**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 206 TO 210*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "World Cup Toxic Custard" T O X I C * * * * * N u m b e r 2 0 6 C U S T A R D * * * ** * 4 t h J u l y 1 9 9 4 W O R K S H O P * * * * * b y D a n i e l B o w e n F I L E S * * * * * * * P r e t t y S a d , h u h ? TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 4 of A Monumental Number 539-525 BC Cyrus, king of Persia, makes himself master of Asia Minor, captures Babylon... and then gets told off by his mother for leaving all his clothes on the floor. He later founds the Persian empire and opens up carpet factories nationwide. (Well, they come from somewhere, you know.) 525 BC Cambyses, Cyrus's successor, conquers Egypt. In one famous incident, more than 500 of his soldiers all shit themselves simultaneously when they first spot the Sphinx. (Well, I probably would too if came across a giant stone cat sitting in the desert that I hadn't already seen on a postcard.) 510 BC After much debate, proposals for new flags, and generally making fun of the royal family, Rome becomes a republic. 490 BC Athens unsuccessfully tries to help Greek cities in Asia Minor revolt against their Persian overlords. When it is clear that they have failed, leaders in Athens overwhelmingly say "oops". Darius I of Persia lands a force in Greece to punish Athens, but they are beaten at Marathon. They just couldn't make the distance. 480 BC Xerxes makes a second attempt to crush Greece, but he doesn't have a large enough steam-roller, and so occupies Athens instead. But the Persian fleet is destroyed by salami. Destroyed by salami? What, huge sausages of salami that fall from the sky and sink the ships? The curse of the Delicatessen God is fulfilled!? Oh sorry, that should have been "destroyed at Salamis". 479 BC Persians defeated at Plaetaea. Not their decade, was it? 455 BC The Parthenon is proposed, but fails to get planning approval. 447-438 BC During Greece's "golden age", free of the Persian menace, the Parthenon is finally built. Protesters delay building, claiming it will ruin the landscape, be an eyesore, and all those other things that people protesting new buildings go on about. A riot between supporters of Ionic, Corinthian and Doric columns takes place. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I'm sure I've gone on about this before, but what future do our arts students have? What jobs can they possibly hope to find? Well, there's good news. We at Toxic Custard, after much hunting, have found several ads that prove that the job market for arts graduates isn't limited to "fries with that?" and washing car windows. - Poet. Salary $40 below poverty line. Must have own beret. - Several busking positions available. Talent not necessary. - Newspaper distribution. Must be able to stand on street corners and look alternative. Apply to "Green Left Anti-Evil-Capitalist Minority Weekly" - Artist wanted for rooftop impressionist workshop. Must live in a Bohemian suburb or drive own Volkswagen. Tie-dyed smock preferable. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - French soldiers have recently arrived in Rwanda on a humanitarian mission. It took quite a while to explain to them why there weren't any Greenpeace ships in the area. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The World Cup continues unabated, with regular news footage of worship of the Maradona, goal kickers in alarmingly close embraces with team-mates, and Germans (the previous winners) singing "Ve are ze champions of das Wurld!" But it's only once you actually try and play soccer that you appreciate how hard it is to play. It's actually quite tricky to kick a soccer ball accurately. There are many factors that prevent you kicking the ball at all. For one thing, it's midway through the attempted kick when you realise that your leg is not quite long enough. Alternatively, when the ball is up to devious activities, it will often decide to change direction in flight, thus avoiding your foot altogether. The other phenomenon is where it seems like you managed to get your foot onto the ball, but you've missed it entirely, due to either (a) a soccer ball-sized hole in your foot, or (b) a temporal distortion of the space-time continuum which causes your foot and the ball to be on different physical planes at the instant of expected impact. All this can make you look rather foolish, you understand. To onlookers, it looks just like some uncoordinated oaf completely failing to have any skill whatsoever. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The music world doesn't seem to be particularly inspiring at the moment, but what a contrast it must be in the rock'n'roll afterlife. Imagine a supergroup in Heaven... John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, with Keith Moon on drums, and maybe Jim Morrison... Now that would truly be a concert ticket to die for. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And so, the end is near It's time to end another Custard And then, to send a flame To that stupid author bustard But if per chance you'd like To view all the great back-issues Write a request for their details And send it myyyyy way ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Irresponsibility for Toxic Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| Custard is taken by Daniel Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Bowen, Hawthorn, Melbourne. TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Duelling Toxic Custards" Before we get started, yes, it's true, I was on the telly last week. But since they didn't even plug TCWF, they're not getting any more mention, okay?! 2072 2 7 072 7 07207 0 2 7207 toxic custard 207207 072 7207 072 7 07207207207 0 20 2072 7207 workshop files 207207 072 7207 072 7 207207 0 20 2072 7207 number 207 207207 072 7207 0 2 7 07207207 0720 20 207 07207 11th july 1994 207207 072 7 7 07207207 0 207 07207 by d.f. bowen* *I'm going for the k.d.lang look. I'm not sure why. TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 5 of A Monumental Number 431-404 BC Athens and Sparta have a battle, but the generals are so drunk when it comes to naming the war that when someone suggests 'Peloponnesian War' they all agree thoroughly, and shout from the rooftops that it is not only a great name for the war, it's the *only* possible name for it. That any other name for it would be a crime. The war ends with the capture of Athens. 390 BC Gauls capture Rome using some super-strength magic potion their druid made for them. The Romans regain the city by paying a huge ransom, including 250 crucifixes, a dozen discounted aqueducts and free plumbing for a year. 359 BC Philip becomes king of Macedonia (I wonder if that's the Greek one or the Slav one?) He sets to make himself overlord of quarrelsome Greek cities. ("My streets are wider than yours!" "Are not!" "Are too!" "Well at least my river doesn't smell!" "Ooh! You take that back!") 338 BC Philip defeats combined armies of Athens and Thebes and becomes master of Greece. His catchcry is "Take a closer look", and before long he has many Greek cities producing discount consumer electronics. 336 BC Philip assassinated. After Lee Harvos Oswaldopoulos is arrested for the assassination, the third slingshot theory is ruled out. Philip is succeeded by his son, Alexander the Gratefuldead. 333 BC Alexander walks all over Darius III of Persia and strolls into Egypt, where he founds Alexandria. City planners begin planning their bid for the Seventh Wonder Of The World, basing it around a lighthouse motif. I can't see it working nowadays. 327 BC Alexander extends his empire as far as the Indus. He proceeds to show-off enormously, proclaiming "hey girls, look at the size of my empire!" 323 BC Alexander dies; the empire crumbles like a set of dominoes being decapitated by an axe-wielding lunatic in an earthquake. It is divided among his generals, who hang it upside down for a couple of days, and then cook it for lunch. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - To further aid you on the road to cleanliness, we present DANIEL'S GUIDE TO HAVING A SHOWER 1. You need to find a shower. Any location where water falls freely will do, but most often it will involve plumbing of some sort, to ensure that the water falls at a suitable time, and in a predetermined and enclosed location. 2. Commonly people will remove their clothes before entering the running shower. This should not be seen as an iron-cast rule, but merely as a suggestion. After all, if you really want to take a steaming hot shower dressed in a clown's outfit and wielding a meat-cleaver, who is going to stop you? Not me, certainly. Those wishing to bathe naked will probably prefer a private location, unless they're really into exhibitionism. 3. After entering the shower, careful adjustment of the water will need to be made, using the taps provided. Of course, compensation will need to be made for the water demons. The water demons have specific roles when it comes to showers. It is their job to alter and vary the water pressure and temperature as widely as possible while you're trying to take a shower. This explains why in between the screams, most people hear a muffled laughing every time they get frozen/scalded in the shower. 