Subject: BarTrek:"Picard, Any Card"
From: Todd Alan Bobenrieth <[email-masked]>
Date: Friday, 21 Feb 1992 16:28:16 EST
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

Welcome to another installment of BarTrek. I am still deciding if I should
make this a weekly thing. It seems unlikely, due to class-related obligations,
but I will try to do so, if anyone is interested. This story takes place a few
months after the original Bar Trek adventure, so don't hassle me about the
obvious "You killed off Troi" statements.

Fade into the Enterprise zooming by.

Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 5208.4. The Enterprise is on a routine
        maintenance check on the AL TV pirate satellite in the Dalbiton
        Vegrant Sector. We are scheduled to arrive there in roughly 4 hours.

Cut to Ready Room, where Picard is reading a book.

Worf: Captain, we are now entering the sector.

Picard: Already? I thought we weren't supposed to be there for another four
        hours.

Worf: Negative. We are already here.

Picard: Alright, I'm on my way.

Picard puts the book down and walks out onto the Main Bridge.

Picard: Wake up, Riker!!!

Riker suddenly sits up in his chair.

Riker: Sir, we are still four hours away from the pirate satellite.

Picard: Will, we are already here.

Riker: No, sir...we are four hours away. Look at the viewscreen.

The viewer says Four Hours To Pirate Satellite.

Picard: Mr. Worf...why did you call me out here if we aren't really there?

Worf: Sir, I didn't call you.

Picard: You're kidding.

Worf: Klingons never kid.

Picard looks around the bridge.

Picard: Fine, I'll be in my Ready Room.

Picard turns around and marches back into the ready room.

Picard: Silly intercom system.

Q: Nothing is wrong with your intercom, I sent you that message.

Picard spins around quickly to see Q sitting in the Captain's Chair, reading
the book.

Picard: Q??!!!!

Fade into the main title sequence.

Fade back into the ready room, where Q is ripping pages out of the book.

Titles appear...     "PICARD, ANY CARD"

Picard: Q, to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?

Q: I thought it has been long enough for you to endure life without me.

Picard: Most thoughtful...you can leave now.

Q: I don't think so, Picard. You see, I have decided to play another trick
   on you and your crew. But this time...it will be more of an adventure.

Picard: I don't have time for your silly games.

Q: That is very unfortunate, considering there is nothing you can do about it.

Picard: Mr. Worf, please come to my ready room.

Q: Oh, my oh my, Picard. You think he will intimidate me enough to leave?

Worf comes into the room and sees Q.

Worf: Q!!!!!

Q: Very good, Worf. I thought you said he was dumber than that, Captain.

Worf turns to look at Picard, who just waves the idea off.

Worf: What are you doing here?!

Q: You see, Worf, I have decided to play a little game with you...see how you
   react when put in a different environment.

Worf: That sounds stupid.

Q: Then you should excel in this game.

Worf growls, to which Q responds by making a glass of water dump over his
head.

Picard: I have had enough of this, Q. Leave this ship at once.

Q: I do so because it suits me, but when I return...be ready to play.

Q vanishes in a flash of white light.

Worf: Sir, I suggest we put the ship on emergency status and fire all weapons
      into a wide radius in front of us.

Picard: Why?

Worf: You can never be too sure.

Picard: Very well, Worf. Make it so. We can take no chances when Q is around.

Worf: Aye, sir. (turns to leave) Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy..I get to shoot things.

Worf skips out of the room and Picard rubs his forehead.

Fade to commercial

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Fade back in to a shot of the bridge. Geordie is watching an episode of
Doctor Who on the viewer, Data is chattering to anyone who will listen,
Riker is fixing his hair, Troi is smoking a cigar, and Picard and Worf are
playing chess.

Guinan walks in off the turbolift.

Guinan: I suppose this is what you call being on alert.

Picard: What? Oh, hello Guinan...did you say something?

Guinan: No, I was just seeing what was up here on the bridge.

Riker: And did you find out?

Guinan: I just got here, idiot!

Riker: Oh, sorry.

Picard goes back to playing chess, not noticing that Worf moved a piece that
didn't belong to him.

Data: Hey, ah...Captain, sir...why are we on alert, by the way?

LaForge: Yeah, and why did we fire weapons out into open space?

Picard: I received a visit from our old friend, Q.

LaForge: Q???

Data: Yeah, you know...James Bond's boss.

