=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= COMPUTER'S 'N ME by Rich Griebel -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- It was a dark and stormy night . . . . Not buying it, eh? Well this is a little story about my coming of age in the world of computers. It all started on Christmas, 1991. While visiting family in California, I struck up a conversation with my brother about computers. He, being a Computer Systems Engineer for a large airline, seemed very knowledgeable on the subject. When I told him I had thought about buying the kids a computer, he got this sly look on his face immediately. I told him I was concerned about paying $2000 for a piece of equipment that would depreciate faster than a Pet Rock. I told him that with the rapid depreciation and upward spiral of computer technology today, the machine you buy now, will be old stuff in less than a year. My brother, obviously taken with my ability to have my finger on the pulse of the computer industry, said, "broke again, huh?" Never could fool him, unless it came to a mechanical question, I talk automotive, he talks to computers. Perhaps that's why he never married, computers are logical and rarely, according to him, ever break down. Women, on the other hand, are always looking for someone to fix their car (I duck and run at this point). Anyway, he came up with a 286 system, with all the goodies except a video card for the monitor and a printer. The best part was the price, I got it for nothing, he had made it out of spare parts. I packed it up with the kiddies in the back of my car and took it home. Once home and settled in, I marched myself down to a local computer store to buy a video card and a printer. I was immediately confused. I knew I had an EGA monitor and was told to get an EGA card, which should cost around $40. I was asked a rather long and confusing series of questions, did I want a parallel port on the card, did I want a high resolution card that required memory, did I want a 8 or 16 bit card. The only thing I could think to say was, "what have you got for $40." The girl at the counter turned and called "Frank" over her shoulder. She told me "Frank" would take care of me, I immediately concluded I had breached some branch of computer etiquette and was going to be flogged by "Frank". Frank turned out to be my savior. Wearing jeans, an old sweatshirt and his hair in a pony tail, he didn't match the folks on the sales floor. He looked me over, must have determined I was a lost soul, and asked what I was looking for. I rambled on about the computer I had obtained and the fact that I needed a EGA card. He thought about it for a minute and asked if I was going to use a printer. I was again lost, "Doesn't everyone," I asked, trying not to sound like I didn't know what I was talking about. Frank, by now wise to my ignorance, replied, "Not hardly, just a minute". I felt for sure now I had ticked off Frank, and my chances of getting anywhere here were slipping fast. I was surprised to find Frank returning from the bowels of the store with a circuit board in his hand. He handed it to me and explained, "This is a used card I've checked out, it works fine and has a printer port on it if you need one. Do you need any help or instructions on installing it?" Immediately the macho portion of my brain kicked in, how hard could it be to stick this little card in the computer? I refused any help and bought the card. It only cost me $20 so I figured I had done something right. I should have known I was wrong when Frank gave me a business card with the stores number on it and told me to call him when I got into a bind with the installation. I later found Frank to be a wise man, and utilized the phone number many times. Once I got the video card home, I began the task of installing it into the machine. First I needed a large flat space to take the computer apart. The dining room table looked good, and the wife was no where in sight. So I set the machine on the table and began trying to figure out how to take the case off. I have seen it done before so I removed the screws on the back of the machine and slipped the cover off. Unknown to me you don't remove *all* of the screws, the power supply fell out, dangling by some wires. After securing the power supply I looked things over. I matched the little video card I had purchased with one of the empty expansion slots. After securing the card I assembled the case and hooked up the keyboard and the monitor. I flipped the switch and, nothing. The machine came on, made some noises at the start but the screen was blank. I fiddled with the controls on the monitor to no avail. Lesson one, never put the case back together until you are sure the machine works. So now I call my buddy Frank. I can hear him smirk on the phone as he walks me through setting the little switches on the video card. I fire the machine up again (minus the case) half expecting a thread of smoke and a blown fuse. It worked, I had a screen showing the machine booting up. Quickly, I shut it off and assembled the case, can't waste any time, you never know what diabolical things the machine will do while its shut off. Now I was faced with the ever familiar C:\> that greets every DOS user, and I didn't have a clue. So when in doubt, call a