Subject: (Parody) BLACKADDERLON 59 #2, Part 1 of 2
From: [email-masked] (S. Baldric)
Date: 16 Jun 1994 19:25:54 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder,alt.startrek.creative

BLACKADDERLON 59 #2: The Modulation of Ampla Tuud, Part 1 of 2

-PART-1-OF-2--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 Copyright (C) 1994 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved.  No part of
 this work may be used or reproduced  in any manner whatsoever without written
 permission  from  the  author,  with  the  exception  of  1) brief quotations 
 embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text 
 of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing
 same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used
 or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only.

 'BLACKADDERLON 59'  is an unauthorized  parody of the  'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE 
 NINE',  'BABYLON  5'   and  'BLACKADDER'  television  series.   None  of  the 
 individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise 
 based upon these series,  nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK-
 ADDERLON 59',  has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or
 authorized it.   Any references made to real persons or companies  in 'BLACK-
 ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should 
 not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

                       B L A C K A D D E R L O N   5 9 
                       -------------------------------
                    AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY by Tom Golden

                                  Story #2
                        'THE MODULATION OF AMPLA TUUD'
                                by Tom Golden

                  O U R   H Y P O T H E T I C A L   C A S T

        Lt. Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder .......... ROWAN ATKINSON (Blackadder)
        Deputy Garibaldric ................... TONY ROBINSON (Blackadder)
        Dr. George Cremator .................. HUGH LAURIE (Blackadder)
        Yarn Ambassador G'Whiz ............... STEPHEN FRY (Blackadder)
        Cardigan Ambassador Deluxx ........... MIRANDA RICHARDSON (Blackadder)
        Maj. Adi Tuud ........................ SUZIE PLAKSON (Love & War)
        Cmdr. Francis Flasheart .............. GRANT SHAUD (Murphy Brown)
        Chief Milo Nobrain ................... TIM ALLEN (Home Improvement)
        Lt. Justa Duk
           - Duk (Hand Puppet Symbiont) ...... VO 'Barney the Dinosaur'
           - Justa (Humanoid Host) ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE (MWC)
        Orlon Ambassador Light Mauve ......... (Appears via SFX)

            O U R   H Y P O T H E T I C A L   G U E S T   C A S T

        Ampla Tuud ........................... ESTELLE GETTY
        Gonzo (cameo) ........................ KEVIN NEALON
        Apto Tuud (cameo) .................... GILBERT GOTTFRIED

                   M I S C E L L A N E O U S   P A R T S

        A crowd of PEJORATIVE JOURNALISTS
        A couple of sickbay ORDERLIES
        Several SECURITY GUARDS and TECHNICIANS

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  COLD OPENING

INT. AVALON CONTROL

TUUD is supervising normal operations, along with several techs.
On the viewscreen is a view of the Pejorative northern hemisphere,
with a Pejorative shuttle rising up out of the atmosphere.  TUUD,
standing in the command position (front and center, facing the
viewscreen), speaks to the viewscreen.

TUUD            Pejorative Shuttle 4Q2, you are cleared for
                docking.  Release your helm to our navigational
                control.

SFX: AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION 

TUUD            4Q2, we do not copy, say again?

SFX: AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION

TUUD            Major Tuud to security -- possible hijacking, 
                Pejorative shuttle 4Q2.

One voice from the shuttle drowns out the others.

SFX: RECEDING AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION

AMPLA(VO)       Adi, is that you?

TUUD            Premother Ampla?  Security, cancel previous
                alert.

AMPLA(VO)       No, this is the spirit of the Guy Lombardo coming
                to reclaim the Holy Sock.  Of course it's your
                premother.  

A look of panic and terror comes over TUUD.  GEORGE walks into Control
and, interested in what's going on, strides up behind her.  TUUD,
stunned by the though of AMPLA's visit, adopts a blank smile as she 
responds.

TUUD            Oh, good.  

TUUD turns away from the viewscreen to talk to a technician.

TUUD            (Barely audible) Kill our outgoing video!

TUUD faces the viewscreen again.

AMPLA(VO)       You can't see me because the pilot broke the
                camera with his head after I asked him for the
                headset the first time. 

TUUD is on emotional autopilot; her smile is obviously superficial.

TUUD            What a coincidence.  We're having trouble with our
                video too!

AMPLA(VO)       Anyway, stooshie, it's been too long since I saw 
                my favorite postdaughter, so I decided to visit.

TUUD            Oh, how _nice_.

AMPLA(VO)       So, when do I get _off_ this crate?

TUUD bites her lip and looks around for an excuse.

TUUD            (Sotto voce) Oh, spock.  I need time.  Of course!
                (Aloud) Well, you're nearly docked, but we'll
                have to do some routine safety and security
                scans, which will take some time.

TUUD grimaces, bracing herself for the response to her next utterance.

TUUD            Probably about an eighth-day.

AMPLA(VO)       _That_ long?  

TUUD grabs a large ball of loosely wadded scrap paper from a nearby
trash can and, crackling it loudly toward the viewscreen, engages in 
a small subterfuge.

AMPLA(VO)       Listen, I'm not a young female anymore.  I could
                die here waiting!  Can't you make an exception
                for your own --

TUUD            Premother Ampla?  I can't hear you.  You're
                breaking up.  Why don't we continue this
                conversation when you come on board -- 

AMPLA(VO)       Don't cut me off!  I won't stand for it!  The
                last time your mother did that, I ripped --

TUUD            AVALON out.

TUUD motions for the comm link with the shuttle to be cut, and goes over 
to her station and slumps in her chair.

GEORGE          Major, what's going on?  Trouble with the
                shuttle?

TUUD            Yes and no.  My premother, my, my, what's the
                word, my _grand_mother has decided to pay me a
                surprise visit.

GEORGE is visibly mentally struggling to avoid being punched out as 
a result of what he is about to say.

GEORGE          I, well, don't want to, ruffle your, err,
                metaphoric feathers, but I was wondering, if --

TUUD            Spit it out, George.

GEORGE          Well, has Pejorative genetics bestowed upon her, 
                a, aaahh, _similar_ disposition to, errrrm, your
                own?

TUUD            She _is_ my grandmother.  What do you think?

GEORGE          Oh.

TUUD            Actually, George, I'm lying --

GEORGE          Oh? 

TUUD            Yes.  Don't get me wrong; I love my premother
                dearly.   My whole family does.  But we _do_ all
                live in fear of her.  Y'see, she's a legislator,
                and the head of the major opposition political
                party.  And you don't want to know how
                _Pejorative_ she had to be to get there.

