s$ $$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1094 [-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "Going To Hell In An Easter Basket" $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by Justin Parisi $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 06/14/00 [-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --] $$ $$ "TssT" "TssT" It was a Thursday when I realized that most of us are going to Hell. I was at Wal-Mart, shopping for candy to make Easter baskets for my family when right in between the chocolate covered peanut butter eggs and jelly beans, an ominous beacon of false prophecy appeared. Well, it didn't exactly APPEAR, but its presence was nonetheless very real. It was enough to garner a gasp as if it had simply appeared out of nowhere. There on the shelf resting in a shiny silver plastic package was an object of edible, idyllic blasphemy -- a chocolate cross. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever expect to see the symbol of all that is holy (at least in the Christian sense of the word) molded from cocoa, xanthan gum and sugar. Now, I may be old-fashioned, but doesn't that seem just a tad bit wrong? We've all seen plastic crosses, even a ceramic Jesus or two and rainbow colored rosaries, but isn't a confectionery crucifix taking it a bit far? What's next? Jesus wearing a Santa hat? The Easter bunny being crucified? And whatever happened to the so-called wholesome family values that Wal-Mart represents? Is it more right to sell CD's without the "cuss words" than it is to merchandise sacrilege? I bet ol' Sam Walton is rolling over in his grave. Wal-Mart has probably managed to offend both Christians and non-Christians alike. Christians would be appalled for obvious reasons, while non-Christians could claim that Wal-Mart is ruining the "spirit" of the holiday by reminding everyone that Easter isn't all about chocolate bunnies. Worse yet, Wal-Mart was able to offend me, someone who cannot be offended. That alone screams for a nationwide recall of these tasty trinkets of the trinity. The sad part about the whole thing is that there is an inherent element of truth. It reminds me of the Simpsons' Easter special, where the opening shot featured a church with the message board outside saying, "Christ dyed his eggs for your sins." Easter, it seems, as well as other holidays, has become a veritable laughingstock. Holidays are no longer the "Holy Days" they were intended to be. Sure, people still go to church and a few of them even know what the holidays are all about. But as soon as the church bells toll, it's off to the races-of to unwrap presents or munch on their chocolate crosses. For proof of this notion, just pay attention to of people's actions next Christmas. Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Christ, a time where Christians rejoice and sing His praises. Well, at least it looked good on paper. Instead, the season to be holy is the season to be jolly. I guess that meaning got lost somewhere in the translation. Instead of practicing brotherly love at Christmas, people, sometimes literally, kill each other to finish their shopping. They are worshipping false idols in the forms of Christmas trees and gifts wrapped in shiny paper. Little plastic angels are stuck on top of the trees because they're "pretty" not because they bring news of the birth of Christ, our Savior. At Easter, baskets and bunnies replace the trees and presents as items of worship. Candy is eaten in place of communion. The scene reminds me of the movie "The Ten Commandments," when Moses goes to the Mount to speak to God. He is gone for a while and his people get restless and begin to doubt the faith. So they start to party and build a golden calf to worship. They indulge their primitive desires and when Moses returns, he is pissed. If Moses lived today, particularly during the months of December and April, he'd probably quit his job and retire. Now, I'm not preaching here, because I'd be the first to point out the fallacies of the Christian religion. What I am saying, is that holidays need reform because the whole plight of the system stinks to high Heaven. It's almost as if non-Christians felt left out of the whole holiday circle and decided to make their own celebrations. The Christians, with their weakness to temptation exposed, decided that, "Hey! That looks like more fun than our crummy celebrations!" And the notion stuck. Even the minor holidays are being corrupted. Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day, were once celebrations of the saints for whom they are named, are now cluttered by cupids and leprechauns. Look at Halloween, one of the few uncorrupted holidays. Uncorrupted, that is, because the meaning and celebrations have not changed for centuries. Halloween is a pagan holiday in which people dress as ghosts and demons so that the real ghosts and demons will be fooled into not dragging them off to Hell. The candy involved is probably the only element that is a bit off, since I don't think that Hershey bars existed in the 16th century. However, the candy is key. Candy is a common bond for all holidays and Christians should be alarmed that a pagan holiday like Halloween is using a tactic similar to Christian holidays like Christmas and Easter. In fact, I once met a family that was. I was trick-or-treating a while back, when I was about 13 and I came to a house and knocked on the door. Two kids answered and I said "trick or treat!" The kids looked at me and said, "We're sorry, but we don't believe in Halloween." Yes, I was miffed then, but looking back, perhaps that was the best holiday experience I ever had: two children were keeping within their beliefs by not caving in to the societal pull of popular holidays. So should we eliminate holidays? Of course not. They're positive things when their meanings are kept intact. It's nice to get a day of independence on July 4th, or spend time with family on Labor Day, or to take time out to remember fallen soldiers. But the holidays should be observed for what they essentially are-days with meaning. For those without days of meaning, let's make a new holiday, where costumes, candy and chocolate bunnies are the focus. Call it "Confectioner's Fun Day" and have it three times a year. You could hold it on Pleasure Island and celebrate it with Disney and Pinocchio. Just stop making chocolate crosses. Otherwise, you'd better ask to be buried in Bermuda shorts because it's gonna be hot where you're going. [-------------------------------------------------------------------------] [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu #1094, BY JUSTIN PARISI - 6/14/00 ]