**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 211 TO 215*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "Alarming Toxic Custard" ***#####*::####:/#///#/-#####-+####++|##||\##\\\\ Toxic Custard *****#***:#:::::/#///#/-#-----+++++#+||#||\\#\\\\ Workshop Files *****#***:#:::::/#/#/#/-####--++###++||#||\\#\\\\ *****#***:#:::::/#/#/#/-#-----+#+++++||#||\\#\\\\ Number 211 *****#***::####://#/#//-#-----+#####+|###|\###\\\ August 8th 1994 TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 9 of Quite A Big Number 60 BC Pompey, Crassus and Caesar divide Rome's government between them, forming a Triumvirate, even though none of them can work out what it means. Caesar begins conquest of Gaul. Peter Arnett of the Caesarian News Network, in Gaul when the conquest begins, asks Caesar why it is taking place. Caesar replies, saying something in Latin, which Arnett can't understand. 53 BC The Triumvirate Baseball game begins. Crassus defeated and killed by Parthians. Strike one! 51 BC Caesar completes conquest of Gaul. Peter Arnett leaves in disgust, and decides to go to Baghdad and wait for something to happen there. 49-48 BC Caesar sneaks up on Pompey, who escapes to Egypt and is murdered. Strike two! 44 BC Caesar is murdered. Et tu Brute an' all that. Strike three! 43 BC Octavian, Caesar's nephew, Antony and Lepidus form Second Triumvirate, despite still nobody knowing what it means. Octavian ignores all the laughter about his name. 42 BC Octavian and Antony defeat Brutus and Cassius, chief plotters against Caesar. Octavian rules Rome's west, while Antony rules the east, and gets it on with Cleopatra. Octavian continues to ignore the jibes about his name. 31 BC Octavian defeats Antony and Cleopatra at Actium, after he hears that Antony said his name sounded poofy. 30 BC Deaths of Antony and Cleopatra. Meanwhile, Octavian finally gets hold of a very early draft of the dictionary, and learns to his disappointment that Triumvirate has nothing to do with virility or bizarre sexual practices. Oh well. 27 BC Octavian finally gives in to pressure, and changes his name to Augustus. Oh, and he becomes the first Roman Emperor. And manages to get a month named after him. Not bad for a Thursday. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Alarm clocks hate me. And to show how much they hate me, they do three things: (a) while I'm trying to set the alarm time on the clock, it will uncontrollably and unpredictably skip past the precise time I want, forcing me to hold down the buttons for another "24 hours" (b) it might wake me up at the time that I last night told it to wake me up at (which is about three hours than the time I would *now* like it to wake me up) or (c) it decides not to wake me up at all, and by the time I fall out of bed I discover that I should have been at work five hours ago. The problem then, is this: It's very hard to revenge the things that alarm clocks do. You can't throttle them because they have no neck. They have a face, yes, but no neck. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Failed business tycoon Christopher Skase is still battling extradition from Spain to face trial in Australia, claiming illness. But he doesn't seem to be attracting much sympathy. Why? Because he's taken in exile in Majorca, that's why! It's not exactly a case of "awww... poor Skasey... down and out... penniless... sunning himself on the beach in Majorca... leave him alone..." Instead it's "Bring him back to face the music! Ill and he can't fly? No hurry then - put him on a boat!" Obviously he should have gone somewhere like Rwanda. Then it'd be "Good old Chris, helping the starving masses... leave him be! Stop hounding the man!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - PARLIAMENT HIGHLIGHTS Would the honourable member for Fuzzlewoddock care to elaborate on the very poor knock-knock joke that he was seen telling on last night's "A Current Affair" and explain why the Australian public shouldn't expect our leaders in government to relate better gags? I refer the House to my meat and two veg joke of November 23rd 1989, which am I'm sure the honourable member would recall was a real pisser. And furthermore, I would name the honourable member for Argghhhhhhnort as someone who, along with the bulk of the Opposition, seems unable to tell the simplest riddle even in the prime joke-telling environment of the parliamentary bar at 2am when even Senator Bishop is completely blotto. In that case would the honourable member for Fuzzlewoddock care to listen to the following joke, which I'm sure will show that we in Opposition are dedicated to providing the taxpayers of this country with the most amusing jokes. It goes like this... "My wife's gone to the West Indies..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard is over for another week, thank goodness. If you're the kind of sadomasochist that would like to see some old ones, then the more fool you. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Telecom don't pay me to write Toxic Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| Custard. That's why I write it at home. Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Oh, and blah blah my opinions only, TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| blah blah the usual disclaimer stuff ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Custard burnt at the stake" TTTTT CCCC W W FFFF 2222 1 2222 Toxic Custard Workshop Files T C W W F 2 1 2 Number 212 - 15th August 1994 T C W W W FFFF 2222 1 2222 written by Daniel Bowen T C W W W F 2 1 2 TCWF - 4 years old on 13th August --T---CCCC-WWWWW-F----2222-1-2222----------------------------------- TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 10 of Quite An Almost Limitless Amount 4 BC True birthdate of Jesus. So, let me get this straight. Jesus Christ was born 4 years before himself. Is this the result of some sort of miscalculation on someone's part, or an unusual time distortion? 0 All the calendars change from BC to AD, which must have been very confusing for the people around at the time. I'm glad I wasn't around then. Not only would it mean that I would be dead now, but heck, even Daylight Saving confuses me. 5 AD Jesus taught water-walking by a travelling entertainer. 14 Augustus dies. The Romans begin advertising in all the fashionable journals for a replacement. "Emperor wanted. Preferably mad. Must look good in a laurel wreath and have own toga." 30 Jesus crucified, followed by the biggest certified magic trick in history. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I know the Christians will probably burn me alive for this, but I'm tempted to ask anyway - how do we really know that the Bible is accurate? For all we know, it could have been made up by the Dark Ages equivalent of Barbara Cartland. It's a similar formula to today's novels. Some killing, lots of begatting, the traitor in the second-last scene... all set in a backdrop of the Roman occupation... Come to think of it, Barbara Cartland *does* look quite old... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The Swiss goverment plan to donate to the United States a new tribute to the years of teenage angst that we all go through.. the arguments with parents, the acne, the pressures of homework. It will be located in New York, and named The Statue Of Puberty. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 13 ==================== JEFF: What do you think about this Schumaker-Levy thing then? RON: I think it's great. I think it's fantastic that they're introducing a levy to support our local shoe industry. You know, I bought some shoes the other day that... JEFF: Hold on, wait, whoa. Schumaker-Levy is not a local industry support scheme. It's a comet that's exploding into Jupiter. RON: Oh. Ah. Well, in that case, it's good that for once the astromoners have something to look at other than a few thousand stationary dots. JEFF: Yeah, but... RON: I know, I know, they get eclipses to watch every few years. But they can't actually *look* at them, can they, 'cos they're wossname, they're masturbatory; they send you blind. Anyway, eclipses are all the bloody same, aren't they. It's never a surprise what happens. Sun. Moon. Moon moves in front of Sun. Darkness. Moon moves out of Sun's way. Darkness ends. Sun shines again. Moon buggers off back to its own orbit. Big deal! JEFF: Well, maybe you'd be a little more interested in all this if you lived on Jupiter. RON: Hmmmm, that's a thought. Any idea what the dole rates are like there? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THIS has been another one of those very silly Toxic Custard things. And I'm very much afraid to tell you that there's another two hundred and eleven of these things floating around various ftp sites. Where? Well, email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Toxic Custard is brought to you Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| by me. Just me. Only me. The opinions Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| of no other persons or organisations TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| are included in its production. Would you care for a drink - if it was, like, disabled, and you had to look after it? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Interfering Toxic Custard" T C W F -------. -. -------. Toxic Custard Workshop Files ,-------' | -------| Number 213 - 22nd August 1994 `-------- | -------' Written by Daniel Bowen in the spare room TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 11 Of One Of The Largest Amounts I Can Think Of 43 AD Emperor Claudius sends force to conquer Britain, just so he can have somewhere to go to the beach and be miserably cold and wet. Claudius decides he will make Britain the most fashionable of all the Roman colonies, and packs several million togas for the Britons. The South is soon subdued into wearing them, despite resistance from Caractacus (who *really* doesn't like togas). He is captured and sent to Rome in chains and a toga. The Romans work their way northwards. 61 Boadicea, queen of the Iceni, decides togas suck, and revolts against the Romans, burning their tailor shop in London. But her army is annihilated and she takes poison just as a Roman legion arrives over the hill with a toga with her name on it. 68 Nero, last emperor of the house of Augustus, begins to realise what a grave mistake the Toga Invasion of Britain was. Not for the waste of resources, or the cruelty of enslaving an entire nation, but because the togas are flared. He commits suicide. 70 Emperor Titus captures and destroys Jerusalem, driving the Jews from the Holy Land with threats of enforced flared toga-wearing. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - GOING TO A SHOW First you need to book your ticket/s. Booking for a show is a concept invented by people who like being organised. These are the people who don't believe in the concept of the masses spontaneously deciding to turn up to see X perform, and just rolling up to the venue and seating themselves. No. The people who invented venue booking like the idea of you deciding exactly what you're going to do on a particular Tuesday night several decades in advance. They also like slotting every person that attends that venue into the worst seat possible. Have you ever noticed that no matter how shitty the seats that the ticket seller is selling you, they never apologise? You are guaranteed never ever to hear them say "Yes, we have these two seats, located forty-seven kilometres from the stage, and with only the merest hint of a view from behind a concrete wall, and oh my God, I'm so sorry we can't offer you anything else. It's appalling. I really can't sell you these seats for the same price that the people in the fifth row centre paid when they booked, 3.72 seconds after sales opened." No, instead it's that kind of sneer that says "well, you should have made an effort with the other fifty-million people who wanted good seats, two weeks ago when these tickets went on sale. But now you decided you really have to go to this, and you'll never get better tickets *now*... so cough up, sucker." And have you read the disclaimer on the back of the tickets? Virtually telling you that the stadium could collapse, the act could get their legs sawn off in a ballooning accident, and your seats could accidentally be demolished during refurbishment, but you still wouldn't get any of your money back. Come the actual day of the concert, you roll up to the venue. And instantly you're made to feel inferior by the ushers. Because they may only be ushers, but boy are they dressed nicely. They are *always* dressed nicely. Whether you're going to see the latest Gilbert & Sullivan Opera, or the heaviest of heavy metal bands, it's always bow tie, "just this way, sir", and shining the torch in the vaguest direction of your seats. Maybe they should dress and behave according to the actual content of the concert. So when it *is* a rock concert, the ushers can be dressed in jeans and torn t-shirts, and greet the audience with "give us your fuckin' tickets. Find the seats yourselves." In fact, it's a shame The Police don't tour anymore; the ushers could greet everybody at the door with a pair of handcuffs and a body search. "Look, I've got the tickets, they're in my pocket..." "Shut up and lean against the wall" "Ahh.. what have we here then, sunshine? Tickets for this very gig! Very good tickets, too. C'mon, where'd you get these then?" "I didn't know they were they were fifth row centre, honest! My brother got them for me! He knows the promoter! They're for personal use only; I'm not a dealer!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The new generation of mobile phones, the digital GSM standard, has now taken hold in Australia, Hong Kong, Singapore, and most European countries. But it seems to have interference problems, which makes me(*) wonder how they ever convinced communications regulators to agree to the standard. Especially Austel, the Australian body, who are normally so awkward with agreeing to new equipment. "Good morning gentlemen. So, you've come to tell us about your new proposed GSM digital mobile-phone standard?" "Yes, that's right. It's now accepted in well over 50 countries as the new standard." "Okay.. now.. does it cause any interference in other electronics?" "Ummm well, yes, a little bit." "Ah.. well, never mind, never mind. We're all for international standards here at Austel, I'm sure it's nothing major. Does this new standard of yours have any effect with the operation of planes?" "Err well, actually can cause planes to ummm.. plummet screaming towards the ground. A bit. But only if you try to use the phone while you're on a plane!" "Hmmm.. well, okay, never mind, international standards an' all that. We have to keep abreast with technology. So does it cause any problems with hearing aids?" "Well, you understand, if you have a system as advanced as this one, it's bound to cause some conflict on the radio frequency spectr.... Yes." "Well, that's okay, got to join up with the Global Village, you know... How about pacemakers? Any problems?" "Any problems? No, no. Well, not many. You just need to keep away from people who have them, that's all." "But obviously if you do happen to cause any problems, you can always call for an ambulance, can't you. Well, I don't see any problem with this. Welcome aboard." (*) Actually, this came from an idea by Brian Smith. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey, guess what? If you thought you were going to read here that you can get TCWF back-issues by ftp, and for information on that, email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, then you are completely wrong. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| Toxic Custard. All opinions Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| expressed here are entirely my Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| own responsibility, and not TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| linked to the CIA one little bit. Daniel's definition of Heaven: A triple-chocolate Pop Tart, a glass of milk, and the consumer electronics pages of a Myer catalogue. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The Shorter Toxic Custard" ||||| ||| | | |||| ||| ||| | | | | | Toxic Custard | | | | | | | || | | | Workshop Files | | | | | ||| | | || | | | Number 214 ..|....|||..|.|..|.......|||..|||.|..|.|...|.....29th.August.1994.... TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 12 of a multitude 79 AD Pompeii and Herculaneum are destroyed in the premature eruption of Vesuvius. Pompeii goes on to become Number One in the "Top Ten Cities Covered By Volcanic Ash That Archaeologists Like To Bore People To Death By Talking About At Parties". Herculaneum, on the other hand, fades into obscurity. 82 Agricola, governor of Britain, attempts conquest of Scotland. He fails utterly, gives up his governorship, and goes back to Rome to market a new kind of black coloured fizzy drink. 93 Trajan goes shopping in the International Annexing Mall, stopping by the Imperialism Boutique and picking up Dacia (modern Romania) and Mesopotamia to add to the Roman Empire Collection Of Invaded States. 117 Hadrian tries to keep barbarians wearing skirts out of Roman territories by building fortifications, including a 70-mile-long wall (Hadrian's Wall). The most incredible feat in its construction was convincing the builders that he wasn't joking. "You want us to build WHAT?!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - How many keys do you use to unlock your door? Two or more? How is it even though it's something we do every day of every year - unlocking the door - we fumble with the keys and nearly always get them mixed up? Mine are even colour coded for God's sake. Green and purple. Couldn't be more different. And yet my brain works this out so slowly that I've almost forced the green one into the purple one's lock before I realise that it isn't going to fit. And just when I've got the lock/key relationships figured out, I have trouble with the clockwise/anti-clockwise choices. "Turn, turn, hey, it's stuck, oh bugger, I turned it the wrong way again, didn't I." Maybe I should get a sign for the door to discourage burglars. Something like "Not even the people who live here can open this door. And they've got the keys." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It has been exclusively revealed to Toxic Custard that the Government will shortly introduce a toll for being boring. Under the plan, boring people found being boring in the company of other, more interesting people, would be fined $20. Sources in the government say that the plan would encourage people to lead more interesting lives, and to switch from, say, stamp collecting, to Antarctic scuba-diving. It will also have a productivity benefit, with less people falling asleep during the day because they have to listen to whatsisface talking about double-entry bookkeeping again. In order to work out who should pay the fine, government Interest Inspectors will scour the land, looking for such obvious signs of boredom as discussing subclause B of *anything*, wearing grey suits with grey ties, reading Jeffrey Archer novels on the train, and arguing about the plural of agendum. "Oh no, really Inspector. I'm very interesting, really. I know I'm reading the Financial Review, but it was all they had left. Look, I'm sure I've got something interesting in my brief case. Train timetables? No? Ummm.. packed lunch? Hey, what's that... no, wait! Someone planted this Thesaurus on me, honest!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I think that all of us can look back on our lives... and remember some truly stupid idiotic things that we have done over the years. Things that make us cringe now. Sometimes they're things that you realise straight away are just *stupid*. Those are the worst. Where ten seconds later you find yourself thinking "why did I do that? Why?! I didn't have to do that. If I'd have just... instead. It was so easily avoided. Is there any way I can undo it?" I hate those ones. I prefer it when it's several years (if not decades) before you fully comprehend your past stupidity. At least then you don't even entertain the thought that you can do anything to reverse it now. This isn't leading to anything. If you think I'm telling all of you about the stupid things I've done, you've got another thing coming. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your eyes have just been feasting on another issue of Toxic Custard. If they would care to tuck in to dessert, a beautifully presented course of back- issues, with optional side dressing, then you may care to jump towards your nearest ftp session. For full details, email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| All opinions expressed here Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| are entirely my own responsibility. Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| No aliens have taken control of TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| my mind. Well, not lately. VERY BAD ONE LINER LOOKING FOR A HOME: "Steam engines have tender relationships" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toothless Toxic Custard" MORON PRODUCTIONS presents a MEGATHICK production in association with MCCAULIFFE EXPLOSIVES CORPORATION a file by DANIEL F BOWEN "TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES 215" co-producer CHOCOLATE editor DANIEL F BOWEN co-producer MARTIN D OMNISPLAT production designed ARNOLD ELKSQUASH You know those times when you stagger out the door and your personal grooming isn't *quite* up to the standard that it should be? Perhaps it happens once in a blue moon; perhaps it's once a month, perhaps it's every day. It might only be one little thing that you haven't done. Say, you haven't brushed your teeth. But as you close the door behind you, the little pangs of guilt rise and flutter around your mind. And you start to wonder if people will notice. Will people openly mock you in the street for not having brushed your teeth? Or will they back away in disgust as you breathe at them? Does it smell that bad? Those little pangs are perfectly capable of convincing your overly-paranoid brain that until you rectify the teeth situation, everyone you meet will personally ring up your dentist to inform him or her of your sins. And what happens if the pangs get their way? Well, let's put it this way: I have been halfway to the station on my way to work before deciding to turn back and embrace the Colgate Fluoriguard. Because when it comes down to it, you can't let dentists get any incriminating evidence. They're sadistic even when you think you've been *good*, having brushed your teeth for at least five minutes, twenty-seven times a day. "Dear me Mr Bowen, you've really been letting go here. Look at those gums, deary deary me. You don't really want false teeth do you?" Doctors don't behave like this. You don't generally hear from the doctor that "Dear me Mr Bowen, you are turning into a fat bastard, aren't you. So, you're aiming for a heart attack and blood pressure, are you?" Mind you, dentists are actually paid to abuse you. They rarely do any actual work on your teeth. This continues a noble tradition. The word "dentist" is actually derived from the Latin word dentistum, which means "sadistic abusive maniac in white jacket who drives a Mercedes". - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 13 of a great number 162 AD A little known Roman, known as Accumulas, invents a new kind of bet that he calls the "Accumulator". He wagers that during his lifetime, the Empire will be ravaged by plague, that many generals will be made Emperor, and that hoards of foreign tourists will invade. 164-180 Plagues ravage Roman and Chinese empires. Accumulas celebrates by getting far too drunk. 180 Century of war and disorder begins for Rome, during which a succession of generals are made emperors by troops in their pay. Accumulas shouts everyone within shouting distance a drink. Perpetual invasions by Franks, Goths, Parthians, Vandals and Huns follow. The Huns are ruthless fighters; the Vandals are destructive maniacs; the Parthians are merciless tyrants; the Goths are lumbering brutes; and the Franks are hordes of men with clipboards, and pens in their shirt pockets, all called Frank. 203 Accumulas claims his enormous payout, but is unfortunately killed just afterwards when he gets in the way of an invading army. 226 Artaxerxes founds new dynasty in Persia. He has many of his people executed, most of them for their awkward attempts to proclaim "Long Live Artaxerxes!" 284 Diocletian, the only Roman Emperor to have gone on a management course, re-organises the Roman empire with two joint emperors and two subordinate emperors. He also forms the Roman Empire Steering Committee, organises regular persecution reviews, and institutes a weekly co-facilitated meeting, during which both the Christians and lions are able to air their views, before eating each other. 312 Constantine defeats his joint emperor in the West, Maxentius, and goes solo. 313 Constantine legalises Christianity, and later makes it the State religion. Constantine's brother later becomes the first person to be charged with insider trading, after making a healthy profit on shares in the local bible making company. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THING PART 14 ==================== JEFF: I'm sure you could find some kind of job if you just put your mind to it. RON: Like what? JEFF: Well, what are you good at? What skills do you have? RON: I don't know. JEFF: You don't know? Do you know anything? Did you go through eight years of schooling and not remember anything about it? RON: Well it all went hazy after that day I walked into the wrong toilet one lunchtime and was persuaded to smoke certain substances. JEFF: What kind of substances? RON: I don't remember. In fact, the only thing that I do remember is that I don't remember. And that's all I remember about school. That, the mortar bomb incident, and the time I inadvertently found myself leading a skinhead protest to the principal's office. JEFF: So have you considered applying for leadership of the Liberal party? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Your brain has been feasting on the latest issue of Toxic Custard. If you would care to enjoy a Toxic Custard dessert, back- issues are available by ftp. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--| All opinions expressed here Work: dbowen@vcomtelc.telecom.com.au| are entirely my own responsibility. Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| Evil scientists have not planted TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----------| these thoughts into my mind. According to my diary the next blue moon is on October 7th. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu