============================================================================ ********* *** *** ****** ********* *** *** *** * *** *** *** *** ** *** ********* ******* *** *** *** *** ** *** *** *** *** ** *** he *** *** umus *** ** eport THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s. Issue 013, Vol III #03 February 1992 copyright (c) 1992 caren park chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff all rights reserved, and any/all applicable legal rigamarole ============================================================================ Well, it's been quite some time since The Humus Report graced video screens, and we're sorry about that. A multitude of events has happened to your editor since last I typed in these pages. I fervently hope that it won't again be long before the next issue hits your phosphors... With that said, there will be a few minor changes made to distribution. As computer networks find themselves venturing further afield, I hope to hook up with one or two in order to get the largest conceivable distribution possible for this humble little electronic rag. We will also be changing very slightly the interior contents. While the humour will not change (it will still, hopefully, be as funny and as offbeat as before), we will be adding the occasional editorial commentary on a wide variety of topics. There will be semi-regular columns, too: as mundane as a "How-to" corner; as obnoxious as the "Revenge!" section, for those who are seriously in need of a good time at the expense of someone else; as trivial as the "This Month's Trivia Contest"; as strange as the "News" section, with its "Truth is Stranger than Fiction" theme; and, with your help, a "Letters to the Publishing Deity" column... Diversification? I suppose. It reflects many of the changes I've come through during the past two years, and where I would like this publication to go as well... We would like to thank Nietzsche, Voltaire, legislators everywhere, and the United States Executive Branch for making it exceptionally easy to find good fertilizings... So, without further adieu, on with the show... ============================================================================ "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..." ============================================================================ For many years, molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows: /* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam * * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve * * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit * messy -- will require a rewrite later on to make it neater * * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code * from elephant-dna.c * * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail * * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case * * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine * * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made * darker to match my own image * * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' * teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate * * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height * * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem * * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre * of CD */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male #define HEIGHT 1.84 #define MASS 68 #define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include "mother.h" #include "father.h" #infndef FATHER #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n") #include "bastard.h" #endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */ #include /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper * library sometime soon */ struct genitals { #ifdef MALE Penis *jt; #endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */ #ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p; #endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */ DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the * organism to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly */ Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i); ============================================================================ Yesterday, upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there... He wasn't there again, today... I think he's from the CIA... ============================================================================ With all of the hoopla given recently to the sexual exploitations of individuals public and private in the media of today, The Humus Report has decided to let you, the reading public, into the thought processes of historical figures on the subject... Some of these quotations may surprise you; then again, perhaps not... -*-*-*-*- Aristotle: Avoid the inclination to animalistic pleasure, for it stains the soul. Do not yield to the desire for sexual intercourse. What glory is in following the actions of animals? Sexual intercourse involves the destruction of our bodies, the shortening of life -*-*-*-*- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E": God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals --- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime --- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one -*-*-*-*- Marcus Aurelius: In the degree in which a man's mind is nearer to freedom from all passion, in that degree also it is nearer to strength -*-*-*-*- Jacob Boehme: Lust is an abomination, whether it be in the state of wedlock or out of it. Marriage based on lust is as immoral as free love -*-*-*-*- Carol Tavris and Susan Sadd, "The Redbook Report on Female Sexuality" 1977: 9% of American wives masturbate because their husbands enjoy watching -*-*-*-*- Edward Carpenter: Sex today is slimed over with the thought of pleasure -*-*-*-*- Henry Havelock Ellis: The masters of all the more intensely emotional arts have frequently cultivated a high degree of chastity... Men of great genius have apparently been completely continent throughout life -*-*-*-*- Henry Havelock Ellis: But the person who feels that the sexual inpulse is bad, or even low and vulgar, is an absurdity in the universe, an anomaly. He is like those person in our insane asylums, who feel that the instinct of nutrition is evil and so proceed to starve themselves. They are alike spiritual outcasts in the universe whose children they are --- to pour contempt on the sexual life, to throw the veil of "impurity" over it, is, as Nietzsche declared, the unpardonable sin against the Holy Ghost of Life -*-*-*-*- Sigmund Freud: The pleasure principle prevails over the reality principle to the detriment of the whole organism. All the means that have been resorted to in order to prevent conception disturb the finer sensibilities of man