4. Having obtained a reasonably hot shower, and water pressure that is sufficient to cleanse, yet not so hard that you'll be drowned or washed away in it, the actual cleaning can commence. You can find many cleaning products in your local shop or supermarket, but note that it may be easier to obtain these *before* you get in the shower. (Hmm.. maybe this step should have been first.) You can wipe the various parts of your disgusting body down with the soap/shampoo/ green sludge/odd ointment/whatever you prefer. You may then wish to rinse the various parts after this, to avoid smelling like a soap factory for the rest of the day. 5. Next is the tricky bit. The key here is speed. Your mission: To turn off the taps, leap out of the shower, and find something warm to either wrap yourself in or bask next to, before you freeze to the point of frost-bite. It's about now that you usually end up dashing around the house completely starkers, trying to find clean towels. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Australia Post has taken a leaf out of the world of electronic mail, and produced a device that will not only sort 40,000 letters an hour, but will also take one in every hundred letters and store them out of harm's way for 6-8 weeks before sending them on their way. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ANOTHER COMPUTER SHOW Good evening, and welcome to Another Computer Show. Yes, we're the latest to jump on the Information Supercliche bandwagon and naturally we'll be taking you on a journey into the distant future, by looking at the technology that's around today. Our computer expert, Gareth Trowel, will be explaining things in a way that is just as baffling for beginners as it is annoying for experts. And we'll look at some of the wacky characters roaming the Internet, but totally fail to tell you how to gain access yourself. Ten years ago, who would have believed that 'Beyond 2000' would still be on the air? Not our producer, obviously, or we'd have got this show much earlier. We may not be as well paid as Iain Finlay or Carmel Travers, but let's just see how many technological cliches I can drop in one sentence. In the near future, while robots controlled by laser do the housework, and we watch interactive TV coming to us by the fibre-optic cable of the Information Superhighway, will the information society that we have become be under threat of invasions of privacy from hidden security cameras and modified photographic evidence, or perhaps hackers infiltrating gigantic mega-databases? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm sure you're all fully aware that I'm about to write here that back-issues of Toxic Custard are now available by ftp or on WWW. So you'll also know that you can email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Daniel wishes to make it clear Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| that he, and he alone, is Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| responsible for Toxic Custard. TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| Not Telecom. Not MIT. Just him. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "HB Toxic Custard" _______ ________ ________ T \ O / X \ I / \ C C _____U/ S | T | A \R_______/ D W / O R | K S| H / O \ P F /_________ I \____L___/ E \________/ S TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 6 of an Extremely Large Pile 280 BC Pyrrus and the Greeks get together to kick some Roman butt. 275 BC Rome defeats Pyrrus, and becomes mistress of southern Italy. (What the WHOLE of southern Italy?! All at once? I hope Rome was careful, and took precautions against nasty diseases. Nowadays, Rome would probably shun all that unrestrained... stuff) 264 BC First Punic War between Rome and Carthage for control of Sicily. Excuse me? "Punic" War?! Who on earth came up with that? I'd expect something at least a little butch. Perhaps the "War Of All Eternity", or the "Vicious Bastard Knife In The Guts And Sword Through The Jugular War". But "Punic"?? 260-256 BC The Romans continue to battle their way around Italy, ignoring the protests of Carthaginian hippies, who declare the whole concept of conquest to be really uncool, and the city of Rome to be bad vibesville. 246 BC Great Wall of China built. Unfortunately, due to its length, it is impossible to guard it, and before too long Mongol graffitists have decorated most of their side. I wonder if Hadrian had that problem? Footnote: If you're wondering, this history is adapted from a copy of Pears Junior Encyclopaedia. With love to David from Uncle Wally + Auntie Joan, Xmas 1961. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The simple pencil. Drawing object, or deadly weapon? That's a question being posed after the stabbing of Mr Fred Walrusdropping with a HB whilst on his way back from the 7-11. Investigations by police show that the assailant had been recently released from mental care, but had been able to buy a pencil sharpener without the need for a license or even a waiting period. But while the police have denied any evidence of the second pencil theory, pencil control advocates have called for restrictions. But restrictions have been opposed, not the least by the National Pencil Association. NPA spokesman Ron Staedler has repeatedly called for more liberal use of pencils throughout the community. "Every man, woman and child has the right and the duty to use a pencil", he said. Other items of stationery have also been under scrutiny. Recent attacks have used staplers, rulers, and even textas. So... beware when looking for the scissors. It could be a trap! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 11 ==================== (Ron is watching cartoons.) JEFF: Those cartoons challenging your mind, then? RON: Yeah thanks, great. JEFF: You know, if someone had asked me ten years ago, where I would be... do you know what I'd have said? RON: But I did ask you that ten years ago. JEFF: Yeah. And do you know what I said? RON: You said "Christ knows." JEFF: No, actually I said... RON: You said "what a fucking stupid question." (Jeff is silent for a few seconds.) JEFF: What I would have said if I'd taken the time and trouble to formulate an intelligent answer... is that I hoped that I would be studying the finer art of the great European capitals... taking in the culture of the world... breathing in the air of the Swiss alps... walking down the streets of Venice... RON: Doesn't sound all that great to me. (Jeff looks around at the filthy flat. Ron lies stomach first on the floor, munching biscuits and watching cartoons. Jeff looks out of the window.) JEFF: What's that? RON: What? JEFF: Out there. Looks like some kind of time gate. RON: What? JEFF: Yeah, a kind of shimmering blue light... RON: You're kidding... JEFF: It's about ten foot square, a big wobbling light blue light... and inside the light I can just make out... it looks like sand dunes... but it's very murky... The light is getting brighter... It's moving... It's coming towards us... it's coming towards the house.... arrgrghhh!!! RON: Shit! (Ron leaps behind the couch and hides. Jeff goes to the TV and changes the channel, then sits back down on the couch.) JEFF: Sucked in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And quite right too. Back-issues of Toxic Custard are now available by ftp or on WWW... send email to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Written and typed by Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| Daniel Bowen, Hawthorn, Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Melbourne. No responsibility TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| is taken by anyone else. Congratulations to Brazil for winning the World Cup. And I hope the Italian Mafia don't treat their losing soccer team-members like the Columbian cartels treat theirs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Computerised Toxic Custard" T O X I C ____ ____ ____ C U S T A R D ____| | | |____| 25th July 1994 W O R K S H O P |____ |____| ____| by Daniel Bowen F I L E S TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 7 of an Shitload 241 BC Carthage loses Sicily, and fails to find it at the Lost Property Office, despite leaving a name-tag on it. 238 BC Carthage sets out to create new empire in Spain. Their leaders strive, but fail, to make up a better name for a war than "Punic". But it does leave scope for authors over 2200 years later to make jokes about battles involving clothing to be called the Tunic Wars. 225 BC The Gauls and the Romans get into a tiff, the Gauls returning home with their (figurative) tails between their (collective) legs. Rome extends the frontiers northwards, now controlling all of Italy. 219 BC Second Punic War. An accident-prone 26-year old Carthaginian general, known as Hannibal to his friends, strolls into Italy. (Note that courses on ancient history inevitably include Hannibal Lectures.) 217 BC Hannibal destroys a Roman army at Lake Trasimene. Oops. 216 BC Hannibal destroys a second Roman army at Cannae. Oops again. Told you he was accident-prone. The Romans demand that he pay for the damage before leaving. 210-206 BC A Roman army that has managed to keep out of Hannibal's way conquers Spain with a bullet, going to the top of the Warriors' charts in less than three weeks. 204 BC The Romans continue their world tour, crossing from Spain to Africa in a triumphant wave of publicity. Fourteen Roman generals are tipped to win in the annual Kablammy Awards for excellence in war, invasion, destruction and persecution. 202-201 BC Hannibal returns to Africa to save Carthage, but is defeated at Zama. Hannibal drops from the Top 10 of the Warriors charts, which for another four hundred years will be dominated by Romans. Carthage surrenders and hands Spain over to Rome. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 12 ==================== (Jeff waits for Ron outside a building. Ron comes out and they start walking.) JEFF: Well? So? How'd you do? RON: Oh, good thanks. And you? JEFF: No no.. your interview. Your job interview. RON: What job interview? JEFF: Hold on, hold on, hold on. An hour ago you walked into that building there. That one. And you went up to the forty- seventh floor for a job interview. RON: Oh yeah! So that's why I was there. JEFF: You mean to tell me you went all the way up into the clouds in an express elevator, made your way through a maze of corridors, waited for what seemed like an eternity, staring at the ceiling, and trying to avoid making eye contact with anyone else there... finally got called into a little room and sat down in the corner chair, ready to be grilled by some ruthless personnel officer... and you couldn't remember why you were there?! RON: My mind went blank. JEFF: It often does. You know what this means? This is terrible. It means we have to keep living on the meagre hand-outs from Messrs Social & Security. RON: Well why don't you get a job? JEFF: I suppose you think that's funny. Let me remind you of one thing: I do *not* work. Never have. Never will. I come from a great line of dole-bludgers, going right back to the middle-ages when Geoffrey the Lazy-bastard first asked the local baron for a handout. And I hope you're not asking me to break with seven hundred years of family tradition. You think I got an Arts' degree for nothing? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DANIEL'S (very brief) GUIDE TO USING THE COMPUTER 1. Remember who's boss. Every time it beeps at you, or gives you an error message, just look it in the monitor and remember how important you are compared to your computer. Remember that you have the chance to do so much more than your computer can ever do. To run through the meadows, to smell the flowers, to eat chocolate, to have sex... Try to forget that it can add up a fifty page spreadsheet in a matter of seconds. Remember, humans *told* it to do that. Humans *are* smarter than computers, or at least, some of us are. On good days. 2. The old Vic 20 manuals used to say that it is impossible to hurt the computer, no matter what you type. It's true. You cannot hurt the computer, even by typing "sod off you fucking computer, you're nothing but a bunch of useless wires". If you really want to hurt the computer, you can make use of an axe, a shotgun, you can simply throw it from a ninth floor window. What you *can* do by typing is to delete all your work, delete all of your friends' work, set up a print job that goes until infinity, send an email picture of a penis to your boss, or write crap like this. 3. Don't plug things in or pull them out while the computer's on, unless it's someone else's computer, and it doesn't matter if you risk damaging it. (This may require that the someone else is not a seven foot sumo-wrestling computer-loving homicidal maniac with a penchant for machetes.) 4. Don't take out a floppy disk while the drive is going. This is a very unreliable way to destroy a disk. A much more reliable method is to fold them in half, set fire to them, then run them over with a steamroller. You can also shut them in the lock of a closing door, simply cut them up with shears, or scrape a chisel over the disk's surface. 5. Since it's now just about impossible to burn in an image on most modern monitors, the best way to burn them in is using a flame- thrower. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Back-issues. We got 'em, you want 'em. Well, maybe you do. If you do then just email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu and details will arrive on your doorstep forthwith. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| This has been a product Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| of Daniel's mind - nobody Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| else's. Daniel's shrink TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| takes all responsibility. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Airmail Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ______ _____ 1st August 1994 ______|| || || || Written by Daniel Bowen ||______ || ||_____|| -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 8 of a Monumental Amount 166 BC Tartar invasion of China. China retaliates, sending in forces under the command of Mayonnaise, HP Sauce and Ketchup. 149 BC Third Punic War. Rome resolves to destroy Carthage. So have you noticed a running theme in these history things? War. So-and-so invades whoever. Whatsername annhilates the other dudes. I get the feeling that either (a) people back then weren't terribly nice, (b) that they hadn't heard of the old world order, let alone the *new* one, or (c) the wars were the only thing the historians could be bothered writing down. 146 BC Carthage destroyed. All right, who did that? We're not going to continue with history until whoever destroyed Carthage owns up. We'll be here all day if necessary. . . . . Ah, so it was the Romans, was it? Go and stand in the corner. That wasn't a nice thing to do, was it? One more stunt like that, and you Romans will be removed from History early without any dinner. 