was once passed down to me, after several hundred elders passed it down to their children, and to their childrens' grandchildren, and so on. Now it's your time to know the ultimate advice on realizing a life of true meaning. I must warn you: what you're about to learn may seem like useless information, but I assure you, it's not. Once you've read about the true meaning of life, things will not change automatically. You still have to make it happen, and that's entirely up to you. Please, sit back and get comfortable, maybe even get yourself a drink. In order to become aware of the meaning, you must first understand the origin of the meaning. Dating back to Ancient Greece, there was once an outdoor game which featured round stones and holes dug in a hillside. It was a very popular game, and in 18th Century France, a mechanical version of the game was finally developed. This game was called bagatelle. The earliest versions of bagatelle used simple mechanics, and the stones were replaced by marbles. Growing more popular with time, the modern version of this game was created around the 1930's. They added electrical circuitry, and instead of marbles, they used steel balls. The game was renamed Pinball. The object is to not lose your ball, and to score as many points possible. The player manipulates the ball with flippers or levers, and can physically lean on the machine to create the "tilt". The tilt was not originally intended for this game, but has been considered as an additional rule of play. A good percentage of the general population knows and loves pinball, and it will most likely prosper for thousands of years to come. Pinball can provide hours of fun to most, but to a select few, pinball means more than flippers and balls of steel. This elite crew of people center their lives on pinball. Not playing pinball, living pinball. Up until late adolescence or early adulthood, they are striving to establish their presence, by lighting Start Mode. Once Start Mode is lit, things begin to happen. Challenges beckon, obstacles confront, and rich rewards are offered. Even these special individuals need to kick back and have fun, and that's where Video Mode comes in. Video Mode provides fun and games, something to distract them of their never-ending tasks. However, it's not all fun and games once Start Mode and Video Mode are lit. It's a vicious cycle. Once the player accomplishes those tasks, he is faced with them all over again, this time with a new and different challenge. And those nice little surprises in life aren't entirely fate. If you point yourself in the right direction, you'll wind up in the Mystery scoop, which rewards you with a little something you didn't expect. However, you mustn't indulge yourself in the Video Mode and Mystery scoops too often, you must stay focused on the real mission of the game: survival. These people are the steel balls in the pinball machine of life, Kaia. You are one of them. Choose your path wisely, young contender. Sincerely yours, AnonGirl P.S.- Now that you've read the above and know the true meaning to life, you must send a copy of this letter to ten of your friends within the next twelve hours. If you fail to do so, you will be stuck in the gutter for the rest of your life, with no kickbacks. Good luck. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Seaya FROM: Meenk Seaya, I was going to tell you to avoid getting on the sexchart at all costs, but upon inspection, I realized that you are already on it. Too bad. Now all I can say is this: KEEP YOUR LINKS DISCREET. See, you are not honoured with any sort of title, so you are one of the lucky ones. Once you get up to the "honorable mention" section you are in for fierce competition. It is a long, hard struggle to the top, and trying to beat out the other sluts is very hard work. However, if you do ever decide to take on the chart, there are three things to remember: 1. Cons and parties are excellent places to get links. Look good, be charming, and make out with everyone you can lay your lips on. Just watch out for coldsores and obvious illness. 2. Don't let people treat you like shit for the number of links you have. If you can't see yourself explaining that you are a slut for the sake of sluttiness, be sure that you have good reasons for your links. Love, arousal, and intoxication are the main motivators for most of the links on the chart. These reasons are valid. 3. If you go the full monty for a link, USE PROTECTION, condoms for boys, dental dams for girls. This advice should be followed no matter who you are coming into contact with. I don't think I need to tell you why. Follow these rules to the letter and you will have a fun trip to the top. Just keep in mind that once you get there, you will have to contend with me, and I have no shame. Happy humping, meenk P.S. If you are ever in S.F. and want to hook up, drop me a line. Thanks. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Caitlin FROM: Uberfizzgig Let's face it, Caitlin. You need all the advice you can get. So before I begin, I want you to pluck that heroine needle out of your vein and pay attention to something for once in your life. Now I'm going to say this and I'm only going to say it once. The people you are going to interact with for the rest of your life are always going to be stupid. Now judging by the image you have carefully constructed for yourself, if seems you are mostly able to to think critically and make judgements independently of the dominant social ideology. This ability is generally manifested in those who are smarter than the majority of their peers. Now at the same time, there is often the hope that those you detest will eventually acquire the ability to think independently and mature both mentally and emotionally. Some have the idea that this will all occur by college, and the idiocy of High School will disappear. Well that's a steaming pile of bullshit. People are going to be that way forever, so the best advice I can give you is to get used to it because you'll meet new people just like that much faster than you'll be able to meet the other or inspire them to become better. The world may change, but the people are pretty stagnant. That reminds me, here's a real actual useful piece of advice. Get a frozen pizza (or whatever other food you really like and can make really fast) and just keep it in your freezer. Then whenever something bad happens, sure it sucks, but you have the comfort of being able to think "Well, at least I've got that pizza..." You'd be surprised how well this actually works. Just think about it. Here's an example: "I got fired." vs. "I got fired. But at least I've got that pizza..." See!? Whenever something bad happens, there's the ability to make yourself feel slightly better right away. Often that's all it takes. Now about these stupid people, since they'll generally grab on and follow whatever they're exposed to, regardless of the contradictions and hypocricies it creates in their character, there is a considerable chance to influence the social reality in which you live. Now given that you're a talented writer and seemingly aware of what goes on around you, I have every confidence in your ability to be incredibly successful at whatever you put your heart and mind into doing. And just to back this all up, remember that I've got a degree in this stuff and am totally qualified to make these statements. Ok. That being said there's one final issue that I've been asked by several people to bring up in this letter: When are we going to get to see some nakedness on your web-cam!? Woo-hoo! That's all. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Clyde FROM: Swiss Pope Clyde, So you start junior high next week? And you want some pointers? Well, buddy, it's a whole different world from the seven years of elementary school that you're used to. It's all about being cool. If you're not cool, you just won't survive. They'll torture you in every way imaginable. You need the following items. Ask your Mom to drive you to Wal-Mart so you can pick up the goods. Or as they call it in Jr. High, your "gear". You need a fanny pack. Everyone in Jr. High wears a fanny pack. You need to get one with a Nike "Just do it." logo. You will use this item to store various items: cigarettes, condoms, heavy metal tapes, and weapons. Don't worry, fanny packs can hold a lot of shit. Now, you shouldn't have any problem getting your mom to buy you a fanny pack, but those other items will be tough to acquire. First, buy _candy_ cigarettes. That's right, you can just avoid the whole process of stealing real cigarettes and just get the candy. Kids will still think you're cool. Remember, Jr. High is all about image. Much like actors use props in movies, you can sneak candy cigarette smokes between classes in Jr. High and still earn the respect of your peers. Remember, you're a wild child. You might be wondering what use you have for condoms. In fact, perhaps you've never even ejaculated before. Or if you have, you still require the aid of pillow and have not yet mastered the art of jerking off while standing up, viewing titillating wallpaper. That's ok, because your Jr. High school peers won't see real condoms until several years later, when they get to COLLEGE! What you can do is buy party balloons. In several different colors. Tell your peers that they are condoms, and they will say to themselves "Gee, that Clyde guy knows here's it at. I want to be like him. If only I were as cool." Next, you need heavy metal tapes. You need a Warrant t-shirt, because Warrant is all the rage. You should purchase an album from each of the following three artists: Damn Yankees, Extreme, and Quiet Riot. Quiet Riot, is of course, the most hardcore of the three so use discretion when deciding when to play the tape. Damn Yankees makes for a mellow bus ride and Extreme is good for getting some play behind the table saw in wood shop. Last but not least, you need weapons. If some punkass steps up to you, you need to protect yourself. You can fashion weapons from the following objects: Stapler: This long range weapon will pierce and or blind an enemy. The staple becomes a formidable projectile. Your English teacher will by no means be a ballistics expert. She'll see staples flying across the room but will never be able to locate the source of them. Why? Because, my friend, you have a fanny pack to conceal your weapons, and nobody *touches* a guy with a fanny pack. Bic Pen: Take one of these guys, rub it against a hard substance (such as a wooden countertop) and you can leave third degree burns on the skin on your enemy. Rubber Band: If you don't know what this is for, man, you should ask some of the Jr. High vets, because this item is essential to survival. You should learn how to gleek, which is the art of shooting a fine line of spit through your two front teeth. You should also carry a supply of pencils. Often you will be challenged to a game of Pencil Pop where you must snap your pencil against your opponents' to determine who is cooler. And guy, being cool is what it's all about. -Swiss Pope [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Neko FROM: AIDS Neko, I'd like to give you some words that just played over my stereo, because they're probably much better advice than the ensuing nonsense. Now, I