kid. I called my 15 year old daughter, who used computers in school everyday. She looked at the screen and said, "Where's the gooie." I looked at her and using a calm controlled voice responded intelligently, "Huh?" "Dad, we use Apples and Mac's at school, it doesn't have that thingy there. That's *DOS*!" "Oh god", I thought, "what has my brother done to me now". I stared at the screen for a while, and tried to remember what I had learned when I used a computer at work. I drew a blank, which, if you listen to my wife, is the story of my life. So I tried a few commands at the prompt. For each one the computer rebuked me with a "bad command or file name" lecture. When I had a screen full of those, I got up and got something to drink. Demanding work this computer stuff, takes a lot out of you. My wife, who has a unlimited source of knowledge at her fingertips, walked over to the machine, turned it off and gave me two books that my brother had shipped with the computer. I was given two commands, first, clean off the dining room table, two, try reading the book. Its generally a wise idea to follow her commands in the order received. So I picked up the mess, organized the computer so it didn't look like something Rube Goldberg had tossed together and put it on a table over in the corner of the dining room. Then I sat down with the _MICROSOFT MS DOS 3.3 USERS GUIDE AND REFERENCE_. Obviously people who write these books are taught to use confusing and deceptive literary skills. It's like a secret code they developed to confuse everyone who, back in High School, called them nerds. And it worked. I didn't have a clue what I was reading and it was like the computer knew it. After about an hour with the book I actually got the computer to do something. I got it to show me the root directory. What glee! I had it show it to me so many times it must have thought I was lost because that was all I could do. I read further and finally got the computer to start Windows 286. For those who don't know what Windows 286 is, it's a program Microsoft came up with to make you wish you had a 386. Now I was somewhere, but I couldn't get the computer to do anything again. I had this nice desktop, but none of the keys worked. By this time my frustration level was at its peak. Thoughts of some chain saw adjustments were running through my head. Then I found the Windows book, shut the computer off, and walked away to read more. I had always thought a mouse was something you laid traps for. Now I was looking through the box of parts trying to find a "mouse". I took everything out of the box and didn't find anything that matched the description "pointing device". I pictured one of those light pens that I had used at work. My daughter, obviously tired of hearing my tirades, came down stairs, looked in the box, and handed me a plastic switchbox with a long wire coming out of it. "Mouse", she said, and walked away. Our children are in league with the computer nerds to make sniveling idiots out of their parents. It was working on me. The long cord had a plug on the end that matched a socket on the back of the computer. Being a doubting type I didn't believe it was that simple. After all, this thing had been less than cooperative from the first time I turned it on. I plugged in the cord and started the computer. The DOS prompt appeared and I began moving the mouse around clicking the buttons, nothing, nadda, zip. I sat back in the chair and thought to myself, "There is no God." Perhaps this was the final straw, the final insult. Chain saw, no, death by chopping maul, or maybe I'll just set it out in the unforgiving Northwest Washington rain and let it slowly rust to death. I decided to load Windows again and try to figure out the keystrokes in the book. When windows started there was a little arrow, often covered by a little hourglass as Windows loaded. When the loading process was through, there was that arrow. I moved the mouse, the arrow moved. I clicked the buttons, it picked things from the menu. I managed to get a few things to actually work and I was amazed. Ok, that's Windows, but I know that there's more to computing than Windows. So I drop to DOS and start searching for other things to run. I managed NOT to reformat the Hard Drive, only because they build in a warning that you can't, well, almost can't, screw up. That's how it all started. Now I'm surrounded by computers, five in all, connected in a Local Area Network operating two Electronic Bulletin Boards and performing tasks I never thought possible back in January 1992. But I keep the trusty chain saw close by, you gotta show 'em who's the boss. # # # Copyright 1994 Rich Griebel, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED --------------------------------------------------------------------- Rich Griebel is a Commercial Vehicle Enforcement Officer / Washington State Patrol. His writing is generally reserved to training documents at work. He's had a wide and varied career, Truck Driver, High School Teacher and Law Enforcement. He can be reached at 2 BBS's, run with wife Sheri; COPLINK, 1:343/304 (206)653-9581 or Writer & Photographer Exchange, 1:343/305 (206)659-7102; or rich.griebel@gun&hose.damar.com also on Compuserve ID 75277,2355. 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