GEORGE          Oh, dear.

TUUD            Oh, spocking spock.

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                OPENING CREDITS

EFX:  EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND PEJOR, LOOKING OUTWARD

A bright red star shines in the distance.  The first 8 notes of the 
'Blackadder' theme repeat a la 'STAR TREK' intro.  An audibly elderly 
Garibaldric narrates.

GARIBALDRIC(VO) Space.  The biggest, darkest, coldest, biggest
                place there is.  Really.  I should know, I was
                dumped there.

An empty, discarded tin can moves quickly into view from our left,
appearing to bounce off the camera lens and knocking our POV toward
our right.  We follow the can as it moves away to our right and toward...

EFX:  EXT. AVALON 59

A large, dark gray Thermos-bottle in space, floating horizontally and
rotating along its central core.

GARIBALDRIC(VO) This is the story of AVALON 59, one of the last
                of the SpaceBases built by the United Planets,
                Universal and Galactic, or 'UNPLUG'.

                AVALON 59 was the last, best chance to sit around,
                do nothing and collect lots of goldless pratinum
                from all the governments who sent ambassadors.

                As the name implies, there were 58 AVALONs before...

EFX: EXT. ORBITING SPACE STATION EXPLODING 

GARIBALDRIC(VO) Nineteen blew up...

EFX: EXT. PARTIALLY BUILT SPACE STATION 

A partially completed skeleton of another space station.  

GARIBALDRIC(VO) Fourteen were only partially built, and then
                stripped by galactic hoodlums...

INT. SPACECRUISER LOUNGE

A large, plush room.  An alien conducts an auction sale of the
lovely space station visible outside the panoramic, floor-to-ceiling
viewport at the rear of the lounge.

GARIBALDRIC(VO) Eleven were reposessed and sold at auction...

EFX: EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND EARTH 

Earth orbit, literally filled with thousands of satellites, cans, 
wrenches, nuts, bolts and several space stations.

GARIBALDRIC(VO) The first nine were built and left in Earth orbit because
                nobody could figure out how to get them to their
                destination, the neutral planet Pejor.  The third
                actually fell out of orbit and became a Florida
                tourist attraction.

EFX: EXT. SPACE

GARIBALDRIC(VO) Four simply disappeared, although one of them was later
                seen in another quadrant, run completely by Elvis clones.
                But that's just a rumor...

EFX: EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING 

GARIBALDRIC(VO) AVALON 42 was destroyed in a collision with an
                ark carrying people calling themselves
                Golgafrinchams, in an incident whose
                improbability was later described as infinite.

EFX: EXT. AVALON 59

SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF BLACKADDER, GEORGE, G'WHIZ AND DELUXX.
       SOMETHING NEXT TO BLACKADDER HAS BEEN TORN OUT OF THE PICTURE

GARIBALDRIC(VO) Oh yeah, I can't tell you about AVALON 59 without 
                mentioning me mates... Edmund Blackadder, Dr.
                George Cremator, Ambassador G'Whiz of the
                Yarn Republic, and the Cardigan Empire's ambas-
                sador Deluxx.

As if this is all an animation setup, two grubby hands move in to restore
the torn-out spot on the photograph -- Garibaldric's picture.

GARIBALDRIC(VO) And that's me, Garibaldric.  I'm a shapeshifter.
                But I'm not very good at it.  I was trying to be
                a turnip in this picture.  But I ended up looking
                like some Earth prat.

                AVALON 59.  Light-years of great parking, deck
                after deck of really cool shopping and loads of
                wet kisses and messy intrigue.

The background music kicks off into BLACKADDER theme while the series logo 
and credits roll like every other boring old TV show.

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  ACT I

INT. OFFICERS MESS -- DINNERTIME

Cmdr. FLASHEART, BLACKADDER and GEORGE, in their UNPLUG dress uniforms, 
await the arrival of TUUD and AMPLA for dinner.  FLASHEART is visibly
nervous and fidgety.

FLASHEART       So, tell me again, Blackadder, why am I here?

BLACKADDER      Well, sir, several unfortunate circumstances
                involving your mother, father, and the failure of
                certain contraceptive devices --

FLASHEART       Blackadder!

BLACKADDER      My apologies, sir.  I couldn't resist such an
                open-ended question.

FLASHEART       Try harder next time, mister.

BLACKADDER      We are all here tonight at the request of Major
                Tuud.   It seems her grandmother has arrived for
                a sudden and unexpected visit.

FLASHEART       So?

BLACKADDER      Major Tuud's grandmother is a prominent
                opposition legislator on Pejor.

FLASHEART       I see.  Suck up time.  Expand our options.

BLACKADDER      Precisely.

GEORGE          You should have seen the Major earlier today when
                she found out.  She actually turned pale and had 
                to sit down for a while.  Y'know, I've never seen
                a Pejorative that frightened before.

FLASHEART       Major Tuud?  Frightened?

BLACKADDER      Sir, there is an old saying that the only thing
                more terrifying and unpleasant than a Pejorative
                is his mother.  And I would expect it to be
                appropriately multiplied when used in reference
                to a grandmother, and further exponentiated for
                one who is also a politician.

FLASHEART grabs BLACKADDER's uniform.

FLASHEART       What have you gotten me into this time,
                Blackadder? I don't need any more fear or terror. 
                I don't even need mild discomfort.  I don't even
                want a hint of unpleasantness.  At this point,
                bad breath could send me over the edge.  I'm at
                the threshold.  I c-c-can see the abyss in front
                of me.  It's beckoning me.  'Francis! Francis!
                Come to me! Let me envelop you in my oblivion!'

BLACKADDER      George!

FLASHEART       George!

GEORGE          Right!

GEORGE injects tranquilizer into FLASHEART.

GEORGE          How's that?

FLASHEART gradually relaxes and lets go of BLACKADDER's uniform.

FLASHEART       Better.  Thanks, George.  Where's Chief Nobrain and 
                Lt. Duk?

BLACKADDER      The computer informs us that Chief Nobrain is not
                on the base.  Furthermore it is adamant that he
                does not and never has existed here, or anywhere
                within UNPLUG territory for that matter.  While
                this would, of course, be a relief if only it
                were true, I am certain it is a ruse he has
                concocted as a means of evading his social
                duties.  

FLASHEART       What're you doing about it?

BLACKADDER      I've assigned my deputy Garibaldric to find him. 
                One whiff and the chief will be begging to return
                to duty.  As for our erstwhile science officer,
                at last report, she was trapped in her closet --

FLASHEART       Well, what are you standing here for?  Go get her
                out, man!