realize that Bob Dylan ain't exactly punk rock, and his London probably never called, but, bear with me, "Stay free from petty jealousies / Live by no man's code / and hold your judgement for yourself, lest you wind up on this road." That's worlds better than anything I'm going to tell you. Well, on with it, then. Neko, first and foremost, I'd like to say, STAY AWAY FROM GIRLS ONLINE. I realize during the school year you spend all your time finger-popping the weird immigrants who live in your dorm, but during the summer, I've seen this unfortunate tendency you have. You go for the online ladies. Now, the media has tried to convince us that the internet is a new technology for everyone, and maybe it is, but chances are these girls are really men. Yes, men. And now, even if your lady friends /aren't/ men, they'll probably transform your life into something out OPERATION DUMB DROP. I could tell you some stories, but none of them are about me. I've managed to wisely alienate almost every online female I've come into contact with. If a girl is using her computer, Neko, there is SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER. Girls have OTHER things to do, like plotting to thrown down the patriarchy or a return to Goddess worship. They will descend into the pool and face the shadow. Men will rule no more. They have to become the Earth Mother one week out of every month. There is no biological or social imperative for girls to go online. Average, healthy girls. If a girl is online, she's probably got something desperately and horribly wrong with her. Now, Neko, I'd like to address this issue of punk rock. While it's rumored that I spend all my time listening to the Carter Family and Henry Thomas and Leadbelly, I too have known PUNK FUCKING ROCK. When I was in New York, I spent too much of my precious time in the East Village talking to the original guitarist for the Misfits, Bobby Steels. That Undead album is coming out /any/ day now... Any day. Merle Allen was always around, but I tried to avoid him. But Neko, for me, punk rock really died around 1983. Maybe even a little earlier. There are quite a few bands from before then, and they're all pretty interesting, because they were doing something /new/ then, and I like ignorant hillbillies banging on instruments, and that's ultimately what punk was. I'm sorry, man, but NoFX is not DOPE. 4Q is not where's it at. Pennywise can suck my dick. Do you see where I'm going with this, Neko? At some point the money turned everything to shit. I saw your London Calling shirt at the convention, Neko, and that's DOPE, because The Clash are DOOOOOOOOOOPE. But I've also talked to you a little bit about some more modern bands, and that isn't dope. I don't have a solution for this problem for you, and it might not even be a problem, because my taste sure can't be considered GOOD, but I just never want to find out about you cranking a Blink-182 CD while half drunk and naked. Words of advice... for young people. Never make a deal with a religious son of a bitch. Never get in the middle of a girl and boy fight. Do not buy into the mass media conviction that racism is any better in America now than it was 50 years ago. Black folk can vote and use the toilet, but that's about it. We live in a hideously racist society, it permeates every aspect of the culture, and you can not escape it. I'm a racist. I can't help that. Read about John Brown (1800-1859) of Harper's Ferry. He's the only good white person in American history. Fuck Lincoln, fuck Jefferson, fuck Jefferson Davis, fuck George Washington. Fuck George Bush. Don't vote for George Bush, Jr. Please, god, if you vote, and can't bring yourself to vote for Al Gore, just write my name in on the ballot. (I know a lot of people are going to end up reading this file, because it's going into HOE, and I'd just like to invite them to do the same when the time comes, assuming they're of age and know how to register to vote. DO NOT VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH, JR. WRITE MY NAME IN IF YOU CAN'T STAND AL GORE. ANYTHING BUT GEORGE BUSH JR.) When in foreign countries, don't talk to your fellow Americans. They will invariably be crass and embarrassing, and the natives will probably end up asking you about Bill Clinton's dick. I'm serious. Try as hard as possible to talk to anyone but the Americans, even if it means you have to talk to Germans about Guns N' Roses. Ok, that's it, Neko. I am, Yours Truly, Jarett Kobek [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: AnonGirl FROM: Oregano Advice Letter to Anongrrl by Oregano August 14, 1999 part one scene one take one Anongrrrl, follow these words for a happier, healthier life. One full of wonder and chaos, passion and bloodshed. Hoppy toads jumping for a glad stone ranger. Hip potassium and a large orange soda. take two Audrey, I am not sure how to tell you this, but it is something you need to know. You are loved. Loved by Jesus Christ. Put your trust in him and you'll go far. take three Forget religious crap, that doesn't really come into play until you are old or get married, but it will one day be important, but forget that for now, I have other fish which are in a gol-danged-dimminey-day need of a good old fashioned frying. I learned something important last night, and I need to pass it on to you, it will save you some grief. Tequiza -- the new beer which is a mix of beer and tequilla -- is really disgusting. The ads make it sound bad in the first place, so why did I buy it? Why did I not trust my instincts? Add to the fact that I am not a tequilla fan, except for shots of the caustic elixer when I am out with friends and already