***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ************* ************* ************* ************* ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ********* ********* ********* ********* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** ***** ***** ***** SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents: ####========================================================#### THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 45 ####========================================================#### "One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu still going strong" * PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS *** P P U U R R P P S ***** P P U U R R P P S ******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS ********* P U U R R P S *********** P U U R RR P S ***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS ***** ***** ***** ***** * **** * *** *** *** **** * ***** ************************************ **************************************** ************************************ **** ***** ***** *** ***** *** * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *********** ********* ******* ***** *** * WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139 ####===================================================================#### INTRO ####===================================================================#### Oh here we go whacking together another sacred issue of Purps. Once again we should welcome all those new folks who've joined up as of late. Subscriptions continue to roll in. If you know of anyone who wants aboard the amazing subscription list please send a message to HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu. Hmm lately there has been some confusion among the flock of OTIS in regards to where one should ask for additional information besides here at HailOtis. If you are interested in getting a copy of the OTISIAN Directory or any printed on Paper OTIS material ( OTIS knows there must be several cubic yards of the stuff you could collect.) write to the address above. (Yeah the Massachusetts Ave one.) Or, if you prefer contact with the Pope Himself, at jstevens@world.std.com. He is the Pope, after all, so be polite. I'm sure you'd brighten his day with a friendly note or two. If neither of these sources give you satisfaction feel free to yell at the HailOtis address and something can be worked out. We continue to have problems here at my end. Oh well. It's mostly budget and hardware things. Our laser printer is always on the fritz. If you know anyone who is supposed to get paper copies of this please let them know what is going on. In the interests of not being publicly chastised in" High Weirdness by E-mail" (write mporter@nyx.cs.du.edu if you want info) we're attempting to get another purps out. That means a few things have been cut and others simply got left out. I am trying to shorten purps a tad. I've been getting complaints again that it is too long. These come in the form of "It's took long to wade through" or "The postmaster at my site is going to nail my hide to the side of the student union building if you send me another huge purps." Hmm what else. Oh we received a bunch of submissions relating to the past election. Since that's over with those sorts of submissions seemed a tad dated, so they were given the toss. I do not know if I should encourage this type of behavior, but well... here goes. We received Phirst Amendment Vol. 1 Issue #1 from dlightma@nyx.cs.du.edu. This is some manner of electronic journal which reminds me of Phrack for some reason. This one was pretty nifty. If you want to know all about the american monetary system and where the masons come in and that like get a copy of this. [There I did it.] Anyways, on with the show ####===================================================================#### This Looks Like A Job For Engineers ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 9 Sep 92 11:03:24 EDT From: Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu To: hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu Subject: The Whale Subject: A whopper! Date: Wed, 26 Feb 92 13:15:03 -0500 From: "William J. Lenhart" From: Duane A. Bailey (From: Phil Hirschhorn ) A stress reliever: (From the UW CS bulletin board) I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First, you see, the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!". Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of... MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the sea gulls, who had no doubt permanently relocated in Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol. ####===================================================================#### This is not Factsheet Five - Electric ####===================================================================#### Date: 30 Sep 92 19:36:05 EDT From: Rodney Eric Griffith <71163.1600@CompuServe.COM> Subject: This is not Factsheet Five - Electric FactSheet Five was the zine of zines, the central clearinghouse of information about the small press. Mike Gunderloy produced 44 issues of it before having the decency to abdicate. There is a book in this, somewhere. Somebody should write about it. Maybe Bob Black. There is a longish article in the Usenet newsgroup alt.zines that describes one person's take on the final days of Factsheet Five under the guidance of Mike. It's a lot like "The Final Days", the Woodward & Bernstein book. Hudson Luce took over, put out issue 45, and was similarly overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by the quantity of stuff, overwhelmed by life in general but mostly overwhelmed by his unrelenting lack of ability. Well-meaning and mean-spirited criticism forced him to rethink his hasty (and probably greedy) ploy for instant celebrity/authority; Hudson has since bailed out of the magazine business and a printed version of Factsheet Five, produced from a central location, was no longer happening, as if it was ever "happening" in the first place. Q. Why *is* there no printed version of Factsheet Five? Because each successive editorial clique is interested only in recreating Gunderloy's mistakes; they want the bloated version of Factsheet Five. No one believes that a 32pp. digest version of F5 is acceptable; everyone believes that there is enough self-published material to sustain a 128 full-size magazine. There isn't. There never was. Q. How can I get zines reviewed in Factsheet Five? A. The quickest way is to become the new publisher of Factsheet Five. You will receive 350 pounds of zines - most of which you will forward to the next publisher of Factsheet Five, and so on. It's the most effective method of distribution the marginals have ever come up with. Q. Why did Factsheet Five die? Factsheet Five collapsed under its own weight. By #44 at least 90% of its contents were superfluous; irrelevant to anarchy/science fiction/libertarianism/free thinking. The most obvious extraneous items: Music reviews: unnecessary. Most "alternative" "music" "artists" blow dog; anything good gets mentioned above ground. Movie reviews: unnecessary. That F5's sole film reviewer was a whining Rex Reed conservative is a disgrace. Poetry reviews: Need not be segregated into a 10-page section that amounted to a 10-page celebration of the superficial. Mail Art: See poetry reviews. By this mere act of taste, we have already obliterated 40% of F5's critical problems. The absence of Gunderloy's senility eliminates the other 60%. Gunderloy's practise of not censoring any submitted hate literature, while in a theoretical sense an admirable Nat Hentoff-on-NIGHTLINE sensibility, in practical fact had a deathly effect: hate lit (Nazi/Nationalist/Feminist/Republican etc.), which already had a circulation in mainstream media, encouraged by its very presence "moderate" hate by way of political "action" publications. Little Fascists were everywhere, spreading Almost as bad was the encouragement of the deification of small press publishing; that self-published material, regardless of quality (more often than not in crass defiance of quality) had a divine right of way. This editorial sycophancy served only to alienate otherwise readers who resented paying exorbitant subscription fees to be serenaded by petulant diatribes by snotty illiterates who'd long since over spent their 15 minutes of fame by proselytizing a cause they'd sold out to. So much for "Crosspolinization". The marginals gene pool has been polluted by Gunderloy's senility, but not irrevocably. Taste and censorship are NOT RELATED. But all anti-individualist bleatings by support group addicts are. Thus the clever were penalized, while the bland were exalted. Factsheet Five is history, and it will remain a tarnished relic of the 80s as long as it remains in the hands of fawning idiots. Maybe the teenagers were right: Gunderloy did betray them. Not by abandoning, but by being a mediocre publisher/editor who did not know when - or what - to cut. ####===================================================================#### Emendations ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 05 Oct 1992 11:20:17 EDT From: "and I know where to find you when the day is done...-Animal Logic" Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 10:53:01 EDT From: Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu Subject: Emendations The following unfortunate passages in the RSV have been emended in the NRSV: RSV: Zech 3:3 Now Joshua was standing before the angel, clothed in filthy garments. I guess someone forgot to send the angel costumes out for cleaning! RSV: Ps 50:9 I will accept no bull from your house. What can I say? RSV: 2 Cor 11:25 Once I was stoned. Oh, really? ####===================================================================#### Kitty's Day ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 16:47 HKT From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk Subject: Identity neutered to protect the Kitty... Kitty gets up this morning because the wefwigewator man is coming wif the new wefwigewator. Kitty can't say "refrigerator" any more because she saw the "Dinosaurs"'s "Refrigerator Day" episode one to many times. The refrigerator is the last thing in the kitchen remodeling, at least officially. There are still no new chairs for the breakfast table, and, of course, when they put in the new cabinets and counters, they didn't hook anything back up right, so the microwave and the disposal are on the fritz. Kitty's trying to organize a garage sale and needs to put an ad in the newspaper today and get a job application and cover letter in the mail... So, of course, as soon as she stops waiting for the refrigerator man to call and starts working on her application, he shows up, no phone call. Kitty rushes to get everything out of the freezer in the old 'fwigewator, and then puts it all back in the new freezer in the new 'fwigewator. Then