and woman, especially of the woman, since here, as so often in matters of sex, the man's satisfaction is largely at the cost of the woman. The supreme objection to all methods of contraception is in the spiritual field. No one can practice any form of birth control without being injured spiritually. The knowledge of the essential factors of sexuality is still withheld from us. The abstinent scientist can devote more of his energy to study. Sexual excitement is furnished from all the sense organs of the body. A child brings along into the world germs of sexual activity. Premature sexual activity impairs the educability of the child -*-*-*-*- Voltaire: It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color -*-*-*-*- Muhammad: Thy worst enemy is thy nafs, which is between thy legs -*-*-*-*- Voltaire: It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue -*-*-*-*- Frederick Nietzsche: Through the abuse of the sex force, man is more diseased than any animal. Sexual license seems to be the unwritten code of modern society -*-*-*-*- David Mairowitz: There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure -*-*-*-*- Plato: The greatest cause of crimes is lust. The fire of sexual lust kindles every species of wantonness. -*-*-*- Groucho Marx: I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall. It's sold out. Then, I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government --- I'd give it all up for one erection ============================================================================ The electric company's motto: "We love Christmas" ============================================================================ Advertisement Name: CATT - Completely Autonomous Turing Tester Manufactured by: MOMCATT - Makers Of Many CATTs Anytown, USA (Offices around the World) FEATURES Low Power CPU Self Portable Operation Dual Video Inputs Dual Audio Inputs Audio Output Main Input Multiplexed with Error Output Auto Search for Input Data Auto Search for Output Bin Auto Learn Program in ROM Auto Sleep When Not in Use Wide Operating Temp. Range Self Cleaning Production Details After basic construction, the unit undergoes 6 weeks of ROM programming and burn-in testing. MOMCATT will typically reject inferior products, but sometimes people will salvage rejected units. These factory seconds may or may not perform the same as units that pass the standard acceptance testing. All of the previously listed features are installed during this interval. Since MOMCATT uses many different suppliers, there is wide variation between the individual units. Some of the component matching may be so poor that a feature may not even work. Fortunately, these units are so cheap that replacement is never difficult. Set up and Use When acquiring a CATT, it is best to visit MOMCAT and see what units are currently available. The consumer should examine each unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. The user should also look for obvious bugs in or on the system. Although these bugs are usually trivial and easily removed, they are indicative of the production environment at the local MOMCATT outlet. When a CATT has been selected, it should be put in a suitable packing case for transport to the new operating environment. Failure to properly package a CATT may result in damage to the unit or injury to the user. When the CATT is first brought up, it should be in a quiet room, with only the primary user(s) present. The CATT should be taken out of the shipping crate and the self learning program should be started by showing the CATT the output bin. The next step is to show the CATT the input bin(s). Some CATTs need more help getting started than other CATTs. If the user already has one CATT and is bringing up a second, it may be possible to download the new CATT from the older more experienced CATT. In either case, the new CATT should be in self learn mode most of the first day or two. When the CATT is new, it also has a tendency to sleep() when the learn buffer overflows. THIS IS NORMAL. When the learn buffer fills, the CATT will go to sleep(), and the DMA system will take over and store the new data in permanent memory. In a few days, the CATT will be freely interacting with the operating environment. The user should be aware that the CATT is still too new to be allowed out of the home. Full portability comes later, after more extended burn-in (some users never let the CATT out, this has some advantages, such as longer unit life). You should also know that if a CATT gets used to going out, you will have a hard time keeping it inside for extended periods of time. One other caution: If allowed out, a CATT may try to port itself to the other side of the street. Some CATTs have been known to take fatal errors during this process, errors which are never recoverable. Your CATT should have its own system name. This name will have to be repeated for the CATT many times so that the learn program reads it correctly. This will be important later on when you want to get the CATT's attention. Another way to get the CATT's attention is to boot it. While this is a very effective method, some users feel that too much booting is akin to abusing the system. If the CATT knows its system name, you can cause the CATT to boot itself by shouting the name at it. Many users want to play games on their system. CATTs play games best when they are young. Older CATTs seem to lose their flexibility, and their joy-sticks lose calibration too. Some of the better CATT games are: FETCH, MIRROR, STRING, SQRT, JUMP, and CHASE. FETCH is played the same as with the K-9 system, the only difference is that the object code must be smaller. MIRROR is played by placing the CATT in front of a mirror and watching it attempt to parse itself. Occasionally, the CATT will become alarm()ed by the mirror image, panic(), and run away. Re-booting will get it back up. STRING is a game where the CATT parses the end of a data string that is dragged along the floor. SQRT is a game for when the CATT does something that you do not like, you use the well known aversion to water as a form of negative feedback. JUMP is a game like STRING, only the data string is moved through the air and the CATT reaches new heights of parsing. JUMP may also be played with a stairway or CATT pole. In these versions, the CATT jumps down instead of up. Some users may combine the two games for even more action. CHASE is a game that is played with two CATTs or a CATT and a K-9 system. In this game, each system takes a turn as the data, while the other tries to parse it. Many other games are also possible. Some of these are SING and DANCE. These games rely on the CATT's desire for fishy input data. By tempting the CATT with fishy data, you can extract many wonderful audio outputs. Maintenance