============================================================================ ********* *** *** ****** ********* *** *** *** * *** *** *** *** ** *** ********* ******* *** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** ** *** he *** *** umus *** ** eport THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s. Issue 003, Vol I April 1988 copyright (c) 1988 caren park chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff all rights reserved, and all that legal rigamarole ============================================================================ A few remarks from the chief bottle washer: Hello, there, fellow friends of weird. We are very happy to bring to you the strangest and most absurd that we can find in a format pleasing to the inquiring mind. We will attempt to bring to you items of focus, items for the discriminating thought process that some of us have (usually after we order a Dick's Deluxe with anything on it), items with little social redeeming value. These are our goals, and we wish you to become a small part in this orchestration. If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus Report, we'd appreciate it. Our address will be given to you near the end of our report. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to you... We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after month... We would also appreciate it if you would distribute this newsletter far and wide, to the six corners of the world, to the heights and depths your soul can reach, the ends of the universe, and even to Encino, California, if you should happen to be down there before I... The only restriction I make upon its distribution is that NO CHARGE, zero, zilch, nil, none, all of the above, NO CHARGE will be made for this newsletter unless I receive 100% of that charge... This means, NO CHARGE for diskette distribution, NO CHARGE for inclusion with other junk, NO CHARGE for access, etc... As I am insured by the Guido and Vittorio Pin-Stripe Violin Case Maker Insurance Company, I hope there will be no exceptions... I also have a program called CKP-MSG.ARC which contains virtually everything you will see here and about 2 megabytes (in ARC/PKX format) more. For a nominal cost per year, I will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the datafile to you... address inquiries about this program and/or the datafile to the address near the end of our report... This show can thank the following people: caren park (chief bottle washer and etc), the cast and crew of KGFO AM and FM, and another cast of few... So, without further adieu, on with the show... ============================================================================ "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..." ============================================================================ April contains more than a few non-humus breeders; indeed, an amazing number of thespian-types was born during this particular month. We here at The Humus Report don't know whether this is due to the water their parents were drinking during conception, or the phases of the moon, or [we'll leave this particular guesstimate to your own fertile imagination]. Lon Chaney (01 Apr 1883), Sir Alec Guiness (02 Apr 1914), Jack Webb (we include him here simply for comic relief, not to mention it gives us a chance to sing his hit theme song, "dum-de-dum-dum"... 02 Apr 1920), Doris Day (would you believe 02 Apr 1924?), Marlon "Ah Cudda Ben Uh Contenda (but not an speech teacher [ed.])" and "STELLLLLLAAAAA" Brando (03 Apr 1924), Bette Davis (05 Apr 1908), WC "Who took the cork off my Lunch?!" Fields (09 Apr 1879), silent Charlie Chaplin (16 Apr 1889), and Shirley "Good Ship Lollipop" Temple "United Nations" Black (23 Apr 1928) round out the thespian section for this month. Musicians born this fine month include Billie "Lady" Holliday (07 Apr 1915), Lionel Hampton (12 Apr 1913), and The Duke of Ellington (29 Apr 1899). Booker T Washington got his start on the 5th, 1856... Kellogg Cereal's founder, WK Kellogg came out on the 7th, 1860... John Hanson, the first president of the United States (look it up if you don't believe me) was born on the 13th, 1721... Thomas Jefferson followed exactly 22 years later... FW Woolworth, the man who made nickels and dimes into zillions, born on the 13th as well, 1852... one of the greatest genies of all time, Leonardo da Vinci, breathed his first on the 15th, 1452... John Muir, upon whose trail they've named and I've walked, on the 21st, 1838... William Shakespeare, Bard-On-Avon, 23rd, 1564... Edward R Murrow, a man of integrity, on the 25th, 1908... and John James Audobon, showing us a different way of looking at fauna and flora, on the 26th, 1785... We can't verify that Oliver Pollock, a businessman in the South, knew he created the "$" sign on April Fool's Day, but we're checking on it... Oh, and in case no one told you before, April 1st IS April Fool's Day AND St Stupid's Day in San Francisco... wonder what the coincidence factor is there... The Titanic sank about 02:20 on the 15th of April, 1912. Wasn't that the same day the IRS came into being? Another coincidence?... The first "Washateria" (laundromat) opened in Fort Worth, Texas, on the 18th, 1934. There is no truth to the rumor that a tanning booth and full- dress bar were available just upstairs... The State of Connecticut, always on the cutting edge, finally approved the Bill of Rights on the 19th of April... 1939... Better late than never, one might suppose... And, no, we didn't forget: 29 April 1913, The all-purpose zipper is patented... Oh, yeah. For those of you with signs of insecurity: Aries : Lucky Neptune and charming Venus are going out with a two- timing mystical Taurus, while Cleveland is banging away at Mercury's cusp near Virgo. This bodes well for bringing magick into your life sometime in the near future (one year timeframe), but, until then you'll be spinning your wheels because of the Scorpios stopped at the red light down by the A&P near Dairy Queen ogling the Nike billboard... For what it's worth... ============================================================================ "Call me at 7am. It is necessary that I get up at 7am. Keep knocking until I answer. Try again at 10am" ============================================================================ Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From a recent letter in the Daily... Editor: I am pleased to announce a new liberation organization called ALIVE (Army for Living Energy) which has been created in response to recent clashes between so-called right-to-lifers and murderous pro-choice elements. Tim Sherer's letter (Daily, Vol 92, No 61, page sixteen) hit the issue where it counts. Sperm and ova are alive before conception! Thus, allowing ova to go unfertilized is murder, and every ejaculation takes more lives than Hitler killed during World War II. These atrocities must be stopped at once. ALIVE intends to bring about world-wide revolution, and our policies in liberated territories will be outlined herein. In liberated areas, the following actions will be considered a crime: .1. For women, refusing an offering of semen (unless she has a certificate proving pregnancy) .2. For men, refusing to fertilize a female who is not pregnant .3. The use of any birth-control method, including abstinence .4. Non-reproductive sexual activity resulting in ejaculation, unless a medical team is called and every available means are used to rescue the unconceived (usually scraping them off the sheets, then placing them in suspended animation for in vitro fertilization will do the job) .5. Menses, unless a medical team is called in to rescue the ovum .6. The use or possesion of any implement which might endanger human life. This includes nuclear weapons, automobiles, and fast food Of course, the penalty for all of these crimes is death by execution. Eventually, after our goal of world-wide revolution is reached, we will also consider the following activities criminal: .1. Causing the death of any life form .2. Any form of euthanasia for the terminally ill We are sure many of you and your friends, being the just and proper citizens of planet you are, will want to join ALIVE yourselves and join in the revolution. Listen for our motto "Every Sperm is Sacred" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Women Unite! Make him sleep in the wet spot tonight! ============================================================================ Credibull: Your political party's promises ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Give us your answers, your heart, your opinions, your money... We want to hear from you, dear readership, as to what you believe the "best" of the best "things" are, be they places, foods, entertainment, divorce lawyers, etc... We're going to ask you to bop your answers to us at the post office box listed at the end of our cute little newsletter here... The results will be published in an up-coming issue, and we will publish names/addresses only if you do NOT give us threatening comments asking us to keep your name/address from print... ALL underground figures will be listened to... And now, without further adieu, we list here those items we'd like to find out what you consider the "best"... --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- romance... . 1. Best restaurant for romance (CHEAP) . 2. Best bike ride for two . 3. Best place to propose . 4. Best place to visit for a three-day weekend . 5. Best hidden hot springs . 6. Best view, out of casual sight . 7. Best divorce lawyer --- --- --- --- --- FOOD! . 8. Best foods for that special evening . 9. Best all-night takeout .10. Best ethnic food, without question .11. Best restaurant that you MUST drive over 1 hour to reach .12. Best place for dessert after an event (movies/theatre/sports) .13. While we're at it, the BEST chocolate available --- --- --- --- --- miscellaneous joys... .14. Best comedy nightclub .15. Best all-around entertainment nightclub .16. Best radio DJ .17. Best way to jazz up a longtime relationship .18. Best place to buy lingerie .19. Best place for skinny-dipping .20. Best book and/or music to curl up to a fireplace/body with ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Incredibull: the other party's promises ============================================================================ One of the things that I tell people that ask me is that I LOVE to travel, but that I don't travel well... I've been known to spend more time going across town than across the continent, and perhaps one day I'll place those memories here for your perusal, but for now, here's a story from a young Texan with a travel tale that makes me happy I haven't been doing much driving of late... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Traveler's Guide to the Mojave Desert (c) 1987 ... Malcolm Petcher If West Texas is where The Lord sat while He made the World, the Mojave Desert has to be where He spread out the parts and left what He didn't want to use. It is the one place in the whole United States that was blessed with absolutely no natural resources whatsoever, and ranges from inconvenient to downright hostile to travelers. This trip started as a simple business trip to Ridgecrest, a town so deeply embedded in the desert as to defy belief. Ridgecrest was placed there to provide homes, motels, a K-mart, a MacDonald's, and a Denny's to people visiting or stationed at the China Lake Naval Base. The Base was placed there, in turn, because the DOD, in its infinite wisdom, rarely places a base somewhere anybody would actually WANT to go. I suppose, in this particular case, the location was selected so as to be exactly across Death Valley from Las Vegas, so any time somebody goes AWOL the MP's just have to wait a couple days, then dispatch a helicopter to pick up the body. Saves a lot of money otherwise spent on courts martial... Problems returned, though, when it came time to say farewell to Ridgecrest and return to the more civilized world where they have such scientific advances as airplanes and modular telephone jacks. It was snowing lightly as I drove out of town. As I passed over the first set of mountains which punctuate the otherwise flatish desert I noticed there was actually snow on the road, and I was going through it, something one prefers not to do while heading down a mountain except when skiing. This went on for a couple hours of rather slow driving, until I got just south of a city called Victorville. That's where the roads were closed. State troopers were directing all traffic across the median, and back to whence we had come, meaning Victorville. "Fine," I thought, "just stay at a motel in Victorville until the snow goes away, then I'm out of here." I soon found out an important fact about Victorville: The wise local investors and business people, recognizing the unlikelyhood of anybody actually visiting Victorville on a voluntary basis, had erected rather a paucity of local hostelries. Meaning once the Holiday Inn filled up it was bad news for anybody else needing to stay the night. With the road closed to the south, nothing much to the east or west, and the prospect of going up slim at best until I could find an airport, I had no choice but to travel north again. I drove past a couple motels out there in the desert wilderness, which looked like they had existed since Biblical times and had signs saying things like "Truck driver's special, 4:00 AM to 8:00 AM for $7. Since it wasn't 4:00 AM yet I opted to drive on in hopes of something more civilized, maybe even with inside plumbing and only one guest per room. Finally, I reached Barstow! Plenty of motels, some of them actually looked sanitary, and there were vacancy signs! I was skeptical at first, of course, because some of the places I had tried in Victorville had neon signs saying "vacancy" but when I inquired about a room they said they were really full, but the "no" part of the sign had burned out, possibly years ago, and they just never noticed until today when they tried to turn it on. Not the case in Barstow, though. Real vacancies here! I got one of the last available rooms at a nice looking place called "The Desert Inn." Not to be confused, of course, with the Desert Inn in Las Vegas, or for that matter, the Desert Inn in every other municipality anywhere within the Mojave Desert. So that was that. I had a place to stay. Dragged my stuff into the room, set up my computer and set to work defeating their telephone system. The next morning I waited until midmorning, figured