BLACKADDER      Sir, I'm afraid you misunderstand.  She is
                ensnared only by her own inability to decide what
                to wear tonight.

FLASHEART       But we always wear dress uniforms to these
                occasions.

BLACKADDER      Sir, if I may say so, your stunning display of
                logic underscores UNPLUG's wisdom in appointing
                you our leader.

TUUD (in Pejorative dress uniform) and AMPLA enter.

TUUD            Commander Flasheart, this is my grandmother, and
                member of the Pejorative governing assembly,
                Ampla Tuud.  

AMPLA           Please, don't make a fuss.  I'm just here to
                visit my stooshie.

FLASHEART and BLACKADDER show puzzlement at the term 'stooshie'.

TUUD            Stooshie is a term of endearment.

GEORGE          Hmmm, that's not what my Pejorative medical
                textbooks say.  A 'stooshie' is a particularly
                vile and nasty native parasite.  It (gestures)
                burrows into your abdomen and sucks out all your
                digestive fluids through your stomach! Then it
                clamps onto your spinal column and makes you
                do the hustle until you die of terminal
                embarassment!

TUUD            Yes! Yes, you're right, but Premother is using
                the secondary meaning.

GEORGE          Sorry, I guess we're all just a little nervous.

AMPLA           Don't be nervous!  I just want you to think of me
                as my little Adi's premother.  Don't give a
                thought to the fact that I could be the next
                leader of that little mudball you're in orbit
                around.

FLASHEART extends his hand to AMPLA.

FLASHEART       On behalf of UNPLUG, allow me to welcome you to
                AVALON 59.

AMPLA eyes FLASHEART's hand for a moment, then his face.

AMPLA           (To TUUD) Hmmph.  Seems too small.  If I caught
                something like him, I'd throw him back --

AMPLA finally shakes hands with FLASHEART.

AMPLA           Eeuuuhhh, what a worm!  Gimme a napkin so's I can
                wipe his sweat off my hand.

FLASHEART, already nervous, tries again to exchange pleasantries.

FLASHEART       Adi has told us a lot about you.

AMPLA           You liar!  No self-respecting Pejorative _ever_
                talks about her family to outsiders if she can
                help it.  So you're a worm and a liar.
                
FLASHEART       (To BLACKADDER and GEORGE) OK, that's it, I fold. 
                Your turn, Constable.  George, I need another
                hit.

GEORGE          Aye, sir.

GEORGE and FLASHEART walk over to a convenient corner, where GEORGE 
administers the medication.  BLACKADDER moves into position to greet
AMPLA.  

AMPLA           So, who are you?

TUUD            This is Edmund Blackadder, our chief of security.

BLACKADDER takes a breath, collects his thoughts, then speaks.

BLACKADDER      Madam, I would _like_ to say that it is a pleasure
                to meet you, but it would, in fact, be an
                _utter_lie_.  In fact, you are the most
                unpleasant old crone it has been my misfortune to
                encounter, and, given the number of unpleasant 
                old crones I've been forced to encounter over my
                lifetime, _that's_ saying something.

TUUD, visibly shaken by BLACKADDER's forthrightness, faints.

AMPLA           Now, here's a man who speaks his mind.  I like
                that.   Whatsamatter with him, stooshie?  He's
                got spocks!  If I were younger.  Well, if I were
                younger, we'd be playing 'Caves and Seasnakes',
                if you get my drift.

BLACKADDER smiles, as if he is flattered by AMPLA's compliment.

BLACKADDER      I seriously doubt it.

AMPLA finally notices that TUUD has fainted.

AMPLA           Stooshie?  Stooshie?  Hmmph.  No spocks.  Y'know,
                Eddie, she was always the weak one.  No spocks at
                all.  Nothing like her sisters.  Oh, she'd cry
                at the drop of a sock.

BLACKADDER      Really?  How interesting!  You must tell me more!

AMPLA, in typical Pejorative fashion, grabs BLACKADDER's arm and they
step together over TUUD as they move over to the dining table.

AMPLA           Oh, the stories I could tell about little Adi. 
                Y'know when she was young, she used to...

FLASHEART       (Obviously sedated) George, I'm gonna have a
                little lie-down now.  Why don't you look after
                the Major?

FLASHEART falls like a feather to the floor.

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  ACT II

INT.  BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING

BLACKADDER is, as usual, sipping his morning cuppa, and looking over
security printouts and files.  GARIBALDRIC walks in from an adjoining
room.

GARIBALDRIC     Good morning, sir!

BLACKADDER      What's so good about it, you galactic gelatin?

GARIBALDRIC     Well, now that you mention it, nothing, actually. 
                I suppose I could have said, 'Average morning,
                sir' or 'Absolutely nothing special about this
                morning, sir'.  How about, 'Totally unoriginal
                morning, sir'.

BLACKADDER      How about 'Shut your simulated gob, you brain-
                dead pillock, before I run you through an
                extruder and cut up the output to form the
                letters J-E-L-L-O'.

GARIBALDRIC     Naaah, I couldn't say that.  Your mouth isn't 
                simulated.

BLACKADDER      (sigh) Well, Garibaldric, now that we have spent
                fully five minutes on your feeble attempt at a
                simple pleasantry, do you have anything of value
                to communicate, or do you just want me to use
                this (pulls nasty-looking device out of his desk)
                laser scalpel to cut you into cubes of shape-
                shifter tofu?

GARIBALDRIC     Well, actually, sir, this communique just
                arrived.  It seems that a couple of Pejorative
                by-elections were held yesterday, and the
                opposition candidates pulled off a major upset.

BLACKADDER      So?

GARIBALDRIC     The opposition now has the majority of seats in
                the Pejorative assembly.

BLACKADDER      Ahhhh, and that makes Major Tuud's grandmother --

Garibaldric reads from the text.

GARIBALDRIC     -- 'the new Supreme Bitch of Pejor'.

BLACKADDER      Garibaldric!

GARIBALDRIC     It's a Pejorative term.

BLACKADDER      So I've gathered!  Kindly use less derogatory
                language.

GARIBALDRIC     No, no, the Pejorative assembly is actually
                called 'The House of Bitches' --

BLACKADDER      Thank you, Garibaldric; just use the term
                'parliament' from now on.

GARIBALDRIC     I'd rather not, sir, if you don't mind.

BLACKADDER      Why not?

GARIBALDRIC     You don't want to know what the word 'parliament'
                means in Pejorative.

INT.  AVALON PROMENADE -- MORNING

AMPLA, shopping and providing a photo-op for an entourage of Pejorative
news-blatters (press), strolls down the Promenade accompanied by
GEORGE and FLASHEART.