quite drunk. Well the Chicago Tribune newspaper liked it, and I trusted them and it was bad. Pukey bad. If it were not my first beer of the evening I would have puked. Had my tummy already been full of Molson Golden, everything would have been evacuated. So see where I am going with this? Know your tastes and just because someone says it is good, if you know you won't like it, then take a pass. I still have five more bottles of the crap when I could right now have five bottles left of Leinkugle's hearty Summer Ale. part two scene one About marriage. I know that you are headed towards marrying my brother, though my brother does not seem to be willing to admit it just yet. But I really think it a bad idea to go with pink tuxs. I know you think it cute and storybook-like, but it will make my brother unhappy, there is such a thing as taking a joke too far (an area where I am a master) and this pink tux idea is way over the line. Just make a decent wedding, the day itself is what is special and fiddling with it will only detract from the vows themselves which is what the day is about. part two scene two (the scene opens with oregano drinking Hooper's Hootch, there are three empty bottles on oregano's desk and a fourth bottle looks to have only had a couple of pulls from it.) Alrighty, between the last scene and this I have started drinking. Actually a lot happened, a lot of time has passed and I need to tell it all before my brain gets too fuzzy. My brother came and went, actually he was two hours late. When he was an hour and a half late -- I sat and waited in my building's lobby for the full 90 minutes -- I went to the grocery store and came back, when I got back my brother was waiting in the driveway and he was pissed. Here he was two hours later than when he said he would come and he said he had been waiting a half hour for me. I had waited an hour and a half so I felt I had the rights to complain more than he. We went to some record stores looking for Allman Brothers posters for the youngest brother, then Sam's club, then I came back and drank three of these Hooper's Hootch, which is not to everyone'staste, but which I love. They are high-octane lemonade with alcohol. What is a Hoe piece without a little rambling, telling a pointless story about what you did just before you started writing the piece. scene three Writing. I have no good advice for how you can change or improve your writing. I like all your articles, you can be counted on to give a well put together slice of life, be it a story on V-1 rockets or getting in trouble in 8th grade, always a delight and easy to read, which is important since things that are hard to read I normally skip. Epiloge I gave the Tequiza to my youngest brother. He is underage so any alcohol makes him happy. Worst comes to worst he'll try one and say how awful it is and get his other friends to want to try the remaining bottles so they can see for themselves how bad it tastes. This is a lesson too. Heed it well. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: The Jester FROM: Daisy When i got this assignment i was like oh cool i can go off on Styx like i have wanted to forever, but then as i scrolled down further and further i saw how our destiny had been predetermined by some program, okay, maybe not our destiny's but at least the basis of our next text file at least......so giving advice to a total stranger sorta makes it weird but I'll go with it, it'll work...so as I read each and every file of The Jesters, I gave my reaction to each one, I hope this classifies as advice if not, oh well at least I tried..... AN ACT OF GOD i like how you say whether God exists or not because it shows that you are open to others opinions and in hopes, respect them...i am a full believer in God and i respect that you are an atheist...its nice to have lots of different opinions in the world and even nicer to see that some people are open to others beliefs as well this whole stinky cheese thing was a bit weird and odd to me but 'eh..whatever floats your boat you know... regardless if you believe in god or not, you need to capitalize his name at ALL TIMES!!!! BUMS AND THE EVERLASTING SEARCH FOR GOD bums and the everlasting search for God...hhmmm i was very angered as i read this, it hurts me to see someone so far from God, I hope you are as open-minded as I first "thought" you were....I am very sorry you feel the way you do about God, I wish I knew you so I could have you listen to MY thoughts on God...I was once in your shoes, but I learned.... REFORMING YOUR TENANTS i really found a greater respect for you as i read text file #358... it was good, especially when you started talking about God, yeah the fact that you still don't capitalize the word God bothers me but 'eh, I'll get over it...I find some comfort in you trusting a religion let it be Buddhism or Christianity, whatever you know??...at least you got one, so that brings a small smile to my face, i loved how you decided to, even if it was a lil' sarcastic, to compliment others beliefs about like how it is "GREAT" that we feel what we do....and i really liked the comments you made on how one should figure out their own religion and not be what religion others tell them, it was very well put JESSE'S SELF DESTRUCTIVE METHODS a huge change from your other files, it was more down to earth, more beautiful, loving, touching, things like that....i loved it i really did was this an experience of yours? nevermind, too personal, sorry.... THE FUTILITY OF EDUCATION IN AMERICA, STUPID okay this is a pre reaction to this, I'm scared, and don't know what to expect from this one...hhmmm...{3 minutes later} wow!! i really liked it and i see what you are saying, it was awesome!!! yeah dealing with all them f**kers in school drove me nuts, but college wasn't like high school, i mean i went to a high school where everyone had so much money that the national pot magazine gave us the title of the 2nd high school in the state of Indiana with the most pot usage....there are a limited number of us outsiders that were not into the way of life this school held, so i looked from the outside and watched these losers smoke there lives away....and where are they now? working off 100 hours of community service with a record of being arrested for possession under thier belts, and whos going to school...not them... REALIZATIONS, PRE-DAWN depressing, i could not imagine being with someone like that in which i did not love, but hell we are all different....trying to figure out the world is hell, hell on earth i tell you....because i have tried that and i discovered that before i could figure out the work i had to figure out myself, it took a long time for that to happen but it just did and i am now truly happy, i have found myself again, i was lost for awhile, for a long time, i graduated high school and was like where do i go from here, but having a boyfriend that lives do far away makes it easier to find myself, i just did and i am now, truly happy.... DREAM YOU interesting....period... WALDENS LIFE STORY wow, these most definitely got more odd as they went on, but good, you seemed to have a tif with God in the beginning, but hell we are all entitled to have phases, we all have 'em My advice to you my friend, well I find it hard to give advice to strangers... [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] TO: Quarex FROM: Ashtray Heart Quarex: If I were to offer you one sentence of advice, it would be: "Don't take my advice." I don't know who came up with this cockamamie idea. I mean, I don't even _read_ h0e. I did meet you, once. I was drunk. You were sober. That about sums it up. I am probably one of the less qualified people on this planet to give you advice. This, however, strikes me as oddly fitting. I have found, and perhaps you will, too, that the only advice you will get from those around you is both unasked for and unneeded. Either they will tell you stuff you already know, or they will tell you stuff that is completely wrong. Nevertheless, I have had a lot of time today to reflect on what I have learned from my life today. It has been a slow day at work. This does not, of course, mean that I have done so. Indeed, one of the things that I have learned about life is that reflecting on life is an entirely overrated activity, generally done by those who have no immediate interest or opportunity in actually living it. So, in lieu of considered reflections, I shall give you an assortment of bilge that would make Polonius green with envy. My advice to you as a writer: Do not write if you can possibly avoid it. There are millions of other more lucrative and productive things to do than writing. For me, as for tens of thousands of others, writing is a diversion, something I have developed a moderate amount of skill at but not the monomaniacal passion or discipline that makes a truly great writer. A writer's life is a hard life, and for my part I will have no part of it. If this labels me as a dilettante, so be it. Writing can occasionally be useful, but it is far more worth your time to work on being a good human being than a good writer (and they are completely separate entities, no matter how much people may confuse the two). If you feel bad, a good way to deal with it is by exercising, shaving, or taking a shower. However, it takes herculean fortitude to undertake these things at these times. Avoid any rock band that takes their name from the works of J.R.R. Tolkien. Also, avoid the writing of James Patterson, as it is really terrible. I before noted the importance of being a 'good human being'. Remember that 'good' and 'nice' are not the same thing at all. Never be afraid to kick a computer. Unlike dogs and women, they respond well to it. While I am talking about the topic of women, I should point out that, however you make on with chicks now, it is highly likely that at some point in your life you will be virtually surrounded by women who find you sexually irresistible. This is most likely to happen at a point in time when you are ethically or libidinally unable to respond to their advances. When giving advice, people are far more likely to tell you what they want to say than what you need to hear. Seek out the company of the old. This for several reasons: 1. Everybody else ignores them. 2. They are wise. This is probably why they are so widely ignored these days. 3. They have no reason to lie any more. It is, for some reason, important to appear to know what the fuck you are doing. Actually knowing what you are doing is not nearly as important. So far as I can tell, nobody knows what they're doing. They're just making it up as they go along. A lot of things in life do not make the least bit of sense. As long as they work anyway, best just not to worry about it. Oh, yes, I also sussed out the meaning of life. It appears to be to live. This isn't nearly as simple as it sounds, but just stumble around doing random things like KILL TROLL WITH AXE and you should stumble on it eventually. You'll know what you've done right when you do it. Either life will make a lot more sense in retrospect, or make no sense at all. Either way, you might as well enjoy it to the best of your ability. Good luck, Ashtray Heart [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #799 - BY: THE HOE STAFF - 8/22/99 ]