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     $$     .d""b. .d""b.                  HOE E'ZINE #1102
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     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$                   "Recollection"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                        by Phairgirl
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                      06/28/00
 [-- $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

        It's been a year and a half.

        Year and a half,

                (long long time).

        Don't remember much,

        but that's the way years and a halves go... not that everything is so
 different, although it is

                not the same

        although I don't recall caring one way or another.  Caring?  Care?
 So that's what they do, over there, when I'm not watching.

        Yes, I care.  I'm such a liar.  A good liar

                (or maybe just a drunk, I don't fucking know anymore)

        who continually defies her nature for the sake of others.  Why?  I
 don't know.  How in the hell did I get so friendly?  Why haven't I murdered
 anyone yet?  Maybe I did, I think I murdered Jeff.  I think that was just a
 dream, though.  Someone else murdered Daisy.  So sad to see her go.

        Cuz I fucking kill and maim and destroy.

                Well, not really, I just say that to get chicks.

        Wind it all up and cut it loose, 'cause I know it's what you've all
 paid to see.

        Napoleon doesn't pay.

        And all this random shit won't leave me alone, it haunts me, all this
 evil badness masquerading as beauty in my head that reminds me of who I am
 and who I pretend to be,

                and why I need to change,

        because carrying on like this might scar me

                even more than I already am

        for life.

        And fuck everyone else out there, I'm a fucking bitch, I hate it when
 you eat like a pig, you stupid fucker, I hate the way you talk and I hate
 your stories about all the dogs you used to have when you grew up, and I'm
 tired of catering to your idiocy just so I don't

                LOOK BAD

        because I already do.

        And even after all this time, and all this change, I can't stand to
 look at my name.  It's not me.  I'm someone else now,

                a year and a half has changed me,

        and no matter what you might read, you don't know who I am.

        I like it like that,

                YEEEEEEEEAH BABAYYYY!

        And one of these days you'll figure that out, that I'm not all about
 my breasts or my conquests or my past

                (or even any of this),

        although you do have to admit it really wasn't anything anyway.

        If seasons change, why can't mine?

                WHY

                        CAN'T

                                MINE

                YOU TOOK THAT AWAY FROM ME

        Change.

        I have to change.

        I CAN'T FUCKING CHANGE.

                I tried.

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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu   HOE #1102, BY PHAIRGIRL - 6/28/00 ]