JOURNALISTS IN CROWD (calling out)
                Hey-you!  Hey-you!

FLASHEART is stunned by their lack of restraint.

FLASHEART       Have you no respect?  This is the new leader of
                your planet!

Journalist GONZO speaks up.

GONZO           Hey, 'PLUGger, I got your respect RIGHT HERE!
                (gestures)  'Hey-you' is how she's supposed to be
                addressed, kinda like your 'Prime Minister'.

FLASHEART       Oh.  My mistake.  Sorry.  

AMPLA           Gonzo, Leave the 'PLUGger alone.  He's sucking up 
                to me, okay?

JOURNALIST      Hey, sucking up to you doesn't demonstrate high
                intelligence on his part.

AMPLA           It certainly didn't when _you_ were doing it.

                (Turning to FLASHEART)  Ignore him.  He's nobody 
                important.  Just one of my former spin doctors.  
                He's just unhappy because after I fired him, I 
                called his new boss and got him posted here
                permanently.  Anyway, you were saying?

FLASHEART       I was pointing out the Godiva chocolate store. 
                Are you familiar with the Earth delicacy
                chocolate?

AMPLA           Yeah, keep that stuff away from me.  I've seen
                old vids of that sad Earth guy dressed up like a
                flying animal.  He takes a spoonful and then
                jumps around like a pogo-worm, screaming "I'm
                high on chocolate! I'm high on chocolate!"

AMPLA starts toward the next shop; GEORGE and FLASHEART and the crowd
follow.

GEORGE          Errm, aahhh, Oh yes, I remember that!  No, that's
                "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs!  I'm cuckoo for
                Cocoa-Puffs!"

FLASHEART       George, stop that.  You're scaring me.  I
                remember that from my history books.  The Great
                Kellogg Corn Flake-Out of '73.  Clandestine cereal 
                bonfires.  The Post-Purina Purge of '75.

GEORGE          Who would have thought that toasting extruded
                mashed grains, sugar and other chemicals, would
                produce such a dangerous stimulant?  I'll never
                forget the vid of my grandparents bringing out 
                carton after carton of Frosted Weetabix to toss
                on the bonfire.

FLASHEART       They burned all the classics.  Froot Loops.
                Count Chocula.  Cap'n Crunch.  Trix.  Super
                Hi-Corn-Fructose Crisp.  Fortunately, they saved
                some of the back panels of the boxes, so we
                haven't lost _all_ the works of the old masters.  

GEORGE          Speaking of breakfast, why don't we get some
                here!

The sign above the shop reads:

                                I - G H O B
                    INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF BANCAKES [TM]

AMPLA looks inside at what's being served.

AMPLA           They look like fried, pureed swampgrass pucks.  
                Speaking of purges, they make _me_ want to purge.

GEORGE          Oh, now, they're really quite smashing,
                especially with a little bit of oznabrag
                marmalade on the side.

Ambassadors DELUXX, G'WHIZ and LIGHT MAUVE enter.

AMPLA           (To GEORGE) Who's the albino tramp?

FLASHEART       That's the Cardigan ambassador.

AMPLA           And we wanted _them_ to annex us?  Sheesh!

G'WHIZ          Esteemed Hey-you Tuud, allow me, on behalf of the
                YARN Republic to extend my conGRATulations to
                you on the occasion of your ascention to the
                office of SuPREME B--

DELUXX delivers a hard elbow jab to G'Whiz.

G'WHIZ          -- er, LEADer of PeJOR.

AMPLA           Who the spock are you?  You look like a cross
                between an alligator and a pipe cleaner.

G'WHIZ bows theatrically.

G'WHIZ          I am G'Whiz, AVALON's Ambassador from the Yarn
                Republic, at your service.  Pepto-BISmol to you.

MAUVE does, well, as close to a bow as you can do if you're encased in
a large upside-down ice-cream cone.

MAUVE           I AM LIGHT MAUVE  AMBASSADOR FROM THE ORLON
                COLLECTION

AMPLA           For a moment I thought you were an automated 
                banking machine.  

DELUXX curtsies. 

DELUXX          And I am Deluxx, of the Cardigan Empire.  On
                behalf of my fellow diplomats, I wish to
                apologize for not contacting you sooner.  We've
                only just now heard the news.

AMPLA           So you three are diplomats.

G'WHIZ, DELUX and MAUVE 
                Yes.

AMPLA           So, go on, start sucking up to me.  Isn't that
                what you diplomats do?

G'WHIZ          May I just say, how, well, presiDENtial you look.  
                Just like the finest bone china place setting on
                my home world.

AMPLA           My house plants can do better than that.

MAUVE           YOUR POLITICAL ACUMEN IS THE PALEST LIGHT PASTEL
                BLUE --

DELUXX waves her arms in front of G'WHIZ and MAUVE, cutting them off.

DELUXX          Boys, let me handle this.  

DELUXX places her hands on her hips and lowers the pitch of her voice 
from 'sweet and diplomatic' mode straight to 'tough' mode.

DELUXX          OK, what'll it take to keep _you_ from trying to 
                blackmail us into annexing Pejor?

AMPLA           You got spocks.

AMPLA turns to GEORGE.

AMPLA           Forget what I said.  She's not a tramp.  She's
                got spocks.

AMPLA turns back to DELUXX.

AMPLA           I'll get back to you after I take charge.

G'WHIZ          And when will that happy day be?

AMPLA           In a couple of weeks.  I figure I'll let 'em stew
                down on Pejor for a while -- make 'em wait for
                me.

G'WHIZ          Oh, STEW!  How GLORious!

GEORGE          That seems a little rude, don't you think?

AMPLA           Pejor to George.  Pejor to George.  Reality
                calling.  What's the point of having power if you
                don't use it?

Suddenly, a maniac with a Rasta wig, green face paint and Yarn garb 
breaks through the crowd and shoots AMPLA at point-blank range with 
a stun-gun.

ASSASSIN        Die, Meat-grinder!

FLASHEART and G'WHIZ lunge forward to catch him, but he is too fast and 
disappears down a corridor.  DELUXX and GEORGE comfort AMPLA, who tries 
to speak.

AMPLA           Must have been a sore loser.

GEORGE speaks to his comm bracelet.

GEORGE          Medical emergency, promenade, stat!