LaForge: Oooohhh.

Picard: No!!!! Q, the all powerful entity.

Q: You rang?

Everyone turns to look at Q, who is sitting where Troi used to be. Troi is
now where Riker used to be, Riker is where Data used to be, Data is where
Picard used to be, etc.

Picard: Q, we are on an urgent mission, we cannot tolerate any bothering.

Q: So fire Data. I don't like him either. In fact...

Q makes Data stand up and fall down continuously.

Picard: That's enough!

Q: OH...party pooper.

Data stands back up and sits down in the Captain's Chair, which is gone now.
Data falls.

Q: And now...lets go play a game...

A bright light sends them all off the bridge, they reappear in a large room.

Picard looks at himself. He is now dressed in a long black robe.
Riker is dressed in a suit, and is carrying a briefcase.
Data is dressed in rags.
Guinan is dressed in a big blue uniform.
Geordie is dressed in an old man's sweater and a black shirt.
Worf is dressed in a big blue uniform, and is standing underneath a light
fixture that arches perfectly to match his head.
Troi is dressed in a suit jacket and skirt.

Picard: What the hell is this?

Fade into commercial.

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Fade back into the room with the crew.

Picard: Where the hell are we? Q??? Q???

Q appears in a bright flash of light.

Q: Oh, calm down, big guy. This is the game we are going to play. You, mon
   capitan, are now Judge Harold T. Stone. The rest of you should be able to
   figure out your respective roles.

Q vanishes and the crew looks at each other.

Worf: Sir, I protest, I am not a bald, ten story bailiff originally from
      Bradford, PA who made his fame playing an idiot on an old Earth
      television show.

Picard: How do you know all this?

Worf: Ummm....Data told me.

Data: That is incorrect, Worfy...I, ah, didn't say anything of the nature.

Picard: Regardless...I suppose I should fill you in on who you apparently are.

Riker: That would be nice, sir.

Picard: Will, you are apparently Dan Fielding, the prosecuting attorney.
        Data, you are unquestionably Phil, the bum. Troi, you appear to be
        Christine Sullivan, the defense attorney.

Troi: Oh, wonderful.

Picard: Geordie, you appear to be Mac, the court secretary.

LaForge: Oh, man...that's a girl's job!

Picard: Guinan...you appear to be Roz, another bailiff.

Guinan: WHY??!!! What the HELL do I have in common with ROZ???!!!

Picard: And Worf...you, as you guessed, are Bull Shannon.

Worf(gets dopey look on his face): O...kay.

Picard: But why would Q bring us here...what possibly could be the meaning of
        this?

Suddenly, the court doors swing open and the crowd walks in.

Riker: I guess this means we have to proceed with the proceedings.

Picard: I suppose you are right, Number Twelve..er...Dan...

Riker smirks at Picard and goes to his table.

Worf: All rise, the New York criminal court is now in session, the honorless...
      Um...honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Everyone stands up. Picard starts to sit down and the crowd does the same. But
just in the nick of time, Picard stands back up.

Picard: Gotcha....

The crowd groans.

Picard: Well, Mac, what do we have today?

LaForge is searching his desk, but since its only paper, he can't tell the
reports apart from each other.

LaForge: Sir, you may have to give me a minute with this.

Picard stands up and goes to where LaForge is sitting.

Picard: Never mind, I'll get it myself.

LaForge: Thanks, sir.

Picard grabs a folder and returns to his seat.

Picard: Well, lets see...the Angry Husband vs the Kung Fu Kid.

Worf leads a battered guy in with a man in a ninja outfit.

Picard: Well, Wor....I mean, Bull, which is which?

Worf growls at Picard.

Picard: So anyway, what have we got here, Mr. Fielding?

Riker: The Kung Fu Kid was apparently having an affair with Mr. Higgins' wife
       and got caught in the act.

Picard: Doin' a little Kung Foolin' around, eh?

Kung Fu Kid bows to Picard.

Troi: Captain....(gets angry look from Picard)... Judge Stone, my client is
      really sorry about this and we think he should be let go.

Riker: Oh really? He banged Higgins' wife then beat him up...umm...actually...

Picard: I rule in favor of the plaintiff, 3 weeks in prison and a fine of
        five dollars.

Higgins: Oh wow...with that I can go to the movies....by myself.

Worf leads the two away.

Picard: Number Twelve, Councillor, approach the bench.

Riker and Troi come close to the judge's bench.

Picard: So far I see nothing out of the ordinary about this. Why in the world
        did Q bring us here?

Q: Next case, the the Klingon Empire against Captain James T. Kirk.

Everyone looks at Q, who is standing where Geordie was.

Commercial

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Fade back in to the court where everyone is staring at Q.

Picard: The Klingon Empire against Captain James T. Kirk?

Q: That's right, Picard. You and your crew will decide the fate of everyone's
   favorite Captain.

Picard: I thought I was everyone's favorite captain.

Riker laughs out loud.

Riker: Sorry sir.

Picard: And anyway, the Klingon Empire is no longer trying to seek out and
        eliminate Kirk.

Q: Not anymore, but this is a court of the year 1987.

Picard: But Kirk wasn't even born back then, and no one had any idea that
        Klingons even existed.

Q: Don't confuse me. I had a brilliant plan and now you're messing it up.

Picard: Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Q: No matter, we shall still go through this trial.

Picard: And who will be on the prosecuting side with Commander Riker?

Q: Quite simple, I have assembled the following individuals...

As Q names them, they walk in though the doors and sit behind Riker.

Q: This is Commander Klaa, he still hasn't given up the idea of putting Kirk
   in his place.
   This is Maltz, Kirk captured him just before the Genesis planet exploded.
   And this is my start witness...ladies and Gentlemen of the court...
   KHAN NOONIAN SINGH!!!!!!

Everyone gasps as Khan walks in through the door.

Khan: You still remember me. I am touched...and amazed, considering you
      people never met me.

Picard: Q, you said this was the Klingons against Kirk...why did you bring
        Khan?

Q: I couldn't think of the name of Christopher Lloyd's Klingon character.

Picard: Oh.

Q: And now ladies and gentlemen...introducing the defendant...the one...the
   only....Captain James....T......KIRK!!!!!

The original Trek theme plays over the intercom as Kirk strolls into the
courtroom.

Picard: Greetings, Captain Kirk. It is a pleasure to meet you.

Kirk: Yes, it is..isn't it.

Kirk takes a seat beside Troi and immediately kisses her.

Q: And now, Picard...let the games begin.

Picard: Mr. Prosecuting Attorney, you may begin.

Riker: What? Oh...the trial, right. um...I'd like to call my first witness.
       I call Commander Klaa to the stand.

Klaa stands and salutes Picard, who returns the salute. He looks over at Kirk
and sticks his tongue out at him.

Riker: Commander Klaa, what is it that brings you to these proceedings.

Klaa: I am in the "I Hate Kirk Fan Club" and was selected to represent them.

Riker: I see, no further questions.

Picard: WILL!!!!

Riker: Alright, alright...Commander Klaa, why was this club formed.

Klaa: Because the outlaw, Kirk has been a thorn in the side of the empire
      for many years. He has hunted down and killed countless masses of
      defenseless Klingons.

Kirk: BUT.........that's a lie!

Picard: Kirk, you will speak when spoken to and at no other time.

Kirk sits down and twiddles his thumbs.

Riker: And Commander Klaa, what is your personal quarrel with Kirk?

Klaa: He was the cause of my demotion. He humiliated me.

Riker: No further questions.

Picard: Defense, your witness.

Troi: Commander Klaa, do you like chocolate?

Klaa: Chock-o-let?

Troi: Never mind. Anyway, is it not true that Kirk was not the one who got
      you demoted, but rather it was your own fault???

Klaa: No.

Troi: Oh.

Kirk stands up and approaches the bench.

Kirk: Judge....Stone, is it? I request that I be aloud to defend myself at
      these proceedings.

Picard: I see no harm in that.

Kirk: Alright, Klaa, you can leave now. I have nothing to say to you.

Klaa leaves and Kirk whirls around to face the crowd.

Kirk: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury...I'd like to call MY first witness to
      the stand....I now call on...Mr. SPOCK!!!!

Everyone gasps and turn to look at the door.

Spock: I am here, Captain.

Dramatic music climaxes as we fade out.

TO BE CONTINUED...

So that's it..part one of Picard, Any Card...tell me what you think about
it and if you think its worthy of a part two. I'm going to write it
anyway, but your responses will tell me if it should be posted.
Thanks for your patience.
                                         -Todd