the roads south should be open by now, so I packed up my stuff again, tossed it into the car, and headed to the lobby to check out. There I was confronted by a long line of people waiting at the desk. "Ah," I thought, "A lot of other people are ready to leave too." Not being in a big hurry, I sat down and waited for the line to get shorter. As I watched the people in line and their transactions at the desk I started getting a sinking feeling as I noticed two particular things: 1. All the people were checking in, not out. 2. All the people looked like they had spent the night in their cars. As I watched this I reached in my pocket and found the key to my room. I fondled it as the clerk started turning people away. I loved this key, more than any other posession, regardless how transient a posession it might be. I could have had, at that point, the Hope Diamond, or the deed to the biggest mansion in Dallas in my pocket, and I wouldn't have fondled those with the love that I now fondled my motel key. I quietly slipped back out of the office to my car, took my belongings back to the room, and unpacked while thanking the deity of my choice for giving me both the insight and the complete disregard for the suffering of other people to have made this choice rather than giving up the room to, say, a family with young children sleeping in the parents' arms. After the second night at the Desert Inn the roads had, indeed, been cleared. I was able to drive south to the airport, and freedom... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cold: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions Cold: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets ============================================================================ And now, for the news... All of the news this month will be true, just as it came off the wire into our editing room. None of the facts have been changed to protect the innocent, or anyone else for that matter... Behold... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A friend who works at a large city hospital reports that on summer nights the emergency room handles a large number of cases involving persons injured in fights. The reason given for injuries, however, is usually "accident." One night, a man was brought in with a broken leg. He claimed that because of the hot weather he had opened all his windows, filled his bathtub with cold water, and was sitting there cooling off. Suddenly, he said, a typewriter came flying through the bathroom window, landing in the tub and broke his leg. The nurse smiled at his creativity and duly noted the cause of injury on the hospital record. Later that night, a police officer brought in a man who had been injured resisting arrest for possession of stolen goods. The man had attempted to flee by climbing down a fire escape. "The only problem," said the officer, "is that he took a typewriter with him as he ran and we can't figure out what happened to it" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A government office in the state of Washington received a snapshot of a man wearing a sport shirt and a Hawaiian lei --- and this letter from a woman: "Would you be so kind as to go through your file of photos of the state's drivers and tell me who this gentleman is and where he lives. I met him while on vacation and we had so much fun" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Beep. Whirr. And a town's records are gone. Those sounds might have accompanied the erasure of all the computerized financial records in Prescott Valley, Arizona. Every account in the town shows a zero balance --- and officials have no idea how much has been spent, or how much is left. A costly reconstruction of the data is underway. A town official says the erasure was a "deliberate attack," and doesn't appear to be accidental - Gregory Hine's birth anniversary, 1987 - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kidnapping a pedestrian would have been the ultimate. And stealing Maryland Governor William Donald Schaefer's doormat would have ranked just above ripping off a phone booth. In a scavenger hunt that students from two Annapolis high schools hatched last week, the name of the game was outrageousness, with the top thefts worth a shot at a cash jackpot. Instead, though, the night of high jinks led to three arrests. The most exotic items on a scavenger list found by police were not collected, but participants managed to find such items as a soft-drink vending machine, a portable toilet and a mailbox. "Basically, it's been a nuisance crime, not only to us, but to the owners of the goods," said police Sergeant T J Harrington - 26 March 1987 Seattle Times - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A junior farmer group is using the call of nature in hopes of spicing up a bingo game. It's Cow Patty Bingo, says