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------
-END-PART-1-OF-2----CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----

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From: [email-masked] (S. Baldric)
Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: (Parody) BLACKADDERLON 59 #2, Part 2 of 2
Date: 17 Jun 1994 17:17:09 GMT
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BLACKADDERLON 59 #2: The Modulation of Ampla Tuud, Part 2 of 2

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 Copyright (C) 1994 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved.  No part of
 this work may be used or reproduced  in any manner whatsoever without written
 permission  from  the  author,  with  the  exception  of  1) brief quotations 
 embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text 
 of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing
 same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used
 or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only.

 'BLACKADDERLON 59'  is an unauthorized  parody of the  'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE 
 NINE',  'BABYLON  5'   and  'BLACKADDER'  television  series.   None  of  the 
 individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise 
 based upon these series,  nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK-
 ADDERLON 59',  has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or
 authorized it.   Any references made to real persons or companies  in 'BLACK-
 ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should 
 not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
-PART-2-OF-2--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----

                                 ACT III

INT. SICKBAY -- LATER THAT AFTERNOON

AMPLA lays unconscious on an intensive care bed, her vital 
signs being monitored by sensors which sound like not only a bass
guitar, but a whole rhythm section.  BLACKADDER, GEORGE, FLASHEART and 
TUUD look on from behind the window between the sickbay and the 
waiting room.

INT. SICKBAY WAITING ROOM

BLACKADDER, GEORGE and TUUD brood while FLASHEART borders on hysteria.

FLASHEART       Here lies Francis Tiberius Flasheart.  He tried
                to follow in his brother's footsteps and got
                stepped on.  You know what they'll do.  First,
                they'll courtmartial me, then they'll draw and
                quarter me and pack me into little cans and sell
                me as dog food! Hahahahahahahahaha! But I'm not
                going alone.  Nosiree! I'm taking you ALL with
                me!  There'll be George flavor dog food, and
                Blackadder flavor dog food, and --

GEORGE          Sir, you're getting a bit tense again.

GEORGE quickly injects FLASHEART with some tranquilizer.  FLASHEART
immediately relaxes.

FLASHEART       Oooooh, birdies!

FLASHEART drops to the floor.  George tabs a small viewscreen/keypad
embedded in the wall.

GEORGE          Nurse, The commander has had another of his fits.
                Would you check to see that his usual room in
                sickbay is ready and bring a stretcher and the
                double-strength restraining jacket?  We don't
                want a repeat of last time.

GEORGE removes his finger from the keypad and shakes his head.

GEORGE          Dreadful.  Dropping like flies.  Simply dreadful.

A couple of ORDERLIES pick up FLASHEART and carry him off.

BLACKADDER      But, fortunately, George, no one has died, in
                spite of your care.

TUUD            You mean she'll survive?

GEORGE          Oh, yes, of course.  She'll be unconscious for a
                while longer, but she'll be good as new in a
                couple of days.

TUUD            That's a relief.

GEORGE          Y'know, I really should have studied Pejorative
                culture in greater depth.  For example, until
                today, I had no idea that most Pejorative
                clothing is resistant to fire from most
                stun-guns.

BLACKADDER      Yes, well, we are all appropriately thankful for
                that Ripleyesque tidbit, believe it or not.

GEORGE          Y'know, Edmund, I just noticed something strange.

BLACKADDER      Oh?  You passed a mirror?

GEORGE          No!  I mean, where are all the Pejorative
                journalists?   Shouldn't we have been overrun
                with them by now?

TUUD            Oh, didn't you hear?  I instituted a press
                blackout.

BLACKADDER      (Disdain and mock admiration) Of course, they
                didn't know they were being blacked out, did
                they?

TUUD            I told them to gather on the shuttle 4Q2 for a
                press conference.  Then, I shut the door and
                auto-launched them back to the planet.  In my
                opinion, the only good news-blatter is a deaf
                one.

BLACKADDER      Major, did it ever occur to you that the assassin
                might have been on the shuttle, and that you just
                set him free?

TUUD            (Surprise) I hadn't thought of that.

BLACKADDER      And that, my dear Major Tuud, is why I run
                security and you storm about in your jackboots,
                striking macho postures and engaging in random
                acts of wanton destruction with Chief Nobrain.

DELUXX enters, minimally acknowledging the others and walking straight
up to BLACKADDER.

DELUXX          Well, hello, tall, dark and duty-bound.  I've got 
                something for you.

DELUXX opens her mouth ...

BLACKADDER      Aaah'ghahd, not that prehensile inner tongue of
                yours again...

We look at DELUXX again, and see that she has a Trivial Pursuit card on 
her tongue.  She slowly peels it off, grabs BLACKADDER's hand, places the
card in his palm, and wraps his hand around it.

DELUXX          If anyone asks where you got it, just tell them
                you were just squeezing it in your hand.  Ta!

DELUXX exits past GEORGE, whose jaw has dropped, and a smirking, 
eyebrow-arching TUUD.   TUUD picks up a convenient sickbay towel...

TUUD            Looks like you need to towel off, Constable.

...and throws it to BLACKADDER.

TUUD            Here.

BLACKADDER      Even though your grandmother is hovering between
                life and death, you can find time to engage in
                male bonding rituals with the less butch members
                of the crew.  Tell me, when grandma over there
                finally snuffs it, are you going to have her
                stuffed and mounted, or just dump her in a
                Pejorative Neptune Society maggot bin?
                
TUUD            Blackadder!  You just don't get it.  I'm tough. 
                I'm Pejorative.

GEORGE          Y'got that right!

TUUD            We're fighters.  We're roarers.  We're pukers.

BLACKADDER      You're bonkers.

TUUD            That too.  We're hardened to the realities of the
                galaxy.

BLACKADDER      You're crass, insensitive, cheap, cruel and noisy.
                And, despite the fact that I find women with any three
                of those elements sexually irresistible, you somehow 
                still manage to repel me in the most basic way.

TUUD            We're-we're ...

First one tear falls down TUUD's cheek, then another, then a river.

TUUD            We're full of it!

TUUD, sobbing, runs out of the sickbay.

BLACKADDER      George, when you can drop a Pejorative at ten paces
                armed only with your native intelligence and your
                tongue, you can laugh in the face of fear.  Drop
                your trousers and moon terror.

GEORGE          Or plant a 'Kick Me Hard' sign on the back of the Grim 
                Reaper himself?

BLACKADDER      Quite.

INT.  BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- THAT EVENING

BLACKADDER, finishing dinner at his desk, is looking over the Trivial 
Pursuit card.

BLACKADDER      'What do Ampla Tuud and Lyndon B. Johnson have
                in common?'  Deluxx must be growing tired of 
                dessicating me through sex, and is now intent
                upon exhausting me mentally.

