Subject: Cirt Trek

From: Rory K. McManus <[email-masked]>
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 91 2:20:30 MDT

Cirt Trek
			Written by Rory K. McManus
		       	      Copyright 1991

				           2
Captain's Log, Stardate 45851.2354/4n!(p+q)
	For some time now the greatest percieved threat to the Federation
	has been that of the Borg, but now I fear we must confront an
	enemy that is far more terrifying and dangerous to life as
	we know it.  An alien vessel representing the conglomeration of
	beings known as CIRT is on a direct heading for Earth, and the
	Enterprise has been dispatched to try and head them off.

Picard:	How soon until we make contact, Mr. Data?		

Data:	At present velocity the CIRT will be upon us in approximately...

[The ship shudders from a hit!]

Data:	...er, now Captain.

Picard:	Mr. Worf, open hailing frequencies.

Worf:	Sir, CIRT is hailing _us_.

Picard:	On screen.

[The image of the CIRT vessel appears on the main viewscreen.]

Data:	Sensor readings show the CIRT vessel to be configured in the
	shape of a small, asymetrical building shielded in the front by
	an enormous parking structure, which serves not only as a shield,
	but also as camoflage to keep users from finding it.

CIRT:	StarShip Enterprise, you will immediately surrender all disk space
	on your UNIX mainframes or be destroyed.

Picard:	This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard.  We will do no such thing.  We
	require our disk space for normal operations and...

CIRT:	Operations are irrelevant.  Programming is irrelevant.  Resistance
	is futile.  You will be assimilated into the CIRT consciousness.
	Your individuality will cease, you will operate under 512k.

Data:	Sir, sensors show that the CIRT is  powering up forward eraser
	heads.

Picard:	Shields up, go to red alert.  Suggestions, crew?

Worf:	I advise immediate attack, Sir.

Riker:	I don't know Captain, perhaps we should try reasoning with them.

Data:	CIRT is firing.  [The bridge rocks]  Commander, they are attempting
	to wipe out your 35 megabyte collection of GIF files from 
	alt.sex.pictures.

Riker:	Mister Worf, lock on phasers and photon torpedos!  
	Begin fi... *Slap!*   Ow!

Troi:	You Cad!  So that's the kind of "research" you so desperately needed
	to do every night at the LoboLab!

Riker:	Well you never told me you posed topless before, miss priss!

Troi:	Oooooh!

Data:	I personally enjoyed the one of Tasha where she had all that celophane
	wrapped around her...

Picard:	Data!

[Enter first season Wesley Crusher]

Wesley:	Gosh, I sure hope CIRT doesn't get all my old a.out files or my
	ridiculously huge mbox and News save files!

Picard:\
Riker:--\
Data:----\
Troi:-----\
LaForge:----- Shut up, Wesley!
O'Brian:---/
Guinan:---/
Beverly:-/
Barklay:/

[Sorry, old joke, couldn't resist!]

Data:	Perhaps you should surrender too, Captain...just for old time's sake.

Picard:	Data?

Data:	Sir?

Picard:	Stuff it!

Geordi:	CIRT is preparing to fire again.

Picard:	Worf, open a channel.

Worf:	Open.

Picard:	Leaders of CIRT, why are you attacking us?  Our intentions are 
	peaceful.

CIRT:	Peace is irrelevant.  Intentions are irrelevant.  You have foolishly
	wasted valuable disk space.  You must be assimilated into our
	quota system.  Your individual distinctiveness will be destroyed.
	All will be the same, with only room for .newsrc's and .plans.  All
	other files are irrelevant.

Picard:	Please, be reasonable.  I admit that many of our users are careless
	with disk space (glares at Riker) or simply don't follow good 
	housekeeping practices in their accounts, but is that a reason to 
	punish everyone?  Shouldn't we have more freedom in our computer
	usage?

CIRT:	Freedom is irrelevant.  Prepare for full erasure and asimilation
	into 512k quota system.

Picard:	But CIRT, what about programming?

CIRT:	Programming is irrelevant

Picard:	And what about educational use of the systems?

CIRT:	Education is irrelevant

Picard:	But what about those wonderful people who keep open "Pub" directories
	for everyone's use?  Those save space.

CIRT:	People are irrelevant.  "Pub" directories (even those with StarTrek
	stuff) are irrelevant.

Picard:	But what about binaries...

CIRT:	Binaries are irrelevant

Picard:	But what about parodi...

CIRT:	Parodies are irrelevant

Picard:	But CIRT, what about ftp...

CIRT:	CIRT is irrelevant, ftp is irrelevant...er, oops...

[Cut to exterior view.  The CIRT vessel begins to shake and rattle]

Data:	Captain, the CIRT vessel is beginning to break up.

[The parking structure/shield explodes!  Cars and hundreds of little
parking tickets fly past the Enterprise!]

Riker:	What is happening to them?

Data:	Apparently, CIRT has deemed itself irrelevant.

Riker:	Hear, hear!

Geordi:	Captain, that whole thing is gonna blow.  Recommend we haul our
	butts out of here!

Picard:	Excellent suggestion, Commander.  Ensign, take us out of here,
	warp 9.  Engage!  [Does that funny thing with his hand]

Ensign:	Aye!

[The Enterprise barely escapes utter destruction as the CIRT vessel explodes
showering the Federation vessel with un-picked-up printouts from "dispatch"]

Riker:	Well, we're safe.

Picard:	For now, at least.  But who knows how many more of those vessels
	are out there, waiting to squeeze us out of space and wreak havok
	on our computing abilities for all time to come.

Data:	Interesting.  Is this what they call overacting, Captain?

Picard:	Data?

Data:	Sir?

Picard:	Shut up!

[Roll credits as the Enterprise streaks away, on a never ending search for
GIFs of Beverly in compromising poses...]

				The End
-- 
//       Rory K. McManus      \\      -Beginning Home Brewer-      // This 
\\        Asian Studies       //  "Look out, that bottle is about  \\ space
//  University of New Mexico  \\   to blow!  I told you not to use // for
\\ In the Land of Enchantment //   so much priming sugar!"         \\ rent