R a N d O m A c C e S s H u M o R RAH! RAH! Volume 0 Number E November 1993 A rag-tag collection of fugitive humor, some of which is vaguely related to the BBS/Online System world. Editor: Dave Bealer Member of the Digital Publishing Association Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved Random Access Humor is an irregular production of: VaporWare Communications 32768 Infinite Loop Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2 USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director, Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari. TABLE OF INCONTINENCE: About Vaporware Communications.....................................01 Editorial - The State of Electronic Publishing Address.............01 Lettuce to the Editor..............................................04 Star Bored: Deep Node Naive........................................04 Echoes From Hell...................................................10 Mental Pause.......................................................12 The Big Aussie BBSCON '93..........................................13 Comedy and Computing...............................................17 The 1993 Ig Nobel Prize Winners....................................18 The Twit Filter: The Rules Lawyer..................................21 A Sysop's Phone Bill...............................................23 RAH Humor Review: Missing Inaction.................................23 RAH Needs A Logo!..................................................23 Announcements......................................................25 Taglines Seen Around the Nets......................................26 Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1 RAH Distribution System...........................................A-2 Random Access Humor Page 1 November 1993 About Vaporware Communications VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR VaporWare Corporate Officers: Luther Lecks President, Chief Egomaniac Officer Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A., Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al. V.P., Research & Development --------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial - The State of the Electronic Publishing Address by Dave Bealer The Digital Publishing Association, of which I am proud to be a member, has declared November 1993 to be "Electronic Publishing Month." It seems only fitting, therefore, that I bore you all to tears with "my own personal vision" of where RAH (and the whole electronic publishing industry) is, where it came from, where it is going, what time it got home last night, etc. A few visionaries, such as N. L. "Jake" Hargrove of New Mexico, have been touting electronic publishing as a good idea since the middle of the 1980s. Precious few people listened to them. Everyone was too busy making money and reading the Sharper Image catalog with one hand. Some of the visionaries gave up in disgust, while others kept plugging away. In the late 1980s, an oasis or two appeared in the electronic publishing (epub) desert. One such oasis was ModemNews Magazine, which eventually became the most popular BBS-based electronic magazine (emag) ever. ModemNews is still being published after five years, but its focus has shifted from being the definitive general interest emag on the boards. ModemNews now serves to highlight up and coming emags like RAH. This is an important development. Whole herds of people suddenly had the same idea, in the early 1990s, that Jake and the other pioneers had in the middle 1980s; namely, the concept of publishing magazines and books electronically. Frankly, much of what has been published electronically so far is trash. But more and more of it is not trash, or at least (like RAH) designer trash. The fact that Jeff Green, the editor of ModemNews, has decided that there are emags out there worth highlighting is encouraging news. Random Access Humor Page 2 November 1993 But how far have we actually come in the past decade? No emag has established itself as a viable commercial entity. No electronic book has become a best seller. All that happened is that we moved from the lone pioneer phase (a.k.a. the Daniel Boone phase) to the wagon train stage. There are now significant numbers of people trying this, but it is still far from easy, or safe. Like the early pioneers, there are small pockets, or settlements, of epub people scattered throughout cyberspace. Because of (believe it or not) communications difficulties, the epub settlers rarely talk to others outside their own group. Much of the problem is due to lack of knowledge of other groups' existence. Another major part of the problem stems from technical incompatibilities between different factions (nets). Part of it is simply the verbally violent nature of much of cyberspace. Flame wars rage like the range wars of old. Very few of the parties involved are interested in taking prisoners. The major overriding problem, though, is one of perception. Many folks in the BBS epub arena seem to think that epub success will come from following the print publishing paradigm. Mere substitution of diskettes for books and magazines seems to be the goal of this group. The Digital Publishing Association started life as the Disktop Publishing Association. The main idea was to distribute epubs on diskette. In fact, the reason the name was changed was because some software company had trademarked the word "Disktop." Another one of those cyberspace epub settlements I have been watching through my spyglass lately seems to be a lot closer to getting it right. The Internet folks have been publishing emags since just after the third system hooked into the NSFNet backbone. Again, many of these emags are pure dreck, but a few are getting there. The real edge that Internet epubs enjoy is availability. An epub on an FTP server can be accessed by anyone on the planet with an Internet shell account. "FTP by Mail" servers extend that reach to anyone with an Internet e-mail account. New technology such as the "World Wide Web" will make hypertext epubs available online to users around the world. The for-pay BBS systems have run up the white flag and are connecting to the Internet in droves. As this wholesale conversion is completed we will see the Internet become the defacto standard for electronic communication. I am in the process of setting up a private UUCP site for RAH support on the Internet. Eventually the current one line BBS I run will be replaced by an Internet-connected multiline board. In short, it looks like the Internet's dominance will eventually solve most of the technical incompatibility problems now rampant in cyberspace. Like all communications advances, this will enable folks to insult and incite their fellows that much better and faster. What an achievement. Random Access Humor Page 3 November 1993 There are those who claim that the mere act of running a networked message BBS constitutes electronic publication. This may indeed be the case, but that is ultimately something for the lawyers to decide. But networked conferences have given many people large audiences for their ideas. This has great implications for the future of both the technical sciences and social sciences. Governments worldwide are grappling with unprecedented levels of individual communication. The days of government officials and media moguls controlling how people of one country view the people of other countries are numbered. This has more than a few people running scared. Even now the U.S. government is attempting to make sure they will be able to tap into, and otherwise try to control, any and all future means of communications in this country. Only three things are actually certain at this point: 1) Electronic publishing is here to stay. It will bring people closer together. 2) The ultimately successful epub format will be completely unlike anything anyone currently expects or predicts. 3) Some people will eventually get rich off of electronic publishing. My main goal in electronic publishing is to be one of those people. The complete changeover from publishing as we know it today to the electronically based publishing paradigm of tomorrow will not happen overnight. The only really sure thing is that it will be an interesting process to watch. - - - Southern California is well on its way to becoming extra crispy again. The residents of that state are regularly struck by earth- quakes, floods, mud slides, wild fires, locusts, plagues, the Manson family, humongous Japanese movie monsters, etc. Does anyone else get the impression that someone is trying to tell Californians something? Like maybe they should move to Idaho? - - - Greg Borek and I will be travelling to Las Vegas in early November. There we will render unto Caesar's that which is Caesar's, render unto Bally's that which is Bally's, render unto Harrah's that which is Harrah's, and so forth. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? A: Make me one with everything. Random Access Humor Page 4 November 1993 Lettuce to the Editor Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 12:17:03 +1000 (EST) From: spon@titanic.mpce.mq.edu.au To: dbealer@clark.net Subject: RAH David, just finished reading RAH 9305-9310. Enjoyed them enormously... I noticed an omission from the canonical list of canonical lists in RAH Sept 93 (p 14) - it didn't contain the canonical list of canonical lists (see RAH sept 93 (p 14)). Cheers, Tom McDermott - - - - - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------- Star Bored: Deep Node Naive by Dave Bealer "Node Commander's Log, board date 01-01-80..." The dashing, debonair commander did a double take. "Not again!" he exclaimed as he punched several buttons on the comm panel. A few of them actually worked. Sparks flew from the comm panel as a connection is finally made. "Crisko to Console, come in." "Console, Major Leera." "Major, why has our system date been reset again?" Crisko tried, unsuccessfully, to control the irritation in his voice. "Checking, sir." The sounds of beeps, honks and electronic zaps could be heard as the Bayshoran assistant sysop fiddled with the master console controls. "It appears that someone has reset the system. Reason unknown." "I'll be right up, Major. Get engineering and security on it right away." "Aye, sir. Leera out." The connection went dead with a final shower of sparks from Crisko's comm panel. "Damn," commented Crisko, to no one in particular. Before leaving his quarters, Crisko changed out of his favorite casual tutu and into his undress uniform. - - - "Report," ordered Crisko breathlessly as he arrived at the main console moments later. The escalator leading up from the Food Court was out of order - again. Hurrying, he bounded up the escalator stairs, an act made easier by his undress uniform, also known as 'long johns.' The skirt of his dress uniform often made him trip when he had to run. Random Access Humor Page 5 November 1993 "Sir, we're having trouble determining exactly what happened." Leera tugged nervously at the shoulder straps of her uniform bikini. "And why is that, major?" Crisko asked, slowly and irritably. "Someone erased the system log." "I see. Lt. Fax, system status?" The Whill lieutenant promptly and formally replied, "The System is back on line, sir. The clock has been reset and synchronized with the main Star Bored time beacon." Fax tried not to look guilty, and did a terrible job of it. Crisko wasn't fooled for a nanosecond. "And...?" Fax hesitated, nervously stroking the head of the whippoorwill which protruded from her left ear. As a child she had been irrevocably joined with the avian - which resembled the earth bird of the same name but was actually a highly intelligent being from a far-flung sector of the galaxy. Unfortunately the bird had been in a snit for several weeks, and refused to speak, except when Fax was trying to sleep, when it recited obscene limericks from a hundred planets at high volume. Crisko was growing more impatient by the picosecond. "And...?" Fax caved in. "We missed three subether packets while the system reset," she reported matter-of-factly. "Three!" Crisko exploded. Just then a pleasant bell tone filled the air, followed by an even more pleasant voice announcing, "Dr. Basher, report to Level 6, Ring 4. Dr. Haggis Basher." Crisko looked even more confused, as if that was possible. "Now what's going on?" "Someone must be hurt," Leera offered helpfully. "I just hope it's the creep who reset the system and erased the logs. Fax, initiate level one search procedures for those missing packets. I'll head down to level six and find out what else is going wrong." "Yes, Blend." Crisko paused in the midst of heading for the down escalator, and addressed Fax in a stage whisper. "Lieutenant, I thought we discussed your use of my first name in public?" "Yes, SIR!" Fax added sarcastically, feigning contrition. Even the whippoorwill was grinning, which isn't an easy thing to do through a beak. Random Access Humor Page 6 November 1993 Crisko retreated down the broken escalator, grumbling to himself. - - - The commotion could be heard from 100 meters away. Crisko slowed as he entered ring four in an attempt to identify the voices he heard arguing. He quickly identified them as his Chief Medical Officer and his Chief of Cable Pulling. "Keep away from me with that thing, you bloody Highlands butcher!" "Come now Chief, it's for your own good." "I'll bet. Just keep away." Crisko hurried towards the sounds of the dueling Irish and Scotch brogues, silently thanking God that he wasn't English. He rounded a corner and found that Chief O'Hooligan had managed to weld his hand to the inside of a cable panel again. The red faced Chief was stuck in a crouching position, his hand inside the cable panel. Dr. Basher was standing over him, menacing him with one of his futuristic salt shakers. "What goes on here, gentlemen?" Crisko asked as he approached the crew members. "Sir," Chief O'Hooligan began, "I was laying some sub-ethernet cable when it shorted out and welded my hand to the door again." "And the clumsy oaf won't let me tend to the situation," Basher helpfully finished. "Clumsy? Ha! This wouldn't happen if I didn't have to wear this copper mesh suit when doing electrical work," insisted the Chief. Dr. Basher was sympathetic. "I know Chief, but rules are rules." Crisko interrupted, "weren't those new safety rules implemented by Admiral McCoot, the Chief of Star Bored Medicine?" "Aye, sir," confirmed Basher, "one of Star Bored Command's wisest and most experienced medical pioneers." "Baloney," opined Chief O'Hooligan. "That old crackpot should have been retired twenty years ago. He's senile, pure and simple." "Now, Chief," Crisko chided, "Star Bored command would never leave him in charge of Medical operations if he wasn't fit for command." "That's as may be, sir. But I'm not letting this stuffed shirt of a bagpipe squeezer touch me until he gets some proper medical instruments." Random Access Humor Page 7 November 1993 "All right, Chief. Calm down." Crisko turned to Dr. Basher, "Doc, see if you can dig up something a little more medical than those silly looking salt and pepper shakers." "Aye, sir." Basher joined Crisko in leaving. "There's a new Magnetic Resonance Chainsaw up in Sickbay I've been dying to try out." "Saints preserve us," the Chief muttered as he renewed his frantic efforts at freeing himself. - - - The depressed node commander sat in the Food Court, idly stirring the Rastafarian Coffee he had purchased at the Bake Shop. Quoisant, the Meringuey baker and proprietor of that business, was trying to cheer him up. "Cheer up, Commander. There are plenty more packets where those came from. You know what subether echomail is like. They'll never miss a couple of messages." Crisko snorted. "Your don't know Star Bored Command. Those guys never miss a trick." He snorted again, because he liked the sound, and continued to stir the green globs floating in his coffee using the festive stirrer - replete with plastic dreadlocks. "You know best, Commander," agreed the diminutive baker, the lumps on his soft, sticky forehead wobbling as he spoke. "How about some HollowSweets? I just made a fresh batch today." "Shove off, Quoisant. I don't need your drugs." "Aw, Commander. You disappoint me. What're a few hallucinogens between friends?" Crisko ignored him. Quoisant realized he was wasting his time. He also recognized the peculiar scent that indicated his least favorite person on the node was approaching. Without another word he wobbled back into his shop. Eventually even Crisko noticed the unmistakable smell that heralded the arrival of his Chief of Security. "What is it, Odor?" Crisko asked, holding his nose. He appeared to be addressing empty air. In fact the air was far from empty. Not that there was anyone left in the Food Court to notice. They had all fled, covering their various olfactory organs. A few of those with weak digestive systems failed to make it to the facilities in time. Finally a cloud formed in mid air and coalesced into a roughly humanoid shape. Crisko stopped addressing empty air. "I thought I asked you not to enter the food court in gaseous form, Odor? We're going to go over budget on janitorial services again this month." "Take it out of my pay, Commander," rasped Odor. "Not that you ever pay me." Random Access Humor Page 8 November 1993 "You know our accounting program hasn't been working for months now. None of us have been getting paid," Crisko countered. "I know, Commander. That's why you have to keep shaking down the merchants here in the Food Court just to survive." "I'm having a bad day, Odor. What do you want?" Crisko clipped a clothes pin on his nose so he could continue the conversation in comfort. "Can I help it that methane is my natural state? Anyway, your day's about to get worse. I just found out who's been resetting the system and why." Crisko suddenly snapped back to alertness. "Who is it?" Odor told him. Crisko blinked in disbelief. Then he dumped the rest of his coffee on the potted plant next to the table. As he and Odor headed for the escalators the plant began wilting. - - - Commander Crisko's voice was like thunder reverberating around the small compartment. "What in the name of Hank Aaron were you thinking?" His eyes drilled into the culprit standing before him. Flake Crisko could not meet the gaze of his enraged father. How could he explain the strange feelings that guided his actions? There was no way. "Resetting the entire node just to cover up the fact that you made 280,000 credits worth of subether calls to 1-900-ORION-SLAVE-GIRLS! What were you thinking?" The enraged parental unit continued to rant. "It would be cheaper to buy you an Orion slave girl!" Flake looked hopefully at his father, naked teenaged lust burning in his eyes. "Forget it, mister! It isn't going to happen!" Flake was crushed. He sighed dramatically and stared at the floor. Suddenly the light of parental justice dawned in the eyes of the frustrated commander. Star Bored Command may have child abuse regs, but... "Get your catchers' mask, Flake. We're going to the holodreck." "Huh?" Flake was totally confused by this turn of events. "Sure," Blend oozed his friendly father schtick. A disturbing change from a moment ago. "A little exercise is just the thing to get your mind off of Orion slave girls." Random Access Humor Page 9 November 1993 Flake hurried to comply, thinking that he was somehow, miraculously, off the hook. As they prepared to leave, Flake asked, "Are you gonna pitch, Dad?" "Oh, no," said his father triumphantly. "You're going to catch a double header. Nine innings from Nolan Ryan and nine from Phil Niekro. All while wearing only your catcher's mask and an athletic supporter." "Sounds like I'm gonna 'catch it' alright," sighed the crestfallen youth. - - - Later that evening, Flake had been confined to Sick bay with numerous baseball shaped contusions. The boy was even too sore and exhausted to make fun of Chief O'Hooligan, who was there having his hand re- generated again. Blend was in his cabin finishing his subether report to Star Bored Command. The screen pictured an aged, balding human male. The caption beneath the picture read, in a HyperType font, 'Admiral H. F. Mudd, Chief Sysop - Star Bored Control.' "Well, try to be more careful with the packets in the future, Blend," warned the figure on the screen. "Anything else to report?" "Admiral, we're having trouble with our main node computer. It has an inferiority complex because Majel Barrett isn't doing its voice." "Come on, Blend! You know what a tight budget we're working under. Look at you; we couldn't even afford a real Shakespearean actor to lead the cast. Just keep the damned packets flowing, OK?" "Yes sir," Crisko finally managed to mutter through clenched teeth. "Crisko, out." He punched more buttons on his comm panel. The image of the admiral faded as the lonely leader complained to himself. "I wish just one officer on this show would remember that I have a rank and a last name." {RAH} -------------- Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129 Internet: dbealer@clark.net --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: Did you hear about the horny seminary school dropout? He was looking for a missionary position. Random Access Humor Page 10 November 1993 Echoes From Hell by John J. Downey We here at IMNOTRIGHT (International Institute for Acronyms Not Necessarily Relevant to Their Organizations) are well aware of the need for up-to-the-millisecond updates on the information services available. Now, as part of our "Preview" feature, we will sneak a glimpse at the new FidoNet Echoes. Here are this month's entries: * * * NON_SEQUITUR Msg. 125 To: Bob Grady From: Lyle Williams Reply to: 322 BG> Try using a higher FILES setting in your CONFIG.SYS. Yes, yes, I know all this. But what about the pizza? Green peppers or mushrooms? * * * DEAD_POET Msg. 245 To: Walt Whitman From: E. A. Poe Reply to: 233 WW> EAP> WW> EAP> WW> WW> * * * NYC_ECHO (with automated Obscene-O-Clean Scanning [tm]) Msg. 7882 To: Vince Goomba From: Nick "The Fin" Gerrano You'se some to think dat Tony is agreein' witchyou on dat topic. He's a wid a like I nevuh seen before. You knows whad I'm talkin' 'bout? * * * Random Access Humor Page 11 November 1993 RADICAL_FEMINIST_HUMOR Msg. 4 From: Lynn To: Chris Reply to: 3 C> A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive womyn. Naturally, C> being the oppressor that he is, he doesn't even care if she has C> a mind. The pig. Anyway, he leans over to the bartender and C> makes some crude sexist remark about her, hah hah. The C> bartender, in accordance with the dogma, says something even C> cruder. They chortle to themselves in a typical display of C> tribal testosterone-induced stupidity. So the womyn pulls out C> some mace and gets them both in the eyes. :-) The womyn will now certainly fall into the hands of the male- dominated legal system. I fail to see the humor in that. * * * NOT_CONTROVERSIAL Msg. 566 From: Bob Hayward To: Sam Kriel Reply to: 554 SK> and all. I also think that breaking into someone's house and SK> robbing them blind is a bad thing. Oh, I agree. * * * CHARADES_TOURNAMENT Msg: 14304 From: Moderator To: Lyle Winston Reply to: 12002 LW> Okay, how about... LW> _______ LW> / | \ LW>| | | LW>| *-- | + "A greeting" LW>| | LW> \_______/ Lyle is HEREBY DISQUALIFIED. The answer was "Three O'Clock High." This makes 10,356 games disqualified now, folks. Can't anyone get this right? This is Charades, remember? NO WORDS AND NO DRAWINGS. * * * Random Access Humor Page 12 November 1993 ECHO_ACCIDENTAL_CROSSLINK Msg. 634 From: Moderator To: All BG> Weasels make fine pets. Turpentine? NTFG> Wha' the are youse talkin' 'bout? LW> Well, Mr. Moderator, what the heck am I SUPPOSED to do, then? BH> Oh, I'll agree with that also. C> Agree with WHAT? I don't find this pathetic game you're playing C> humorous in any way. VG> Yo! Is youse a babe? EAP> LW> Huh? Well, yes, this IS a pathetic game! LW> Turpentine won't bring out the luster as well as carrots. BH> Should I agree with that? L> Carrots? Humph! Typical phallic symbolism... WW> What is the HELL is going on here? {RAH} -------------- John J. Downey is the Sysop of Dome Ideas BBS (FidoNet 1:272/104) in Yonkers, NY. He works in a big, round, dark room with a thingee in the middle, and spends his off-hours whistling Pat Boone songs. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mental Pause by Shirley Smith I'm getting vain in my old age. They say you're only as old as you feel. Well, I feel like I'm still 19, so why can't I look like it? OK, you techno-wizards out there, invent a mirror that will do that and you can rule the world. (Are you listening, Industrial Smoke and Mirrors?) Say, for instance, that you have a computerized mirror with a dial so you have the option of looking any way you want. Hey, it works for Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead (uh oh, I just dated myself). Some possible selections could be: Hair -- anything but gray; Eyes -- non- spectacled; Chin -- one, please; dress size -- 9...OK, OK, make it a size 14. Just shut off those damned alarms. I hate a machine with no sense of humor. Anyway, if anyone ever comes up with such a mirror, I'll trade you my personal recipe for an oat bran wrinkle cream and flea repellent for one. I'll be at the Tuesday Weld Home for the Bewildered. Knock loudly. {RAH} -------------- Shirley Smith is a mainframe systems programmer who has the extreme misfortune of working with the editor of this rag. She lives in the wilderness of Northern Maryland with one husband and one dog. Random Access Humor Page 13 November 1993 The Big Aussie BBSCON '93 submitted by Chris Davidson (3:850/110) He stood before it, a clapped out weatherboard house in downtown Wooloomaloo.. the home of the Ferret, greatest Sysop in Australia second to none, and here he was afraid to enter. He had actually been here before to carry out repairs to the Ferret's vast array of computer equipment, but the thought of entering this place still filled him with dread.. 'Jeeesus, Charlie, he muttered to himself, pull ya'self together and get it over and done with, he is after all a human being... Though somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind he still had these niggling doubts. Tentatively, he tried to follow the footpath across what used to be the remnants of a front lawn, now about two feet high. He placed one foot gingerly upon the top steps of the verandah and heard the ominous creak and groan of timber that had not been subject to human weight for some time. He actually only fell through the rotted timber once, as he crossed the short expanse of the verandah to the front door. He raised his hand to knock when a disembodied voice emanated from the bowels of the house, 'Come in it ain't bloody locked.' The door protested violently as he pushed it inwards, it was very, very dark! In fact it was like entering a very dark cave, at the end of which he knew resided something that was reminiscent of something out of Tolkien's 'Lord of the Rings'. Very quietly, he proceeded down a dank, dark passage towards what appeared to be a door, from which emanated a strange greenish glow. As he pushed open this door it protested more loudly than its predecessor, as if to say 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here!' He entered what must have at one time been a very large room, only now its appearance was that it was a very small room, considering all the computer equipment housed therein. The floor was littered with cables of every description, along with copies of PC User, Aust PC User and PC Review, some dating back to the early 70's. Over in one corner, in front of a console sat the Ferret, madly pounding at a keyboard. 'Whad'ya want?' asked the Ferret.. 'I...I..errr, I came over to deliver a message from the local Zone co-ord for ya ta attend a conference', came Charlie's response in a not too comfortable voice. 'What sort of conference?' mumbled the Ferret. Random Access Humor Page 14 November 1993 'Well, ya see', Charlie went on, in the US they have these conferences for sysops, an we sorta got ta thinkin that mibbe we oughta have the same thing for all the Aussie sysops.' 'What ya mean all 900 hundred of us,.. ya tryin ta start a brawl or sumpin? 'Nah, nuthin like that, more like a sort of piss-up so we can all get ta know each other', he replied. 'It'll still end up in a brawl' muttered the Ferret. 'I remember the last local meetin we had, by 7:00pm we wuz all goin for each others throats, all over who had the best board'. 'Well this is different', Charlie said in a voice filled with conviction. 'So what have I gotta do'? A bit of flattery wouldn't go astray thought Charlie. 'Well, we sorta thought seein as how ya know so much about BBSing an stuff, ya might wanta act as the chairman.' 'Me! Me, be chairman for a bunch a drongo's who can't tell their arses from their elbows, they want me as chairman?' 'Yes!' came the reply, though now it wasn't so enthusiastic as it had been during the council meeting when the idea had first been mooted. 'What have I gotta do? 'Well, nuthin really, just sorta open the conference, say a few words about the Aussie BBS scene and where ya reckon it's headin'..' 'Grab a cup a coffee an fill me in,' said the ferret indicating what used to be a stainless steel sink. Charlie approached the sink and surveyed the damage, empty Pizza Hut cartons, six packs of Tooheys dark lager, the odd brightly covered carton from KFC filled with rotting chicken bones littered the place, it actually looked like the Sydney dump. He reached out his hand to grab a coffee cup from amongst the refuse only to snatch it back again as a pair of feelers, heaved themselves into view over its rim. Charlie eyed the cockroach and it eyed him, waving its feelers angrily about as if to say, 'sod off can't ya read, 'NO HAWKERS ALLOWED'. He decided to skip the offer of coffee and get on with the business at hand. 'Y'gotta come mate!, we'd be lost without ya.' 'Okay, Okay what have I gotta do?' came the response. Random Access Humor Page 15 November 1993 'Well your going to have ta have a bath and get a suit,' he said while looking for somewhere to hide. 'A bath, yer want me to have a bath do yez,' came the response. 'I suppose this is this some sorta lardy dah do yer all got in mind down at the local." 'Actually no!, its being held at the Sydney Convention centre next to the Travelodge Hotel. It's all inclusive!' 'Oooher!, well I'll be blowed the Travelodge, isn't that where they tried to blow up the Prime Minister durin the early '80's. I suppose I could attend as a sort of status symbol.' A suit, now where the hell do I get one of those....' the voice drifted off as its owner envisaged a scene of blackties 'n' tails... 'Ahhh, coupla more questions if yez don't mind', said the Ferret slyly. 'Who's attendin this shindig an when is it.? 'Well theres Robbo, an Trev an a whole lot of other blokes and sheilas from all over Australia comin an its on the 23rd of August.' 'Sheilas, no sheila I ever knew operated a BBS, they ain't got the brains.. came the retort'. 'Well Trev reckons there are some very interestin sheilas comin.' 'Yeah, well we'll see, okay count me in.' Come the 23rd, the foyer of the hotel was packed, sysops had come from near and far to attend this first ever occasion. And pride of place was taken by the Ferret resplendent in a suit rented from the local theatrical suppliers. Trev was suitably impressed, 'You did a good job gettin him here' he said, pointing at the Ferret and clapping a friendly hand on Charlie's shoulder. Charlie was also impressed, he had never seen the Ferret in daylight and the revelation of this doyen of the BBS's was incredible. That this small skinny man with glasses that looked like they had been cut from the end of milk bottles was the guru of all the bbs's was incredible, Christ he looked just like what he imagined Golom from Lord of the Rings might look like. At this present moment, Golom was in a very animated discussion with a mousy looking female, he looked extremely pleased with himself. 'Jeeesus, mate I hope ya crack it,' he thought to himself. He was not... that far from reality.... The Ferret was enjoying himself, he had actually met a sheila who knew something about computers, an modems, an data transfers, an the INTERNET. He was on top of the world, this was his type of woman! Random Access Humor Page 16 November 1993 As the night wore on, and kindred spirits found each other, the Ferret and his lady friend became more intoxicated. Eventually they found their way to the Ferret's room where they pledged their undying love for each other, and the lady, already heady from so much booze and BBSing bonhommie, cast her fate to the winds and promptly collapsed onto the bed. Somewhere in the dark recesses of the Ferrets brain, the primal desire for procreation raised its rather besotted head...and he stared at the fallen figure before him.. Now what was it he was supposed to do? Oh yeah, if the act of consummation was to take place then he would have to remove the ladies clothing.... The top part was easy, couple of buttons and the blouse came off in his hands. The bra was altogether different though..'Christ, why can't hey issue these things with a users manual he muttered drunkenly.' Finally the offending catch broke and the lady's breast burst free, like a couple of kids having just realized that school was over for the day. 