BLACKADDER leans back.  TUUD, standing outside, gets his attention.
He pushes a button, opening the door to his office.  TUUD enters.

BLACKADDER      Yes?

TUUD            I just wanted you to know that, well, when I left
                sickbay, I wasn't crying.

BLACKADDER      Of course not.

TUUD            I-I had something in my eye.

BLACKADDER      Well, if you had a medical problem, I would understand
                your desire to get away from Dr. George's sickbay
                at all costs.

TUUD            I went back a little while ago.  She looks so...
                vulnerable.  So peaceful.

BLACKADDER      Absolutely nothing like real life.

TUUD            When my parents died, she raised my sisters and me.  
                Have I ever told you about when I was a little 
                girl on Pejor --

BLACKADDER      No, and I don't really want to know.  Good 
                evening.

TUUD            Blackadder!  Don't shut me out like that!

BLACKADDER      Look, if you're going to open up to me and demon-
                strate how sensitive you've become since you 
                started working with us spockless humans, and how 
                it's made you a better Pejorative, I'll use this 
                (opens drawer and pulls out a meat tenderizing hammer) 
                meat tenderizer I found in my desk to test how 
                sensitive you really are.

TUUD            (Sobbing) I'm sorry. I-I--

BLACKADDER      Yes, come on, spit it out.

TUUD pulls out a handkerchief from her pocket and dabs at her eyes.
She puts the handkerchief back in her pocket, much to BLACKADDER's
surprise.

BLACKADDER      For a moment, I thought you were going to blow.

TUUD            Premother Ampla really likes you.  She said she thought
                you had real spocks.

BLACKADDER      How comforting.  I presume you told her how unlikely it 
                is that she will ever get to see them, in or out of 
                their natural habitat?

TUUD            What I mean is, she said that I misjudged you.

BLACKADDER      (Sneering) You have no idea of the pain I suffered at 
                the thought that you hadn't taken the time to know
                the real me.

TUUD            You're not going to make this easy, are you.

BLACKADDER      Would you?

TUUD            I-I guess not.  Look, there's something I think you
                ought to know.  It's not easy for me to say this, but --

TUUD is cut off by the ringing of BLACKADDER's viewscreen.  

BLACKADDER      Saved by the bell!

BLACKADDER presses the viewscreen-answer button.  GEORGE appears onscreen.

BLACKADDER      What do you want, George?

GEORGE          It's Ampla Tuud.  Ambassador G'Whiz, or a Yarn dressed
                like him, came in here just now and, well, he forked
                her.

BLACKADDER      Language!

GEORGE          No, no, forked her!  Took a fork and stabbed her with 
                it.  Repeatedly!  He screamed something about a 
                sausage-maker or or some such.

BLACKADDER      We're on our way.

BLACKADDER turns off the viewscreen, and he and TUUD rush out the door.

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  ACT IV

INT.  SECURITY INTERROGATION ROOM, LATER THAT EVENING

BLACKADDER and G'WHIZ sit opposite each other at a table.  On the table 
in front of BLACKADDER is a place setting of exquisite-looking china.  
On the plate is a serving of yummy salad; a bowl of soup is on standby 
on his right and a piece of pie on his left.  G'WHIZ, handcuffed to his
chair and illuminated by a very bright spotlight coming from behind 
BLACKADDER, is on the edge of hysteria.  They have apparently been 
at this for a couple of hours.

G'WHIZ          But I SWEAR to you, Constable, I was in my quarters
                when it happened.

BLACKADDER      I'd like to believe you.

G'WHIZ          Look, if I had DONE it, I'd just claim DIPloMATic
                imMUNity and BUGger off back to the Yarn home world!
                I subMITted to this because I want to PROVE my 
                INNOcence!

BLACKADDER      Of course, of course.  Now, let's go over the details
                one more time, while I eat this salad.  Hmmm, which
                fork do I use?  (Picks up a spoon)  This one, I think!

BLACKADDER picks at the salad with the spoon.  G'WHIZ is so appalled at
this blatant flaunting of table manners that he starts to break down.

G'WHIZ          No, not that!  The fork!  The FORK!

BLACKADDER      I think I'll have dessert as my first course!

G'WHIZ          NOOOOOOOO!

BLACKADDER      Confess!  Confess!

G'WHIZ          I CONFESS!  I CONFESS!  I've used monoSOdium GLUtamate
                on occasion!

BLACKADDER      You did what?

G'WHIZ          (Sobbing) I've served MEAT even though I acciDENtally
                dropped it on the FLOOR during preparation.  I-I've
                used FROZEN vegetables even when FRESH ones were
                available.  I've mixed up the SALad and DINner
                forks.  And gotten aWAY with it, until NOW!  

BLACKADDER      Go on.

G'WHIZ          (Blubbering) I-I like Chicken McNUGgets, even though I
                don't know what's in them!  And, and, I preFER FRYing TO 
                FLAME BROILing! (Breaks down)

BLACKADDER      All right, I'm satisfied.  You're not guilty.

BLACKADDER gets up, walks over to G'WHIZ and unlocks his handcuffs.

BLACKADDER      You're free to go.  Now, get out of here, you, you,
                McNugget fancier!

G'WHIZ, stung by the words 'McNugget fancier', starts blubberring again
as he exits.  BLACKADDER leans back in his chair and smiles.

BLACKADDER      Some days the job is its own reward.

INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING

GEORGE is filling out electronic paperwork when his viewscreen rings.

SFX:  'WOOF-WOOF-WOOF'S FROM ARSENIO HALL SHOW

GEORGE          Oh crikey, who is it now?

GEORGE answers the viewscreen.  BLACKADDER is calling.

GEORGE          Yes, Edmund?

BLACKADDER      How's the patient?

GEORGE          It was touch-and-go for a while, but we managed
                to  stabilize her condition.  She had a quiet
                night. I still say she'll recover.  However, if
                she tries to drink liquids, she may irrigate the
                Promenade instead!

BLACKADDER      George!

GEORGE          Sorry, just a little bedside humor.  Don't worry,
                she's a real fighter.  She isn't that easy to
                kill.

BLACKADDER      It's only appropriate that she's attended to by a 
                physician who isn't that easy to take.  

GEORGE          Any clues on the, errm, 'meat-grinder' reference?

BLACKADDER      Not yet.  Don't worry, though, If I find
                anything, I assure you that you'll be the last 
                to know.

GEORGE          Meat-grinder.  Damn strange thing to say, don't
                you think?  What does it mean, I wonder?

BLACKADDER      I don't know.  But I believe that everything in 
                this universe has some meaning, apart from 
                Garibaldric's existence and your medical degree,
                of course.  Blackadder out.

The viewscreen goes blank.  GEORGE smiles, then adopts the puzzled 
expression of a really dim individual who believes he just may have
been insulted, but he's not sure how.

SFX:  DOORBELL

GEORGE          Come!

G'WHIZ enters.

G'WHIZ          Pepto-BISmol and a hearty breakfast greeting to you, 
                Doctor George.  Can you spare a moment?

GEORGE          Absolutely.  Is that about that, errm, nasty complaint
                from a while back?

G'WHIZ          Oh, no, no, and I haven't seen THOSE females since you
                administered my CURE.

GEORGE          Glad to hear it.  Well, then, what did you want to see
                me about?

G'WHIZ          I was WONdering if you happened to acquire a new
                ORderly within the past few revoLUtions.

INT.  COMMANDER'S CONFERENCE ROOM -- THE NEXT MORNING

FLASHEART, somewhat rested and recovered, chairs the meeting.  BLACKADDER, 
GEORGE, TUUD, NOBRAIN and JUSTA DUK are in attendance.

FLASHEART       As you all know, there have been two attempts on
                Madame Tuud in the past twenty-four hours.  I've
                called this meeting to determine two things: 
                first, who is going to take the blame for this
                instead of me; and second, how I can get back to
                Earth before UNPLUG Central hears about this.

BLACKADDER      Sir, if I may, I think it would be more prudent
                to discuss how to get Madame Tuud off the station
                and back to Pejor.

NOBRAIN         How about we give her a parachute and seal her in
                a large waste disposal pod, fasten some solid
                rockets to it, light 'em and watch her go!  I can
                have it put together and ready in two hours.

BLACKADDER      Chief, and I mean this with the highest regard
                for your technical skills, I invite you to do us
                all a favor and beat yourself senseless with your
                spanner, at your earliest possible convenience. 
                George, is Madame Tuud well enough to be
                transported back home in a medical shuttle?

GEORGE          Well --

TUUD            Wait!  Isn't anyone trying to find out who did
                this?

JUSTA           She's, like, Pejorative, isn't she?  I mean,
                like, who cares?

TUUD            Is she serious?  Are you serious?  Are you
                telling me that you officers, and blonde
                symbo-bimbos, from the great United Planets
                Universal and Galactic are more concerned with
                covering your spocks than seeing that justice is
                done?  Do you all really feel that way?

FLASHEART, BLACKADDER, GEORGE, JUSTA, NOBRAIN in unison
                Yes, absolutely!

NOBRAIN         It's just a job.  We get paid on Thursdays.

GEORGE          Acutally, though, I must admit that I am just a
                bit curious about that 'Meat-grinder' reference.

TUUD            Meat-grinder?

FLASHEART       Both times the perp called your grandmother
                'Meat-grinder'.

TUUD            Is that what this is all about?  Meat-grinder? 
                That's my premother's nickname, from the war!

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  ACT V

INT. CORRIDOR

BLACKADDER and GARIBALDRIC are walking down the corridor.

GARIBALDRIC     Sir, you'll be pleased to know I finally located
                Chief Nobrain.

BLACKADDER      (Sighs) I'm going to regret this.  Where did you
                find him?

GARIBALDRIC     In the Commander's conference room, just now.

BLACKADDER      Nothing gets by you, does it, Garibaldric?

GARIBALDRIC     I do my best, sir!

They pass by a door marked 'ROUND ROOM'.  BLACKADDER opens the door.

BLACKADDER      Ah, we've arrived.  Garibaldric, go in that room and
                sit in the corner until I come back.

GARIBALDRIC     Will do, sir!

GARIBALDRIC enters the round room.

GARIBALDRIC     Sir, there doesn't appear to be a corner!

BLACKADDER      Right first time!

BLACKADDER slams the door shut and locks it.

BLACKADDER      Now to get some real work done.

COMPUTER(VO)    Will Edmund Blackadder please go to the white
                courtesy viewscreen, you have a call waiting. 
                Will Edmund Blackadder please go to the white
                courtesy viewscreen, you have a call waiting.

BLACKADDER reaches for his comm bracelet, which he then realizes he 
is not wearing. He then ducks into a nearby courtesy viewscreen booth.

BLACKADDER      If only AVALON were important, they'd have issued 
                lapel-pin communicators you don't forget to put on.
                (To viewscreen) This is Edmund Blackadder.

COMPUTER(VO)    Prepare for retinal scan.

BLACKADDER      Damn security measures.  When I meet the inventor of
                this atrocity, I'm going to --

A small mechanical eye on a metal arm pops out from beside the viewscreen.
It gyrates around the cabinet as it searches for BLACKADDER's right eye.
Having located its quarry, it blinks a couple of times, beeps and emits a 
red beam at BLACKADDER's pupil for a second or two.

COMPUTER(VO)    Retinal scan confirmed.  Password?

BLACKADDER      (Sotto voce) Aah'ghad.  Ahem.  (Speaking voice) My path
                is strewn with cowpads from the Devil's own satanic herd!

COMPUTER(VO)    Password accepted.  Standby to begin call.

GEORGE appears on the viewscreen.  He's looking away from his viewscreen
and playing with some stupid executive toy like he's been on hold for quite
a while.

BLACKADDER      Yes, George?

GEORGE          (Surprised) Oh!  I forgot.  Errm, ahhh, oh yes. 
                I thought you ought to know immediately.  Madame
                Tuud has gone, well, missing from sickbay.

BLACKADDER      Is there anything else you want me to know before
                I kill you, cut you up into little pieces and
                serve you with fava beans and just a pinch of
                garlic?

GEORGE          Errm, I don't know.  Can you give me a hint?

BLACKADDER      George, how LONG has she been missing?

GEORGE          Oh, about ten minutes or so.  I called your
                office, but nobody was there.

BLACKADDER      So, why didn't you initiate a security alarm
                yourself?

GEORGE          Well, that's the tricky bit.  Errrm, I, ahh,
                forgot my password, you see.

BLACKADDER      George, you have a mind like a sieve, with a
                great big hole in it out of which great massive
                clumps fall with a loud 'shplut' to the ground
                below.

COMPUTER (VO from George's office)
                Password accepted.  Security alert.  Security alert.

GEORGE          Of course, I remember now!  That's my password!

BLACKADDER      Aah'ghad!  Einstein was wrong.  The only constant
                in the universe is the rate at which karmic dung
                falls upon my head!
                
INT. AVALON CONTROL

COMPUTER (VO)   Security alert.  Security alert.