Pam Markham, president of the Huntsville Ag Booster Club. The county fairgrounds arena will be divided into large, numbered squares that gamblers can buy for $2 to $10. The winner, who will pocket up to $500, will be the one whose square contains the largest cow patty after the cow wanders around the arena. In case of a tie, the evidence left on the bingo square will be weighed. "Hopefully, the cow will feel the urge to let the chips fall," Markham said Thursday. Next month's game is intended to raise money for equipment for the agriculture club - 28 March 1987 Huntsville Alabama AP - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Former senator Sam Ervin (D-NC) says he agreed to make a commercial for American Express cards because the government needed the money. "You know, the government takes 53 1/2 percent of every dollar I make," Ervin told a news conference yesterday before a speech at William Paterson College. "I knew the government needed the money, so I figured I'd make some more from the commercials so I could pay my income tax" - April 1978 Wayne NJ AP - ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thousands of Australians, victims of an April Fool's Day prank, gaped as electronics millionaire Dick Smith sailed into Sydney harbor towing a giant "iceberg." With a radio reporter broadcasting live from the "iceberg," Smith fooled harborside watchers, radio listeners and newsmen rushing to cover the even, as he came slowly into view. The "iceberg" was a barge covered with white plastic sheets and fire-fighting foam. In the gloom and drizzle of early dawn it looked like the real thing. Radio and TV stations and newspaper offices were swamped with calls. Scores of small craft raced in to inspect the strange object. Ferry skippers politely got out of the way. Smith told radio listeners he planned to moor the "iceberg" near the Opera House so it could be cut into tiny cubes --- to be sold at 10 cents each as "Dicksickles." "The prank cost me $1450," he said. "I do these things for kicks --- takes the boredom out of everyday work" - 01 April 1978 Sydney UPI - ============================================================================ As promised from last issue, we now present something just a little bit different... If GOOD radio could truly be called mind candy, you are in for a caloric overload of monumental proportions... With Wonder Bread in hand, and a BIG thanx to the kindly local Cafe Dionysus crowd, and a special thanx to the Head Waiter hisself, we twist the dial and present for your listening pleasure KGFO AM and FM... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 87September24 from Portion Control Medium wave. Broadcast band. Turning the dial slowly, micron by micron, we pass through the aural landscape to our target. At one point there is the faint sound of an electric razor with a foreign accent. The signal comes from far away and too much information has gone astray on its travels between there and here and the ionosphere. Consulting the Alternate World Radio & TV Handbook, we find the suggestion that we are hearing the Mayan time station, counting backwards 24 hours a day to the world's end. Past this we hear crackling static, sounds made by our star and others as well as by dental fillings that do not receive but transmit. At the point these sharp pops give way to endless, soothing flapping we have reached the lower boundary of the bandwidth of KGFO-AM, Cult-Talk Radio for the Pacific Northwest, the left-brained verbal twin to the right-brained FM music station. Both stations remain on the air, broadcasting all kinds of subversion, despite a total lack of commercials and a lukewarm response to the yearly pledge drive. Support comes from the sale of subliminal advertising, sold to anyone that can decode the mailers sent out by KGFO's cryptography/sales department. 87September25 from Wadical Weft And Good Day to all you listners. I am Wadical Weft, your Free Duck Following Announcer. Today we have a wonderful program just for you Right Wing types. The Insanity Acting Troup has created a aural simulation of a Bork Burning [no no, not a book burning, you don't want immediate gratification, now do you?]. Which will follow right after this public disservice announce brought to you by The Great Feathered One and his legions. "Ducks, is life on Greenlake become hazardous lately? Were you floating next to Ozzie Mallard when he was sucked into oblivion? Well, the facts are that in these days of dangerous living, you, yes you must practice safe saxaphones. This means no more sharing reeds with just anyone. Do you know who is underneath you? This Management Information Bulletin was brought to you by: Ducks Incorporated" 87September25 from Trespassers William Once again, we remind you, dear listener, that it is time to switch over to KGFO FM; the muddled shores of your mind thereupon to open, within and without which the faraway reaches of Southern skies to behold. *crrrzzzaackklepopppesshiisssssssssssssss* ...'nd tomorrow is today here on KGFO FM, your Stereo Pond. This is Dirk Mallard, broadcasting live from the True Pond. We have today, for your edification and enjoyment, a live performance of some truly bent music, originally from the Underwater Tapes, but today, here on KGFO, performed by His Majesty, Black Quack Black, an old tune, 'Ducks and Fish'. Paddle away boys... 