mom calls to find out if Kitty got the ad written, and Kitty has to run to the mailbox with her application. Kitty writes the ad and moves some of the stuff that WAS in the old fridge, and SHOULD be in the new fridge, but is presently in the THIRD fridge, which is out in the utility room. Kitty tries to call mom back, but she's busy. Kitty gives up on the kitchen and the ad and makes a turkey pot pie in the oven which at one point had something burned in it, so it smells funny and drops what Kitty is certain is carcinogenic ash on everything she tries to cook in it (and of course, she'd use the microwave, but it's broken...) Kitty goes into the office to read mail and wait for the pot pie, but gets distracted by having to kill a yellowjacket, a horsefly, and eight or nine houseflies that came in with the refrigerator. Kitty runs around the sunroom bashing insect brains out with a "1991 Weekly Executive Planner" much to the bemusement of the schnauzer still on his chain outside. Projection: Kitty's mom comes home at 7:30 and exclaims what a mess the house is in, and how Kitty doesn't do anything all day. ####===================================================================#### Political Anagrams ####===================================================================#### Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1992 10:08 HKT From: Subject: some political anagrams from the net - most amusing! The following are anagrams of "Democratic National Convention" and "Republican National Convention". They are to go along with such wonderful political anagrams as "Ronald Wilson Reagan" -> "Insane Anglo Warlord" and, better yet, "George Herbert Walker Bush" -> "Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog"! :-) Democratic National Convention - ------------------------------ Top ten: America voted Clinton? No, I cannot! Item: Advance Clinton coronation Clinton nomination: Accord at eve Clinton: "Act on American devotion" Control, damn it, conceive a nation Conceal at contrived nomination American continent: cold ovation Viet Nam, Tornado, Cocaine, Clinton Election condition: Vacant manor Dominator can't contain violence Republican National Convention - ------------------------------ Top ten: Puritanical ban on innocent love Continual privation can ennoble Can learn potato noun? Invincible! Cannot balance virulent opinion Unconventional noble patrician Clinton convention: plebeian aura An inconvenient clan, a Politburo Innocence until naval probation Plain notion: binuclear covenant Pollution ban: inane contrivance Democratic National Convention - ------------------------------ Honorable mention: Clinton contortion; evade maniac Clinton nomination; vacate credo Concentration on vital comedian Clinton: Condemnation to avarice Clinton vocation: Erotica and men Covet arcane Clinton admonition A violent, narcotic condemnation Republican National Convention - ------------------------------ Second tier: Announce bill veto; nation in crap Announce vibrant, online capitol Bonn (noun): (1) capitol; (2) evil incarnate Uncap cannon; violent liberation A craven taunt: penicillin no boon Clinton evaporation; ennui blanc Ballet, union, nirvana, conception Burn no inane political covenant Violence burnt on; national panic Uncap ban: colonial intervention Almost as good: Obtain an epic: "Clinton lover a nun" Concentration on unlivable pain Conventional lunatic brain? Nope! Valiant concubine; online patron Continual probation can enliven Violent cannibal, piano nocturne Conviction plan: alienate unborn Blunt an inane conviction, parole Innocent love-rub; national panic Avert Clinton; unbalance opinion Martin Farach ####===================================================================#### Sex With Aliens ####===================================================================#### From: mcnair@slab.unt.edu Subject: SEX with aliens Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 21:59:08 GMT I recently had sex with an alien. The alien in question lives in my room. He is yurple in color (yellow with purple polkadots) and he emanates facts at me. For example, I know that he is from the planet xenon, and is rather small for his age. (600 yrs) He is just an adolescent, as this species of animal (or I should say, alien intelligence) lives to be four thousand years of age. He weighs about ninety pounds. (I carried him to the scale) He doesn't come in any particular shape, he merely takes on the shape of his environment. (He can change shape at will) He doesn't seem to have many bones, just a jaw with sharp teeth. He likes to eat, on occasion. (about every two weeks he polishes off an entire jar of of peanut butter. He seems to prefer creamy Jif as opposed to crunchy.) The strange thing about this alien, other than the fact that he usually hangs out with me all the time, is that he is empathetic to all my desires, and that he is a doppleganger. For example, last night, I saw a television show that was all about me! It was a news show, and the newscasters kept saying things when I wasn't listening clearly about things I'd been doing, reporting secretly to the rest of the population about what I'd been up to! Then, during a commercial, the women started screaming about Tater Tots (tm) and a few Radioactive Tater Tots (tm) fell on the rug! It was then that I got some sexual feelings for a woman that I saw in the hospital earlier today. Then, the yurple (that's what I call him) changed