TUUD            Turn off that damned security alert, I can't hear
                myself think!

TECHNICIAN      Major, UNPLUG shuttle _Nirvana_ is departing without
                authorization from Bay Nine.

TUUD            Punch up Bay Nine on the viewscreen and shut the
                doors.

TUUD mouse-clicks a couple of points on her workstation.

TUUD            Shuttle _Nirvana_, This is AVALON 59.  Return to base
                immediately.

TECHNICIAN      Too late.

TUUD            Damn!  Lock on with tractor beams.  Bring it back.

TECHNICIAN      Tractor?

The TECHNICIAN shrugs, then mouse-clicks a few times on the workstation.

EFX: EXT.  OUTSIDE BAY NINE

The escaping shuttle is flying toward our POV.  AVALON 59 floats in
the distance.

Close-up to a small door near Bay Nine.  The door slides open.  A large 
horseshoe magnet connected to a heavy-duty metal chain is ejected from 
the door, flies quickly through space, and attaches to the shuttle with a 
metallic 'thunk'.  A couple of metal plates fold out of the sides of the 
horseshoe magnet, along with little nozzles marked SUPER-GLUE.  The nozzles 
spray superglue onto the ship, and the metal plates make contact with the
surface.

INT.  AVALON CONTROL

The AVALON Control Viewscreen shows the view from a camera positioned near
Bay Nine.   We see the chain being automatically rolled up and the shuttle
being pulled back.

TECHNICIAN      Tractor locked on.

TUUD            Good.  Pull 'em back in.  I'm going to Bay Nine.
                Contact Blackadder and have him meet me there.

INT.  BAY NINE

Shuttle _Nirvana_ rests on the pad, doors closed, surrounded by SECURITY
GUARDS.  TUUD enters.

TUUD            Ok, boys, open 'er up.

One of the SECURITY GUARDS presses some buttons next to the back door
of the shuttle.  An eyeball like the one from the courtesy phone pops
out from the panel and scans the guard.  A moment passes, then the
back door opens up to reveal a totally empty cabin.  TUUD peers in,
then enters the shuttle.

TUUD            Look! On the accelerator!  A brick!

BLACKADDER, sneaks up behind TUUD and looks over her shoulder.

BLACKADDER      Brick on the accelerator.  The oldest trick in
                the book.  (Touching comm bracelet)  Security
                console, AVALON control.

BLACKADDER waits for the light on the comm bracelet to go from red to 
green, indicating that the connection has been made.

BLACKADDER      It appears that Madame Tuud has decided to leave
                us ahead of schedule.  Seal off the station.
                Blackadder out. (To Tuud) She won't get far.

TUUD            Premother?  I don't understand.

BLACKADDER      George informed me that your dear grandmother left
                sickbay a little while ago.

TUUD            How do you know she wasn't kidnapped?

BLACKADDER      Well, for one, the sickbay vid monitor log shows
                her getting up and walking away under her own
                power. Admittedly not the strongest of evidence,
                but I personally find it rather compelling.

A viewscreen along the wall of Bay Nine rings.  TUUD answers.  It's
AMPLA, from another shuttle.

AMPLA           Hello, stooshie!

TUUD            Premother, where are you?  What are you doing?

AMPLA           Got a call.  A lobby group on Pejor wants to do
                some major sucking up to me, so I had to leave.
                What'd you think of my brick on the accelerator
                trick?

TUUD            But -- but you were in serious condition!

AMPLA           And now I'm in the UNPLUG shuttle _R._E._M._  It's
                all politics, stooshie!  Tell Eddie that I'll auto-
                launch it back once I'm down and safe.  Bye bye!

The viewscreen goes blank, then rings again.  It's a TECHNICIAN from
AVALON control.

TECHNICIAN      Major, we just found Bay Twelve doors open and the
                shuttle _R._E._M._ gone.  Would you like to pursue
                in the _Beatle_ or _Duran_Duran_?

TUUD            No, it's too late.

TUUD, confused and disillusioned, turns to BLACKADDER for comfort.

BLACKADDER      Don't look at me, I get paid on Thursday.

TUUD            Yeah, right, like I --

G'WHIZ enters, carrying APTO TUUD over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

G'WHIZ          HERE!  HERE's your assASSin!

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                 PROLOGUE

INT.  BAY NINE

BLACKADDER and TUUD are stunned as G'WHIZ heaves APTO TUUD off his 
shoulder and over to BLACKADDER.

G'WHIZ          While all of you were out PLAYing with your FOOD,
                I  cut through the FAT and got to the MEAT of the
                situation!

TUUD            Cousin Apto? Apto Tuud?

APTO            Yeah, whaddya want?  The reptiloid Q-tip here has
                been dragging me around the station like I'm some
                trophy-grade roseanne-trout!

TUUD            Did you try to kill Premother Ampla?

APTO            Yeah, so?

TUUD            Why?

APTO            She ASKED me.

BLACKADDER, TUUD, G'WHIZ
                Whaaaat?

APTO            She ASKED me!  Said the sympathy'd enable her to
                get any legislation she wanted passed without a
                problem!

BLACKADDER      Of course!  Lyndon Johnson, United States
                President, late twentieth century, got boatloads
                of laws passed when his predecessor had that
                unfortunate incident with the grassy knoll.  It
                took them decades to finally replace those
                unsightly 'Beautify America' flower bushes with
                sensible concrete barriers down the middle of
                their major highways.
                
TUUD            But why mention 'Meat-grinder'?

APTO            You want I should yell 'Hello, Auntie Ampla, I'm 
                faking an assassination attempt on you like you
                asked me to'?

TUUD            I'll take him to holding for you, Constable.

BLACKADDER      Don't do that.  Pejorative on Pejorative is not our
                jurisdiction, I'm afraid.  Send him back to Pejor.  
                Use that vehicle Chief Nobrain mentioned earlier.

TUUD            (Smiling)  Riiiiiight.  Come along, Apto!

G'WHIZ          Well, CONStable, another PLATE filled with PROBlems 
                for our beloved AVALON 59 has been conSUMED and
                made CLEAN again.

BLACKADDER      No hard feelings, eh, Ambassador?  Things can't 
                return to normal too soon for me.

We hear yelling in the corridor outside Bay Nine.  FLASHEART, in
a restraint jacket, is being hauled to sickbay by a couple of
ORDERLIES.

FLASHEART       I am NOT sick!  I just need to be PRUNED!

BLACKADDER      Did I say normal?  I meant 'usual'.

FADE OUT.

            -----------------------------------------------------

                                  THE END

                             (CLOSING CREDITS)

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