'God!' was the only explanation that came to his mind at that moment. Next, he tackled the skirt and as it came away in his hands he saw a sight that impressed him no end.. The lady had an artificial leg....! It wasn't the fact that the leg was artificial that got him so much, as the type of leg it was. This was a something that you only saw in the Six Million Dollar Man TV series.....this was...a bionic leg! Gently he removed the leg from the woman's lower torso, this was a marvel of human engineering and computer technology. Its shape and texture was so incredible it looked for all intents and purposes like a real leg... As he fondled the leg, shifting it this way and that so that he could get more light on it, he noticed inside the stump cavity, a small black button. 'Wonder what this is for'? he thought. Moving to the centre of the room where the light was better he gently pressed the black button. A quiet hum emanated from the leg, then suddenly it burst apart showering parts of itself around the room. 'Bloody hell!,' screamed the Ferret. Right at that moment the damsel on the bed started to stir... Random Access Humor Page 17 November 1993 The Ferret scrambled madly around the room picking up pieces of the leg and tried to assemble it back together.. Nothing worked, nothing seemed to fit! And the body on the bed was becoming more and more restless...! The Ferret panicked and raced out of the room into the hotel corridor where he collided with a very drunk Charlie. 'Charlie, Charlie, ya gotta help me,' he cried. 'Wha, whasamatter?,' slurred Charlie. 'I gotta woman in me room an I got one of her legs apart an I can't get it back together,' screamed a now very hysterical Ferret. 'Listen mate! You don't know what trouble is,' Charlie sneered. 'I got a woman in my room with both legs apart an I can't even remember the flamin room number!' {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Comedy and Computing by Muffy Mandel Computers have been around for about fifty years, although they have only been common for the past ten years. Comedy has been around since about five minutes after man learned to communicate via the spoken word. But until quite recently humor and comedy were strangers to computing. This is not to say that programmers, engineers and operators weren't telling jokes about their computers and the programs that ran on them all this time. The problem was that most of the jokes were pretty lame. In almost every case you had to be there to appreciate the joke. Professional comics call these "inside jokes." During the past two years more and more professional comics and humorists have been turning their attentions to computers and the folks who work with them. The February 1992 issue of _ModemNews Magazine_ featured an article by Pulitzer Prize winning humorist Dave Barry. Beginning in June 1993, certain issues of the print magazine _Windows User_ have featured computer humor articles by renown comic Charles Fleischer. Fleischer is best known as the voice of cartoon star Roger Rabbit. Perhaps the least known attempt at bringing a little levity to computing is the series of books released by Integrated Insults Press, a division of Vaporware Communications. This series began last summer with the popular tome, _DOS for Drooling Dolts_. Ghost written by veteran standup curmudgeon Don Rickles, the series continued with such classics as, _Autocad for Airheads_, _Windows for Wimps_, _Harvard Graphics for Hockey Pucks_ and _Paradox for Pathetic Putzes_. The next volume, _Modeming for Mental Midgets_, is slated for publication in December 1993. Given the continuing popularity of computers, the future should see many more professional humorists jumping on the high-tech humor bandwagon. {RAH} Random Access Humor Page 18 November 1993 The 1993 Ig Nobel Prize Winners The winners of the 1993 Ig Nobel Prizes were announced in a ceremony held at MIT in Cambridge, MA on October 7, 1993. The Prizes honor individuals whose achievements cannot or should not be reproduced. The ceremony was produced, as usual, by The Journal of Irreproducible Results and The MIT Museum. Eleven Ig Nobel Prizes were given this year. The winners come from 16 different countries: Australia; Belgium; Canada; England; France; Germany; Ireland; Israel; Luxembourg; the Netherlands; New Zealand; the Philippines; Poland; Spain; Switzerland; and the United States. A number of dignitaries shared the podium at the ceremony, including Nobel Laureates William Lipscomb (Chemistry, 1976), and Sheldon Glashow (Physics, 1979); Professor emeritus Russell Johnson of Gilligan's Island; "Einstein's Dream" author Alan Lightman; Root canal therapy expert Philip Molloy of Tufts University Dental School, MIT economist Paul Krugman, and jazz harpist Deborah Henson- Conant. The new winners: PSYCHOLOGY John Mack of Harvard Medical School and David Jacobs of Temple University, mental visionaries, for their leaping conclusion that people who believe they were kidnapped by aliens from outer space, probably were -- and especially for their conclusion that, in Professor Jacobs's words, "the focus of the abduction is the production of children." [Both Mack and Jacobs have written and spoken extensively on the subject. A good introduction is the book "Secret Life," by David Jacobs with an introduction by John Mack, Simon and Schuster, New York, 1992.] CONSUMER ENGINEERING Ron Popeil, incessant inventor and perpetual pitchman of late night television, for redefining the industrial revolution with such devices as the Veg-O-Matic, the Pocket Fisherman, the Cap Snaffler, Mr. Microphone, and the Inside- the-Shell Egg Scrambler. BIOLOGY Paul Williams, Jr. of the Oregon State Health Division and Kenneth W. Newell of the Liverpool School of Tropical Medicine, bold biological detectives, for their pioneering study, "Salmonella Excretion in Joy-Riding Pigs." [The study was published in "The American Journal of Public Health," vol. 60, no. 5, May, 1970. Kenneth Newell died in March, 1990.] Random Access Humor Page 19 November 1993 ECONOMICS Ravi Batra of Southern Methodist University, shrewd economist and best-selling author of "The Great Depression of 1990" ($17.95) and "Surviving the Great Depression of 1990" ($18.95), for selling enough copies of his books to single-handedly prevent worldwide economic collapse. PEACE The Pepsi-Cola Company of the Phillipines, suppliers of sugary hopes and dreams, for sponsoring a contest to create a millionaire, and then announcing the wrong winning number, thereby inciting and uniting 800,000 riotously expectant winners, and bringing many warring factions together for the first time in their nation's history. VISIONARY TECHNOLOGY Presented jointly to Jay Schiffman of Farmington Hills, Michigan, crack inventor of AutoVision, an image projection device that makes it possible to drive a car and watch television at the same time, and to the Michigan state legislature, for making it legal to do so. [Michigan House Bill 4530, Public Act #55 was signed into law by the Governor on June 6, 1991.] CHEMISTRY James Campbell and Gaines Campbell of Lookout Mountain, Tennessee, dedicated deliverers of fragrance, for inventing scent strips, the odious method by which perfume is applied to magazine pages. [Additional historical information about the invention of scent strips can be obtained from the Campbells' former colleague, Ronald Versic, President of the Ronald P. Dodge Company in Dayton, OH.] SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT At the specific request of author #48 of the SLD high energy physics research group, the 1993 Ig Nobel Literature Prize is NOT being awarded to him and his 405 co-authors for their research paper, "First Measurement of the Left-Right Cross Section Asymmetry in Z Boson Production by e+ e- Collisions," Physical Review Letters, volume 70, number 17, April 26, 1993. LITERATURE Awarded jointly to E. Topol, R. Califf, F. Van de Werf, P. W. Armstrong, and their 972 co-authors, for publishing a medical research paper which has one hundred times as many authors as pages. [Source "An International Ramdomized Trial Comparing Four Thrombolytic Strategies for Acute Myocardial Infarction," The New England Journal of Medicine, volume 329, number 10, September 2, 1993, pages 673-682. The co-authors come from 15 different nations: Australia; Belgium; Canada; England; France; Germany; Ireland; Israel; Luxembourg; the Netherlands; New Zealand; Poland; Spain; Switzerland; and the United States.] Random Access Humor Page 20 November 1993 MATHEMATICS Robert Faid of Greenville, South Carolina, farsighted and faithful seer of statistics, for calculating the exact odds (8,606,091,751,882:1) that Mikhail Gorbachev is the Antichrist. [Faid's complete calculation is contained in the book "Gorbachev! Has the Real Antichrist Come?" published by Victory House, Tulsa, Oklahoma. The pertinent section of the book was reprinted in the January, 1989 issue of Harper's Magazine.] PHYSICS Louis Kervran of France, ardent admirer of alchemy, for his conclusion that the calcium in chickens' eggshells is created by a process of cold fusion. [For an English language version of Kervran's research see the book "Biological Transmutations, and their applications in chemistry, physics, biology, ecology, medicine, nutrition, agriculture, geology," by Louis Kervran, Swan House Publishing Co., 1972.] MEDICINE James F. Nolan, Thomas J. Stillwell, and John P. Sands, Jr., medical men of mercy, for their painstaking research report, "Acute Management of the Zipper-Entrapped Penis." [Nolan is Associate in Urology at the Guthrie Clinic in Sayre, PA. Stillwell is in private practice at North Urology, Ltd., in Robbinsdale, MN. Sands is Chairman of the Department of Urology, Naval Hospital, San Diego, CA. Their report was published in "The Journal of Emergency Medicine," vol. 8, 1990.] Press contacts for more information: Kathleen Thurston-Lighty, Assistant Director MIT Museum, 265 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA 02139 (617) 253-4422 ktl@mitvma.mit.edu Marc Abrahams, Editor The Journal of Irreproducible Results, P.O. Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 (617) 491-4437 jir@athena.mit.edu To subscribe to The Journal of Irreproducible Results: JIR, P.O. Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238 (800) 759-6102 of (617) 876-7000 {RAH} Random Access Humor Page 21 November 1993 Frump Enterprises Presents Wedding Belle The Most Tasteful Wedding Chapels in Nevada 5 locations to serve you Boulder City * at Hoover Dam - optional on lake or underwater services - get married on or inside the dam itself Lake Tahoe * at The Frump Colossus - optional on lake or underwater services - sail through service available - optional performance by the Frumpies at your ceremony Las Vegas * at Circus-Circus - you are married by a clown - water squirting boutonnieres - special RV park rates for your honeymoon * at The Frump Pyramid - Ancient Egyptian motif - drive through service available - optional performance by the Frumpies at your ceremony Stateline * at Whiskey Pete's - optional "on the monorail" services --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Twit Filter: The Rules Lawyer by Dave Bealer Human beings value the concept of personal freedom. At the same time, most of us recognize the need for some rules and regulations to keep others from infringing on our freedoms. Many of these rules embody the principle of "common sense." Rational people don't need to check the specific State or Federal statutes to see if murder, rape or robbery are allowed. We know automatically that they are not. Some rules and laws adopted by governments and organizations can't be explained by "common sense," or any rational measure. Since the average person cannot anticipate these rules, and will not commit to the study of the rules necessary to become aware of them all, they remain blissfully ignorant of these rules/laws. Ignorance may be bliss, especially in this case, at least until a rules lawyer comes along and causes trouble. Random Access Humor Page 22 November 1993 We all know that ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it, but even professional law enforcement types will steer clear of trying to enforce the sillier laws; at least until a rules lawyer comes along. The rules lawyer takes great delight in studying every wrinkle and nuance of the laws of an area or the bylaws of an organization. The goal is always the same, to use said laws/rules to his own advantage. Whether it be financial gain or power, the rules lawyer is always after something. Borrowed from role playing games, the concept of the rules lawyer transfers easily to the online world. Rules are necessary to avoid total online anarchy, although you can easily find people who will tell you that is exactly what we have. Avoid these folks, they are probably frustrated rules lawyers. There are hundreds of networks and thousands of online systems out there in cyberspace. Most of them have rules, ranging from two or three sentences that say, in essence, "try to work and play well with others," to dozens of pages of legalese. Very few of these sets of rules have actually been created by legal professionals. The longer the set of rules, the greater the chance that something silly has been incorporated. Frustrated rules lawyers, the ones who finally figured out that they weren't going to get the money or power they desired, despite all those years of poring over the rules, eventually settle for making the folks they perceive as having the desired power and wealth look silly. They also try to make as many other members of the society or organization miserable as is within their power. They accomplish these feats by invoking, or hiding behind, the most ridiculous rules they can find. The only thing more difficult that dealing with rules lawyers is actually trying to eliminate or modify the silly laws or rules that gave these sickos their power in the first place. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sound Byte: Q: Which one doesn't belong: Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, Bosnia A: Jupiter. It alone has a gaseous surface. All others are cratered wastelands completely inhospitable to life. (contributed by Mark Kaplinsky of New York, NY.) Random Access Humor Page 23 November 1993 A Sysop's Phone Bill !---! ! * ! Central Bell CURRENT BILLING: October 1993 !---! BASIC SERVICE..............................................123.35 ____________________________________________________________________ ACCESS TO INTERSTATE LONG DISTANCE .........................22.95 ACCESS TO INTRASTATE LONG DISTANCE .........................20.95 ACCESS TO ANY PHONE MORE THAN 3 BLOCKS AWAY ................19.28 ACCESS TO YOUR DIAL TONE ...................................13.66 ____________________________________________________________________ ! DO YOU OWN ! NO: MONTHLY EQUIPMENT RENTAL ..............36.25 YOUR PHONE? ! x YES: COMPENSATION FOR INCOME LOST ! TO PEOPLE OWNING THEIR PHONE ..........36.25 ______________!_____________________________________________________ TELEPHONE BOOK SURCHARGE @ .002 PER NAME IN THE BOOK .......21.37 LISTING YOUR OWN NAME IN THE PHONE BOOK .....................5.20 LISTING YOUR OWN NAME IN THE PHONE BOOK CORRECTLY ..........10.40 PHONE CORD FEE @ $1/FOOT ...................................14.00 FEE FOR THE DIGITS ON THE TELEPHONE ($1 FOR #1, $2 FOR #2, ETC) ............................45.00 ____________________________________________________________________ DIRECTORY ASSISTANCE @ $9/EA PLUS $7/EA FOR DISTURBING THE OPERATORS ......................32.00 SURCHARGE FOR THE RINGING OF YOUR PHONE ON EACH CALL @ 20c/RING ...........................23.60 SURCHARGE TO DEFRAY COSTS OF APPLYING TO THE PUC FOR NEW RATE HIKES ...........................14.88 OOPS! ALMOST FORGOT/CHARGES FOR THE PHONE CALLS THEMSELVES .............................242.96 ____________________________________________________________________ TOTAL CHARGES DUE ........653.13 ____________________________________________________________________ THANK YOU FOR DOING BUSINESS WITH US... BUT THEN WHAT CHOICE DO YOU HAVE? {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- RAH Needs A Logo! by Dave Bealer OK, your fearless editor has finally made a decision. Random Access Humor needs a logo. It would be a simple, although expensive, matter to hire a graphics designer to create one. It would be much more fun to have a logo design contest. This will allow the RAH readership to get involved, and maybe even win some prizes. Random Access Humor Page 24 November 1993 Unfortunately some limitations are necessary. The following are the rules: 1) RAH is an ASCII Text magazine, so the logo must be able to be drawn with the basic 128 ASCII characters. No IBM-PC "high ASCII" characters are allowed. This excludes all the fancy box drawing characters included in the MS-DOS character set. (Hey, nobody said this was going to be easy.) 2) A compact logo is preferred, but a larger one will be accepted if it really impresses us. The logo must not exceed the following dimensions: 60 characters wide x 10 lines high 3) It would be preferable if the logo was funny, but we will settle for a logo that expresses RAH's commitment to help make the world a better place for all personkind and... (Oops, sorry! I lapsed into my acceptance speech for the "Miss America" Pageant.) 4) All entries become the property of Dave Bealer. If you don't like it, fine. Vinnie has a new set of brass knuckles he's just dying to try out. 5) Entries must be submitted electronically. You can e-mail your logos to one of the following addresses: FidoNet> Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129 Internet> dbealer@clark.net The message title should indicate that it contains an entry for the RAH Logo Design Contest. If absolutely necessary, you can mail an MS-DOS formatted diskette containing your entry to: RAH Logo Design Contest, P.O. Box 595, Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Each entry must include a completed copy of the RAH Logo Design Contest entry form provided with this issue of RAH. Entries cannot be returned or acknowledged. 6) The contest will be judged by the RAH Publisher, Dave Bealer. His decisions in this contest will be final. (Why not, he's paying for the prizes out of his own pocket. What a weirdo! Notice how he even uses the royal "We" in this article.) 7) Entries will be accepted from October 1, 1993 until November 30, 1993. Entries must be received by 11:59 PM Eastern Standard Time on 11/30/93 to be eligible. 8) Void where prohibited by law. (Why anyone would prohibit it is beyond me. Go figure people.) Prizes: Grand Prize - Winner's Choice of $200 (US funds) or an external 14400 V.32bis FAX/Modem from a major U.S. vendor. Awarded to the designer of the logo chosen to represent Random Access Humor. (A winner from outside the U.S. or Canada may have to take the money because of enlightened U.S. technology export laws.) Random Access Humor Page 25 November 1993 - The name of the winning designer will be listed in the masthead of RAH (at least until the publisher gets tired of seeing it there.) Honorable - At least five logos (and as many as the miserly Mention publisher decides to spring for) will earn their designer a free copy of the sure-to-be-award-winning electronic book, _RAH Material: The Best of Random Access Humor, Vol. 0_. Winners will be announced in the January 1994 issue of RAH. The new logo will make its debut in that issue, as well. {RAH} - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - RAH Logo Design Contest Entry Form I, _________________________________, being of unsound mind, wish to enter the Random Access Humor Logo Design Contest. Address: ___________________________________________________________ City: ________________________________ State/Prov: _________________ Postal/Zip Code: ______________________ Country: ___________________ Electronic Address: ________________________________________________ In the extremely unlikely event that my logo is the winner, I would prefer the (Check one only): Cash ____ Modem ____ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Announcements and Observations Vaporware Corporation proudly announces its continued leadership in online publishing technology. You've heard of plain ASCII text and you've heard of hypertext. Now the wizards at Industrial Smoke and Mirrors Laboratories have come up with the first "scratch and sniff" protocol for electronic documents. A prototype follows: ___ ___....-----'---`-----....___ ========================================= ___`---..._______...---'___ (___) _|_|_|_ (___) \\____.-'_.---._`-.____// `~~~~`.__`---'__.'~~~~' ~~~~~ Instructions for use: take a hammer (a sledge hammer or carpenter's hammer will do) and firmly strike the CRT of your terminal/PC where it displays the prototype picture. As you pick pieces of glass out of your face and arms, you will note the smell of burning electrical components. This is an accurate reproduction of the smells that occur when a planet-sized hammer strikes a Galaxy class starship. Random Access Humor Page 26 November 1993 [All right, so this is "bash and sniff" technology, not "scratch and sniff" as we promised. Give us a break, this is just a prototype. We're working on it. - KPHH] WARNING: this is a prototype, and should only be used by qualified electricians. Vaporware Corp. and the Editor/Publisher of RAH assume no responsibility for any use or misuse of this new protocol. - - - The deadline for submissions for the December issue of RAH is November 24, 1993. {RAH} --------------------------------------------------------------------- --- Taglines Seen Around the Nets If a fish falls out of the sky, is it an act of cod? I thought about being born again, but my mother refused. I'm not young enough to know it ALL, like some people. For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. Next on Geraldo of Borg: brothers who assimilate sisters. I am Bjorn of Borg. Wimbledon is irrelevant. I am Koresh of Borg. Prepare to be immolated. I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be. I am McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated. That guy Ibid, he thinks he knows everything. The trouble with political jokes is they get elected. Conservative (n): Liberal who has been mugged. 668 - Neighbor of the Beast. 333 - Eric the half a beast. If his mind was a book the pages would be stapled shut. Fanaticism: redoubling your effort when your aim is forgotten. Honk if you haven't slept with Commander Riker. EXXON: greasing the coastline for smoother boating! Booze and math don't mix. Don't drink and derive. ...only the toner has been changed, to protect the printer. I like work. I can sit and look at it for hours. You can't fight City Hall. But you can burn it down. Random Access Humor Page 27 November 1993 AT&T Subspace: The next best thing to beaming there. Jesus saves, and only takes half damage. I bought some powdered water. What do I add? No sense being pessimistic, it wouldn't work anyway. Firmware: hardware that's starting to melt. To fix a fried modem: sautee some onion in olive oil... Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else. What do you mean my birth certificate expired? A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. Incorrigible punster - do not incorrige. 640K = 4480K in dog bytes. The truth is, Columbus discovered Ohio. I'm standing - and I can't fall down! 100% of people who breathe die. America's favorite whine: "It's not my fault!" I'll bet I don't have a gambling problem. Politicians always lie when their lips move. Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice - in the leather box. Modem addicts - call 1-900-BBS-USER (voice) for help. Power users - call 1-900-PENTIUM for a real thrill. Remember when explorers where politically correct? I don't care if I AM a lemming, I'm still not going! Random Access Humor Page A-1 November 1993 Random Access Humor Masthead: Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer Non-Contributing Editors: Greg Borek, Rob Novak, Ray Koziel Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis) BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST) Internet: dbealer@clark.net Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!) Random Access Humor c/o Dave Bealer P.O. Box 595 Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA Random Access Humor (RAH) is published monthly by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community. Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the publisher. Random Access Humor is Copyright 1993 Dave Bealer. All Rights Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non- commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette, CD-ROM or in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher. RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed in combination with any other publication or product. Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of their respective owners. Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS. Internet users may obtain RAH issues via anonymous FTP from : etext.archive.umich.edu Dir: pub/Zines/RAH nic.cic.net Dir: pub/nircomm/gopher/e-serials/alphabetic/r/rah Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail may also be sent via Internet to: dbealer@clark.net Random Access Humor Page A-2 November 1993 Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory extension. Your text should be less than 70 columns across for widest readability. If your article does not conform to these simple specs, it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail messages. It may not be possible to make private responses to any submissions or correspondence received. The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication, so keep it (mostly) clean. RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication: 1) Any material in the public domain. 2) Material for which you own the copyright. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the copyright holder. 3) Authorized agents for a copyright holder (typically an organization) may submit material on behalf of that holder. In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material, and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical name, date of previous publication. RAH Distribution System: (Sites bearing the designation will accept your contributions and forward them to the editors.) (All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.) The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual) SailNet> 53:5000/1129 Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP (RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue) Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP (RAH9302R.ZIP and later only) Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST Random Access Humor Page A-3 November 1993 RAH Gateway Systems: Pooh's Corner Fells Point, MD. Sysop: Mark Truelove FidoNet> 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 14400 (V.32bis) RBBSnet> 8:936/206 FilNet> 33:410/0 CandyNet> 42:1031/1 007LZ Southfield, MI. Sysop: Gary Groeller FidoNet> 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 14400 (V.32bis) W-Net_fts> 66:636/1 CrossNet> 73:400/0 SOGNet> 91:91/2 H*A*L Muskogee, OK. Sysop: Lloyd Hatley FidoNet> 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 14400 (V.32bis) RFNet> 73:102/1 RANet> 72:918/21 LuvNet> 77:101/1 DoorNet> 75:7918/205 The Shop Mail Only Flushing, NY. Sysop: Steve Matzura FidoNet> 1:2603/203 (718) 460-0201 14400 (V.32bis) ADAnet> 94:7180/1 JayNet> 17:99/100 WorldNet 62:4400/200 MusicNet.FTN> 88:8001/12 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 14400 (V.32bis) PodsNet> 93:9600/2 Abiogenesis Kansas City, MO. Sysop: Scott Lent FidoNet> 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 14400 (V.32bis) VirNet> 9:103/110 MailNet> 20:416/310 SuperNet> 43:1315/102 Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis) Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2 SoftCom Online Istanbul, Turkey Sysop: Tolga Yurderi FidoNet> 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 16800 (HST/Dual) GlobalNet> 52:9000/1 IntlNet> 57:90/1 HiTNeT> 102:1001/5 The Vision BBS Keflavik, Iceland Sysop: Jon Karlsson FidoNet> 2:391/20 354-2-14626 14400 (V.32bis) IceInet> 354:2/10 Incredible BBS Burleson, TX. Sysop: Don Teague FidoNet> 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 14400 (HST/Dual) USPolNet> 30:603/103 Worlds Imagined BBS Ormond Beach, FL. Sysop: Richard Miller FidoNet> 1:130/82 (904) 677-9562 14400 (V.32bis) USPolNet> 30:300/217 ITCnet> 85:881/756 VNET> @1904369 The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau, Germany Sysop: Bernd Hohmann FidoNet> 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 19200 (Z19) FidoClassic> 2:248/317 Gamesnet> 144:4906/153 BasNet> 255:1000/0 Random Access Humor Page A-4 November 1993 RAH Official Distribution Sites: -= AUSTRALIA =- Northern Territory Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis Victoria The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis -= BELGIUM =- Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis -= CANADA =- Ontario Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST -= GERMANY =- The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19 -= ICELAND =- The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis -= NETHERLANDS =- BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis -= PORTUGAL =- The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis -= SAUDI ARABIA =- MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis -= SLOVENIA =- R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis -= TURKEY =- SoftCom Online Istanbul 2:430/1 90-1-2572790 HST/Dual -= UNITED STATES =- Alabama J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis California InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32 Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual Random Access Humor Page A-5 November 1993 Connecticut ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis Florida Ruby's Joint Coral Gables (P&BNet) (305) 856-4857 V.32bis The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis Worlds Imagined BBS Ormond Beach 1:3623/10 (904) 677-9562 V.32bis Flamingo Ventures Pensacola 1:3612/320 (904) 478-7716 V.32bis Hawaii Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual Idaho Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis Illinois The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32 Indiana Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual Maryland Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32 The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32 The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual Michigan 007LZ Southfield 1:120/636 (313) 569-4454 V.32bis Mississippi Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis Missouri Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis New Mexico High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32 Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 HST New York The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual Computers & Dreams New York (NoFido) (212) 888-6565 V.32bis ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST North Carolina Fantasy Island Charlotte 1:379/29 (704) 365-8745 V.32 Random Access Humor Page A-6 November 1993 Ohio Village Online Yellow Springs 1:110/210 (513) 767-7896 V.32bis Oklahoma H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis Oregon Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32 Pennsylvania Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual Texas Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual Utah Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis Virginia Ship to Shore Arlington 1:109/185 (703) 525-1458 V.32bis Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual Washington Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis Wisconsin The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-0659 V.32bis ===================================================================== Although not official RAH distributors, the following large commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.) Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom) EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom) SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193 Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137