into the woman I was seeing earlier, and we had sex. The odd thing about is that the yurple, I think, I'm not sure, bit off my penis and swallowed it! It grew back the next day, but now I'm not sure what to do about the yurple. Gumby ####===================================================================#### On the "Job" with the Pope ####===================================================================#### Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 22:06:24 -0400 (EDT) From: Jeffrey Stevens [stuff deleted] Just got back from a three day "job" escorting a Japanese travel writer (Globetrotter, natch) around the state. She wanted to mail a package, so we hightailed it to the nearest post office. It happened to be in Williamstown. They still remember me there. I walk in with this woman I'm trying very hard to look professional for and the guy behind the counter says: "Oh, look! The Fruitcake!" and someone in the back says: "Hail OTIS!" I explained it away as a "religious thing". With a straight face even. She thinks Americans are weird anyway. j. ####===================================================================#### Actor Plays Part Too Realistically ####===================================================================#### Date: Sat, 17 Oct 1992 14:51:07 EDT From: "Too many puppies..." Subject: humor From: MX%"hcresnic@midway.uchicago.edu" 17-OCT-1992 14:46:18.02 Subj: 'Round Midnight [headers deleted] Neat story about the French film of the same name starring Dexter Gordon. Mr. Gordon was up for best actor at the Cannes film Festival (and he probably would have won, too) except for the fact that he was disqualified. Seems the nominating committee thought that a jazz saxophonist playing a jazz saxophonist wasn't _acting_ per se.... Even though he wasn't playing himself. Yeah, but what do the French know.... ####===================================================================#### The Truth Behind Ren and Stimpy ####===================================================================#### [In case you've been following the great Ren and Stimpy crisis here's the official poop from the Pope] Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1992 22:41:19 -0400 (EDT) From: Jeffrey Stevens Subject: Re: R&S Clash: The Latest On 21 Oct 1992, Rodney Eric Griffith wrote: > Thought you might like to be apprised. > > Rodney > > >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> > Billy West -- the voice of "Stimpy" -- was on WBCN in Boston this morning > talking about the happenings at R&S. He claimed that John K. and Nick had a > falling out solely about the content of the cartoons, which Nick apparently > had second thoughts about broadcasting (they approved the storyboards, but > when they actually saw the shows they thought differently). According to > West, two shows were actually pulled after being queued up for broadcast. John > K. and Nick had a major falling out after that, and the decision was made to > have Nick run the show, with John K. remaining in a consultant role (a la Matt > Groening and "The Simpsons") and do Ren's voice. However, West said that Nick > decided it was better to make a clean cut, and West also said that John K > agreed, and is anxious to go on to other things. > > I have no idea how much of this is damage control, but there you have it from > the cat's mouth! > > [reported by Steve Sanger on CompuServe] > Well, that's it. Quite possibly the end of Ren and Stimpy as we know them. Sniff. I'll miss those Shaven Yak Day celebrating, fez wearing, OTIS worshipping guys. The good news, of course, is that we here at the House have most of the upper level staff of Nickelodeon in our back pockets. Have had for a number of years. Hell, we had to do something when MTV started broadcasting all that Subweenie propaganda. Buying out their children's network division and initiating its management into the Elder Knights of OTIS made a lot of sense at the time. Don't look at me that way. Surely you don't think Nick at Night was THEIR idea. O.K. I guess a quick review of the facts is in order. Mid 1988 YOC (Year of the Carpenter) (I think; my dates aren't very good, and they don't think much of me either ba doom doom, it might have been 1989): MTV starts running free ads for the fropheads. Mid 1988: A worried Pope Jephe decides the free publicity the fropheads are getting amounts to a slap in the face. Regrets the comment he made to MTV producer about his mother at dinner party in 1984. End of 1988: MTV calls for veiwer produced video to be shown late at night. Pope Jephe calls on all loyal OTISians to send in clips promoting their chosen faith. Loyal OTISians look at floor and shuffle shoes. Some remember pressing engagements in New Mexico. Some respond to his request. Among them Dr. Scott Simpson, DD. His fifteen minute rant against B-B" is never aired. MTV in fact, airs nothing at all. End of 1988: On advice from Preacher Tim Pope Jephe takes advantages of a spate of firings at Nickelodeon (controlled by MTV) to put his own people in. Scott Simpson attempts to get a job with MTV. Fails. Nick placements are successful. Slightly later: Campaign starts. A convoluted rant by Tim in the OD ends with these words: "And what, in the final analysis, could be more interesting that broadcasting people chewing taffy 24 hours a day? "Just one channel of course, all the rest could be Nickelodeon."-- Preacher Tim Howland of the House of Blue Light. Dr. Simpson damns a frophead publication in the same issue for ragging on "The Dick Van Dyke Show". Two weeks later Nick adds the show to its new "Nick at night" line up. No one gets suspicious. 1991: A crop of strange new cartoons appears on Nick. While "Rug Rats" and "Doug" have obvious OTISian overtones, "Ren & Stimpy" with its fezes and Yak jokes is not at all subtle about the dogma it espouses. After a run of a few weeks, MTV starts airing R&S itself. A VJ appears sporting proudly an R&S tee-shirt. Pope Jephe laughs all the way to the bank. ####===================================================================#### Masked Radical Seeks Office ####===================================================================#### From: holt_c@cubldr.colorado.edu Subject: Interesting article Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 17:35:22 GMT Article taken from the Campus Press, C.U.'s campus newspaper: Masked Radical Seeks Office By Michael Noe Campus Press Staff Writer A Masked man is mounting a campaign to "control and dominate" the students of C.U., but he needs their support to do it. Brandon Panzram, a senior philosophy and business major, is running for one of five open positions as representative-at-large in the student government Legislative Council. Panzram (a false name) said he and 24 other members of his "Mediocre Party" plan to unify and strengthen the student body by forcing students to join their party or get "thrown out on some ridiculous charge." "We will be able to manage larger-based control and domination from the council," he said. Panzram said he supports diversity and change, as the rest of the candidates do. To ensure diversity, he said he wants to take people from different segments of society and "corral them" to address their concerns and problems. Panzram said he wants to rid the campus of the business school and art school. His campaign flier asks, "are you in a band? Do you paint? You're an artist? "Art, along with God and culture, is dead. Creativity cannot be taught, or even 'harnessed' as the pathetic art failures which teach it will argue," the flier states. He said he is using the spectacle of a false name and secret identity to take over and dominate the media and eventually take control of the student union. Panzram said he would use the Imig Music building for blackjack tables, since he advocates on-campus gambling. He would also use the Sibell Wolle Fine Arts building for offices to retrain students who "believe what they see and hear." Other issues Panzram supports are: - Declaring Tuesday Environmental Havoc Day. - Declaring Thursday Vandalism Day. - Requiring an all-school uniform. All students would be required to wear "clean, pressed, logo-enhanced sexually androgynous work suits. - Offering classes on how to maximize the efficiency of gun and drug use. ####===================================================================#### From the Mouth of Babes ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 20:50:13 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: [awerling%nmsu.edu: Even a four year old knows (fwd)] Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1992 14:03:02 -0600 From: "(Victoria L Boyd PhD)" Subject: Even a four year old knows Last week my daughter's day care center was decorating for Halloween. They made ghosts and jack-o-lanterns. One of the other projects was, for lack of a better phrase, a tombstone for a scary person. Each child was to make a tombstone for a scary person. While most children picked fictional characters (like Shredder, Cruella deVil, and Captain Hook) my daughter picked George Bush. Her's read: Here lies George Bush He needed to think of something to do. Out of the mouths of babes. ####===================================================================#### Dedicated Voters ####===================================================================#### [Let this serve as a message to you all. Otis expects this kind of dedication out of you.] Date: Tue, 27 Oct 92 12:39:23 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Subject: [zursch@whizkid.wpd.sgi.com: Now *that's* dedication!] From: zursch@whizkid.wpd.sgi.com (Captain Coffee) Subject: Now *that's* dedication! Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1992 17:28:01 GMT HOUSTON (UPI) -- A 74-year-old heart patient from Kerrville, Texas, refused to come to Houston for treatment until an ambulance driver agreed to help him fill out an early election ballot for Bill Clinton. George Dodd, who remained in fair condition Tuesday at a Houston cardiac unit, last week told his wife, ``Keep me alive until I can cast my vote...I'm not leaving until I vote for Bill Clinton. I am not going to die until I vote Democratic.'' Dodd was hospitalized in Kerrville Oct. 12 with a severe heart condition, and doctors decided to send him to Houston for treatment. However, the retired doctor said he wanted to cast his ballot for the Democratic presidential candidate before transferring out-of-town. Dodd's wife, Reba, said a poll worker in Kerrville agreed to take a ballot to the ambulance on Oct. 13 if Dodd could get the driver to stop outside the city auditorium where early voting was taking place. The nurse at Kerrville's Sid Peterson Hospital called for the ambulance and related the detour request, which the driver honored. ####===================================================================#### A Major Misunderstanding ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1992 17:24:57 EST From: "Seventeenth century Massachusetts is seen as a land of witches and kill-joys, whose only virtue lay in their furniture.