Û         Û                       [MiLK]                          Û         Û
Û         Û                                                       Û         Û
Û         Û       Mighty                     Issue # 6            Û         Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       illicit                      "Pete"             Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       Liquid                     By Nyarlathotep      Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û       Kollections                                     Û²²²²²²²²²Û
Û²²²²²²²²²Û                                                       Û²²²²²²²²²Û
ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ                                                       ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ


        Here's a little story about what not to do on a lamprey hunt,
how to avoid the vicious 2 headed venomous Lamprey, and how to cook
really good grilled cheese sandwich.

        Pete was you're average Lamprey hunter. "The Field Guide to
Lampreys" {BLaH #42, Available at your favorite BLaH <sigh>T} and all of
it's appendices were like a bible to him. He kept a trusty machete by him
at all times, and was prepared to go wherever he must, to do whatever he
must, to rid the world of Lampreys. He didn't count on going to a Lamprey
fortress, however.

        It was a sunny Saturday in July that this narrative takes place,
and Peter was ready for a weekend of good clean Lamprey destroying. He
had prepared himself by getting his machete and axe sharpened, filled
his oxygen tanks, for he planned to hunt underwater, and had gotten some
waterproof ammunition for his emergency shotgun (not vital to Lamprey
hunting, but handy in certain situations). He kissed his mommy good-bye
(he was 37, but he still lived with his parents.. Lamprey hunting does   <-\
not afford one much opportunity to make money, and also, its not a great   |
way to pick up chicks) and headed off for the lake.                        /
                                                            {GeT a LiFe!} /

        The Lampreys knew that Pete was a threat, he was one of the most
deadly hunters they had ever seen, besides the infamous Nyarlathotep, so
they posted sentinels near his house. A squad of lesser land Lampreys
was constantly patrolling his house, and at any sign of hunter activities,
they would rush back to base and inform them. However the squad leader
on this day was a little over zealous... he wanted to take matters in
his own hands and attack Pete himself.
        One might think "How can a squad of 5 lesser Lampreys hope to
win against a skilled Lamprey hunter?" Well, they didn't stand a chance.
Theoretically at least. Unfortunately for Pete, he had his weapons in
his backpack, for he was confident that no Lampreys would be so close to
his house. (THIS IS WHAT NOT TO DO ON A LAMPREY HUNT: NEVER, NEVER,
NEVER LEAVE YOURSELF UNDEFENDED) <=- {The MoRaL of the Story!}
        The Lampreys pounced on him, surprising him, and quickly knocked
him out due to bludgeoning and loss of blood. They could have easily
killed him, but the squad leader thought he'd get more acclaim for him
and his squad. He'd bring Pete back for questioning... and this they did.

            *********{COOL TRANSITION LINE!}*********

       Pete woke up some place dark and smelly. He reached for his
backpack, but alas, it was gone. Luckily for him, he always hid some
emergency supplies upon his body and in his clothes. He ripped the
matches out of his jacket lining, and lit one. He could see that he was
in some sort of cavern, and that the way out was barred... He noticed
to his horror that the cell was guarded by a two headed venomous
Lamprey. These beasts are over 8 feet long, can survive on dry land for
several days, and their bite can release a powerful nerve toxin that
could kill a man in minutes. They do have one weakness however, which we
will get to later.
        Pete looked at the lock to the cell (the Lamprey was across the
hall and couldn't see what he was doing). It was a simple lock, and Pete
was a good boy and read his Lockpicking t-files {what an anarchist wannabe}
when he was a boy. A minute later the cell was unlocked, and Pete was all
but free. Now what he had to do is get past the guard.
        Now, not many people know this, but the two headed venomous Lamprey
has very peculiar vision. Unlike most predators that see only quick
movements, this beast sees only slow movements. It is also quite deaf, but
it does posses a thermal detection similar to pit vipers.
        It knew that Pete was in the hallway the second he got out, and
began slithering over to him. Hoping to surprise the beast, Pete charged by,
leaving the poor Lampreys vision in the dust, and escaping down a tunnel.
Luckily at the end of the tunnel was his backpack and gear. Pete pulled
out his machete, checked to make sure that his shotgun was loaded, and
attached his axe by his side.
        Strangely there seemed to be no Lampreys there. But of course he
was hopelessly lost in a subterranean Lamprey Fortress. Luck was with Pete
that day, and the path he took led him straight to an exitway. Unluckily it
was guarded by a squad of electric Lampreys. His machete and axe would be
all but useless here, as any blow had the potential of knocking him
unconscious, due to the Lamprey's large electrical output. It was for
times like these that Pete carried his shotgun. Unfortunately it was
only a doublebarrel shotgun, and it would be unpractical to reload in
the heat of battle (he made a mental note to invest in a pump actions).
But it was sawed off, and if he was lucky the spread would be enough to at
least injure all 4 Lampreys.
        The Lampreys were positioned two on either side of the door.
perfectly grouped for his two blasts. Pete snuck up as close as he
dared, pointed and BLaM BLaM, he fired both shots in rapid succession,
blowing one lamprey to smithereens, and knocking 2 others back into the
wall. However one remained unscathed. This Lamprey quickly pulled the
lever that slammed down the wooden portcullis, and raised the alarm. A
smile could almost be seen on his jawless face as he approached Pete,
electricity arcing, the smell of ozone in the air.
        Pete knew his chances were poor. Electric Lampreys are hard to
fight hand-to-hand unless you are properly equipped with non-conducting
equipment. But still he had an idea. He threw his machete with all his
might, praying to slaw the fiend. The blade flew through the air and
made contact, but that only served to enrage the Lamprey more...
electricity bolted down its length. It let out a hiss, and Pete swung
his shotgun at it, letting go the moment before impact. The Lamprey was
thrown to the ground, stunned. This at least bought Pete some time.

        He couldn't reload, because he dared not touch the shotgun,
still in contact with the Lamprey. His only hope was to cut through the
portcullis with this axe before the Lamprey came to its senses. He
charged the thick wooden door and began chopping like made, in a
beserker furry. One beam cut, two beams cut, three beams cut, four. With
a mighty blow he knocked out a small square in the door, just as he
heard reinforcements coming down the hall. He dove through the door,
into a wooded area.

        He then ran as fast as he could. He knew not where he was, but
he knew they would be following him. He had to get as far away from
there as possible as fast as he possibly could. He ran and ran and ran
{and ran} for close to 45 minutes, when he came upon a house. He knocked
on the door and passed out on the porch.

        A little while later a woman answered the door, and saw Pete
lying on her porch. At first she panicked, but then she decided she'd
better help him out. She dragged him into the house, and gave him some
water. He soon revived. He asked the woman where he was. Elgin was her
reply, He realized that he was quite far from his house, and then
realized he didn't even know what time it was. What day even. He found
out it was early Sunday morning, which explained the far distance. Only
then did he remember that the Lampreys were following him.

        "Lampreys?" she inquired "Why are there Lampreys following you?"
He told her that he'd explain, but first he'd better call his mom and
tell her that he was all right. After a prolonged phone call ("Are you
sure you're all right dear? I was worried sick...") he told the woman the
story of his hunt go awry.

        "You hunt Lampreys?" she asked. "I'm sort of a Lamprey hunter
myself, part time. Linda's the name." she added, when she realized
that they hadn't introduced on another. "But speaking of Lampreys, we'd
better get prepared in case they attack. I doubt they followed you
here, but... just in case..." she walked down to here basement and came
up with a couple of machetes and a pump-action shotgun, "We better be
prepared. I'll lock all the windows and doors." She flipped a switch on
the wall and steel gratings covered the windows, and the familiar hum of
magnetic locks could be heard on the door.

        "I bet you're starved" said Linda, "How 'bout I make you a
grilled cheese sandwich. I do it very well. I make a large puddle of
butter in the pan, and cook it until it is nice and golden brown, and it
becomes crunchy, and not too chewy..."

        Having not eaten for 24 hours, Pete agreed, and found the
sandwich much to his liking. The Lampreys never did come.


        Will Linda and Pete's Future look bright? Will a lamprey onslaught
occur?  WILL LINDA SHARE MORE OF HER RECIPES?!?!?!?!? Learn all this, AND MORE,
in the Next installment.... of "Pete".

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[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere       (708)965-3098

[MiLK] Member Listing -         James Hetfield
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[MiLK] Issue Number -   6
[MiLK] Issue Size -     10156 Bytes
[MiLK] Date of Production:      01/06/94

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