Subject: HACK-MAN parody: Deep Space Nine -- the First Adventure
From: [email-masked] (Otto Heuer #3)
To: alt.startrek.creative
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1992 00:08:35 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

It's been a few years since I've written a Star Trek parody for the net, so
I thought  I'd  punch out  a quick  one to  relieve the  pressures of work,
updating the FAQ lists, and getting "Hack-Man's TOS Guide" ready for print.
I started working on this  one back  in January  (or whenever  the DS9 news
broke out) and just finished it today.  It incorporates a few  ideas I gave
to other parody writers as well as a few new ideas I'd come up with.

I forgot what number I was up to (the highest number I could find in any of
my directories was 017, which was one I wrote on 6/27/90.  And I can't find
any of mine  except one  from late  1987 before  that.   I'm confident that
they're all archived on a few FTP sites around the world, though.

Some of the  characters won't  be recognizable  to people  who haven't been
reading r.a.s for a few years.  Sorry if any  of the  newbies are confused.
:-)

With no further ado, I present the latest Hack-Man parody:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

          "Star Trek:  Deep Space Nine -- The first Adventure"

       Copyright 1992 Otto "Hack-Man" Heuer.  All rights reserved.
No part of this story may be reproduced without the permission of the author.
       Permission is granted to store this document electronically
  as long as none of the text is modified and this notice is preserved.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

V/O:      Space.... The final frontier.  These are the stationary voyages of
          Deep Space Nine.  It's mission:  to continue on the Star Trek dream
          that otherwise might start dying.... NOT!

          It looked extremely rocky for the Deep Space Nine that day, the score
          stood four to six, with yet an episode left to shoot.

[ SCENE:  The inside of the dimly-lit alien space station:  Deep Space Nine ]

O'BRIEN:  What a heap.

ZYMOR:    With a little cleaning it'll look just fine.

RO:       I dunno.  I kinda like it the way it is.

[ ZYMOR finds the controlling mechanism for the lights and adjusts the
intensity upward gradually ]

ZYMOR:    There... that's better.

[ O'BRIEN draws his finger across a console, where a centimeter of grime
has collected ]

O'BRIEN:  This is obviously some definition of the word "better" that I was
previously unaware of.

RO:       [ under breath ] Wuss...

[ O'BRIEN looks up from the control panels with that look of disgust that
only he can muster up ]

O'BRIEN:  Well, we better get this station ship-shape before the Enterprise
          pays a visit.

ZYMOR:    Yeah, Picard needs everything to be perrrrrrrfect...

O'BRIEN:  What's your beef with *Captain* Picard, anyway?

ZYMOR:    Well, I wouldn't have to raise Gene, Jr. All by myself if it 
          weren't for good ol' Locutus Picard.

O'BRIEN:  That was beyond his control and you know it!

ZYMOR:    Yeah... right...

RO:       Message coming in... audio only.  It's Picard.

ZYMOR:    Put him on.

RO:       Okay.  Picard--you're a great man and have a full head of hair!

ZYMOR:    No.  I mean put him on THE SPEAKER.

RO:       All right, but I don't think the speaker can take it.

[ ZYMOR sighs ]

V/PICARD: We were able to clean up the conflict with the Cardassians in
          less time than we expected.  We shall arrive a bit earlier than
          expected and shall assume aaaaaaaauuuuuuhbit around your space
          station as soon as we arrive.

ZYMOR:    Great...

[ commercial:  House of Representatives is in session.  One guy whispers to
the next, "Damn I hate this constipation!"  The rep next to him states
loudly enough for several dozen people to hear, "When my family's
constipated..."  At this point a small pink bunny struts across the desk.
Still going... ]

ACT II

[ The Enterprise assumes orbit around Deep Space Nine.  Cut to interior
beaming platform. ]

[ RIKER, PICARD, DATA, and WORF materialize ]

[ PICARD sees the dingy surroundings and ruffles his nose.  WORF smiles
evilly. ]

ZYMOR:    Welcome aboard our humble staion, Pee-card.

PICARD:   Mmmm... thanks.

[ PICARD steps down from the platform ]

PICARD:   This is my first officer, Wil Riker, Chief of security, Woof, and
          Data.

ZYMOR:    So... this is the famous android.  [ walks up to Riker and starts
          examining him ]  They never *could* make these things look real
          could they?

RIKER:    I'm Riker.  Data here is the android.

ZYMOR:    Oh.  Well... let me show you to the bridge.

[ The party makes their way to the bridge, where Ro and O'Brien are fiddling
with various controls ]

ZYMOR:    There are still a few controls we haven't figured out...

DATA:     May I?

ZYMOR:    Be my guest.

DATA:     If you insist.  How about 8:00 tonight?

[ DATA starts looking over the control panels ]

DATA:     If I am not mistaken, the controls appear to be of a Ferengi
          design, though they do not strictly follow the canonical
          Ferengi patterns...

RO:       No shit, Sherlock.

[ DATA pulls out a cap and pipe ]

DATA:     For instance, this button here should be manual override for the
          main turbolift. [ presses button - a beam hit RIKER ]

RIKER:    Arrrrrrrrrrgh!

DATA:     But then again, I could be mistaken.

[ Several copies of RIKER start appearing around the room ]

RO:       Oh, *great*... just what we needed.  Hmmm... well "double your
          pleasure."

ZYMOR:    A minor setback... let me show you the rest of the ship.  We
          have a magnificent Perecies Squares arena.

[ commercial:   ]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
END OF PART 1

Note: It really does start getting funny with part two... so hold on  :-)

                --Otto "HACK-MAN" Heuer
--
C, Pascal, Fortran, BASIC, Assembly Language, Snobol, Ada, APL, Prolog, LISP
Unix, MS-DOS, ProDOS       .  .   .   .... .  .   .   .   .   .   . Audio/Video
[email-masked]  :..: .:.:. :    :.' .. :`.': .:.:. :`. :   Star Trek
[email-masked]  :  : :   : :... : `.   :   : :   : :  `:  Apple IIgs