"Anarchy is the basis of today's society. Without it, we would be in chaos." - Anarchist _____________________________________________________________ //~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\\ || PURE ANARCHY!!!!!! /| SATAN |\ BOMBZ HARDCORE!! || || ___ ___ | | IS LORD | | _______________ || || |$$$| HOE 1012 |$$$| \`\ !!!!! /'/' |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| || || |$$$| 01/30/00 |$$$| \ `---------' / |$$$|~~~~~~~~~~~ || || |$$$|__________|$$$| / /\ /\ \ |$$$| LOTSA BOOM || || |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| | '' `` | |$$$|___ 2 FUCK || || |$$$$/~~~~~~~~\$$$$| \ ` ' / |$$$$$$$| YA SHT || || |$$$| TRUE |$$$| `\ /' |$$$|~~~ UP!!!! || || |$$$| TERORISM |$$$| 666 `\ /' 666 |$$$|___________ || || |$$$| INSIDE!! |$$$| ___/'`---'`\___ |$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$| || \\ ~~~ ~~~ HOGZA DA ENTROPY! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ // \\ YEAH BOYEE@#! H/P/A/V/C IN DA MOTHAFUCKIN HAUSZ#@!@$ // \\--------------------------------------------------// \\ "Oldschool Christmas Anarchy" // \\ by Sir Oregano The Hacker // \\______________________________________// My brethren in anarchy, gather around. I have some oldschool methods for ruining Christmas for the man, for those who try to keep us down with their rules for how we should think and act this time of year. I know you of the new school want to stick a knife in Santa's ribs or leave a time-delay bomb wrapped as a Christmas present under a store display tree, but my brethren in chaos, I have this to say, there are more subtle ways to shake things up, things that don't get you in prison, things that don't cause crack downs and rousting by the pigs. Here are methods from the oldschool which will foul things up for the drones who just follow along, these will make people take notice and think for themselves. First up comes the Christmas choral concert. This is the number one sacred cow of Christmas. We are supposed to sit and wonder at boring music like little angels. Well if you are an angel you are dead; here's how to shake things up with a little coughing fit. The trick to this is not too be too obvious. Before the show throw down a few coughs to let the drones think you are really a little ill, but then right when the show starts, be quiet, absolutely quiet, and stay silent for a good 20 minutes. This will get the drones thinking you are now fine. This is important, it lulls them into a deeper state of self-denial. Your coughing fit must have been temporary, but they still listen for tell-tale coughing. Then, after this time has passed, let out a few quiet coughs. Nothing big, just something to establish that you are there, just often enough to keep the drones distracted. They will be wondering about you, waiting for the next cough and not listening to the music if you keep it infrequent enough. Finally as you come to the end you go for the high-powered cough, in fact go for a full fit as the Hallelulia choir is peaking, cough so bad that you feel you need to leave the auditorium. This does two things. First it gets you the heck out of there so you won't be confronted after the show. Second it allows you to cough harder and make a racket all the while slowly walking up the aisle. No one can tell you too cool it since you are being a good drone and leaving on your own, but in the meantime the true drones are listening to you leave and wishing you'd walk faster and they pay no attention to the music. The next little trick is so simple that you should have thought of it yourself. Vaseline on the toys. Carry a little jar of Vaseline in the pocket of your coat. Dab a little on a finger and then pick up a toy and rub it on the back of the toy (for example a Gameboy box). Some kid will pick it up and find it slippery and icky and rub it all around him on the store displays or all over his clean Christmas clothing. Be sure to wipe off your finger before moving on to the next item in case the floor walker catches up with you. Spray-on snow is a delightful item that seems to be made for the old school anarchist. This is basically spray paint in a can, with the side benefit of being washable. This is important in that if you are caught with the stuff the worst thing that happens is you spend ten minutes washing off your work, they can't make you do community service as you would with permanent spray paint. I am sure you can think of plenty of places to write choice Christmas greetings anarchy style. Sides of buildings, car windows, busses. You can reach lots of people quickly with your own style of holiday smear. Plus it makes a great quick hit on elevator buttons, for department store elevators, and over the dials of payphones. Think a little and ideas come to you for uses for this chaos-friendly product. Buy yourself a string of Christmas lights and, by hand, burn out every bulb in the string; carry them with you. This bit of anarchy works good both for family gatherings and store displays. The secret here is that if only one bulb is burned out in a string of lights on a tree, none of the bulbs in that string will light and every bulb has to be tested and the bad one replaced. Practice, at home, switching a burned out bulb with a bad one, to get your time down to about four seconds. If you are really good you can switch two bulbs in the same strand of a store tree. This takes them 10 times longer to find what needs to be replaced, they are looking for only one bad bulb. You don't have to be homeless to wander the streets singing new words to Christmas carols. But you do need to be drunk. Go buy some $3 bottle of whiskey and you can easily come up with dirty lyrics to old standards. Nothing gets people out of the shopping mood more than hearing their favorite jingle turned foul. This is a gift which keeps on giving for next time they think of that song or hear it on the radio, they hear your words; they will never enjoy that song again. This is the oldest of the oldschool Christmas tricks. A little alcohol in the punch or eggnog. This works best on children since the parents just think the kids are acting weird due to the spirit of the season. And not till the littles ones start puking will they begin to suspect anything. And lastly comes the old standby of bringing a little anarchy to the church on Christmas Eve. The first is devil horns and a devil's tail. Nothing too obvious, a little subtlety will go a long way here. Maybe wear the devil horns under a ski cap, and take the cap off once services start. The tail can be disguised under a suit jacket and revealed when you lift up the tail of your jacket to sit or stand. These can be gotten cheaply at costume stores outside of the costume season. Second is to change the lyrics to hymns. This is similar to the changing the lyrics to Christmas carols but you have a captive audience so be careful to not be quite as dirty. In fact you may get the best effect with a few kind words to Satan or other densians of the dark. The good part here is that in Church people can't talk to each other and compare notes, so they will leave you alone when you are singing about the Dark One, but in the car on the way back home they will ask, "Did you hear the same thing I did?" "Was he singing about Satan?" "I thought I was hearing things." Those of you who really need to make a statement in a church can make a go for the host. Hardcore brethren only, this one takes some stones. Stand up and receive the host from the priest then turn towards the congregation and spit out the host on the ground and in a loud voice yell, "Yeech! Christ could at least have taken a shower before he died for our sins!" No need to limit yourself to these tricks, there are so many more like putting dirty books in the kid's section of Christmas book displays. Getting a job as an elf helping Santa and telling children that Santa secretly hates them and they will get no gifts; even building a four foot tall snow penis then coating it with water to make the penis four feet of indestructible ice. All these will keep the drones on their toes and make them think instead of just following along like sheep to the house of slaughter. There you have it brethren, ways to make the season memorable. And do it in ways that in a sense go beyond simple havoc in that they are all technically legal. There is not much the cops can do to you if caught. Good luck in your anarchy, the oldschool way. A terror Christmas to all and to all a good blight. [--------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) HOE EZINE! WWW.HOE.NU! A-BEWM-BEWM! #1012 -> BY OREGANO - 1/30/00 ]