'Twang Twang Twang' These four walls seem awful close the lights bore into my brain the great outdoors are really the most Groovin' with the fish and the ducks in the rain. I've got problems in my head the fish and ducks have none at all my heart recoils in sorrow and dread the fish and ducks are having a ball. They say we learn by imitation that's how we get our education this calls for serious speculation on the usefullness of thought. And so we search for a solution to intellectual pollution IT'S A PSYCHOREVOLUTION... and it doesn't mean a lot. I've got problems in my head the fish and ducks have none at all my heart recoils in sorrow and dread the fish and ducks are having a ball. I sometimes think about these things that some care about so much nuts and bolts and screws and springs are meaningless to fish and ducks. So...the only thing we all can do is close our books and make a wish that we forget all we once knew so we can PLAY WITH THE DUCKS AND FISH! 'twang twhang twahang...' Ah, yes, a truly black duck he is. Wasn't that absolutely ducky? Now, a word, and such a word from... 87September27 from Wadical Weft It is with extreme sorrow that we announce today that Dirk Mallard, extremely popular announcer on KGFO FM during its off hours was waddling serenely a short distance from the True Pond when it was recalled to the GFO via a falling helicopter. 87September27 from Trespassers William ...Further information just in on that last report...apparently the helicopter that killed Dirk was the KIRO Newsradio Chopper...piloted by "Crash" Brindle. Brindle escaped unhurt. 87September28 from Schedules A & B KGFO am: KGFO fm: Kay-jiff-oh Cagy f-ho' ay-ayy-yem! F 'em. Good evening, I'm Schedule B, your it is now ten Monday night pm. KGFO cee-dee-rom-jay, if weather calls ever forced to make for calm but use of such chilly outdoor technologies, and I bathing for the just want to state next five days; that I'm not afraid right now outside to announce the name the studio the of any band or to water temperature play any song, and is fifty-two the FHA can't touch degrees. The this station 'cause wind comes from we have divine the north, from protection--the Boreas "who makes non-mammalian men shiver", and kind! Now taking well he should, requests on our siblings. My twenty four hour name is Schedule three hundred baud A; it is time for request line at for the ten 523-KGFO. If o'clock reading. you're calling from Tonight recluse a telephone just Raphael scream over the Hythlodaye will carrier real loud read from his and maybe "So Zoraster Lisa our lovely Spoke, haiku telecommunications translation by volunteer will hear R. Hythlodaye". you. Now I'll try I'd ask why he to shut up until the left out next mandated Nietzsche's name station id and let but Raphael's you listen to some nature is to music. Here's avoid any Eugene Chadbourne spontaneous playing his acoustic speech. With version of "Purple no more delay... Haze... 87September29 from Marc ...AND THAT WAS Duck Savage and the Toadys with their cover of "Lily's Pad", originally recorded by that much-touted but often-forgotten Northwestern garage band, ------. Now for our 10:00 News Beak, and filling in for the late Dirk Mallard is KGFO's token amphibian, Biff Otamine: "The investigation of the untimely death of this station's top anchorbird, Dirk Mallard, continues. Foul play is suspected, and recently uncovered evidence suggests that the KIRO helicopter was instrumental in a plot to undermine the spreading influence of the Church of Christ Waterfowl, considered by many new believers to be Humanity's Last Hope Before the Big You-Know-What. Expert mechanical witnesses have found that the wingless flier had been about to be recalled by its maker, and an insurance policy had been taken out on it just the day before the "accident". Feathermore, unnamed sources have revealed that pilot Brindle's underwear was if the inflate-upon-impact variety popular with many of today's militant mamallians. More information when it surfaces. Ribit!" Thanks, Biff. Next up on turntable 5 is the new single by the Post Apocalyptic Crackhouse Experience: "Hold Out Your Hand, It's the Corn Starch Man!" 87September30 from Trespassers William ***qukkkackkkzzzpop*** ...'ime for our nightly sermon, here on KGFO FM, once again, as you don't yet know our future past present described in detail by the nameless and heretofore unheard friend of some not of mammals, lest tricks of the eye deceive, do not look at your speakers, and lighten up. Many are the reeds. Blameless we hold they who hide amongst them. Upon this SEA of TROUBLE there is a peace, verily, a peace which, lost long ago, returns like the Summer upon our bills. Bills, owed long debts of nothing to noone, paid to keep TROUBLE away, not out of any sense of duty, for, if need be we FLY, FLY from our debts, yet we can never fly from our bills. Demons, it is said, lie beneath the surface, hungry for our flesh, hungry for sustenence, and it is said that some among us, even, yea verily, the best among us have been taken. DARK Demons, TROUBLING Demons, TROUBLED times. Upon the Pond, the True Pond, we are at peace, yet death lurks in hungry shadow beneath the surface. FLIGHT is useless, FLIGHT is good, we FLY from Demons, yet still are devoured, devoured even by MACHINES of men, yet, verily, we take them down with us into the DARK. Who can expose this horror? When will the horror bring itself into the light? Duck, heal thyself. The DARK is among us, WITHIN us. Banish it, as if molting among the reeds. Many are the reeds. 87September30 from Wadical Weft This just in from Avian network news: Fowlish Player, underground leader of the anti mammalian league today announce that its suicide attack on a B1 bomber was successful. He was quoted as saying that the league would do whatever it could to kept non- living flyers out of the sky. Throngs of birds were seen carrying the feathers of their lost comrades and they marched down the streets of Denver. The contra avians said that these demonstrations are the result of increased media attention to the league and that they would die down soon. Player said he and his associates would do whatever was required to keep metal out of the sky. More on this as it comes in over the network. 87September30 from Haydn Sikh And now for a commercial announcement: GFO says: Read Puget Sound Youth Culture Hearald Annal of Drug Experimentation Literature In America. Good stuff lies herein such as: "Man, if I had posi, I could roast 'em." 87September30 from Tamji Okahara And here, brought to you (if you can hear my voice, you're in KGFOland), live from the True Pond, Duck the Knife, by Bobby Darin. "...And the crowd forms, on the wing, babe, Now that Ducky's...BACK IN TOWN..." 87October01 from Trespassers William AND NOW, A SPECIAL REPORT FROM KGFO NEWS RADIO... This is KGFO NEWS ANCHOR Dirk Mallard. I'm whispering because I am in a great deal of danger at this moment. This may be my last broadcast, but we will carry through to the end. I am upended in the True Pond, looking below the surface. Reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated, but at my direction. I am wearing a waterproof microphone, it is dark and silty. We, in the tradition of KGFO, have gone the one extra step in order to bring you the story...and today the story, as it has been for several weeks, is the shadow that haunts all those of our community, the nameless shadow that brings death from below...I am alone here, at the North End of the True Pond, among the reeds, and I see, gliding near the bottom of the Pond, fairly distant, a shadow, long and wide. Swinging back and forth as if hunting. I can feel the hatred of this darkness, but I do not recognize it...it seems to be coming this way. This may be time to call retreat...but it is not a reporters job to retreat. Closer still it glides....it is enormous, far larger than a sea lion, or shark...a black shadow upon a greenblack background...closer it looms ...hell, I'm out of here, I won't die for investigative reporters honor. My...It's speeding up I don't think I can ge.....acccchqhavk! 87October01 from Wadical Weft Please Stand By. We are Experience Technical Difficulties. Our Technician ran out of Mind Altering Wonder Bread. ============================================================================ And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that man does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than I, "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think? If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here, and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to: caren park 2557 Fourteenth Avenue West Suite 501 Seattle, Washington 98119 (01 January 1992) We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for our survival... Our next issue will be out near the end of the month of March, and we'll cover , and we'll throw in several other items of merit, just for good measure... We leave you now with a few thoughts... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Canada Bill Jones' Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cancer cures smoking ...until next month...