102 BC Marius drives back invading German tribes, refusing to buy their luxury chariots. 91 BC Revolt of Italian cities belonging to Rome but with no say in government. Oh come on Rome - be nice! Let them join in the democracy! You won't get dessert if you don't begin political reform! 89 BC All Italians become Roman citizens. All right! At last they get to go to the circus and be in the audience, rather than the lion-food. Mind you - it's a shame for the lions. Myself, I love Italian. 88-86 BC Marius and Sulla have a bit of a tiff. Marius runs away to Africa. Sulla nips off to Greece for a quick fighting holiday, and Marius gets back with a suntan and grabs power. But then Marius dies. Bummer. 82 BC Sulla arrives back, also with a tan, massacres his enemies, and becomes dictator. Doesn't sound like a very agreeable person. 78 BC Sulla dies. Marius would be dancing on his grave, if Marius hadn't died eight years earlier. But of course, this is a minor consideration. In fact, it's not recorded (at least, not here) whether or not Marius' ghost dances on Sulla's grave. Or even if Sulla has a grave. Perhaps he is taken by aliens, or is thrown into a bog. Who can tell? Not me, sitting 2000 years later typing this. 73 BC Following a breakdown in negotiations, Spartacus leads revolt of 60,000 members of the Federated Slaves Union. 71-70 BC Crassus crushes Spartacus revolt with a 20 ton weight. Crassus and Pompey reduce the power of the Senate. 66-62 BC Pompey captures Jerusalem, conquers Syria and advances to the Euphrates. Busy bloke. "All right lads, that's Syria done... c'mon, it's only lunchtime.. time to invade another continent!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DANIEL'S GUIDE OF THINGS TO DO WHILE WAITING TO MEET SOMEONE AT THE AIRPORT Planes arrive late. For some reason, those in charge of planes (ie pilots) sometimes do very silly things, like fail to load enough fuel to quite make the distance, go via Fiji because of turbulence, forget about and overshoot Hawaii, accidentally take a wrong turning at Auckland, or even happily land in Austria before realising they're over the wrong continent. Face it, you're gonna need something to do while you wait. 1. Luckily, there's usually lots to do in airports. Like give uncomfortability ratings to all the chairs in the various waiting areas. Watch the soapies on the TVs. Try to work out how many ratings points for these shows are attributable to people waiting in airports. 2. Wonder when it was that those armed guards actually tackled anyone armed with anything more threatening that a glass of lemonade. Test them out by setting off a firework. 3. Ask everyone you see where they're going to, and see if any of them admit that "yeah, we're off on one of them Thai sex tours..." 4. Ring the airline arrival hotline that you should have rang before you actually left to go to the airport. See who can guess the arrival time down to the nearest hour. 5. Go up to the observation deck and see if you can spot any planes touching wings in mid-flight. See how long it takes to freeze up there, before giving up and going back down to the cafeteria for a hot drink and a view at the window that's just as good. 6. Pretend to be a disgruntled tourist balking at the $25 departure tax. "You mean it already cost me thousands of dollars to set foot in this godforsaken country of yours and you wanna charge me to leave?!?" 7. Take along your electronics kit and see if you can pick up (and interfere with) control tower broadcasts. 8. Hang around International Arrivals with a sign saying "Dr U. G. Koorier". 9. Compare how many different types of condoms and travellers' kits are in the machines in each toilet. 10. Sneak into the airport offices, get hold of a PA microphone and make a "We regret to inform you that flight XXX has plummeted out of the sky and ummm... well, let's just say I hope your relatives can swim..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Right, that's it. We're taking Toxic Custard off the air until next week. In the meantime, you can get back- issues by ftp, can't you. Yes. Details are available from tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Toxic Custard. Made entirely from Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| the purest brain-fed ramblings Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| of Daniel. No artificial work- TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| related additives or opinions. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and other back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu