P-O-U-P-E-Y SIXTEEN! WOO HAH! JUBJUB IS FIRED! POUPEY. (intro) thasright now. FUCK YAH! Fuck all you slimy fucking nig greasballs. Fuck you italian meatballs. Fuck you patties. Fuck you ankle biters (you included mogel). And FIST FUCK ALL YOU FUCKING REPUBLICANS@!@!$ UP THE FUCKING ASS@!!@$! The poor don't want less soup, the gays don't want "Official hate gay day" the blacks don't want pictures of them in suits with penis hanging out semi erect. I don't fucking want you in office. So from now on, only my vote counts. Also, you democrats. GRAHHH!#@$!@$!$#@ Just as bad as the republicans. Almost worse, because you pretend to be about freedom. FUCKERS!! I will PERSONALLY kill EVERYONE of you until we can put some non THEM controlled people in. F-U-C-K-E-R-S! Poupey is back ya see? no longer sleeping!#@$ We will fight.. in the houses. outhouses. We will fight, in the pancake houses. We will fight, in the green houses with a goat. We will fight, in the dog house with a moat. by the way, jubjub is FIREDDDDD!! (gradual combination of 3 entirely different things) ----------------------------------------------------- Page break HERE! Jubjub is FIREDDDD!!! ----------------------------------------------------- the inzane TRUE story I wrote after staying up all night -nybar ok. lets be honest here. I stayed up all night. ok? I said it. fuck you. anyway, right now it's 12:00. I don't know why I stayed up so long. I can't go to sleep. I even tried eating some grubs. Grubs. MMMM. Anyway.. I am writing this all right now. The whole issue. Which isn't much, because poupey issues aren't usually big cause I write all of them you BASTARDS I HATE YOUR GUTS YOU READ AND YET YOU NEVER SUBMIT I NEED TO PRETEND TO BE MOGEL!@#$!@$ anyyyyway.. ehehehehe.. I remember pretending to be mogel: /m antihero man.. you really need to submit to dto! we are, like, desperate! antihero: oh really? whyzat? /m antihero we only have 20k, and we're 2 weeks overdue. antihero: sucky, I'll start work on it at work tomorrow /m antihero no.. now. antihero: umm.. ok. pixy-: you aren't REALLY mogel.. are you? /m pixy- who, me? ----- heheh.. that ruled. that idiot never finished though. stupid antihero!! the fucking cog is in the stofe for once! wait.. did what I just say make sense? who the hell am I talking to anyway. I am typing with preternatural speed. it's wierd. also thoughts are coming super fast thats why I decided to put on some pants (err.. pull up my sleeves I mean ) and write poupey. You see, medear... you will never have as large a dick as mine. And the Fonz can out fuck you anyday. hwah. oh wait thats part of umm.. wait.. was it.. oh I dunno.. the erotic mind control archive? Monkies anonymous? ohh I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. ya see it's like in that beatles song they were talking about you. Oh wait I forgot. oh fuck.. hanson... fuck mtv sucks man marily manson fuck I'm never going to watch these video awars again oh fuck this fucking sucks. JUBJUB IS FIREEEEDD!!!! FIREEDDD! HE.. IS... TOAST! -------------------------------------------------------------- this page break copyrighted 1997 by JUBJUB IS FIRED industries. -------------------------------------------------------------- The story about the leprechaun I wrote after staying up all night -nybar "Uh oh.. this is bad." the leprachaun thought. he had to pee. right after announcing himself as the leprachaun with the traditional scary "AHH'M DA LEPRACHAUN!" he had to fucking PEE! And he was getting horny. This really sucked. I mean.. what could he do? Just say "Hey waitasec.. don't run away with the pot of gold.. I need to go pee and masturbate (wherever leprechauns go to do that)." Yeah right. And he needed to go so badly he was dying. The erection he was getting didn't help any. The person he was scaring was just standing there, tapping her foot. Then, it happened. He peed himself. She could see it, too!!! Aww man... sucky.. she ran away trying to do the traditional screaming thing, but ended up laughing like hell. He said "Ahh what the hell" and started masturbating. Then, the worst thing possible happened. Some jerk photogropher took his picture! How would he ever get over THIS little scandal. I mean sure.. the people might elect a leprechaun who insisted in dressing in green and marching in the gay rights parade *not to mention scaring and ocasionally killing people who tried to take his gold* but M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-N-G?!@$ NO WAY! He thought of how irrational this was.. then remembered something.. some number he had seen... about... getting rid of republicans and their stupid logic... just one small contribution could help buy weaponry to end a stupid regime! 302-555-NYBAR! (it's nybar's work number. call it to send in a donation. snake face handles calls. please, we are all that stand between, you, mind control, and col sanders. like this: YOU |us | Sanders, (and his mind control) | |here!| ------------------------ \ / | | || | | \ / O | | -|- | | EVILEVILBADGIVEMONEYTONYBAR! / \ | | ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- jubjub has a small dick. he no longer edits poupey. I do. he is fired. fuck him. oh wait can't he has a to small of a dick. haha. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The crazy story I wrote after staying up all night - by nybar If I were a drummer.. would I not still... not.. know how to play drums? If.. the universe.. the.. unvierse..r 1342.ed.234.e.1$# -tales from the ghetto anyway, as one of my idols, yellow kid weil said: it only takes one mistake for the criminal to be "fired" it takes the cops a thousand. and yer no yellow kid weil m'boy. it's time to be realistic. it's like this: I'm being a condescending dude with no point just because there's no chance you will respond. get it? ARGHHH I'M SO FUCKING PISSED!@$# DAMNIT!@$ IN THE NORTH AMERICAN DUB OF SAILOR MOON THEY MADE IT A KIDDIE SHOW!@$# IT USED TO BE... HOW TO SUM IT UP.. JAPANESE!@$!@$!#@$!#@$ NOT SOME FUCKING AMERICAN FUCK IT'S FUCKING NOTHING BUT A SHITTY FUCKING SHIT FUCK!#@$ ARGHHH!#@$!#@$ see.. the cd player agrees with me. it's loudly playing tom waits. by the way.. my idols are: yellow kid weil. count lustig. thomas paine. thomas jefferson. and napolean. Though napoleans inflated ego often got the better of him, he was, most definately, a genius of the highest callibre. Look at all the reforms he passed in france. or austerlitz. ahhhh austerlitz.. still talleyrand wuz smarter. See, like I was saying to mogel.. seen the movie trainspotting.. it's like about growing up and shit.. ya know? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!! I FUCKING LOVE THE WORLD!! WHEEEE! I AM THE EGGMAN.. YOU ARE THE EGGMAN.. I FUCKING HATE EGGS!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH STILL I WISH I HAD A HARD BOILED ONE UP MY ASS RIGHTTTT.. NOWWW!! Sorry.. random burst of energy....................... btw fin. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ yellow man.. jubjub sucks.. broke his ass.. with a duck, widda knick nack jubjub is fired.. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The story I wrote after creed said poupey was a y0lk wannabe.. - by nybar hah. asshole. listen up, BUCKO!@$ if y0lk could even APPROACH the amount of SHEER ANGST professed in poupey, all of you sissy fucking farmy fucks would fucking explode into nothing but a fucking shit pond full of water. SHIT and water. sometimes even SHITTY water. If I wiped my ass with y0lk I would be ruining this computer. tv's sqiggy agrees with me on this.. Squiggy "I'll see it, when I believe it." listen up abe, the water zombies sold their souls to skull master because he lied to them, tricking them into thinking that he was saving them from the collapse of their under-sea thing and would re-animate them. DUHHHH!! DIDN'T YOU EVEN SEE THE EPISODE YOU FUCKING RETARD! Oh.. and the ants whose blood hurts you are white. believe me, I know. just looke at this nose. FISHBAIT! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH@#$!@4!@$!@$!$@ ------------------------------------------------------------------- The poupey novel is coming soon to bookstores near you.. it's called jubjub is FIREEDD!#@$ ------------------------------------------------------------------- And now.. a massage (heh, massage) from our author... I would like to profess my most sincere interest in killing and horribly mutilfired him. I'm the president of this `zine. he WAS the lowly editor. now I edit it also. heres how it happened: Me "Hey jubs.. ahh... make poupey." Jubjub "Sorry.... to lazy. As a matter of fact poupey is disbanded." Me "Whoops, I think not, I'm the president. You're fired." Jubjub "Fine.. bet you can't make an issue by yourself within one year." Me "Oh FUCKING fucked up FUCKIE fucked SHIT FUCK yeah?" Thank you. ------------------------------------------------------------------- http://home.earthlink.net/~doncameron/rapelist.html over 2000 movies with rape in them now online!! ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Adventures of the Non-Horny Guy (who the chicks dig) - by Nybar *The non horny guy walks into the brothel. He is here to deliver a package.* Sexy Hooker "Ohh non horny guy.. may I please suck your penis" Non Horny guy "You MAYYYYYYYyyyyy.." Sexy Hooker "CAN I?" NHG "You CANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN..." Sexy Hooker "Will I?!??!" NHG "I dunno; WILL YOU?!@#$" Sexy Hooker "AHH YOU ARE SO SEXY I WANT TO SCREAM! WILL YOU LET ME?!@$#" NHG "Sorry toots, I'm just not horny enough. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- the last file is over dumbass, this is a page break --------------------------------------------------------------------------- and now an intermission, please buy our poupey products!! such as ms. potato face (note the bow) o _______________________________ ________&_______ o | | / \ o |why do i have legs in my mouth?| / \ o |_______________________________| /----(.)-----(*)-----\ / <> <> \ \-/-----| \\ /_ // |-----\-/ | | \\ // | | | \\// | \ / \ / \ / \________________/ // \\ _// \\_ --------------------------------------------------------------- and next comes the faked story of how jubjub got fired!! yay! --------------------------------------------------------------- Jubjub "ok nybar.. I'm thinking for the next issue of poupey.. we'll have lots of cutesy things! you know! kid oriented! like mr.lemonaid head... ya know?" Nybar "Mr. Lemonaid head? Ahh jubjub.. that's the japenese equivelant of the playboy bunny." Jubjub "Grr.. ya know.. like.. mr hooter scooter.." Nybar "Swedish equivelant.." Jubjub "Mr. The fucking cock sucker that goes in and out of the pussy!!" Nybar "Nope, thats the irish version." Jubjub "Shit, irish? ohh I see. should have known. Ok then, I DISBAND POUPEY! YUP! POUPEY IS CANCELED!" Nybar "Whoops.. wrong again.. I'm the president.. and for that little bit of insolence, you.. are.. fIRED!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- wuzn't dat elite?!@ JUBJUB IS FUCKING FIRED! YAY! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- (NOTE: the following was written before jubjub was fired, be warned.) Primo shoes=Mucho profit: A buisness lesson for the 90's? - by Nybar --------- One day.. I was going shopping at the grocery store. Jubjub was there to. It might be noted that we got 3 boxes of fruit rollups.. which are addictive. If they illeagelized them.. the price would skyrocket. Everyone I know is a junky. Since this is supposed to be a buisness lesson.. or at least the title says so.. I think I will put in alot of ways to earn money without having to actually do much work. LESSON ONE: The Fruit Rollup Scam --- For advanced fruit rollup scammers only --- Ok.. what you do.. is go to a grocery store, And scope out the fruit rollup section. Then.. have your partner start making a little distraction.. such as running naked through the aisles.. yelling "I'M A REPUBLICAN NUDIST!!" or something like that. Most of the security will be called in to restrain him/her (works best with a female ).Then fill up a shopping cart with all of the fruit rollups or spinnoffs on display.. and run off. Most of the security will be gone from the door.. and the rest just run through. Make sure to conceal your face. Your partner usually gets off with nothing but a slap on the wrist or a rat tail in the ass or something. When you get him/her out of jail, go to another grocery store.. with you making the distraction this time. Once you have cleaned out most of the big suppliers.. you can pick junkies off of the street and sell the stuff for an inflated price. Another trick is to divert trucks. Just be creative. Lesson 2: Coupon Fraud You know those things in grocery stores that automatically give out free coupons? You can only get two out at first.. but eventually they come back. If you run through a big grocery store.. the ones that have run out will have re-loaded by the time you get back to them. Then.. wait until you get a clerk that looks kind of wet behind the ears. Give this clerk the coupons and the stuff they are for and you can get FREE stuff. YEAH! Lesson 3: The poupey seminar Nybar "Hello all, I would like to thank you for attending the poupey seminar. Froboy "As would I" Nybar "Before we can teach you how to make .. BIG.. money.. we must be introduced. My name is nybar.. I run a LEGITIMATE buisness involving smuggling pandas from the rain forests and having them stuffed.. to be sold to sweet little girls. Did I mention it's LEGITIMATE?" Froboy "And you may call me the pillsbury fro boy.. or bravehair. I run a small.. MILLION DOLLAR A YEAR, FOR ME!! Industry involving doing seminars for idiotic individuals and selling infomercial merchandise which just happened to be lying in the basement. Buy YOUR yard golf set.. (yolf), food dehydrator.. and hair-remover TODAY! BUYBUYBUY." Infomercial Women "Well.. my COMPLETELY un-edited, personal... UN-payed opionon is that everyone should buy this stuff. Froboy Stupid Products has been turning out fine products since the first broom and a half came off the production line. Keep em coming boys!!" Froboy "Why.. thank you for your... UNBRIBED.... opinion of my products. I AM RICH!! So anyway.. now it's time for the POUPEY MONEY-MAKING SEMINAR." Nybar "The first thing you have to have is ANGST!! If your angsty enough.. you can do anything. If you don't have any money.. MAKE SOME! Go out on the street and punch someone out and take their money. Repeat. Then.. buy some herion or cocaine, put it in some cookies.. sell them.. and then build a multi- billion dollar a second industry!!!!!!!!" Froboy "This plan ALWAYS works!!!!!" Fatguy "I'M NOT CONVINCED!!" Froboy "Let my cohort in crime, my buisness buddy, the money making master: Nybar! Tell you a little story. It's called.. Primo shoes MUCHO PROFIT " Nybar "Thank you my advanced associate... my shining schemer, my swift swindler; I believe I WILL tell that story. It allll began when we were going grocery shopping: <----------------Flashback Time--------------------> !!! Myself (Nybar) and jubjub had just come out from grocery shopping. We were going into the car.. when something odd caught my eye. Some redneck who had a beat hay-truck had left his SHOES on top of the hay in back... primo shoes.. to say the least. Thinking that I could later sell them for mucho profit; I snatched them. Unluckily.. the rednecks dog (who was in the truck) started barking. That brought the redneck out. But jubjub and I managed to escape, I, cursing all the while "Primo shoes.. mucho profit.. primo shoes.. FUCKING MUCHO PROFIT FOR FUCKING PRIMO SHOES!!!" <--------------------------------------------------> Fatguy "How would that convince me?!?!" Froboy "Ahh.. but the plot thickens.. care to tell the rest.. my alleged alibi?" Nybar "Nay.. my panhandling partner.. you my apply the coupe de gra." Froboy "Then apply it I will!!! MONEY! <--------------------FLASHBACK TIME (AGAIN)----------------> With Nybar still stinging from being caught by the yellow- bellied cow tipper, good news would be viewed as deliverance to the ones who were close to him. HAIL NYBAR, THE RAVE KING, AND THE MONEYMAKING PRINCE!! That news came in the form of ... well.. alot of people being shot by guns. Let me explain: While jubjub was watching TV.. he saw a program on CNN.. or some other such channel.. when it came to a thing about peoples relatives and accquantices being shot by guns. With the MAN in the white house.. little was being done to stem the tides of death.. so 10,000 of the guys N gals who had known those shot were sending in the people who had been killed SHOES. They were going to put them on the steps of the U.S. Senate building.. forget what it's called. Now THERE were some primo shoes.. and .. repeat it with me.. "PRIMO SHOES=MUCHO PROFIT!!" So.. hopping on the train to washington with many boxes, bags, and other carrying units.. nybar, jubjub, and I hopped a cab to the senate building.. took the shoes.. and the rest, as they say.. is history. That is how we got our start as infomercial mongers.. exploiting the masses. <-----------------------------------------------------------------> Nybar "And now.. are you convinced.. my fat friend.. my slow joe, my big pig?" Fatguy "... yes" Froboy "So; my caperous cohort, my mischivous misleader, my startling stalker.. will you proceed with the final, short, lesson?" Nybar "Indubitably" Froboy "Proceed.." Nybar "The final, most important, shortest.. lesson IS: If you want to be rich.. don't waist money going to seminars that insult your intelligance and cost $100 admission" Froboy "Ciao, folks" Nybar "Before I go.. MONEY Nybar "G'night folks" Froboy "One last thing.... MONEY!!!!!! FIN ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- the next thing yo's gonna read is the zinboobi six.. thing. I'm ashamed because I sold out in these. read ahead.. if you DARE! (the sixth is the best, the fifth is the second best, ect) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1996: An URBAN Oddessy ---------------------- Bad hangover and little sleep. To much coffee.. Not enough effect. My name is jubjub.. for those of you who don't know. It's a normal day in my life; another night in a cheap motel. As I was settling down to watch some tv and listen to some music.. I was distracted by a moaning sound.. and a clawing at the door. I opened the door. It was my brother and then roomate nybar. He was extremely beaten up. He looked like somethin outta the toilet. I asked him what had happened.. and he uttered one one singular; disturbing word: `Zinboobi'. I said `NO.. NOT Zinboobi!' right before he passed out. Let me explain about that name. Now.. we used to be prize-wrestlers in world wrestling federation. We were the best out there.. and we wanted to prove it. Those were the good days. Anyway... about the name Zinboobi; The name Zinboobi comes from a match we once had. At the end of the wrestling season.. there is the finale; the champs fight eachother. They were the other champ. We.. of course.. had to strive feverously until we beat them. We worked out for weeks.. often until we passed out. Whenever we talked to them.. they seemed well-rested.. and confident. And they never seemed to exercise. When the big match came.. Nybar went to say `let the best man win' in the nybar-way. He came back disillusioned about wrestlings authenticity. He told me he had found STERIODS in their warm-up room. My hopes, dreams, and thoughts shattered around me. I would never be the same. He thought we had to throw the match.. but I knew that if we threw the match.. we would be no better then they were. We would be letting down millions of fans. It would be like shoeless joe throwing the world series. We had to fight. The fighting was fierce. I nearly got KILLED. Good thing it was alternating. Nybar bravely fought Eziekial Zinboobi while I rested. He managed to win; because I had weakened him. Then.. I fought abraham Zinboobi to a standstill. We had won. They swore revenge. Only later did the manager tell me he had known about the steriods... and if we told.. we wouldn't live to talk about it. That was the same day he got Me and nybar's resignation from world-class federation wrestling. We used to be rich, happy, and beloved. Now we were jobless; joyless, and avoided. Still.. we fought clean. When nybar came to.. he told me that while he was bringing the groceries home.. he was jumped by both zinboobie's at the same time. He didn't stand a chance. And he said they were bigger and stronger then before. He also told me that they were coming for us. He said they said something like `NYBAR YOU BASTARD! HERES A MESSAGE FOR THAT BROTHER OF YOURS: THE BIG MAN DOESN'T LIKE RATS!' It was tournament day all over again. I hadn't said anything about it. But then I realised it. NYBAR! YOU COULDN'T HAVE!! Nybar "I'm sorry man. I couldn't stand it anymore. The Constant guilt. The searing pain. The thought that scum like that weren't kicked out. Searing my sould. Grinding my bones. I haven't slept for the thought of it. I reported it to my lawyer. He says we have a big case." Me "I understand how you feel man. I've often thought of telling about those scum myself. But I couldn't bear the thought of what they might do to me and mine" Nybar "The only way we are ever going to live this through is together. The court date is the 21'st." Me "THATS A WEEK FROM NOW!" Nybar "I know. And no one *REALLY* seems to believe me. Witness protection is refused. Today is going to be ... difficult." Me "Today IS going to be difficult. You look bad. Sleep" .... Thats one of the good things about nybar.. no need to tell. him twice. He was sleeping like a baby by the time his head hit the pillow. If I had a pillow. But it was time I started following my own advice. I hadn't slept for a long time to. It was a big burder off my shouders that nybar had told them. I could now sleep in peace. Now.. another burden. Keeping alive until the trial. Out of the frying pan and into the fire.. thats me. No need for serious thought now. Only need for sleep. ..... I slept a long.. dreamless night. I woke up feeling semi refreashed. Right when I woke up.. something hit me. It was a smell. It smelled like pancakes and sausage. Nybar was cooking breakfast. No need to get jumpy. I decided to walk into the kitchen and get my fair share. I was half asleep.. so it didn't really hit me until I went into the kitchen. The place was wrecked. There had obviously been a huge struggle. Nybar was no where to be found.. and belive me.. I looked. On the door of the apartment was a note. It said that if I ever wanted to see my brother again.. I had to go to a particular house that was just around the block. If I brought help, nybar's life was forfeit. If I didn't come.. nybar was as good as dead. It was a no win situation. I wish nybar were here... but he was still busy being kidnapped. Those BASTARDS!!! They wrecked my apartment. They broke into my abode. They kidnapped my brother. I dropped to my knees, and yelled.. in a star trek-like way "ZINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBBBBBBBBIII AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" This.... was.... a.... SHOWDOWN! When I arrived in the building specified by the note.. everything was dark.. with no light switches in sight. I yelled; quite stupidly, in hindsight; "HELLO!?$#% YOU BETTER BE HERE Zinboobi'S! AND YOU TO, BIG MAN!" and then waited. No answer. I shouted again. Still no answer. Right when I was considering going out and getting help.. I heard a voice: "Good night, Mr. Jubjub" WHACK! When I awoke.. I was in a room as dark as the one I was previously in. I was sitting, tied up.. to a chair at a desk.. under a very bright, hot.. light. And then I noticed something else. I wasn't alone in this room. I didn't know it then.. but it was the big man. The big man "Greetings, Mr. Jubjub" Jubjub "WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME HERE?!@ WHY HAVE YOU DESTROYED EVERYTHING THATS EVER MATTERED?#@?%@#% The big man "Isn't it obvious? You've threatened my operation!! And about me destroying everything that ever mattered to you.. I assure you that your brother is quite intact" Jubjub "WHERE IS HE?$!~@#@%" The big man "He could be... anywhere. muahahhahahaha!" Jubjub "Why have you brought me here?!#?$" The big man "To extend a little.. offer." Jubjub "Oh.. an OFFER eh? Like WHAT.. SCUM!?" The Big Man "You and your brother used to be the best wrestlers I ever had. The public loved you. If you would just.. drop the charges...." Me "NEVER!" The Big Man "Maybe you don't feel like co-operating right now. A little nap might help your temper. Hanz, franz; if you please?" WHACK I woke up in his basement. When I saw the door.. I knew there was no escape. It was bolted, and re-inforced. There was one upside. Nybar was there.. looking better then I probably did. Having nothing to do.. we decided to tell eachother what happened. Heres nybar's story: Nybar "I woke up at around eight. I was really hungry.. so I decided to make breakfast. Then I heard someone knocking on the door. It was the pizza guy. Still being pretty tired.. I didn't notice that it was 8:35 in the morning. He asked if I wanted to have his pizza... and I said yeah. When I opened it.. alot of gas came out. I woke up here." Jubjub "So why was the apartment wrecked?" Nybar "I dunno.. I guess they just decided to trash the place" Jubjub "They don't only cheat.. gamble.. and other things I'm sure.. they're JERKS!" .... Just then I heard something. It was the door. Someone opened it a crack and threw a loaf of bread in. It was *EXTREMELY* stale. Someone said `hahahahah.. enjoy your cement bread!!!'. It LITERALLY had cement in it. It was hard as a brick. I made use of it in an unforseen way. I threw it at the wall. Now.. the wall was pretty flimsy.. and I saw one brick that was extra loose. I threw the cement-bread at it and it gave in. From there.. we were able to pry loose enough other bricks to open a hole big enough to crawl through. WE WERE FREE!! To be continued..... Note: What you just read was.. like.. already in some poupey of the past, but the other 5 weren't. I put it in cause of consistancy and.. stuff like that, K? 1996: An URBAN oddessy of nybar ------------------------------ Howling whores and haunting hookers. Life in this city, how could you not love it? My name is jubjub. I work at a grocery store on thirty second street. But I used to be a wrestler. These are the chronicles of what.. how, and why it happened. I call them NINETEEN NINETY SIX... AN URBAN.. ODDESSY!.. except louder. Now.. a brief re-cap. Yesterday.. when I woke up nybar had been kidnapped. I found a note.. and it's a long story but lets just say I ended up right next to him in a dungeon. It turns out it was because he had squealed some of the wwf's secrets and a shady manager called `the big man' was trying to have us wiped out. Needles to say we escaped from the dungeon. But then.. we were stranded outside.. knowing we couldn't go back to my apartment because they would look for us there. There was 5 days until the trial.. and I don't think waiting for them to kill us would be pleasent. So nybar made a jolly proposal. Why don't WE go after THEM. This is the story of the daring day2 in our urban oddessy. ----------- Insert Spacer here (poupey prop management) ------------------------------------------------------------------ It was a big city.. and we didn't have the man.. cat.. dog.. horse , or anything power the scour it. The only logical solution was to look at the bad mooks last known (to us) hiding place. Yeah.. the dark room with the basement where I was knocked out twice. Ahhh.. I have to omit that knocked out twice part in future versions. Anyway... we decided to go there.. for some reason or other. When we went in this time.. all the lights were on. It looked just like a wrestling ring. Waitasec;... nybar has a comment to add to that "Maybe it looked like a wrestling ring because thats what it WAS.. DIPSHIT!" Thank you for that nybar. There were two shadowy men standing in the corner. Before we had the oppurtunity to harras.. I mean question them; the PA system went on. "DINGDING It's the amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazzzzzzingggggg match you've ALL been waiting for. The great, the buff.. the crazy team.. with captain crazy and his astute comrade.. HAUSS.. in one cornnneerr. And the great.. the grand.. the GAYbeeni brothers in the OTHER. Now lets give a special hand to hauss And captain crazy and now the gaybeeni's.. FATSLAYER AND KURDT Kurdt "OW! Hey good lookin!" "STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!" ------ Then the gaybeeni's jumped into the ring. This was obviously one of the big mans sick mind games. Ohh.. that guy makes me mad. Needless to say.. we kicked the holy shit out of those fags. I mean.. come the hell on.. we were the CHAMPS. They were a couple of homos. The only thing was that it winded me a little.. haha.. it was worth it to toss them into eachother. Then.. I thought it was over.. and we would get what we wanted. But truly.. it was just beginning. The PA came on again and said now we had to fight some other guys.. called the `ChinChaaChaa' brothers. We kicked their immigrated asses to. But then it came on again... we had to fight some guys called the `Grassylumpkin' brothers. We got out a can of whoop-ass on them. But we were both getting seriously tired. We knocked some sense into about 10 people.. not without injury.. because they got progressively better... until we came to the ZINBOOBI'S. This time.. it was a cage match. No ref's to moderate. They were stronger. We were tired and beaten. There were also 4 other guys in the cage. The Mad Svedes (actually SPELLED with a v) Gabriel and Chinvorken, and the Pomper Oppers, Hanz and Franz. The real turning point was when nybar grabbed a big rusty monkey wrench and knocked Ezekial Zinboobia out.. and while abraham was shouting something about revenge to him.. I threw hanz AND franz at him. Chinvorken and gabriel were easy after that. During all the fighting.. there was one thing we hadn't noticed.. WE WERE ALL LOCKED IN A FRIKKIN CAGE@@#%!!! THE FRAGGING BIG MAN HAD CAPTURED US AGAIN@$#%@#!~!@$!!!!!! But this time.. we weren't going to be trapped. Nybar grabbed some plyers, and I got a chainsaw that was also in the cage.. and pretty soon we cut our way to freedom. We searched the place bare to the bone.. but we didn't find anything. The importance of this was.. we were once again the wrestling champs!! We had defeated, cage match, 6 of the best of the best. So of course we called put all the guys who were still knocked out in the cage.. and while I guarded it nybar called the police. There were no REAL charges to convict them of.. but since it was new-york.. theyyy worked something out. All of them got 20 to life. Also.. many of the police force who helped convict them got a raise. You can thank the overcrowded, crooked; `Revolving door' prison system for this. It can work in mysterious ways! Having seen that we were ready.. willing.. and better then ever.. we decided to go back into the wrestling biz. But there was no way I was signing up with that sleaze ball.. the big man. So we both decided to do a tag team thing for the CCF (crazy chicken federation). They do good work.. and they are like a family out there. Except when you are engulfing each-other in flames.. and hitting the other guy with a wooden spoon and the like. Then they AREN'T like family. Anyway.. just as we had signed up.. and our first match on the way.. I was on top of the world. I was thinking how all the good stuff happened to me.. and, since I am the one who would ultimately write this.. all the bad stuff happened to nybar. Yup.. things couldn't be better. And then it happened. BLAM!@#% Nybar "DAMN! SHOOT JUBJUB WILL YOU?@#5? BASSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTAAAAA RRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" NEXT WEEK: With jubjub in the hospital.. waiting for death, and nybar on the streets.. searching for the answer to his seething question: WHO IS THE BIG MAN? Ciao next week, dahlin. 1996: An URBAN Oddessy ----------- Ever notice how hard a good beginning is to think of? I'm jubjub.. albiet comatose. Now heres a ironic story. Little billy used to read comics..and he loved all the powers the people in them had. But he espically lovvveeddd the idea of psionics. He tried everything to get them. Finally.. when he was busy bombarding himself with cosmic-rays.. he passed out. He was in a complete comatose state. There was an up side though; while he was passed out.. he had the thing he had been dreaming of!! He had madd..... psionic skillllllzzzzzzz. He decided to telepathically monitor peoples bathrooms.. that sicky!! But when he recovered.. he had lost his mind powers. No one would believe him, that was what drove him insane. What I am trying to say is... being comatose gives you psychic powers. The psychic network is a HOSPITAL! First I chose to turn my great powers inward. I saw me being shot; most likely by one of the big mans men.. and being carried to this damnable hospital!! Oh my god.. can't believe I just said damnable!! Anyway.. here I am. Psychic. I think I will look at some bathrooms. Meanwhile.. at the white house.... Hillary Clinton "Hmmm.. I am getting some mind vibes from the aliens I connect with's invisible flying psychic monkies GET OUT OF MY HEAD, JUBJUB!!" And now back to jubjub.... Man that really sucked. I think instead I will watch nybar jumping around the city. I bet he's on his high heels looking for the scum that shot me. Hmmm.. there he is now; at the PIZZA parlor?!@#@% What the hell is he doing there. hmm.. probably looking for clues. LETS GET SOME SOUND! Cut to pizza parlor...... Nybar "`ey tony... I wanna know whats up with all this grease man!!" Tony "I dunno.. I ask da godfather" godfather "" Nybar "You have straightened me out, oh godfather" Jubjub "NYBAR! I AM CONTACTING ME PSYCHICLY!!" Nybar "No your not.." Godfather Nybar "Oh of course, godfather" Jubjub "WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU LOOKING FOR THE GUY WHO SHOT ME?!" Nybar "I WAS LOOKING FOR CLUES to why there is so much grease on tony's greasy pizza" Jubjub "ahh.. I heard that.. I can read your mind" Nybar "OH YEAH?!@#%" Jubjub "YEAH!" Nybar *thinking*: Jubjub is a jerk. Jubjub "Stop thinking about me and look for my gunman!!" Nybar *Thinking*: Ok... jerk. And so nybar begins his little oddessy. How can he possibly keep this realistic.. while at the same time being original?! The answer is.. he CAN'T! Cut to nybar narritive... It was a dark and stormy night. Thats as far as I got on my murder mystery novel. Anyway.. back to the hunt. Shouldn't be hard to find whoever shot jubjub. I'll just have my cats scour the city... and I can sit back.. waiting for one of them to page me. beepbeepbeep. bopbopbopbopbopbopbop Nybar "Heyyy... rusty? MY CAT! You made quick work of that one!!! Where is he now? Ok.. me and some pussy will go and do.. something.. to him. Love you to. It's in the fridge, next to the casserole.. bye" And so our not so heroic hero went along his gelatinous journey into suspense. And so.. we cut to the chase; literally: Cut to nybar and four cats chasing a petty thug in a GTI `96: ====== Nybar "GIVE IT UP!" Thug "NEVER!" Nybar "THATS IT!! I'M RAMMING YOU!!@$" ARRRRRHGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! .... a slight bit later Nybar "TALK! TALK! WHO PUT YOU UP TO THIS?!@#" Thug "Slow down buddy.. Nybar "Don't try to smooth talk me!@##### WHY THE HELL DID THE BIG MAN TELL YOU TO SHOOT JUBJUB??!!!!!?$!@$" Thug "He just wanted ta show you guys that he was tracking you. It's nothing compared to what he'll do ta' YOU... buddy!" Vimto "Good taste.. Nybar "Yeah.. but we've lost our only lead.." *jubjub and nybar mentally converse* Jubjub "Not necessarily.. ever think of searching him?" Nybar "No.. not really.." Jubjub "I'm breaking off communications, idiot" ... Nybar gives the order TailyPo "Hmm.. well.. we found the big mans buisness card.. mightttt be useful." Nybar "Ahhh.. right. Any address on that thing?" Tailypo "Nope. It does have his name.." Nybar "Ok.. His name is Guy Incognito. Wow.. I just have NO idea who that is." Tailypo "Hmmm... we could look in the phonebook.. A short time later... bopbopbopbopbopbopbop The big man "Dude. Dude. This is the big man" Nybar "Ok man.. it's me.. nybar. I wanna ask a few questions.. ok?" The Big Man "How the hell did you get this number?!@#%" Nybar "Man.. you musta been no copus mentus when you gave that small time jerk who shot jubjub your buisness card.. now listen up; There's 4 days before the trial. If you confess.. you set yourself up for leniant punishment." The Big Man "HAH! Never! And remember that job you signed up for?#% With the CCF?!(crazy chicken federation) Well, I've taken the liberty of taking your boss, who; just scant months ago.. was generally acknowledged as the best wrestler ever!!" Nybar "Are you really that lame? I've already been through one wrestling match cause of you... I don't need another. Can't you just shoot me@#? It would be better then this unyielding corniness!!" The Big Man "That.. could be arranged." *RELENT* *SUBMIT* *ADMIT IT; YOU ARE CROOKED* The Big Man "Ahh.. jubjub. I was once in a coma myself. Well.. heres a suprise for you: I had a psychic backwash unit installed in my noggin.. So that anyone within 100 miles of here, and with telepathic powers, will be able to recieve my little gift. Pain beyond belief! Of course... you can't hear me. It's hit you by now. MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHQ#W%)*!#@%)#@%*#@%_*!" Jubjub *thinking* "YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! PAIN! WHERES MY ASPECREME WHEN I.. ARFRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH@!#$@ @#!%_(% Can't.. Reach.. utilitAHHHHHHHHHHHHH#@%@#%_(@#%_@#(%! only way is to.. heal my own wounds.. turn my ACK!$ great powers inward, and heal my body with my mind, So that I will no longer be comatose, or telepathic.. and thus I won't get all this pain! Well.. this is as good a YARGHH! time as any" AND THUS, JUBJUB WAS HEALED Jubjub "I'M HEALED!" Head Nurse "Damn. Then I guess we can't charge you for all that quack surgeory we had planned." Back to nybar, who in the meanwhile has heeded the big mans call, corny though it was: Nybar "Why.. it's Wrestlin' Crazy Chicken himself! I used to love to watch your show! I never dreamed I would work for you.. much less wrestle with you." Crazy Chicken "I only work with the best kid, cause thats what I am. Now.. as a way for his employer to evaluate his employee's skills.. I shall wrestle you." Nybar "But what about the big man? What does he have to do with this?" A question I was hoping you would ask! I; THE BIG MAN Am taping this little bout. You will both, wrestling together.. be the biggest draw of the century. Think.. Fightin Mad Crazy Chicken and Captain Crazy, back in the ring, better then ever!! Why.. I'm even selling tickets.. why do you think I chose THIS location? Nybar "I.. don't.. SEE.. any people. This place still looks like a glass house with a wrestling ring inside." I.. don't.. SEE.. why your so stupid!! You are behind one way glass!! Nybar "I guess that makes sense.. but what would you do if I said I wasn't wrestling?" I would have several of my guards shoot both of you down where you stand Nybar "Good answer. Lets wrestle, Mr. Chicken." AND SO THE BATTLE IS JOINED! bumbadumbadumbaduma.. DINGDINGDING! Nybar fakes a left punch, and goes for the groin with his right foot! DIRECT HIT! Crazy chicken is staggered.. WAIT.. FAKING IT! He does his famous KFC: With a VENGANCE! Frying Foot Move on nybar. Nybar seeeeemmmsss to be down for the count. Wait.. he's getting up!! WHAP! Nybar gives him famous whap attack! It's a butt cheek.. right where you need it the least! The mouth!!@% Crazy chicken doesn't look like he even felt it.. and he goes into his patented crazy chicken pork chops, the OTHER white meat hold.. It holds!! Nybar can't move!! Waitaminute.. he's using his famous cat-fight move! Know those things in heithcliff where, when some people/cats/dogs/horses are fighting.. a big dustball comes up? Nybar can duplicate that move!! No one can escape it until all but one stand. And now.. the wait.. Hours Later.... More hours, and many band-aids later.. Nybar "God damn.. I've *NEVER* been beaten after ensuing my famous cat scratch fever move!! Where did you learn to fight so well?@#%" Crazy Chicken "Well.. there is only a certain amount of potential that can be reached without making pilgremage.. to HIM." Nybar "Who.. Might `him' be?" Crazy Chicken "The Ancient Yiddish god of wrestling. FROBOY!" Nybar "Hmmm.. who is this froboy?" Crazy Chicken "Originally.. he was a brilliant yiddish monk. His masterworks of literature, art, and science impressed all. But he was not satisfied. He wouldn't be satisfied until he, and ALL yiddish monks.. weren't such wimps. He was developing wrestling. And he has been developing wrestling for 1356 years since. Like the fonz; no one is worth his punches. He is simply to good to wrestle.. so he teaches. He is almost as good a teacher as he is a wrestler. I remember when he was teaching me. I was full of empty bravado back then. I dared challenge him to a wrestling match. He didn't even respond. So I had the nerve to attack him. I used my best hold on him. He didn't move. But his fro did. Oh did it move. It threw me off.. and beated me repeatedly about the neck and shoulder area. When I awoke I was back at my house. I never saw him, or went to his temple, again." Nybar "So.. where does he live? Can I just give him a knock?" Crazy Chicken "To get to him.. you must make a PILGRIMAGE! That means giving away all of your worldly belongings. Oh.. and a travelling partner helps to." Nybar "Hmm.. jubjub would be the choice for that.. but he's hospitalized.." Jubjub "It would seem reports of my hospitalization are quite.. exaggerated! I Over heard the whole conversation.. and I would love to develop my talents to the maximum level also! I SHALL PILGREMAGE WITH THEE!" Nybar "No need to be so dramatic. Take a seat. Have some coffee.. or that would be co-co.. for you. Let us catch up." Jubjub "Not right now.. maybe while we are on the long journey to froboy's temple." Nybar "Ahh.. how are we going to get there?" Crazy Chicken "I can be your mystical guide. I CAN SHOW YOU THE WAY, TO DESTINY!" "TO DENSEITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Froboy's temple, worthy pilgremage or big fat phony? NEXT WEEK, FIND OUT! 1996: An URBAN Oddessy -- Must.. push... on. Must.. reach.. wrestling.. perfection. My.. name.. is... jubjub. I... can.. only.. talk.. incredibly.. slowly. The.. cause.. of.. this.. affliction would be.. not enough.. food. I fear we shan't be making it. For those of you just joining us in this realm of zinboobi's and.. sleazy managers.. We, (I, Nybar, And our boss/mystical guide.. crazy chicken) are trudging through these ancient snowed over yiddish lands to find.. DESTINY! DESTINY IN WRESTLING!!!! We.. seek.. RETRIBUTION FOR THE SINS OF THE MANAGERS! In other words.. we were going to see the god of wrestling himself to ask him if he could help us reach full potential while at the same time protecting us from the big man. But then.. I saw it!!#$ THE TEMPLE OF FROBOY, THE GOD OF WRESTING! YEAH@! Was it true? Had we done it? It was true. We had, momentarily.. shaken off the yoke of this hard society. No more anything.. but peace and bliss. Someone named mogel greeted us when we entered. I extended my hand of all is well in the univereness. In response to this, he said "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, FAG! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?!$ GET YER HAND OUTTA MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ahh... all WAS well in the universe. I kicked him in the balls and nybar engulfed him in flames. We were on our way. The next room was made entirely of fro picks that had been bronzed. On a throne of hair, in the middle of a wrestling ring.. was the almight god of wrestling. FROBOY HIMSELF! WOOHOO:P!@#% He smiled as nybar and I entered.. but when crazy chicken walked in.. he grinned in wimsical amusement. "Ahh.. the insolent one returns. Care for another wrestling bout?" he said. Crazy chicken kind of slinked off. Jubjub "We've come to.. ahh.." Froboy "Have me teach you how to kick major beefed up wrestler ass.. while keeping you in my sanctuary, to make sure you don't get killed?" Nybar "Basically.." Froboy "First of all.. I ask one question of YOU.. and one only. How the hell did you find this place; crazy chicken?" Crazy Chicken "Well.. I once had a bet with someone that he didn't even know his own zip code. So he said that he did. When it turned out he didn't (hehe.. 5 dollars right there) I bet him he couldn't walk to his own house from 3 blocks away. Well.. he started walking, with me following. We eventually ended up in the sahara desert.. where we found a temple. The goddess of baked potatoes temple. I asked her a few questions about wrestling.. and she; disgusted.. teleported me to you. And thats pretty much it. I think the guy who didn't know his own address is still wandering the world. Or maybe he has become a high priest of the potato order. (High priestism not being hard to attain.. she just had one baboon as a worshiper when we got there.)" Froboy "And now.. you may ask many questions of me." Nybar "Why.. are we here?" Froboy "No exastential questions please." Crazy Chicken "Want to wrestle again?" Crazy Chicken "I've learned alot of new moves, ya know." Crazy Chicken "I really think I have a chance of winning.. and all.." WHAM! Jubjub "Will.. he be waking up?" Froboy "It is beneath me to use lethal force" Jubjub "So.. you gonna send him back to his place, like last time?" Froboy "Yup. I think I will send him there naked.. with the hypnotically implanted idea in his mind that he has had an alien encounter" Nybar "Elite" Jubjub "But there is still the matter of how you will teach us to be the best." Froboy "This question is most simply answered. I sense *GREAT* angst within both of you two. You have been slighted many a time. That is why you are two of the greates wrestlers who have ever graced my doorstep. Training you shall be SIMPLE! Your angst levels must reach the infinite level!" Jubjub "But.. isn't this infinity level just quack science? It's impossible and you know it!" Froboy "Oh please.. don't insult me. I have many the means to make your souls *BOIL!*. Please.. gaze into my ORBS OF INFINITY!!" Froboy "These orbs hold the *KEY* to angst. They sense what will best set your soul aflame FOREVER!#$% May I have a volunteer?" Jubjub "Me! Me!" Froboy "Gaze first upon orb #1 (obviously..)" Jubjub looks into the orb.. and see's...: Bamby "Ok.. DARE!" Roxine "I *DARE* you to show the guys those pictures we were drawing!" Bamby " Ok! " ... Jubjub "Get OUT! We're having a PRIVATE conversation!!!" Roxine "We just wanna show you something " Bamby "Does this give you a woody?" Jubjub "HAIMACRIA!#@$!" Bamby "Does.. that mean you like it?" Jubjub "No.. it means I'm going to rip your larrings out.. feed them to you; and thoroughly ENJOY it!!@" Roxy " Fucckkkkkkkkkkkk youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" Bambi "Yahhhh.. we're gonna report you for threatening us. " Jubjub "YARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH@#$@#%_(#$^)_#^$_*#$^_*#$^_*$#^_ #$)%*^%#$_^*#$)*^@#_%*@$_^)*#%)*#$_%)@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#@%)%#ACKKKKK@!#$! HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Froboy "As I expected. But there are still to MORE orbs for your *WEAK* constitution!" Bambi "Like.. ya knowwwwwwwww.. whatEVER! Want a DatE?" Joeie "Duhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. ya sure.. duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Bambie "Teehee. It seems I get everything I want." Joeie "DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Jubjub "ACK!!!$~ HAS SHE NO RESPECT FOR.. UQWERWERYAYRRRRRRTGGGGGH@@$!$" Queen Elizabeth "It gives me great pleasure to pass on the flame to a new, and hopefully.. bright.. generation. Bambalicous, Esq., I proclaim thee.. Queen of Mother England!" Prime Minister "TO THE QUEEN!" Bambi "Like.. ya knoww.. ta me!" Froboy "And now.. NYBAR. Your turn.. to reach *THE HEIGHT OF ANGST!*" A GROUP OF HUMANATARIANS JUMP IN! Dr. Lovejoy "Stop being so cruel to these gerbils!!" Nybar "NAY! THEY HAVE ASKED ME TO! THEY FEEL.." he never finished his sentence Dr. Lovejoy "SHUT UP.. GERBIL HATER! TAKE HIM!@%#" Nybar "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!@$@#%" <40 policemen beat nybar to the ground> Dr. Lovejoy "Can't you see how happy the gerbils are now?!" and.. in the backround.. a single tear.. falls from a single gerbil. Hairy; .. the one nybar was going to shave next. Nybar "Those hypocrites. They say they were doing it FOR the gerbils!!!!!!" Dr. Lovejoy "Would you like to sample our FINE gerbils?" Little Kid "hmm.. gerbils are a little to plain for me. Got any armidillos?" Dr. Lovejoy "If you think gerbils are to plain.. why not look at our special, SHAVED variety!" Little Kid "Oh.. that would be GREAT!" A BLACK grin comes over Dr. Lovejoys face Nybar "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@$@#% NO MORE@!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@$$$$$$$@$(%(!" Dr. Lovejoy "CHEERS, TO THE SUBJUGATION OF INNOCENT GERBILS!@@!" "CHEERS!" Froboy "I know you two can hear me. You may spend ONE night in my sanctuary. This will mean only two days before the trial. Sleep well, my children." End Story 1996: An URBAN oddessy ---- 1969 Here is the story of Tommy Winesworth. He was born in poopoo city.. where his father had great hopes that he could someday go to bireland.. and get a monopoly on the potato crops. Vain hopes. He ran away to america when he was eleven. There was no way he would have made it anywhere there.. except for one thing. He had the almost super-power of learning. Any obstacle that stood in his way.. he would learn something `NEW' to get around it. He decided the best way to put this to work was to become a wrestler. Many years later.. he was nearly the champ of the world. He would have been years ago.. but he was extremely lazy.. and.. he had other interests... by then he had a beautiful wife and a son, Robbie Winesworth. One day.. he decided to box a charity bout.. with two virtually unknowns.. nybar and jubjub. It was a tag-team match.. so he decided to bring his wife. Hey.. if she was in danger.. he would just learn something `NEW' to save her. Nybar and Jubjub were very worried about his learning power. But they had a plan. ... ROUND1 Nybar "I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU TO A PULP!@#%" Tommy "LOOK!.. I learned something *NEW*.. I can conentrate SO hard.. whoever tries to beat me.. just beats themselves!" JubJub "LEARN THIS!!!" Robbie "WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!@$!@$ MOM!!! DAD!!! I'LL EAT MY PEAS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!@$@!#$@#%@#%@%#" The present, 15 years later ------- Jubjub "And then I watched little robbie winesworth.. being carried off, screaming.. for his lost parents. I didn't know the jerk had a kid at the time " Nybar "Why are you telling ME? I was THERE!" Jubjub "ohhh yeah" Robbie "Please.. no smoking.. and.. waitasec......." "I KNOW YOU!!!!" Robbie "YOU KILLED MY FAAAAATTTTTTHHHHHHEEEEERRRRRRR!@@$ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!%)#@!#)%@*@#)%*@#+%*!" CRASH!#$ Ol' Crazy.. the cafe owner "Hey! You crazy Kid!@#%" ... Robbie "I have no father.. I have no father.. I have no father.. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.. PUT THE SHARP THING.. IN THE TUNAAAA!@$#IIIIII.. PUT THE SHARP THING.. IN THE TUNA!! IIIIIIIIII.. PUT THE SHARP THING.. IN THE TUNA.. IIIIIIIIIIIII.. PUT THE SHARP THING.. IN THE TUNA!@#$ KILL MY FATHER WILL THEY@#%? THEY ARE DEADD!@@$@#% I HEAR THEY ARE BACK IN WRESTLING!@% MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHWQ!@$!1 BLOWFFFFFRRrffff134! THEY ONLY FIGHT TAG TEAM HUH21/% I'LL GET AROUND THAT!@$ BLLLLLAAAAHHHHHHBEORGT@#%@!@#" In that building.. at approximately twelve midnight, a loud cry was heard.. "LOOK! I LEARNED SOMETHING *NEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW* I CAN MAKE A CLONE OF MYSELF!$" ... Crazy Chicken "Great news guys! You get to make your comeback bout with a great wrestler whos nearly the champ.. and.. his exzact lookalike. His name is robbie, and.. the other ones name.. is.. also.. robbie." ... DINGDING ROUND ONE.. THE JUBJUB NYBAR COMEBACK SPECTACULAR! Jubjub Jubjub punches robbie1 Nybar punches robbie2 Robbie "LOOK! I learned something *NEW*. I CAN CONCENTRATE SO HARD.. I HIT LIKE A SLEDGE-HAMMER!" Robbie2 "Ditto" Nybar "YOU CAN'T DEFEAT US!#@% WE HAVE FROBOY TRAINING!!" Robbie "LOOK! I leanred something *NEW*! I can concentrate so much.. I know froboy's entire life story!! And.. Oh.. my.. GAWWWWWWDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!@#!@$@14!@$ IT'S ALL CLEAR TO ME NOW!@$ CHAOS AND ORDER!!@$ THE GREAT WAR!!!!!@$ THE EVIL ONE HAS RETURNED!!!!!!!@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Robbie sips his hot co-co. Robbie "I learned.. about.. froboy's life. And it all made sense. Chaos; order. Two sides of the same coin. Human nature.. wrestling.. forever intertwined. Good;.." Nybar "I get the point.. enough with the paradoxial things, boyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." Jubjub "Shut up nybar.." Nybar Jubjub "So.. what did you see?" Robbie "Long ago.. far away.. froboy was creating the world of wrestling. Aye.. he was creating the world of wrestling.. and he cast a shadow. This shadow had no real name.. no real form.. he was simply all that was evil in wrestling. And so, as froboy created.. the creature destroyed. Froboy discovered this treachery.. and was most displeased. He showed his displeasure in a most.. err.. direct.. way. He wrestled the vile fiend. It broke all the rules. He fought clean. Through wits.. superior skill and strength.. he managed to force it into a cave in the center of a marshmellow. Don't laugh. It was a *BIG* marshmellow. But it was not truly dead. It was festering. Growing powerful. Raising.. AN ARMY! It .. through sheer bitterness.. created a construct of PURE EVIL. The beast had no proper materials.. so it used what it had at hand. So; thus.. it created the Great General of the Insidious Army of `25.. THE STAY-PUFF MARSHMELLOW MAN.. LORD OF EVIL!!! With this army.. he martched on froboy's temple. He hadn't a chance. He managed to flee.. and raise an army of his own.. all the wrestlers in the world!! The battle lines were drawn. Though the marshmellow constructs and walking reptiles that Great Beast employed were somewhat; how should I say it.. puffy, they were quite numerous. The fighting was fierce. Froboy himself single handedly destroyed the marshmellow man. Both armies were locked in combat. There was nothing to keep froboy and his shadow off eachother. Froboy.. already nearly out for the count from the beating he took at the hands of the marshmellow man.. was severely outmatched. So he resorted to thinking. And then.. a revalation struck him. The Great Shadow sought to instill order in the world.. his order.. but order none the less. On the other hand.. froboy himself sought nothing but to keep things as they were before (they were in a state of general chaos.) Thus.. he championed chaos.. and his shadow wanted order. He preclaimed these words.. which are now engraved in the corner of his fro "Armies of chaos.. take heed! I, FROBOY, patron god of wrestling.. CHAMPION OF CHAOS.. MASTER OF THEE; proclaim that you will fight he who would instill order in the land! LETS KICK HIS ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ... The rest of the battle was quite predictable. This time.. after being defeated.. the dark one was completely destroyed! If he had had no form before.. now he was barely even a part of reality. He now had to assume others shapes to take power. He usually took the form of well off mortals. He has been growing in power since then. Are you aware of how the wrestling federation you used to work for did buisness?" Nybar "OH POTATO YES!!!! WE HAVE BEEN FIGHTING THEM!!!!21#%" Robbie "Well.. the manager is The Black Prince. The Dark Lord! The Master Of.." Nybar "Robbie! Shut up!$ I get the point!" Robbie "Okok. Anyyyyywwwwwaaaaaaayyyyy.. an army needs raising!!!!" Crazy Chicken "I'mmmmmm *JUST THE MAN* for that" Nybar "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! Don't scare me like that!!" Crazy Chicken: "Hmmm.. I think that our plan of attack should be divide and conquer. If everyone does his job.. our victory is ensured." Nybar: "Just as I was thinking. We could use a mix of the final formations of the boer war.. the confederate strategam at chancelorsville.. and alot of late night spy movies" Jubjub: "Just what the HELL are you two talking about?!@$" Nybar: "Hmm.. I was proposing a plan based on the relative size crazy chicken federations army as compared to the Prince of Despairs. Now.. we would split the army in 2. Jubjub and crazy chicken would be in command of the two sides. The two sides would be on the top and the bottom of the grand army of darkness.. which intelligence reports is going to be marching en-masse. After that.. the two sides split again.. into 4 units.. lead by Stinky Kanoot and Robby Winesworth. Stinky kanoot and Robby Winesworth's units will go to the left and right of the Insidious Army.. flanking them. While this is happening.. the sides under command of jubjub and Crazy Chicken will be attacking from both sides.. while the other 2 sides will be dug in.. cutting off the supply line, reinforcements.. fleeing units.. and communications. We should, eventually.. be able to wear them out sufficentaly to have won the war!" Jubjub: "In ENGLISH!" Nybar: "IIII.. think I'll take command of your part of the army.. any objections?" Jubjub "Ummm.." Crazy Chicken "Just what will jubjub be doing, at the time?" Nybar "He will *BE* going to froboy's.. who hopefully will be able to raise re-inforcements.. and come up with some kind of brilliant plan." Crazy Chicken "Elite" Jubjub: "Ok.. *THAT* I understood.. I just have one question, why the hell do you have a WAR room inside a wrestling `stronghold'!@$?!?$@" Crazy Chicken "Shut up.. your waisting time! RUN.. Don't WALK.. to froboby's" Jubjub "Ohhh noo.. I'm going to LIMP there. Jerk" Jubjub eventually reached froboy.. who was glad to supply troops.. fine wrestlers one and all. They marched back to the WWF HQ.. where nybar plan seemed to be working. From a distance. From a distance. ... Nybar and crazy chicken.. taking their respective sides of the army to WWF HQ.. and following the plan.. soon had the whole of the WWF army tied in knots. For some reason.. all of the WWF army didn't move at all. Tick.Tick.Tick.Tick.Tick.Tick. Froboy "Whats that ticking?" Nybar "Nooo ide--" BOOM@!$!@$!@$ Most of the CCF and Froboy's army were completely decimated. The only thing that would win the day now was on the spot tactical manuevering.. which was nybar's specialty. Which was when the second bad thing happened. Nybar vanished. No explanation.. no flashing lights.. just; gone. The world of organized wrestling as we know it was in trouble. *BIG* trouble. I kind of phased out. A little later on... I phased back in to find that I was the only survivor. It was all up to me. FIE on this kind of responsibility!#$% All I really wanted was a cheese burger!@#$ So I decided to get one. Contrary to popular belief.. there are great elite cheese burger stands at certain great elite cheese-burger liking states across america. So I decided to grab foders latest guide. By a funny mix-up in the space/time continuim.. the latest foders guide to cheese-burger stands happened to be the one from 2050. Well that was just great; I thought. My whole professional life was collapsing around me.. and I got to learn about the cheese burger of tomorrow. But no problem. I'm great at waiting around.. and it said that; if wait around enough.. the best cheese-burgers anywhere will be located in nevada.. cleveland.. I think it's in. Nevada.. odd.. thats the one place that nybar could never find on the map. Actually.. whenever cleveland came up in casual (or not so casual.. as the case usually is with nybar) conversaition ... nybar would say something like `where? What the hell are you talking about? Cleve..how did you say it..cleaveblonde.. don't know what you are talking about.. my friend.' Hitch hiking is fun. Wait for the person or people who are crazy enough to pick up a complete stranger and take them; in close proximity.. to a destination of their choice. Alot of hitch-hikers had consience problems robbing people who were kind enough to pick them up. I didn't. Baba Wawa Juniow "hahaha.. yes.. hope this doesn't turn out to be like the notorious hitch-hiking robberies of 54 years back." "For the information of some of our younger viewers.. the hitch hiking robberies were a series of robberies that occured in 1996. They involved a still unknown hitchhiker being picked up.. stating his destination as closer to nevada.. and then .. upon arriving.. beating the holy shit out of the one who was kind (stupid) enough to pick him up. Back to you baba!" Nybar *thinking* "hmmm.. this hitch-hiking robber sounds like my kind of guy. Wow.. 1996.. that was the year I dissappeared.. wow does that bring back memories!" NEVADA OR BUST. ---------------- That was my brilliant sign. I should be there soon. With the money from those people I have been robbing.. I should be able to buy several good cheese-burgars. Maybe set up a new life in Nevada. Oh yeah.. I just forgot something.. I have a freaking lot of waiting to do before nevada will be cheese burger capitol of the world. Still.. I have a plan... adapted from old episodes of `Star Trek' and some of froboy's teachings. All I had to do was use the images from the orb's froboy had showed me to get all mad and angsty.. and when I was about to pass out like I did before.. I would `take a chill pill' err.. in laymens terms.. jumping in a tub of extremely cold water that was fast being cooled by the air conditioner place. Then.. let myself pass out when it had iced over. Bet you are wondering how the extreme cool would last for 54 years. HAH! I have that worked out. I will put some of the money I have stolen.. scammed.. and just plain beaten off of people to use on a 54 year warrenty guarenteed air-condition. And if it doesn't work for 54 years.. I will sue for enough money to make sure I can buy one that lasts! Ahh.. my plan is so damn perfect. Man... is my job great. I think Mr. Hapsburg really likes me. I like him at least. I can feel a promotion coming on. Maybe someday I will become vice-president of our outpost. "MROWL!