CATTs usually require little maintenance. Every year they should be taken to a VET (Vastly Experienced Technician) for PM. The VET will check the I/O ports and the operating hardware. Any problems that arise between visits should also be taken to the VET. VET fees are usually reasonable. Some CATTs are periodically plagued by heat problems. A trip to the VET can fix this problem permanently. Conclusions As CATTs get older they generally become more docile. The learn program becomes more efficient and they sometimes get too smart for their own good. Some CATTs even start to watch television (encourage them to watch NOVA, as it is good for them, especially shows about birds and spiders). Another good thing for CATTs is tropical fish (yes, it is hard to believe, but they do start hobbies). Most CATTs also like to have a few toys. This is OK until they rip them open to see what is inside. A properly cared-for CATT can give you years of steady service. Many users like the first so much that they will get a second or even third CATT. Most people really don't need all the extra capacity, but they enjoy the more complex games that can be run. I'd like to hear from other CATT users if they have any special application programs available. If there is enough interest, maybe we can start a news group called net.micro.catt. ============================================================================ You know, there's a lot to be said for having an answering machine. There's also quite a bit to be said for having a surreal answering machine message. Why? Well, you see, it's like this. For myself, I have a strange sense of humour, and I enjoy "making your day." But, I also HATE being interrupted by those who (1) don't know me, wanting to (2) sell me something I have (3) no use for whatsoever. For this alone, the need for a machine that entertains AND screens is a must. For this alone, we provide the following... -*-*-*- (phone rings) (you answer) Hello, this is <...> speaking. I'd like a large pizza with extra anchovies. (other person) What? (you reply) Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number. (hang up) Calvin: Make everyone's day a little more surreal - Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" - -*-*-*- We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we'll get back to, pending credit approval -*-*-*- A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded: "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING BETTER" -*-*-*- Hello. I can't come to the phone now because --- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT --- goddamn it!... because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over ... BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!... over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG! MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! shit... Leave a message after the tone... HEY, FUCKHEAD... -*-*-*- I'm home right now... I'm just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you're someone I want to speak to, I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? -*-*-*- Hello? Sorry, he's not here right now, but if you leave a message, he'll get back to you -*-*-*- (sound of loud music in background): Hello? - just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who's this? well, hi! uh, huh... yeah... well, listen, you're talking to a machine -*-*-*- "Hello?" This confuses anyone who doesn't know you -*-*-*- I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing -*-*-*- No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! -*-*-*- Sometimes, I set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they hear a busy signal -*-*-*- And, of course, one of MY favourite ways to repel telephone solicitors: "My time is billed at $125 per hour. To continue this conversation, I must have your MasterCard or Visa number, and date of expiration" -*-*-*- Finally, this cute little piece was found on Usenet a few years back... It's pretty self-explanatory... Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again. One day, my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows: [PHONE] *RING* [ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message. *BEEP*" [PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what is your phone number? *BEEP*" (The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response) [ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*" [PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764- 22222. Is that correct? *BEEP*" [ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*" [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? *BEEP*" [ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*" [PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? *BEEP*" [ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*" [PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? *BEEP*" [ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*" [--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------] [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? *BEEP*" [ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*" [PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? *BEEP*" [ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*" [PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? *BEEP*" [ANSWERING MACHINE] "*BEEP*" [---------------------END LOOP -----------------------] My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again ============================================================================ For those who are into puzzles, we offer this next item. It has been around for a very long time, and yet it always seems to amaze... There are probably many among you who have seen the puzzle before, yet cannot remember the solution, thus requiring still another "go at it"... Oh, yeah... One Year Free Subscription to the first registered user that gets the correct answer... Have fun... :) -*-*-*- Ten weary, footsore travelers, All in a woeful plight, Sought shelter at a wayside inn One dark and stormy night. Nine rooms, no more, the landlord said, Have I to offer you, To each of eight a single bed, But the ninth must serve for two. A din arose. The troubled host Could only scratch his head, For of those tired men, no two Would share a single bed. The puzzled host was soon at ease, He was a clever man. So to please his guests, devised This most ingenious plan. In room marked A, two men were placed The third was lodged in B The fourth to C was then assigned The fifth retired to D. In E the sixth, he tucked away In F the seventh man. The eighth and ninth in G and H And then to A he ran. Wherein the host, as I have said, Had laid two travelers by. Then taking one - the tenth and last, He lodged him safe in I. Nine single rooms, a room for each, Were made to serve for ten; And this is it that puzzles me, And many wiser men -*-*-*- Can you imagine the silence if everyone said only what he knows? - Karel Capek - ============================================================================ Now, we come to my favourite section, "The News Slick," where truth is almost always stranger than fiction... It's doubtful that anyone could make up better news than what the normal wire services provide on an almost daily basis... With that in mind, here's all the news that fits to print... Enjoy! -*-*-*- A woman aboard a flight from Berlin to Tel Aviv tore off her dress and, completely naked, shouted "Bring me Shamir! I want Shamir!" She was apparently referring to Israel's 75-year old prime minister - Seattle Times, 10 August 1991 Off the Wire - -*-*-*- Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office, We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry - Letters to the Editor, The Times of London - -*-*-*- If your life expectancy or that of your spouse, is refigured annually and either of you dies, the remaining life expectancy of the one who died is reduced to zero in the year after death - From Publication 590, Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs), by way of The New Yorker, January 15, 1990 - -*-*-*- According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside -*-*-*- An argument over what kind of underwear --- if any --- a female pool player was wearing led to the shooting of one man and the arrest of a second. Mike Rowland, assistant Franklin County state's attorney, said the two men had been drinking Saturday night in a Benton bar. "People said they had been betting on everything imaginable, and one bet came down to whether a lady pool player was wearing any underwear, or what kind," Rowland said. "One thing led to another and they went outside and one guy shot the other." "I don't know who won the bet, or how it went," Rowland added - 30 March 1989 Benton Illinois Seattle Times - -*-*-*- Student Republicans will hold a "First Annual Nixon Memorial Trick or Treat Dance" here November 1st, and give away a tape deck and 60 minutes of erased tape as a door prize. Local merchants say sales of Richard Nixon masks have been brisk in anticipation of the fund-raising event, sponsored by the Collegiate Republicans of Oklahoma State University. To promote the event, club member David Rumph, made up to resemble Richard M Nixon, will ride in the school homecoming parade Saturday. "We've got a long black car and are going to have six guys dressed in dark suits and sunglasses walking alongside," said Matt Seward, president of the club. GOP leaders, including state Republican Chairman Rick Shelby, have said they may attend the Nixon dance. "We just want to get across the idea that we're a fun club," Seward said. "Besides offering a chance to learn about and participate in the political process, our members have a good time" - 15 October 1977 Stillwater Oklahoma AP - -*-*-*- We were assembled to meet Her Majesty and Prince Philip, and when she got to me, she asked what exactly I did in the movie. I said I was director of photography, to which she replied, "Oh, how terribly interesting. Actually, I have a brother-in-law who is a photographer." I replied, "Oh, how terribly coincidental. I have a brother-in-law who's a queen" - David Semler, "Dances with Wolves" Oscar-winning photography director - ============================================================================ EDITORIAL COMMENTARY: It has pained me recently to be witness to the seeming disintegration of American News Reporting. Television and print media appear to be hung up on producing the least amount of Real News and saturating the minds of its consumers with the greatest amount of sexual titillation and mindless entertainment possible. Witness the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas debacle, quickly followed by the William Kennedy Smith trial. We were treated to hours of speculation and apparent newsworthiness when the Real World was changing dramatically, affecting the generic US far more than either of the above cases. Don't make the erroneous assumption that I wasn't interested in the outcomes of those two news items. Let it be said, however, that they were just that: ITEMS. They were not the sole and overriding news of the day. CNN, which was so magnificent during the Persian Gulf war was among the worst of the offenders, covering them both to the virtual exclusion of all other pertinent News. I hesitate to believe that the whole of the United States news- consuming public watches, and that all we are seeing from the apparent proliferation of these programs is what "America wants to see." If that is the case, this country is in much sadder mental shape than I had previously thought possible. -*-*-*- Maturity is reached the day we don't need to be lied to about anything ============================================================================ And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that mankind does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than myself (hi, kalen!): "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think? If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here, and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your non-tax-deductible subscriptions and donations in whatever amounts please you to: caren park 2557 - 14th avenue west suite 501 seattle, washington 98119 (01 January 1992) We will acknowledge, in print, messages from our reading public with the warmest thoughts for our survival... If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus Report, we'd appreciate it. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to you... We would appreciate it: (1) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate actions; (2) if you like what we do here, please donate or subscribe with dollar amounts you feel appropriate and helpful, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff on a regular basis... We also have a program contained within CKP-MSG.ZIP (a Fortune-like program) from which everything you will see here can be found, and then some. For a nominal cost per year ($25 US), I will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the datafile to you... Address inquiries about this program and/or the datafile to the address above... We leave you now with a last thought... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you do a thing, do it with all your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp it with your own personality. Be active, be energetic, be enthusiastic and faithful, and you will accomplish your object. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm - Ralph Waldo Emerson - ...until next month...