-E.S.M." From: KENYON::COMUS "EFFICIENCY IS A HIGHLY DEVELOPED FORM OF LAZINESS " 27-OCT-1992 15:32:16.81 Subj: message from a friend of mine. Thought you might enjoy it... From: MX%"chris@TC.Cornell.EDU" 27-OCT-1992 14:47:11.34 Subj: I thought this was funny... Talk about a major misunderstanding !!!!!!! I read this today in the Durham Fish Wrap (Herald). (Unknown Wire Service Report) A USAIR employee, Mr. Gay, took advantage of USAIR's free travel benefit and booked a flight. When he boarded the plane, a paying customer was already in his assigned seat, so he took another empty seat instead. It turns out that the flight was over-booked and a USAIR ticket agent was asked to bump any non-paying customers. The ticket agent went to the seat originally assigned to the USAIR employee and said to the person in the seat, "are you Gay?". The paying customer replied after a brief pause - "uh,... yes". The ticket agent then said, "I sorry, you're going to have to get off this plane." Over-hearing this, Mr. Gay stood up and said, "There's been some mistake, I'm Gay." Another passenger stood up and said "I'm gay too. Are you going to throw me off too?" Somehow they sorted out the misunderstanding. Mr. Gay de-planed and the flight got underway. ####===================================================================#### A Deeply Religious Tale Chapter Seven ####===================================================================#### (((((((((((((((((Chapter Seven )))))))))))))))))))) {As you last recall, things got very confusing when the divine messenger tried to explain to Wilberforce the politics of Heaven and Hell and how sinners are punished. After telling everyone involved if they wanted to know what they were questing after they would have to join up on the quest the messenger had gone off to take a bath and to give the group time to consider his offer. Meanwhile, Wilberforce had put on his merrily blinking bow tie which made all the Angels laugh. Also, he pulled out the remains of his hair when the Chinese peasants who had taken up residence in his house stabled their yak in the living room and then used it to plow up most of the back yard for a rice paddy. Also at this time, the mysterious agent from Hell had stepped out of the bushes to make the group an offer.} "Roll up! Roll up! Have I got an offer for you. For just your meager soul we'll fulfill your every desire. Just sign this piece of paper and we'll give you everything you've ever wanted," cried the little man in dark Italian sun glasses, waving a handful of number two pencils and some mark sense forms. Several of the Hell's Angels immediately succumbed to his sales pitch and began to fill out the forms. "What are you, a bunch of chickens? You want to on a quest with that fat slug or do you want Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll? Yes! I'll fulfill your every desire no matter what it is. Just sign over your soul to me and don't go on that wild goose chase of a quest." Several more filtered over. The man seemed to possess some hypnotic power. Everyone in the general area could feel themselves succumbing to his obnoxious and loud sales pitch, except of course for the Chinese peasants who didn't understand english and were having too much trouble with their stubborn yak to pay much attention to anything else. Something inside Wilberforce told him to do something. This was wrong and evil. These poor bikers would go straight to Hell and never get out. It was so horrible, he stuttered. Trixie looked to him for guidance. "Don't listen to that fool. You'll only lose in the end," said Wilberforce in a weak voice that didn't seem to be his own. "But, Fred we could sell our souls together. Just think of all the fun we could have," she said, taking his arm and leading him toward the man who was busily passing out forms to most of the Hell's Angels except to the ones who had passed out or were too spaced out to pay any attention. "No I've got to go on this quest." said Wilberforce in a slightly stronger voice fingering his flashing bow tie. "If you sign on with us you can get rid of that silly bow tie," pointed out the agent from Hell. Suddenly Trixie said, "If you don't sign your soul I'll do it all by myself, you fat slug!" Fred was flabbergasted. Trixie seemed to have completely changed. Something was controlling her mind and he knew what it was. This galvanized the overweight artist into action. Quickly he took a few steps forward and then swung his beefy leg, kicking the surprised man from Hell in the groin. The man in top and tail turned a shade of green and fell over curling up like a dried leaf. The spell seemed to have been broken. Trixie threw her arms around Fred and the other Hell's Angels shook their heads as if shaking something off. However, almost half of them had already signed over their souls. Some were happy about it while others moaned in fear. After a few minutes of silence(except for the peasants noisily plowing the back yard) the agent from Hell managed to get to his knees. "You'll pay for this Wilberforce!" He gasped, and then with a gesture he and those who had signed over their souls disappeared. ####===================================================================#### McDonnell Douglas warranty card ####===================================================================#### Date: Mon, 2 Nov 1992 15:48 EST From: SBI-Submarine Pens Date: Mon, 2 Nov 92 10:26:52 MST From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu Date: Mon, 2 Nov 92 08:46:11 MST From: owhite%NMSU.Edu Subject: McDonnell Douglas warranty card M M DDDD ll ll MM MM D D l l M M M M D D l l M M M ccc D D ooo n nn n nn eee l l M M c D D o o nn n nn n e e l l M M c D D o o n n n n eeeee l l M M c D D o o n n n n e l l M M ccc DDDD ooo n n n n eee lll lll DDDD ll D D l D D l aaa D D ooo u u ggg l a ssss D D o o u u g g l aa a s D D o o u u g g l a aa sss D D o o u uu g gg l a a s DDDD ooo uu u gg g lll aaa a ssss g ggg AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________ Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________ Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________ 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? _F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified 3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________ 4. Serial Number____________________ 5. Please check where this product was purchased: _Received as Gift/Aid Package _Catalog Showroom _Sleazy Arms Broker _Mail Order _Discount Store _Government Surplus _Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: _Heard loud noise, looked up _Store Display _Espionage _Recommended by friend/relative/ally _Political lobbying by Manufacturer _Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: _Style/Appearance _Kickback/Bribe _Recommended by salesperson _Speed/Maneuverability _Comfort/Convenience _McDonnell Douglas Reputation _Advanced Weapons Systems _Price/Value _Back-Room Politics _Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: _North America _Central/South America _Aircraft Carrier _Europe _Middle East _Africa _Asia/Far East _Misc. Third-World Countries _Classified 9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future: Product Own Intend to purchase Color TV VCR ICBM Killer Satellite CD Player Air-to-Air Missiles Space Shuttle Home Computer Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply: _Communist/Socialist _Terrorist _Crazed (Islamic) _Crazed (Other) _Neutral _Democratic _Dictatorship _Corrupt (Latin American) _Corrupt (Other) _Primitive/Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? _Cash _Suitcases of Cocaine _Oil Revenues _Deficit Spending _Personal Check _Credit Card _Ransom Money _Traveler's Check 12. Occupation You Your Spouse Homemaker Sales/Marketing Revolutionary Clerical Mercenary Tyrant Middle Management Eccentric Billionaire Defense Minister/General Retired Student 13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: Activity/Interest You Your Spouse Golf Boating/Sailing Sabotage Running/Jogging Propaganda/Disinformation Destabilizing/Overthrow Default on Loans Gardening Crafts Black Market/Smuggling Collectibles/Collections Watching Sports on TV Wines Interrogation/Torture Household Pets Crushing Rebellions Espionage/Reconnaissance Fashion Clothing Border Disputes Mutually Assured Destruction Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division P.O. Box 800 St. Louis, MO 55500 ####===================================================================#### A New Game ####===================================================================#### Date: Tue, 10 Nov 1992 13:09:22 EST From: "We generally achieve what we aim for.--Thoreau" Subject: amusement in November (just what we all need) From: MX%"Victor.E.Hill@williams.edu" 10-NOV-1992 08:33:55.56 Subj: Amusement > A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed > on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new > game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the > pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly > along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their > heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn > around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite > direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the > paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin > colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins > fall over gently onto their backs. > -- Audobon Society Magazine ####===================================================================#### Strange But True ####===================================================================#### Date: Wed, 18 Nov 92 00:04:59 EDT From: Debbie of the Ohio Otisians Subject: Re: Purps 44 at last! Some wacky but true stories for the next issue. In Gilroy, Calif., police are still baffled over a burglar who broke into a home and stole a set of curtains--then hung new ones. The fussy burglar also made the bed, dumped the trash, placed laundry in the hamper and washed the dishes. A football fanatic in Jonesboro, Ga, finished watching the Super Bowl before calling police to tell them that his wife had committed suicide. A case closed by Crown Point, Ind., police as a suicide was ordered reopened after a coroner disagreed with the cops' conclusion that the victim had done himself in...by bashing his own skull 32 times with a hammer. From a book called "Refried News" Hope your life has settled down some. ####===================================================================#### THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE ####===================================================================#### -1992 Subink [Special Thanks to Lulu for Proofreading]