$@" Nybar "Nice catch!!@$!@$" Hmm.. wonder if I will dream in my angst-induced sleep. Well .. guess I will see soon. ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH!@$!$ IT'S COMING BACK TO ME!#$!$ BAMBALICIOUS `ESQ' INDEED@$!@$$!@# MUAHAHAHAHHA~!#!# A long.. dreamless time later.. Jubjub "Okk.. let me see. Good.. still got the money where I left it!@$ I just hope we haven't drastically changed currency. Then I will have to sell my body. And you know how much I *HATE* doing that. . Waitasec.. who the hell am I talking to!?@$" Hmm.. think I will go and get some cheeseburgers now. SQUACK!$@!@# Jubjub "Hi; bird." ... ... ... Jubjub "BIRD?!#@$?!$ WHERE THE HELL AM I!~!#@????" Jubjub "ehh.." Jubjub "Hmm.. that angsty freeze thing worked.. maybe some other froboyish star-trek tricks will come in handy. Ok.. gotta sound real official!" Jubjub "Computer! Status Report!" Computer "beep.Click. Ahh.. call me carl. By the way.. what are you talking about.. `status report'?" Jubjub "Just tell me why the hell are we 300 feet in the Air!" Carl "We're 300 feet in the air.. because one day.. someone who really LOVVVVVVEEEEEEEDDDDDDD the jetsons as a kid was elected president. He decided that; in a jetsonsish way.. everyone should live in the clouds. But.. since the poles that the jetsons had used were a bit dated.. they decided to use anti-grav pods." Jubjub "Ahh.. yeah.. real interesting.. I'm sure." Carl "Thanks for the classic brush off.. shit head!!@$" Jubjub "You know.. I used to be a proffessional wrestler. I eat punks like you for breakfast!@$" Jubjub considers that the threat he just uttered was to some smarmy computer. Just for a second.. though. Jubjub "Okok.. anyway. How the hell do I get down?" Carl "Grade A Vexme shot. It implants a self replicating piece of pig DNA in you system" Jubjub "Pig.. DNA?" Carl "Remember the old saying `when pigs fly out of my ass!' well.. one day.. a part time farmer.. part time biochemist with good backround in genetics.. got really annoyed by that saying. So he decided to do something about it. He puzzled over what to do for a long time.. and eventually decided that he would crossbreed a species of pig with a species of piegon. Finally.. he had a flying pig. Then.. to have it fly out of someones ass.. he fathered a son with a pre implanted self replicating gene of flying pig.. placed in just the right spot so pigs would fly out of his ass over and over. But it didn't quite work.. the metabolism of the boy adapted to that of the flying pig.. and pretty soon they had a messy.. flying boy. To make a long story short.. I poke you with needle. Ouch. Hurts. You fly." Jubjub "Yeah.. thats real intersting. Just give me the stupid shot." Jubjub "Ouch. Hurts." Jubjub "This is a pretty elite feeling! If I didn't now have a mini snout and long ears.. that would have been the perfect shot!@$" Jubjub "I would like a double decker triple cheeser with bacon please" Nybar "Want fries with that?" Jubjub "NYBAR!@$#" Nybar "Yeah.. nybar. Want fries with that?" Jubjub "It's ME! Jubjub!" Nybar "JUBJUB!@#$ What are you doing here? By the way.. where are we?" Jubjub "We're in cleveland." Nybar "Where? What the hell are you talking about?! Cleve.. how did you say it.. cleveblonde. Don't know what your talking about.. my friend" Jubjub "aahhh.. never mind. Doesn't matter right now. So what happened to you?" Nybar "Noooooo ideeeeeeeeaaaa." Jubjub "So.. did you happen to notice that both of us are 54 years in the future.." Nybar "Hold up.. run that by me again.." Jubjub "nevermind.. anyway.. didn't you notice how advanced everything is?" Nybar "Yeah.. I had wondered about that. But your looking well." Jubjub "yeah.. same to you. Hmm.. soo.. I guess that decent wrestling will be destroyed if we don't get back there.." Nybar "ohhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhh.. the *WRESTLING* thing. I thought there was something important I should be doing." Jubjub "Soooo.. what do you know about time travel?" Nybar "Wellll.. the logic of 1996 says there can be time travel.. but it will never be precise. Well.. That is the logic of 1996. These days.. we coast through life using TV logic. As you well know.. people like us, in TV.. travel in time every day of the week. So anyway.. ready to back to 1996 ..?" Jubjub "Suresure." Froboy "LET US DO BATTLE.. HOOTCH.." Now.. before going into the next sequence.. I would like to say that.. since the ultimate lord of all dispair and froboy are both merely reflections of eachother.. thought varying in matters of good.. evil.. chaos.. order.. they tend to think about practically the same thing at the same time. Froboy *thinking* First nybar dissappears and jubjub slinks off... and now they both reappear.. I'm getting confused The Guy Who Has A Name That Changes ALOT *Thinking* Nybar and jubjub.. appearing out of thin air! Think I will eat them! (both god and his shadow.. at the same time) "WHAT THE FUCK?" Nybar "DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN!@$ I've *SEEN* This exzact scene ... though from a different perspective. It was about a war and obscure techno-god planted the seeds of to help him gain concentration. This was a picture from the final battle sight. Hmm.. wierd." The Dark and INSIDOUS lord of dark and INSIDIOUS stuff "hmm.. I fail to understand your logic." Nybar "let me explain. Baba Wawa Juniow.. from the year 2050 ...." Froboy "2050?!~!@$" Nybar "after I dissipeared I was in.. nebarbera..... 2050." Froboy "ahh.. right." Nybar The dark and insidious lord of all evil, froboy.. nybar.. and jubjub sit around a card table.. sipping tea.. while they all hear the whole story of how nybar lived and worked in nevada, 2050. .... Nybar "so anyway.. baba wawa juniow hacked (or as she would put it.. hawcked) into the techno-god system.. and read an obscure article from some obscure techo-god that he had planted a data packet in the mind of a young tibettan infant many years ago teaching him all the tricks of wrestling. I believe that young infant grew into you.. froboy." Froboy "So.. it was all a scam?!@$ To help some fucker CONCENTRATE?@#%?@?#?@!#$?!?@$?!@?$?!@?$??$#!?@?$?!@$?!@" The Dark Lord "I do not appreciate being used in this way.." Froboy "What do you say we use.. what was it you called it.. `TV Logic' to go and give all those fucking `techno gods' what what for" The Dark Lord "For once.. I side with you.. pal." ... The rest few hours were a breeze. With The Dark Lord learning some rules.. and froboy breaking some.. and finally travelling to another place.. another time.. Nybar and I were left alone with our lives again. We were wrestlers. This is what we did. Now.. I wasn't so sure. I felt really screwed over.. actually. I mean.. we had helped steer the destiny of wrestling more then any mortal to date.. but lets face it. Wrestling was just some absurd invention of a lesser techno-godling. It really pissed me off. But nybar had a plan. Sell the story. It wouldn't be hard.. I mean.. it is a pretty good story. And if your reading this.. maybe it means things worked out pretty well.. after all . FIN Nybar "MUAHAHAHAHHAHA!$!@$!$ Sorry.. I just had an insatible desire to get the last laugh in. Fin.. for real" oh man that fucking sucked.. ohh man.. oh fuck sucky ohh man that fucking sucked oh man fucking sucky I hated that oh fuck I sold out so much oh fuck ahh well. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ well.. wasnt that a dandy little lesson in eliteness (except I still think I sold out in all of those zinboobi things..) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ EOF